Girl from abroad - She asked for time but have I messed up

[BarneyStinson]

I’ve known a girl from abroad for a couple of years.

I think we both like/liked each other... I know I like her.

She lives with her female best friend. Only has her mom, never knew her dad... so I’m guessing her grandfather was an important figure.

I visited her city 1 week ago. We met on the first night and spent 8pm - 6am in the city drinking and talking and she also bought me lots of balloons and a fun cake as it was my birthday. Her mother phoned her 2 times, her mum knew she was meeting me and her best friend text her lots but she didn’t answer much, we stayed off our phones pretty much the rest of the time. We did videos and at the end of the night she told me that she loves me.

The day after, we talked a lot and was more of a recovery day, joking about what happened and just having a laugh.

 

The next day she said she had a temperature and couldn’t meet... then she said she had 12hour night shifts the next 2 days after that (she can’t skip shifts) I knew she had 1 shift but the 2nd was just thrown at her by her boss. The day I was leaving, she didn’t realise how quickly it came so she made sure to meet for an hour or so.

We were supposed to have everyday together apart from 1 day 12hr shift. I was just not sure if something bad happened and I basically told her that. Then she told me the reason why we didn’t meet all the time was really because on the day she said she had a temperature, she didn’t, really her grandfather died suddenly and she wanted me to have a good visit, not be burdened with her problems. I told her it would of been fine to tell me and I would have been there to support her.

 

 

So now I feel like a beep beep.

But I’m not sure, maybe she was upset with me for asking but still, she wanted me to text her when I got off my flight and make sure I’m safe... same as she did when I arrived in her city.

 

She told me she’s feeling shocked and wants time and she will text me when she is okay.

Shes still talking with her friends so I’m not sure if she’s just really sad and wants time... or if she doesn’t like me anymore.

She sent me a message about saying bye to work after her shift and said that for me, we would never.

 

I sent her a long message, just light hearted and telling her I love her and that I’ll be here for her. She saw and didn’t reply. Maybe she didn’t like it / doesn’t want.

 

It’s strange too because if she doesn’t like me and doesn’t want to speak, then why does she always see my Instagram story within a few minutes of me doing it?

 

But this waiting and waiting to talk is honestly so difficult... because I don’t know if she’s done this because she’s annoyed with me and doesn’t want to talk again OR if she is so upset about her grandfather and just wants to be okay before she talks with me again.

[Foxhall]

well you have to allow her time to grieve, your romance is still a pretty whirlwind one so she is not at the stage yet were she is comfortable confiding in you about the loss of a loved one,

 

take a step back and give her time, maybe try a phone call in a week or so,

 

let her know you are there but do not push her,

 

ill give her the benefit of the doubt and predict she will initiate contact again with you.

 

Now your other issue is finding a way of not getting too upset if it does not work out,

 

lol once you experience a few scars of life you become more cynical but Ive said it before and i'l say it again, do not get too dependant on anyone or anything,

work towards building up an ambivalent attitude that it does not matter either way, great if it works out for you, but you do not need her either.

[d0nnivain]

Send a condolence card & some kind of flowers / fruit basket to the house.

 

Stay in loose touch . . a few texts & see how she is.

 

I think her grandfather's death is coloring most of this.

[BarneyStinson]

well you have to allow her time to grieve, your romance is still a pretty whirlwind one so she is not at the stage yet were she is comfortable confiding in you about the loss of a loved one,

 

take a step back and give her time, maybe try a phone call in a week or so,

 

let her know you are there but do not push her,

 

ill give her the benefit of the doubt and predict she will initiate contact again with you.

 

Now your other issue is finding a way of not getting too upset if it does not work out,

 

lol once you experience a few scars of life you become more cynical but Ive said it before and i'l say it again, do not get too dependant on anyone or anything,

work towards building up an ambivalent attitude that it does not matter either way, great if it works out for you, but you do not need her either.

 

I am very fond of this girl so I do hope that she wants to talk and still likes me.

IÂ’m just nervous I guess, I case she doesnÂ’t want to.

 

I mean IÂ’ve text her a few times and sheÂ’s active on Instagram but not looking at my messages.

I had a small accident yesterday and had to go to urgent care medics, soon as she realised she text “(name) , whatÂ’s happened?” and when I told her that basically I fell over my dog (stupid I know ??*♂️ in the dark and my dogs black) - she didnÂ’t reply.

 

I sent her a message just saying like is there something else wrong? Asking if I did or said something thatÂ’s upset her... so far she hasnÂ’t read my message, like she is not wanting to really talk to me.

 

I did that because I know she wasnÂ’t going to tell me about her grandfather, so because of what I said about why we didnÂ’t meet up as often as we planned, she told me about her grandfather... that might of upset her.

If I didnÂ’t ask, then maybe we would still be talking normally like nothing happened.

Of course, the other thing is I donÂ’t know if this is all made up and really she just doesnÂ’t want to speak with me at all.... but I guess if it was made up, then she wouldnÂ’t check my Instagram story and wouldnÂ’t of text me about the accident.

 

 

I understand about it might not work out, itÂ’s fair enough. I have quite a few scars which are probably my downfall. My previous relationship my ex was suicidal and I had to save her 4 times which then made her hate me and she reacted violently to me, trying to get me killed. She then turned to drugs and alcohol and everything negative was directed towards me.

Knocked me quite a bit and after this I guess IÂ’ve shown I like people but itÂ’s not got as far as a relationship. IÂ’ve turned away.

 

So this girl from abroad, IÂ’m not wanting to turn away, IÂ’m hoping she wants a relationship and at the same time, IÂ’m nervous.

[BarneyStinson]

Send a condolence card & some kind of flowers / fruit basket to the house.

 

Stay in loose touch . . a few texts & see how she is.

 

I think her grandfather's death is coloring most of this.

 

Sorry, what do you mean by “coloring most of this”?

[BarneyStinson]

Not sure why my post has lots of random symbols in but it won’t let me edit them out

[d0nnivain]

Sorry, what do you mean by “coloring most of this”?

 

 

Influencing, changing, making it appear.

 

Her current behavior has Zero to do with you. Compared to a death in the family you are inconsequential. She needs to grieve. I'm not saying she doesn't care about you. I am saying that in order of priority, you don't rate as compared to this loss.

 

Back off. Send the condolence card. Let her come to you.

[clia]

Maybe I'm cynical, but are you sure the grandfather actually died? It's the oldest excuse in the book. Have you seen any indication from her social media that it's actually true -- e.g., pictures of her with family, any posts about her grandpa, condolences from her friends about her grandfather passing?

 

It really all reads to me like she lost interest after your marathon date, for whatever reason.

[BarneyStinson]

Maybe I'm cynical, but are you sure the grandfather actually died? It's the oldest excuse in the book. Have you seen any indication from her social media that it's actually true -- e.g., pictures of her with family, any posts about her grandpa, condolences from her friends about her grandfather passing?

 

It really all reads to me like she lost interest after your marathon date, for whatever reason.

 

No proof, only that after our night out it was fine, the day afterwards we were talking and laughing fine too.

Then the next day it was like a total change, couldn’t meet, just I felt like I was being blown off. She said we could meet a few days later and then the day before, she told me she couldn’t meet because she was called into work on a 12 hour night shift.

They I basically told her like “I’m leaving the day after so we aren’t gonna meet again?” And she she messaged me like “you’re leaving TOMORROW” and said that she will come to meet again, after her night shift and before I leave for the airport. She wanted to go home first though and had definitely redone her make up and when we met up she was always checking her hair and laughing together.

 

So something changed and I mean I thought she possibly just didn’t like me anymore but I don’t understand the logic.

 

Then I basically asked her what was going on, you know like did I do something bad or something bad happen.... that’s when she told me about her grandfather. She didn’t have a dad in her life so maybe her grandfather and her were very close growing up, idk, she talked about her grandmother a lot but nothing about her grandfather.

 

Also, maybe to support her too, she went out drinking with her friends and it seemed less fun more for support and posted a photo with her friend “thanks for everything”.

 

Also if she was doing this to distance herself from me then when would she check my Instagram stories and why would she message me asking what happened when I had an accident? (Granted she asked but never replied back).

 

 

 

It’s either true and she needs time, or she’s totally lost interest in me... OR maybe wanted us as friends so is pushing me away from a relationship but still wants to know each other. Very much struggling to find out which one.

I’m just not going to message her and not going to update and Instagram stories and that’s it. If she replies to me then great see what happens from there, if not then fine.

Edited June 10, 2019 by BarneyStinson

[BarneyStinson]

Influencing, changing, making it appear.

 

Her current behavior has Zero to do with you. Compared to a death in the family you are inconsequential. She needs to grieve. I'm not saying she doesn't care about you. I am saying that in order of priority, you don't rate as compared to this loss.

 

Back off. Send the condolence card. Let her come to you.

 

She told me before my plane flight that she was just in shock, not feeling anything, just shock.

I guess that resonated with me too because I work in medical sector, when my grandma died I had no feeling, no upset, I dealt with informing people and other community services and then that was it. Then later and through the funeral, that’s when I grieved.

 

I’m just going to see what happens. No messages, no updating stuff because she always seems to check out my posts.

Just going to wait and that’s it. If she doesn’t reply then i don’t know.

 

She’s a very strong and independent person. Just wanted to be there for her yakno. But maybe that’s part my medical training too so maybe I’m trying to budge in when I’m not wanted atm.

Edited June 10, 2019 by BarneyStinson

[BarneyStinson]

Maybe I'm cynical, but are you sure the grandfather actually died? It's the oldest excuse in the book. Have you seen any indication from her social media that it's actually true -- e.g., pictures of her with family, any posts about her grandpa, condolences from her friends about her grandfather passing?

 

It really all reads to me like she lost interest after your marathon date, for whatever reason.

 

I have this thought all the time “what if she just doesn’t like me” -

 

But she was planning next things with me like before I asked her why we didn’t meet a lot as planned, she showed me a video of us both drunk, laughing and she text me that she’s waiting for next time like redemption.

When I asked her about why we didn’t meet much, that’s when the mood changed and she told me about her grandfather. Maybe I was not nice because I said like it was my birthday and we met once and then nothing and asked if something bad happened... I think I probably seemed really disappointed but I also think I said it decently, without being annoyed..... but maybe it’s not how she took it.

But after saying that, she still spoke and wished me safe flight and wanted me to text her when I landed and stuff. Still checking my Instagram stories and when I had an accident, she text me what happened (though she didn’t reply after I told her).

 

 

It’s just really confusing. It feels like I’m waiting ages

[basil67]

When she had to pull those extra shifts suddenly, I guessed it was fake. Then when I read the grandfather had died, I rolled my eyes. I reckon this is a lie too. Had she told you at the time she heard with with a look of shock on her face - much more believable. But this was just another excuse.

 

Sorry the trip didn't turn out like you planned.

[BarneyStinson]

When she had to pull those extra shifts suddenly, I guessed it was fake. Then when I read the grandfather had died, I rolled my eyes. I reckon this is a lie too. Had she told you at the time she heard with with a look of shock on her face - much more believable. But this was just another excuse.

 

Sorry the trip didn't turn out like you planned.

 

But then the question is, why?

 

Everything seemed really good on the night out.

 

 

I mean should I message her and just say what ?? Because I want her to tell me. I mean we’ve known each other for 3 years and then this... I hope she’s telling the truth but yakno, why she say about waiting for us drinking next time and why check my social media or ask me to text when my flight lands??

 

It’s why it’s so confusing

[emeraldgreen]

Years ago, I had an LDR with a Thai girl. We hooked up in my hotel room the first time we met for real. She had this really annoying, over-protective brother whom she had to video call when she arrived to meet me and then again when she left.

 

After a couple of meetups, she got sick and couldn't see me until my last day when we hooked up again. After sleeping in my bed, she got a call from her brother saying she had to come home.

 

Anyway, when I got back to my city, I slowly but surely figured out the brother was actually her new husband of about 3 weeks, and she was cheating on him with me because her parents forced her to marry.

 

I'm not saying any of this applies to you, but suffice to say, I have very little faith in sudden sickness and death excuses.

[BarneyStinson]

Years ago, I had an LDR with a Thai girl. We hooked up in my hotel room the first time we met for real. She had this really annoying, over-protective brother whom she had to video call when she arrived to meet me and then again when she left.

 

After a couple of meetups, she got sick and couldn't see me until my last day when we hooked up again. After sleeping in my bed, she got a call from her brother saying she had to come home.

 

Anyway, when I got back to my city, I slowly but surely figured out the brother was actually her new husband of about 3 weeks, and she was cheating on him with me because her parents forced her to marry.

 

I'm not saying any of this applies to you, but suffice to say, I have very little faith in sudden sickness and death excuses.

 

 

 

 

Wow that is brutal!

 

 

But that is I think what I'm having trouble with too; keeping faith.

 

 

I understand it would be a difficult time... but idk like for me, a few days is enough time but she's taking a lot longer... so idk it's posing questions and diffucult to trust... but I guess I should

[BarneyStinson]

So today I sent her a message asking to talk and we did, a little.

 

 

I asked her what went wrong with us and she said "nothing" and from her text wording, I think she was a little annoyed that I thought that and I think a little annoyed that I know about this 'problem'... think she is very much a person who likes to deal with her own stuff. She told me its been a very difficult period for her and that she just needs time... but its difficult for people to understand.

 

 

I told her that I thought she was annoyed with me before, and then again when I sent her flowers and a note. I also said yes I do know her problem and that she needs time, I told her that she is very important to me and that I just want to be here for her and support.... she said she appreciates that a lot but right now doesn't need anything... just time... just take me some time and that is it.

 

 

 

I just asked her to text me when she is ready and she said she will definitely and thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

*** this is nearly 1 month after the event... whether there's something else or not, I don't know. I mean she doesn't know her dad. Her grandma and grandad split up years ago. She talked to me about her mum and grandma, didn't say anything about her grandad ... it is her grandad that has died ... so maybe he was the only father figure she had growing up

 

 

But 4 weeks is quite a long time, I think. I'm confused about the length of time but at the same time, I didn't actually expect her to message me because I thought she was angry and didn't like me anymore.

 

 

 

So yeah, either trust and patience or take it as she's trying to distance herself away from a relationship

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Anytime someone says they need "time" or "space", they aren't interested in you. The excuses are really creative and are rarely believable.

[emeraldgreen]

That's your cue to go silent and talk to other girls.

[Flame Aura]

I once had a girl who I was into, kissed, but 'wasnt ready for a relationship' as her mum had cancer so her time and energy was focused on that and she said she wanted time.

 

Let's just say soon after she was in a relationship and it wasn't with me.

 

OP, you need to move on from this girl, she's just not that into you.