Fiancé called off wedding

[Mrin]

Thank you all.

What the hell is wrong with me?

It’s been two weeks I can’t do it and can’t kick her out.

I just picked her up from work today and then we had a normal nice conversation about her day.

 

I’ve left other women high and dry and kicked them out or left what am I doing now?

 

Why am I going on this way I keep hope alive

 

 

It’s funny because she told me “you aren’t who you presented yourself to be when we met.”

 

And “your issues are preventing us from having a good relationship and you won’t face them.”

 

See my earlier post. She's gaslighting you. You are being manipulated. And the sex was probably good.

[lovesflame]

Mrin

Also she told me earlier that we only had problems because I hated myself and all she could do is reflect it back to me who I was.

That she’s a mirror on me and my own insecurities got in the way of things.

I feel truly mentally ruined this time she saw the real me and hated what she saw I am in shambles and unable to do anything currently because the work is too great. Others have loved me but now I see I’m too messed up for love

[amaysngrace]

She’s projecting on you. Everything she’s saying to you is what she’s actually feeling inside.

 

Don’t take on her self-loathing. Let her have that all for herself.

 

Here’s the thing, she’s torn you down. You aren’t who you once were because she’s chipped away at you.

 

You need to start thinking higher of yourself and realize her treating you badly has nothing to do with you and has everything to do with who she is as a person.

 

Knock her off that pedestal you put her on. Anybody who treats you as badly as she has doesn’t deserve that much respect from you.

 

Save your respect for yourself. You need to get that back since she’s been giving you none so give yourself twice as much respect now to make up for what you’ve lost.

[lovesflame]

Thank you . But how could she have gone from thinking I was incredible to this?

It is bewildering and confusing .

I am trying to respect myself but it’s like I forgot how to. She got to me in a bad way I gave her two weeks and now it’s enough she hasn’t apologized or done anything right or kind since then.

 

I have to get her out of here.

 

The thing is some of what she says about me is true but some is so wrong and it’s mixing me up and I have been so manipulated.

 

I feel ashamed I got myself into this mess I had given up on live and tried again and just been having frivolous relationships and I tried something else and I really misjudged things. I lied to myself.

[amaysngrace]

You got love bombed. It happens to the best of us.

 

It’s because you’re sincere that she was able to play you so well because you thought she was too but it turns out she’s just a really good actress.

 

At least you see her for who she is now. And that’s a good thing because better late than never.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you . But how could she have gone from thinking I was incredible to this?

It is bewildering and confusing .

 

Because she barely knew you when she moved in and agreed to marry you. Now that reality is unfolding, she realizes those were some foolish decisions but she prefers to blame you rather than admit to her own role in this trainwreck.

 

This is why you don't sign on the proverbial dotted line without any idea what you're signing up for. You two both have your own issues to work on, as evidenced by the fact that you zoomed past any reasonable courtship period and decided to get married right away. You were both trying to plug some sort of void by doing so, in my opinion.

 

A trip to Jamaica isn't even going to come close to fixing this, and I don't think you can realistically expect the relationship to come back together at all. She has problems of her own she is refusing to acknowledge, and isn't actually all that into you, man. Get her out of your house. Stay single and work on you, and whatever pain or loneliness you were attempting to soothe by moving a stranger in with you and asking her to marry you.

[lovesflame]

Yea I’m working with my therapist and having a whole summer off to be me.

 

Honestly thanks for being nice.

 

I’m still learning a lot from her because if I would love me and work on me and be responsible for my own feelings then I would not be here.

 

Also the pain is teaching me too about what’s inside me.

I like myself.

 

I have to stop proving it to myself again and again.

 

Jamaica is just a waste of money we aren’t going.

 

I don’t buy into stuff like be detached and act like you don’t care or have nothing invested to be attractive to women.

 

Or that you can’t take care or you’re a chump or white knight or something.

I am fine with it and I took a chance and it was way too soon.

 

I am learning from this and also it was fun and interesting and I did help another person out so all in all very lucky man.

 

I am simply human. Next time I will move slowly.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's good that Jamaica is not happening. It would have almost certainly been a disaster.

 

Continue working with your therapist. Try to understand why you participated in such a high-risk relationship and what sort of emotional benefit you were anticipating there. The means you tried to use to gain some sense of stability and security in your love life were unrealistic, but figuring out why it happened and what you will change the next time around will ultimately get you close to the happiness you're desperately searching for.

 

In the meantime, get her out. She sounds like a leech and generally not a great person.

[anika99]

But honestly this is a good lesson I cannot be attached to outcomes or love or control the future in any way shape or form, especially with the actions of other people. I have to make myself whole and happy.

 

What you say above is true but I think the bigger lesson to be learned here is more about having boundaries and not blindly rushing into a relationship with someone you don't even know. While it's true that we have no control over the actions of other people, our lives are impacted by our choices, so it's important to make healthy decisions. Somethings in life just happen to us but most things are a direct result of the choices we make.

 

You really need to stop listening to her talk and just get rid of her. Everything she says is just gobbledygook nonsense meant to mess with your head. She says you are not who you presented yourself to be but that sounds like projection to me. She is not the person she presented to you. That's why it's futile to hang on and hope that she turns back into the person she used to be. That person was a fake, an act she put on to real you in.

 

Kick her out. If she gets upset tell her to take personal responsibility for her feelings, just like she told you

[lovesflame]

What really happened to me is I always had long term relationships first with my daughters's mom- but she went insane after childbirth so we split up.

Afterwards, i had a very long 6 year not very happy but very stable relationship with someone who was 6 years my junior. She too had problems caused by her mother being murdered by her ex-husband.

 

All of the time I accomplished much in the outside world, I taught for 3 years, then switched schools and quit and experienced a major crisis when lies against me sought to dismantle my career. At the same moment, I left the bad relationship after too much violence (she cut me with glass and her self) and I sought a better life. I also got a much greater teaching job- became more immersed in self-help and I also made new friends and got back to spirituality,

 

however at the same time, I became highly promiscuous using dating apps- I had over 15 sex partners in 15 months and I started partying more. But last year, I stopped most all of that in order to pursue the goal of writing and performing which ended up going well, and I made some great new friends but many of them were also going through major upheavals in life around the same time as I and none of them had stable jobs or incomes.

 

I ended up dating someone and because obsessed when we broke up and as I look back that is what made me realize I had some problems with relationships I had not worked through.

 

I came into this relationship thinking it was different- I met her in real life at work she was the same age and loved children but more importantly- she was on a similar spiritual journey as myself and we could talk about anything- I mean it was unlike any of the prior 30 plus women I dated each week.

 

But the difference is she saw me for who I was flaws and all and she started to not want anything co-dependent emotionally, but the problem was she is totally dependent on me for food, shelter and transportation. This is all coming to an end in 7 weeks once school starts.

 

I think she says many true things, because she says similar things to my therapist without even knowing each other, so I do appreciate the life lessons.

 

I do not know what love is really about at this point and I will never go back to my old ways of meaningless sex and having "fun." I am much to old for that.

 

I would like to be with her maybe in a couple years because she supports my growth as a person. Unfortunately, even in the circles I travel, it is difficult to find people who think working on themselves should come first- I am now in that club and it took me to hit this place of bedrock to see the truth that I have to work on me.

 

Life has been too easy on me and that's the problem- you can only learn through loss and challenge. I overcome the ones in life but relationships are not there yet.

 

I wonder do you all think that it is possible to have a relationship if you have issues?

 

Must I work everything out before others love and accept me?

 

I do not believe that is true. I want to be in a healthy relationship

[vla1120]

What is the longest you've gone without being in a relationship or doing online dating? I think it is really hard to work on yourself when you are with another person, especially in a dysfunctional relationship. You need to take time for yourself.

 

You remind me of myself in one respect (because I continue to provide care for my estranged, emotionally abusive husband - from a distance.) While everyone is telling you that you should kick her out of your house, you let her stay. It sounds like you are letting her stay for the summer. That's not what is best for you. It's what is best for her. At the very least, you should not be sharing a bed. I'm glad you decided to cancel the trip. You need to get her out of your life. THEN, you can work on yourself. Maybe you are too nice to put her stuff out on the curb and change the locks, but you do need to give her a deadline to be out of your place. She's a grown adult and should be responsible for herself - or move back home with her parents, if she can't support herself. She's not your problem (but she could become your problem in more ways than you can imagine if she gets in an accident with your car, or does something while living in your home, etc.)

 

I'm glad you have a therapist. listen to him/her. I was in pretty intensive therapy for the 5 years I was with my husband. My therapist literally saved me. Take care of yourself first and foremost!

[lovesflame]

I was not in a relationship or dating I would say since I have been over 21 years old not very often- I took 3 months of here and there.

 

The thing is she literally has nowhere to go- she moved across the country- she grew up as a foster child and adopted and now she has no paycheck stubs to rent a place- she says she will leave as soon as she gets her contract. and that will take about 4 weeks I imagine.

I do not like sharing the bed to be honest, because I still want to touch her or cuddle and so on.

 

I can't believe I am in this situation, but I am the one who moved her in and I made these choices.

 

Whenever we would argue before, we would always find a deeper resolution and talk about how to improve as people and how we work together. But then she told me I have no respect for any of her boundaries and she can't be with me.

It has been two weeks since she called off the engagement. Since then, I would say i brought it up numerous times maybe more than five times- honestly.

Each time, she say something to the effect of, "I cannot think about working things out at this time. I don't live in the future- I will not predict what will be. I live each day by day."

 

She says we have a new choice to start each day as a new day.

 

But, as you can see, she does not even commit to the idea of working it out.

 

She is really struggling with this program's demands (it is a terrible program) and says she is just trying to make it through each day by day.

 

This is the situation currently. I am not too upset about it anymore and being on here really has helped. I also just go to therapist, read, relax and most importantly mediate and journal (and write on here).

[Commongoal123]

She's manipulating you, gaslighting you, and using you. And I'm sorry if it hurts you reading that.

 

When you do eventually tell her to leave, expect that she will change her demeanor drastically and will want to be close with you again. But know that this is because she is sick in the head. If you allow that to make you accept her back into your home and your life, she will just go back to how she is acting now. Search online terms like gaslighting, projection, borderline personality disorder, and narcissistic personality disorder.

 

Anything she says to you about what she thinks or feels about you is a reflection of how she feels about herself.

 

Stop putting her needs ahead of your own.

 

So she is under pressure from school and the like. She'll never grow spiritually or grow personally if you continue to bail her out and enable her. Think of kicking her out a good thing for not only you, but her as well, because then she will truly have to grow spiritually and personally. And if that is what she truly wants for herself, then let her have it.

[lovesflame]

 

When you do eventually tell her to leave, expect that she will change her demeanor drastically and will want to be close with you again. But know that this is because she is sick in the head. If you allow that to make you accept her back into your home and your life, she will just go back to how she is acting now. Search online terms like gaslighting, projection, borderline personality disorder, and narcissistic personality

 

 

How do you know this?

I went through her old adoption papers and found a psychologist said she had signs of narcissistic personality but that was like 13 years ago.

 

Regardless I want to tell you how I feel I feel like I have forgotten who I am because she told me she broke up with me due to my inauthenticity and that I am self deceptive that I will not face the reality or my issues. She told me when I did not tell her I was having a anxiety attack and I lied about it to her that is when she lost all trust in me and built up a wall around her heart.

She says to be authentic and never care if others like you.

 

See so much of what she says is good life advice. She tells me she will never want to be with me again she doesn’t like me.

 

I just admire her for overcoming so much in life and all the pain and trauma a and foster homes and I find her inspiring. Also I love her and I am unsure how to go forward.she moves on like nothing happened and says we never had anything special. It was just some words were said

[Orokotikki]

she moves on like nothing happened and says we never had anything special.

 

For her, the two of you DID NOT have anything special.

She has been using and abusing you and you need to wake up.

 

Perhaps she has some small bit of conscience that feels bad for taking advantage of you and thats why she is leaving, but more likely she is just manipulating you.

 

You will be condemning yourself to a life of mistreatment if you stay with her.

[GorillaTheater]

I went through her old adoption papers and found a psychologist said she had signs of narcissistic personality but that was like 13 years ago.

 

I'm no shrink, but every post you make about her confirms that this psychologist was, and is, absolutely right.

 

At some point you stop being a victim and start being a volunteer. I think you're there now.

[lovesflame]

For her, the two of you DID NOT have anything special.

 

She did want to get married not long ago it’s just intentionally cruel for her to say “yea so what I went along with some things you said.”

as though she had nothing to do with it.

 

But no she has not left or gone anywhere I meant moved on in her mind.

 

Is she sick? Because I’m not here to paint myself as a victim I made all these choices and took the risk and I bet it all but maybe she just doesn’t like me that’s what she says and not everyone likes me.

 

I am not a victim I am a volunteer I just really want to help her in life .

I can’t explain it I’ve never done this before and I don’t know what is going on with me but somehow this made me confront issues I’ve been carrying for years and if she’s gone in 4 weeks that’s that.

 

I don’t feel bad for myself and I’ve rarely seen some other people in this spot or they don’t share it but here I am telling you all. thanks.

Today I feel like I can barely move and I ache all over. I delivered lunch to her today. I feel in pain because I’m exhausted

Edited June 19, 2019 by lovesflame

[Orokotikki]

You could help her by teaching her that decent good men won't put up with her ****ty behavior and kick her out and out of your life.

[Commongoal123]

How do you know this?

I went through her old adoption papers and found a psychologist said she had signs of narcissistic personality but that was like 13 years ago.

 

Regardless I want to tell you how I feel I feel like I have forgotten who I am because she told me she broke up with me due to my inauthenticity and that I am self deceptive that I will not face the reality or my issues. She told me when I did not tell her I was having a anxiety attack and I lied about it to her that is when she lost all trust in me and built up a wall around her heart.

She says to be authentic and never care if others like you.

 

See so much of what she says is good life advice. She tells me she will never want to be with me again she doesn’t like me.

 

I just admire her for overcoming so much in life and all the pain and trauma a and foster homes and I find her inspiring. Also I love her and I am unsure how to go forward.she moves on like nothing happened and says we never had anything special. It was just some words were said

 

I don't know this. But what I do know is my experience with women who sound very similar to how your describe her, and this is what happened. It is also a trait of people with Cluster B personality disorders. Do not get sucked back in if she suddenly starts acting nice. Look up the term "hoovering" online associated with narcissistic personality disorder.

 

I agree with another member on here who commented on her psychologist notes. Everything you are describing here is a mix of NPD and BPD (borderline).

 

Regarding your comment about that psychologist making those comments when she was 13.... that is even more reason to believe she has NPD. If signs of it were seen THAT EARLY, it is almost a guarantee that she has it. That is not something that just goes away, and it tends to get worse as the person grows into their 20s-30s.

 

Listen. If I were in front of you in person I would sit with you until you get this, but I'm not, so I am going to write the following to you once:

 

I know you are confused. I have been there. I know you don't know which way is up right now. I have been there. And I know you are hurting.... I have been there.

 

Please take the following to heart.

 

She is no good for you.

 

She is being emotionally manipulative and emotionally abusive to you.

 

How do I know this?

 

Because of many of the comments you have made regarding her behavior towards you. The most recent one is her justification for "putting up walls" and not trusting you anymore because you lied about having a ****ing panic attack. My friend.... HER JUSTIFICATION IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR. It is emotional manipulation. Completely, 100%, emotional manipulation. And gaslighting. Ask yourself the question.... WHO in the right heart and right mind who actually practices compassion (the ways of Buddhism) uses somebody's fear of revealing a panic attack to someone else as a weapon against them and reason to "wall up" and not trust someone. The fact you had a panic attack and lied about it has NOTHING TO DO WITH HER and has everything to do with you, and instead of being supportive she blames you, uses it as reason to be ****tier to you, and kick you when you're down.

 

Buddhists do not do this. There is an old Buddhist saying that goes "if one stumbles across a person who has an arrow in their heart, one does not wonder where the arrow came from, and instead focuses on removing the arrow".

 

DO NOT use that saying as justification for pulling out some theoretical arrow out of her heart. I am using it as an example to show that the ways she is acting IS NOT COMPASSIONATE OR BUDDHIST.

 

****. Many non-spiritual and non-religious people do not do this.

 

Please do yourself a favor and educate yourself on the terms "gaslighting" "narcissistic personality disorder", "borderline personality disorder", "emotional manipulation", and "emotional abuse".

 

Please. She is no good. And not only is she showing plenty of signs of NPD/BPD, but you, my friend, are showing signs of a person who has experienced narcissistic abuse. So it may be worth your while to look up "symptoms of narcissistic abuse" and see if that resonates with you as well.

 

She is not a good person.

 

She is not wise or full of good advice.

 

I practice Buddhism, and have done so for a decade now. What she is preaching is not Buddhism. It is abusive and neglectful.

 

Good luck and I wish you the best,

 

-Common

Edited June 19, 2019 by Commongoal123

[lovesflame]

 

Listen. If I were in front of you in person I would sit with you until you get this, but I'm not, so I am going to write the following to you once:

 

I know you are confused. I have been there. I know you don't know which way is up right now. I have been there. And I know you are hurting.... I have been there.

 

Please take the following to heart.

 

She is no good for you.

 

She is being emotionally manipulative and emotionally abusive to you.

 

 

-Common

 

thank you this was very meaningful and helpful to me, you have no idea.

 

I am so caught off guard and I can't believe I am falling into this pattern of being a helper or codependent. I have to break free of it.

 

It is probably because of all her traumatic past that she shares with me.

 

Sometimes when I speak to her, she will simply not respond. And she will correct my every word. the other day I said, "You have to go to this park it was so cool."

She said, "HAVE to. I don't have to do anything. eliminate that word from your vocabulary."

 

Also, she is sleeping in the bed she said sleeping on the couch would be like if I "threw her in the dumpster."

I am wondering how this happened to me, but I don't think I am a victim because I signed up to have her with me.

 

She tells me once she saw the big picture of who I am then she did not like me anymore. Also, she told me my issues stand in the way.

 

It is confusing because I do have issues that she brings up and mostly it is accurate. but this is not what I want in life. It is so hard because this was not her when we met, but I looked it up and it says they idealize and then devalue the same person.

 

Maybe you can relate she said the most meaningful and personal and unique words of affirmation to me, such kind things. and she told me things I loved to hear. We also did every single thing together.

 

I am hurting you seem to understand, so I am guessing you understand how hard it is to break free. she still has so many charismatic qualities and she is unlike anyone I ever met, but this cannot excuse anything she has done.

 

the other day this giant fight happened because I told her I felt happy we had a good night out and she told me, "you sound so desperate and it distresses me. You act like you can't live without me." It went from there and then all the cruel things that followed

 

I don't want to go overboard and throw her out tonight I am damn exhausted from all this.

Edited June 19, 2019 by lovesflame

[Commongoal123]

 

Maybe you can relate she said the most meaningful and personal and unique words of affirmation to me, such kind things. and she told me things I loved to hear. We also did every single thing together.

 

I am hurting you seem to understand, so I am guessing you understand how hard it is to break free. she still has so many charismatic qualities and she is unlike anyone I ever met, but this cannot excuse anything she has done.

 

the other day this giant fight happened because I told her I felt happy we had a good night out and she told me, "you sound so desperate and it distresses me. You act like you can't live without me." It went from there and then all the cruel things that followed

 

I don't want to go overboard and throw her out tonight I am damn exhausted from all this.

 

Hey friend,

 

You are very very welcome, and I absolutely understand. I think there are probably many people on here that do. There is another forum for people who have had to suffer through dating or being in the family with people who have Cluster B personality disorders (NPD, BPD, etc) called "out of the fog". Look that forum up. There is a lot to learn there, and a lot of people who know exactly how you're feeling right now and have lived through it to tell the tale.

 

There is another side to all of this and a light at the end of the tunnel. The only way out is through, and you will get there I am sure.

 

And you are right, NPDs and BPDs do idolize and then devalue you. Apparently she is devaluing you right now even though YOU are the reason why SHE can get on with life. So when she said to you that "you act like you can't live without me" it is because she feels like like SHE can't live without you because you are LITERALLY the reason why she is able to do anything for herself right now.... even sleeping in YOUR bed while YOU sleep on the couch and make YOU feel guilty about having her sleep on the couch in YOUR OWN HOME. Anyone with any amount of respect would not act so entitled in someone else's home. Again.... THIS IS NOT NORMAL my friend.

 

A note on the whole idolize/devalue thing.... it is called "lovebombing". There is a lot of info about that online as well.

 

Regarding NPD and BPD traits, there is info on my previous comment about how when you do tell her to leave, she will start acting nice again. This is called "hoovering" and NPDs and BPDs do it a lot. DO NOT BELIEVE IN IT. Stay strong and know that it is only hoovering. If you don't believe me and then accept her back.... she will just go back to acting how she is now. Then maybe that will be proof enough for you if it comes to it.

 

Seeing is believing. It took me a long time to see this stuff in some of the people I dated. It sounds like you're starting to see it now.

 

Just breathe and remember the only way out is through, remember that this is temporary, and perhaps most importantly remember that her responses and behavior toward you are manipulative, emotionally abusive, and IS NOT NORMAL BEHAVIOR. It is gaslighting.

 

Peace and love my friend,

 

-Common

[mark clemson]

My friend, it sounds like you are "putty in her hands" emotionally. This is not at all somewhere you want to be IMO.

 

Hope you are able to listen to and take to heart all the well-meant advice above.

 

IMO this person is no good for you. That's really the bottom line. Why would someone hang around for more emotional abuse?

[Commongoal123]

I went to edit my post and they didn't let me.

 

A note on my comment about her projecting her feelings onto you by telling you that you can't live without her..... when she is doing this it isn't because she feels like she can't live without you because of love she has for you. It is because you are literally giving her a place to stay, paying for things, giving her rides, bringing her lunches, etc etc etc..... she KNOWS somewhere in her ****ed up head, even if subconsciously, that without you shes ****ed right now. But purely for functional reasons, not for love. For her to accept this about herself to far too painful for her because she probably feels worthless... which is why she constantly is saying and doing things to make YOU feel worthless...

 

You're being a caretaker and an enabler (codependent terms... I do not mean that accusationally towards you at all in any way, because I used to be a caretaker and enabler as well, and sometimes still am but to a much lesser degree than I used to be). The best thing you could possibly do for her is to stop caretaking and enabling, asking her to leave so she has to face her own **** and grow personally and spiritually in the ways she claims to strive for, and then take care of yourself in the process of telling her to leave. Feel good about asking her to leave because in doing so you will TRULY be helping her.... and yourself. And feel good about yourself that you have a capacity for love and caring so great that you will withstand psychological and emotional manipulation and abuse in order to do what you believe is helping someone. That, my friend, is real strength, and real authenticity.

 

That may sound backwards to you. But it really is the best thing for both of you. Especially while she is being so awful towards you.

 

-Common

[lovesflame]

I went to edit my post and they didn't let me.

 

And feel good about yourself that you have a capacity for love and caring so great that you will withstand psychological and emotional manipulation and abuse in order to do what you believe is helping someone. That, my friend, is real strength, and real authenticity.

 

 

-Common

 

Thank you it sounds like you know exactly what I feel and that makes me feel good.

 

I have so much compassion for people who go through so much and then stay positive but in reality she is not doing well.

On my birthday she started hysterically crying when we were around my family and went home to cry on the floor.

 

I am being codependent. There’s no way to help her I’m not a savior and I need to stop.

 

I literally don’t know how she will finish this program without me and there’s only 4 more weeks but I feel like I’m on an emotional breakdown. She doesn’t even care. This is truly abnormal and I’m so shocked I accepted it but it’s becaaue I projected so much on her like she’s my source of wisdom. She’s so smart quick and turns everything around I’ve never experienced anything like it I don’t even realize what happened until a day or two later.

[The Outlaw]

It's not that she can't commit to anything, she simply won't commit to anything. If she had any shred of decency or respect for you as a man, she'd MAKE the effort to work things out. Don't get your hopes up, this is over. Show her the door, she isn't your problem.