Fiancé called off wedding

[Commongoal123]

 

I am being codependent. There’s no way to help her I’m not a savior and I need to stop.

 

I literally don’t know how she will finish this program without me and there’s only 4 more weeks but I feel like I’m on an emotional breakdown. She doesn’t even care. This is truly abnormal and I’m so shocked I accepted it but it’s becaaue I projected so much on her like she’s my source of wisdom. She’s so smart quick and turns everything around I’ve never experienced anything like it I don’t even realize what happened until a day or two later.

 

Please keep in your conscious mind the codependent comment you just made about yourself... especially anytime you are dealing with this girl. You are likely much LESS codependent in other situations with other people. So, it is important to keep it in mind at all times when dealing with this person in particular (or any Cluster B personality disorder types for that matter). Its toxicity at its best for you.

 

The fact that she only has 4 weeks left to me is a sign that the timing is "perfect" for this. She will learn so much more. Please do not wait until those 4 weeks are up, because I guarantee you that if you do, she will only become worse and highly likely leave you for someone else she ends up manipulating and abusing just like she is to you. I know this because it has happened to me in a very similar situation regarding your current situation. Don't wait for that to happen like I did; because then when you're forced to let go and she leaves you to leech off someone else, the option of her having to learn anything through your actions isn't there.

 

You're on an emotional breakdown because she ****ed your head up with her manipulation and emotional/psychological abuse.

 

It is normal for people to feel the way you feel right now through what you term as an emotional breakdown after being manipulated and emotionally and psychologically abused. This makes you a "target" that someone picked out... not a victim, because you will be able to leave it all behind someday. As I mentioned before, do some reading on the "effects of narcissistic abuse" and see if any of it resonates with you.

 

Know that it will end and that this is temporary as long as you move through it. A major part of this process will be telling her to leave, and then if she changes how she acts towards you (saying things like "I want to be together", "I miss you", "I want you", etc)... stay strong and remember:

 

"I am being codependent. There’s no way to help her I’m not a savior and I need to stop."

 

And remember that she is being psychologically and emotionally abusive, and manipulative... and may very well have NPD or BPD.

 

I've been where you are. It sucks terribly bad. But you won't always feel like this. And, when you find your way out, you'll likely feel better than you've felt your entire life.

 

You made the comment that you "projected onto her". I have thought this myself as well when first learning about projection and how it works. The fact that you are even considering that you may have projected ONTO HER, while being bombarded with toxicity from her, shows just how much you AREN'T projecting onto her. My first thoughts when reading about projection for at least the first year were "I'm projecting my **** onto this person"... which in some cases I was. But I never found myself projecting negative qualities that I possess onto an NPD or BPD girlfriend. It took me a long time to learn that, and I wish I had learned it sooner. But, that was my process.

 

Please take my word on this. You aren't projecting ANYTHING onto her. Don't confuse your objective perspective and awareness for projection, friend. This is one avenue people like her can get into our heads...

 

That is.... at least you aren't projecting anything negative about yourself onto her. But it is possible that you are projecting GOOD things about yourself onto her.... For example.... you may be a great source of wisdom for yourself. Perhaps you're really intuitive and aware of your surroundings.

 

It may be worth asking yourself what kinds of GOOD things about yourself that you don't believe about yourself you're projecting onto her....

 

Perhaps you're the one out of the two of you who actually has a good understanding of things spiritually. Did you used to have spiritual and expansive thoughts before meeting her, that began to die as she became a "spiritual" (manipulative) source of wisdom for yourself? I bet so.

 

Don't go down the path of believing that you're projecting negative things about yourself onto her. I guarantee that you aren't.

 

How do I know? I lived it, too.

 

I hope this has been helpful for you. You're gonna get through this and feel better than you know now.

 

Peace and love,

 

-Common

[lovesflame]

Did you used to have spiritual and expansive thoughts before meeting her, that began to die as she became a "spiritual" (manipulative) source of wisdom for yourself? I bet so.

 

Don't go down the path of believing that you're projecting negative things about yourself onto her. I guarantee that you aren't.

 

How do I know? I lived it, too.

 

I hope this has been helpful for you. You're gonna get through this and feel better than you know now.

 

Peace and love,

 

-Common

 

Amazingly helpful I can feel your love and understanding coming through to me and it’s like you’re here helping me.

 

I think I project all my spiritual yearnings on her. I was already doing all the mediation and qigong and practices before we met.

Of course we started doing everything together and lots of sound healinga.

 

The funny thing is I made so much spiritual progress with her that’s maybe what I’m afraid to lose.

Usually during mediation or after sound healing she would cry and hearing the stories of her traumas somehow made me love her as she cried on me.

 

Then over time it was all about being alone for her.

 

So here’s the place we are at currently she comes home and talks about all her day and the beliefs she has that brought her through life and the same things about relinquishing control and bringing what you want to you through you’re higher self with no effort. Also not taking things personally.

 

She told me a story of someone telling her how authentic she was and then she tells me about all of this I mean we talked for hours.

 

What is all of this?

 

Why talk to me?

 

It’s all strange and unexpected and I know my next plans but what is up with this?

[Commongoal123]

Amazingly helpful I can feel your love and understanding coming through to me and it’s like you’re here helping me.

 

I think I project all my spiritual yearnings on her. I was already doing all the mediation and qigong and practices before we met.

Of course we started doing everything together and lots of sound healinga.

 

The funny thing is I made so much spiritual progress with her that’s maybe what I’m afraid to lose.

Usually during mediation or after sound healing she would cry and hearing the stories of her traumas somehow made me love her as she cried on me.

 

Then over time it was all about being alone for her.

 

So here’s the place we are at currently she comes home and talks about all her day and the beliefs she has that brought her through life and the same things about relinquishing control and bringing what you want to you through you’re higher self with no effort. Also not taking things personally.

 

She told me a story of someone telling her how authentic she was and then she tells me about all of this I mean we talked for hours.

 

What is all of this?

 

Why talk to me?

 

It’s all strange and unexpected and I know my next plans but what is up with this?

 

You are so welcome man.

 

Ok... so there's a lot going on here.

 

I support your perspective that you project your spiritual YEARNINGS onto her. That is very insightful of you.

 

The fact you were doing meditation and ****ing qigong (I did this as well for a while)... speaks volumes my man. Take a step back and observe your own statement. You were meditating and engaging in qigong.... both of which are very disciplinary for the mind and body respectively. You were doing this before meeting her. Was she? Likely not. (Don't tell me she was meditating, because we both know what that truly entails).

 

I respect your comment about feeling like you progressed spiritually upon her entrance into your life. I have experienced this myself with an NPD and a BPD through certain one-liners they sent my way (multiple occasions with different partners for me). However, I hope for you to consider how much of that spiritual growth came to you out of what were ultimately traumatic experiences for you, and how much of that spiritual growth truly reflects depths she can actually dive to...

 

Bringing what you want to you through your higher self takes a lot of work. A hell of a lot of work. Consider it nature's safety net. If just anyone could just bring what they wanted to themselves through their higher self, then we would all be doing it.... (****ing Hitler would have done it)....

 

It isn't easy.

 

It's not supposed to be easy.

 

Ever climb a big-assed mountain before above 10,000 feet? It isn't easy. And that is why a lot of people aren't doing it. But it sure is rewarding.

 

Her crying after meditation and sound healing and sharing stories of her trauma can get complicated when it comes to being codependent with a Cluster B personality type. Why? Because what she is showing you in those moments (moments... I stress the term moments) are likely how she truly feels, and could be things that really happened to her. And it is awful to listen to and to see.

 

Insert -- ["I am being codependent. There’s no way to help her I’m not a savior and I need to stop"] here...

 

That being said.... 95% (often time more...) of all of the "reality" she is sharing ultimately gets used against people like us in manipulative ways... upon which the psychological and emotional abuse grows. Like I said in a previous post to you; "this is an avenue for people like her to get into our heads".

 

Her telling you a story about someone telling her how authentic she is... is bull****. I promise you. Perhaps someone said something like "nice scarf, where did you get it from?"... or something.... to figure out who made the scarf. And she turned it into how "authentic" she is as she conveyed to you....

 

It is a means of throwing you off center. Do not allow yourself to be thrown off center by her and/or people like her.

 

She is talking to you and engaging with you in ways which she WANTS you to see as "intimate"... is not intimate. She is trying to keep you "in the fog". Likely because she can sense that you are going to start pushing back. NPDs and BPDs are incredibly people-aware considering how much they are NOT self-aware....

 

Listen, friend....

 

"What is all of this?"

 

"Why talk to me?"

 

Seeking absolute answers to these questions in the situation you are in are only going to lead you further down the rabbit hole. This is also a way which NPD/BPD keep their "partners" off center. It is crazymaking. Look up the term "crazymaking".

 

The fact that you have to ask yourself the question "why talk to me" while she is sleeping in your ****ing bed is reason enough for you to tell her to leave, and for you to put on an emotional HAZMAT suit with this woman.

 

You're gonna be okay man.

 

Print these posts if you have to.

 

-Common.

[Orokotikki]

She told me a story of someone telling her how authentic she was and then she tells me about all of this I mean we talked for hours.

 

What is all of this?

 

Why talk to me?

 

It’s all strange and unexpected and I know my next plans but what is up with this?

 

This is just to keep you from realizing her true self, which is not authentic at all, just manipulative and a user of people.

[lovesflame]

are you still on here common. I have found out more and more about BPD thanks for helping me to see the "FOG" but also I wanted to talk to you more because you helped me so much if you respond that will be awesome!