Falling at final hurdle for a few reasons.

[Aquarius9]

Hi. To give a bit of background, I kind of enjoy single life while at the same time, I'm sick of being single. Before, I've pushed down any desire to become involved romantically with women, because I had terrible experiences with relationships in my late teens and they still haunt me. Lately, over the past year or so, that desire for romance has arisen again.

 

I make the effort; I approach women quite alot in pubs/bars, apparently people like the confidence that someone has to possess to do that. The start (actually approaching and talking) is a strength of mine, it's just the end where I fall short, for a few reasons.

 

Whenever I get chatting to these women, we have a good conversation, and it's usually a group of them; I'll be invited to hang with them and we'll usually move on to another pub close by. They're ALWAYS the two big, trendy pubs/bars. This is where I seem to lose my nerve. It's like a cloud that descends over me that I find so difficult to evade and it saps my conversational ability.

 

These pubs are full of people that I feel uncomfortable around; the 'popular' people. I must have social anxiety to some extent, as I partially withdraw into my shell. I'll still talk, and try as hard as I can to appear the same as I did earlier, but I can't help it, I think being around that many 'popular' and confident people intimidates me. My mood plummets, and people can tell. I keep getting asked "Are you alright?" by the people I'm with, because of the look on my face; I look a bit (not entirely) depressed/sullen, and I keep trying to stop myself from looking like that, but it keeps happening. I can't stop it.

 

On top of that, (I think this is partially what feeds the above uncomfortable feeling) whenever we go to these bars, I have this terrible fear that the girl amongst the group that I'm interested in, the one I've been talking to for the past hour or more, is going to have some guy try to get close to her on the dance floor and try and test her reaction and come between us, or they'll start a conversation with her, or it'll be someone they know and they start hanging out with them and just leave me there.

 

I think that worrying once I get into those popular bars makes me seem awkward. As I said, my conversational ability is sapped despite how hard I try to retain it, I look somewhat sullen and I'm intimidated. I doubt all that's attractive.

 

I'm actually having counselling soon, but in the meantime, would anyone have any advice? Thanks for reading.

Edited June 10, 2019 by Aquarius9

[Gretchen12]

I refuse to carry on a conversation in a large popular bar because it's always noisy there and I refuse to shout for an extended amount of time because it ruins my voice. You can still have a good time just listen and laugh, watching people. If I want to talk to someone I ask him to go with me some place quiet, or else just dance, no shouting for me.

You don't need to worry. Don't try to do much in a noisy place. No one hears you anyway.

Edited June 10, 2019 by Gretchen12

[Aquarius9]

I refuse to carry on a conversation in a large popular bar because it's always noisy there and I refuse to shout for an extended amount of time because it ruins my voice. You can still have a good time just listen and laugh, watching people. If I want to talk to someone I ask him to go with me some place quiet, or else just dance, no shouting for me.

You don't need to worry. Don't try to do much in a noisy place. No one hears you anyway.

 

I'm trying to be cool, but I can't help it. A few years ago, I had really bad experiences in these pubs that I'm talking about with regards to self esteem (not anything to do with other people as such, just things I've inflicted on myself). I can't be myself because I keep worrying and I'm intimidated by the sixty or so people on the dance floor at any one time and the accompanying possibility of some arrogant guy trying to chat up the girl I'm with. The other bars aren't like that anywhere near as much; the crowd is much more down to Earth, with a mixture of personalities and age ranges.

 

I keep thinking that people think I'm awkward when this happens and just lose interest in me, or if I'm overthinking it and it's not as bad as it seems to me.

 

There has to be a way to improvise.

Edited June 10, 2019 by Aquarius9

[Gretchen12]

Instead of trying to act like you're comfortable, just don't go where you don't want to be. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do for work, home responsibilities, etc. But this is leisure. You are free. If people want to go to the pubs you don't like, just say no. As I get older I have nothing to prove in socializing and I just do it on my own terms. Actually people see you are at ease with yourself and they come to you.

[Lotsgoingon]

Yeah, get to counseling/therapy and discuss this fear.

 

Right now you're harboring the secret fear that these women who talk to you at the first bar ... will become ultra-turned on by all the super-popular people at the second bar. And you know you're not like the super-popular people.

 

So ... a few things ... One, it's quit going to the super-cool bar with the popular people. Stay at the first bar, if that's your comfort level. Politely decline their invitation to go with them to the next bar. Nothing wrong about that.

I had a close buddy a few years back who developed an entire separate friendship group ... in addition to the group we were part of ... I just didn't connect with those folks. I didn't dislike them ... I just didn't feel them. Didn't get their humor, the stories--didn't get why my buddy so liked them.

 

I gave this group at try ... but ultimately I realized, it's OK to not like this group and I stopped hanging with them.

 

BTW: some of the women in your group from bar #1 ... are as awkward inside as you feel ... when they arrive at bar #2 ... They're just better at hiding it ... or they have decided they want to try the experience of the popular bar.

 

Part of what you're experiencing is a confidence issue or lack thereof. You don't need to think the popular people have anything deep on you.

 

But part of what you're experiencing is the growth pains involved in being social. That's good! ... keep being social ... one day ... hang out with one of those women you like ... just one ... and share your worries and your feelings at bar #2 ... (Maybe or maybe not the one you have eyes on.) You need to hear the perspective of real women.

 

Bottom line: to date and find someone you like, it is not required that you feel comfortable in the super-popular bar. Nope.

[Aquarius9]

Yeah, get to counseling/therapy and discuss this fear.

 

Right now you're harboring the secret fear that these women who talk to you at the first bar ... will become ultra-turned on by all the super-popular people at the second bar. And you know you're not like the super-popular people.

 

So ... a few things ... One, it's quit going to the super-cool bar with the popular people. Stay at the first bar, if that's your comfort level. Politely decline their invitation to go with them to the next bar. Nothing wrong about that.

I had a close buddy a few years back who developed an entire separate friendship group ... in addition to the group we were part of ... I just didn't connect with those folks. I didn't dislike them ... I just didn't feel them. Didn't get their humor, the stories--didn't get why my buddy so liked them.

 

I gave this group at try ... but ultimately I realized, it's OK to not like this group and I stopped hanging with them.

 

BTW: some of the women in your group from bar #1 ... are as awkward inside as you feel ... when they arrive at bar #2 ... They're just better at hiding it ... or they have decided they want to try the experience of the popular bar.

 

Part of what you're experiencing is a confidence issue or lack thereof. You don't need to think the popular people have anything deep on you.

 

But part of what you're experiencing is the growth pains involved in being social. That's good! ... keep being social ... one day ... hang out with one of those women you like ... just one ... and share your worries and your feelings at bar #2 ... (Maybe or maybe not the one you have eyes on.) You need to hear the perspective of real women.

 

Bottom line: to date and find someone you like, it is not required that you feel comfortable in the super-popular bar. Nope.

 

I get what you mean about not taking to the other group. I've had friends before who seemed to adore a person who you can't understand what's so great about, and seemed intent on inviting them out with us at every opportunity.

 

Not to sound arrogant, but with regards to popular people, I'm actually reasonably popular myself, I've always enjoyed having a wide group of friends rather than a few, it's just that most of my mates are in relationships so alot of them don't really go to pubs/bars much. I'm not popular in the kind of confident, exuberant, 'look at me, I'm with my group of friends and we're having a great time' kind of way. Ironically, I have been a a little like the latter part of that on the sporadic occasions when they've been with me!

 

I did have a question about something you said; don't think those popular people have anything deep on me. I may be being thick (perhaps it's a saying that's not said where I'm from), but I'm not sure what you mean, could you expand on it?

 

I'd rather still go to these popular bars if the girl I'm interested in is going there, simply because I don't want to miss out on her. If I leave her to it, there's a good chance she'll go off and meet somebody else. I'd rather go in the bar with the stuck up people and take my chances than miss out entirely.

 

But yeah, I am getting therapy soon. My first appointment is over two weeks away, damn that fortnight's going to drag.

Edited June 13, 2019 by Aquarius9

[Aquarius9]

Instead of trying to act like you're comfortable, just don't go where you don't want to be. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do for work, home responsibilities, etc. But this is leisure. You are free. If people want to go to the pubs you don't like, just say no. As I get older I have nothing to prove in socializing and I just do it on my own terms. Actually people see you are at ease with yourself and they come to you.

 

Well, if there's a woman that I'm interested in and she and her group (as they always seem to be in groups) pretty much invites me to go to another bar, I don't particularly want to say no as I'll miss out. I understand what you're saying about being free, but still, if I leave her to it or stay in the bar, I've missed out entirely.

 

I do get your sentiments, though. Be your own person, pretty much? I shouldn't *have* to go with them if I want to be with someone? Maybe let them come to me.

[Lotsgoingon]

I did have a question about something you said; don't think those popular people have anything deep on me. I may be being thick (perhaps it's a saying that's not said where I'm from), but I'm not sure what you mean, could you expand on it?

 

I'd rather still go to these popular bars if the girl I'm interested in is going there, simply because I don't want to miss out on her. If I leave her to it, there's a good chance she'll go off and meet somebody else. I'd rather go in the bar with the stuck up people and take my chances than miss out entirely.

 

But yeah, I am getting therapy soon. My first appointment is over two weeks away, damn that fortnight's going to drag.

 

Sorry for the clumsy phrasing ... the guys are pub #2 ... have no great advantage in attractiveness over you ... that's what I meant by saying they have nothing "deep" on you ... Superficially they look more suave AT THIS PARTICULAR pub ... on these particular nights.

 

You said you are afraid the woman you are interested in would run off with one of the guys are pub #2 if you don't go there.

 

So one, that's not reason to go to pub #2 ... Pub #2 (and #3 & #4) will always exist ... so you don't want run after her in every pub. Two, it doesn't work to be at the pub while feeling miserable and out of place. Either practice feeling more comfortable (great project for therapy) or don't go. Pretending to be comfortable at someplace you're not ... doesn't really impress anyone. People easily see our discomfort.

 

Can you dance? ... Have you asked the woman you like onto the dance floor of pub #2?

 

I say in general ... slow down ... meeting these women is great. Most likely the one you have your eye on ... doesn't know you're interested ... she's probably not sending you signs of interest. Just have fun ... and keep going out (skip pub #2 if you can't get at peace there).

[spiderowl]

I can see you don't want to move on to the second bar so why go? I understand that you might be interested in a woman and that's where she's going, but why not say 'not my thing' and be brave and ask if you can call her sometime?

 

I know exactly what you mean about these types of bars where all the 'beautiful' people go. They are not very comfortable.