RickRud2019 Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 Ever since my wife and i met she has always been a very conservative virgin girl. I knew she had a BF before me but she insisted she was a virgin and it was very important to her. This has throughout our relationship, at first it was her making sure we took things slow and making sure she took each step carefully as her virginity was so so so important to her. After a while (and after we were married) it became more form me not believing her about her past BF as gaps in her stories and insistence started to appear. Now like 10 years later she was drunk and admitted to me she had sex with her bf all those years ago and has lied to me ever since. She says she is sorry for lying to me and causing so many arguments about it, but it was only with him and only while they were together as a couple. She was also open about what they did together. Last week i was cleaning in the garage and in an old box buried in the back i found some old old pics of her taken just before we got together as a couple. They were black and white pics of her on the beach, appeared naked but not showing anything. She tried telling me they were pics taken by her best friend and was def never naked just looked that way, always had clothes on. But then i saw when they were taken it was a time when her best friend was over seas. then she admitted it was taken by her ex BF like 2 years after they had broken up, and she was nearly naked for the pics - left her clothes in his car just a g string. She said nothing else happened she just wanted some nice sexy pics, there was definitely no sex that happened, not even kissing. I have looked at the pics and cannot see any hint of a g string. She says its no big deal and she is sorry and i should just get over it. But i feel like its a big deal she has been lying to me for all this time. Its not so much that she had sex, its that she lied about it so much and took it so far. Also i am not sure i buy the explanation she took those pics and nothing else happened with her EX like a few weeks before we got together. What do you guys think? Is she she right its no big deal? Do you believe her nothing happened with her EX taking those pics? Link to post Share on other sites
Guildford Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 I am curious. When you first met your wife, did you indicate that it was important that you marry a virgin? Also, how old was she when you met, and did you have carnal knowledge of her before you were married? Stating that you wanted to marry a virgin, or stating that virginity was a requirement for a long term relationship, can set you up for the girl hiding her past. I can see where her dishonesty can be worrisome, but it does not strike me a sufficient grounds to justify a divorce. I suggest that you have a long talk with her on the importance of honesty in all things. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickRud2019 Posted June 11, 2019 Author Share Posted June 11, 2019 Thanks. No the virgin to marriage thing was all her. I said i didnt mind at all. it worries me she is still lying about the beach pics too. I mean i see no sign of the g string. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 I don’t actually care what happened with her first boyfriend or whether she is wearing a g string in the photos or who took the photos... it’s really none of your business, she is entitled to her privacy if she so chooses. Assuming she didn’t get arrested for public nudity, she has done nothing wrong. That said, I wouldn’t be very happy with the lying and trickle truth. It’s natural for young people to be curious, and to experiment with sex. But I wonder, if virginity was important to her - do you think she felt shame or regret and that’s why she was dishonest with you? For some young people raised in conservative homes, it can be difficult to reconcile their feelings for another person/sexuality with their conservative values. Is it possible that you gave her the impression that her virginity was important to you? I wonder where her thoughts/values developed... Moving forward, I would be clear with her that you have no judgment and she does not need to hide anything. That said, I would impress upon her just how seriously you take the fact that she has lied and be sure she understands, it can not continue. Marriages only work when their is trust and honesty. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickRud2019 Posted June 11, 2019 Author Share Posted June 11, 2019 Thanks. Yes i was clear virginity didn't matter to me. its the misleading i don't like and i think is still happening. I honestly wish i could see a g string in one of the pics so i could believe her Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 Most likely she lied because of how she wished things would be - especially if she was brought up valuing virginity. What I don't understand is why you're having so many arguments over it. I know you're upset that she wasn't honest from the beginning, but what do you hope to achieve by fighting over this with her continually? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 (edited) G-strings are nick-named dental floss - that is how tiny the string is, designed to be invisible, unlike panties. Give her a break. Edited June 11, 2019 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 Now that you know that she can look you straight in the eye and lie like a rug for over a decade ..... what else do you think she is being dishonest about? You wouldn't be here if you weren't thinking that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 I don't care how she was brought up and whether or not virginity is important to her. If it's that important she should have stayed a virgin and not lied. You didn't ask for a virgin this is just her trying to dial back her past and act innocent. There's no telling what all she's done sexually. I know women who lie about their past sexual history to get a man. Don't let her get away with it. Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 What she lied about isn't that serious to you because you made it clear you did not care about her virginity. It must have been pretty important to her, which is why she carried that guilt for so long. It probably makes you wonder what else she could be lying about. Hopefully, you know your wife well enough to know whether this is an isolated incident or whether she could be living a lie under your nose, and there may be other things she's lying about. Go with your instinct. Tell her you want to get it all out on the table (including how long she was involved with her ex after you thought it was over) so that she can finally get rid of the guilt and you can move forward having trust in her and in your relationship. Since all of this happened before your relationship, I don't think it is a deal breaker. The deal breaker is the honesty issue, but even that can be resolved without too much damage to your relationship, if she is forthcoming from now on. Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 Your wife has a lying problem, a problem with being honest. I would be very concerned, not about the subject matter, but that she can lie to you for years, with what sounds like very little remorse. BTW - Yes it would not normally matter if she was a virgin, if she hadn't been 1)using it to manipulate him for a long time while they dated and 2) lying about it for years before coming clean. I would really encourage her to get to the bottom of why lying is so acceptable to her and how she can overcome it. I find it very unlikely that she does not lie to you whenever it is convenient to her for whatever reason. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 (edited) @Orokotikki.... Yeah, this is the problem, really. While there are reasons why she might have lied, in a healthy and trusting relationship she should have been able to come clean about it before now. Keeping a huge lie from your spouse shows a lack of love and trust, and it lays the gr\oundwork for lying about all sorts of other things. At the minimum, marriage counseling and talking about what she did and why would be helpful. Edited June 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 Okay a few things. 1. Sounds like you have some significant retroactive jealousy issues. You allude to numerous arguments prior to the disclosure about her lie. 2. Not going to go into the importance of your wife's virginity - if might be a you or a her thing. Or it might be cultural or religious. I'll leave you two alone on that. 3. Has your wife lied about other things during the course of your marriage? Small or big? Setting this one thing aside, would you consider her to be a truthful and honest person before you found out about it? The reason I ask this is because of the nature of the lie and your obvious sensitivity to it. it makes it hard to deal with logically. I get it. Don't beat yourself up about it. Okay, so to help you unpack this a big more, let's work in reverse: If you answered #3 that prior to learning about this lie you wife had lied about other things and you wouldn't consider her to be an honest or truthful person then there you go. You have your answer. Your wife is a dishonest person and the only thing different this time is that she told a lie about something you really cared about. But, if you answered that yes, you would have considered her to be a honest and truthful person prior to the discovery of this lie, then you have to conclude that she's basically an honest and truthful person. I mean, you can't be married to someone for ten years and not know this - one way or another. If that's the case, it all comes back to the lie itself. And whether your reaction is about the nature of the lie or that she lied. Ask yourself if the lie that you had uncovered was about something else would it have made such a big difference to you? Like what if you had discovered that she didn't really have that professional certification. Or really hadn't gone on that class trip to Spain. Or didn't really do that first year at Law School. Something significant but not about sex or prior boyfriends. Would you still be wrapped around the axle about it? If not, then you need to recognize that the subject matter of the lie is what's bothering you, not the lie itself. See what I mean? As for the subject matter - man, that's a tough one. One the one hand, I get why it bothers you. And if you have a bad case of retroactive jealousy there isn't a single thing I can say to you that will make it better. Hope this helps! Mrin 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 Unless he just never caught her in other lies. He might have very well have thought she was very honest, a perception reinforced by the lie was a virgin (because people who value this are thought to be sticklers about rules). But likely most things she would have lied about he would have forgotten before noticing she contradicted them, because they did not seem important. Something exceptional and uncommon (virginity) is easily remembered. Noticing that 3 weeks she said she was at the store for an hour with Cindy, but today she said no she bought that new underwear that from that store when she was with Tammy, is very hard to catch (example), especially since at the time he trusted her and didn't really care what the answer is. If it was easy to accurately gauge whether people were 'honest' they would not cause near so much damage. BTW she wasn't in a parking lot with Tim from work for that hour (they're just friends), she was getting lunch with Katie who she went to school with and you met her that one time, remember? Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 The virginity itself shouldn't be a big deal - trust me, if you want to make the experience pleasant for her, having intercourse with a female virgin is a LOT of work. But the lying would be a dealbreaker to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Springsummer Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 (edited) Now that you know that she can look you straight in the eye and lie like a rug for over a decade ..... what else do you think she is being dishonest about? This and she wasn't forced to lie and she has no remorse. Edited June 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickRud2019 Posted June 11, 2019 Author Share Posted June 11, 2019 I just want the truth. And i am sure i am not getting all of it Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickRud2019 Posted June 11, 2019 Author Share Posted June 11, 2019 G-strings are nick-named dental floss - that is how tiny the string is, designed to be invisible, unlike panties. Give her a break. I get that but looking at the pics i don't see any sign of it. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 All you can do is put it behind you. So long as the marriage is solid, don't worry too much about it. Yes, she lied, and it can be a problem. But it's possible that she did value it, but was embarrassed to tell you that it her first time wasn't with you. That's something a lot of people don't come clean about because it just isn't anyone's business. Just try your best to move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
ChatroomHero Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 (edited) I just want the truth. And i am sure i am not getting all of it Let me ask you this, what are you going to do with the truth? Honestly, everyone has some skeleton in their closet from their past. Everyone has embarrassing choices that they want to forget ever happened. Everyone has thoughts or moments of weakness they do not want to define them. If you say you don't, you are lying. If you say you are not lying, you are double lying. What if she says she was nude on the beach with her ex bf and they did everything under the sun sexually and you don't measure up? What if she says her and him were exhibitionists? That stuff was in her past and bothersome. Digging that mine won't find you any gold. Know how to be happy? Accept there is something she is not willing to bring into the open, something she finds embarrassing or shameful. Something when you question her on she can't/won't deal with, and let it go. It's her past, let her have it and move on. For all you know she had sex with only her last bf and something tragic or horribly embarrassing happened that affected her greatly, like he told her it was his first time just to get laid then ditched her. For all you know she is embarrassed and trying to forget that part of her past because something bad happened TO her. I doubt you knowing will make a difference in the long run either way. I'd make peace with it and let her deal with her issues in her own way. Edited June 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Guildford Posted June 12, 2019 Share Posted June 12, 2019 A bit of advice for getting at the truth. First, act like the fact that she was not a virgin and lied about is no big deal and you are not upset about it. Second, get your wife really drunk again and then just get her talking. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 I second the idea to use alcohol again to find out some answers. "In vino veritas" and all that. But don't be surprised at what you hear. Women lie. ALL women lie. ALL people lie. You just have to find one that doesn't lie all the time! IDK why so many men think their wife is a virgin, only to find out the truth later. If you didn't break the hymen yourself, don't believe it. And even that is iffy because those things can be reconstructed surgically. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 (edited) I just want the truth. And i am sure i am not getting all of it The other issues aside, why are you owed "the truth" about something that happened before she even met you? You've turned this into kind of Mobius loop, you're obsessing about her lying regarding something you claim was't important in the first place. If she hasn't been honest, neither have you: After a while (and after we were married) it became more form me not believing her about her past BF as gaps in her stories and insistence started to appear. She says she is sorry for lying to me and causing so many arguments about it, but it was only with him and only while they were together as a couple. I don't care if my wife gave some BF a handjob when they were dating. So I haven't spent years probing her story, testing for gaps and inconsistencies and arguing about it. Can you say the same thing? I'd guess she lied because she thought you'd be judgmental. She was right... Mr. Lucky Edited June 13, 2019 by Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 In your place it would bother me, too, that your wife lied about her past. If I were married to someone and found out they'd lied to me I'd have to deal with it one way or another. I couldn't just ignore it and go on hoping they had, at some point, began telling me the truth. As far as the g-string/or not photo on the beach, this is just one example of where, because of her other lie, you don't believe her. You're wanting so much to see some evidence of the g-string, not because you care if she was nude or not, but because you want to know you can believe her. That's pretty much what the rest of your life is going to be like until you deal with that first lie. If she confessed about the first lie and showed remorse, I'd be able to move on. But, I'd be on notice about her honesty until some time passed and she'd proven she'd be honest with you even when it may impact her poorly. Link to post Share on other sites
Blackwell Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 What I don't get OP is how you couldn't tell she wasn't a virgin on the wedding night. Even if you'd wanna blame being pie-eyed drunk or rushed omg this is happening sex there should have been some clue. I think your issue is more a sense of insecurity than she lied. Not insecurity in that she lied but insecurity in what you mean to her. You have a hangup after all about the images you found. That would make me believe your wife isn't exactly "racy" with you. Maybe she's even prudish hence the nonsense about virginity when you should have clued in earlier than ten years. And the fact she's poised naked or near enough for someone else has increased your insecurities. Btw don't follow the foolish suggestion of getting her purposefully drunk. That's a disrespectful disregard of her trust in you over what is ultimately a minor situation - you haven't commented she's done other untruths despite people asking - that may just end in divorce Link to post Share on other sites
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