anika99 Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 All you can do is put it behind you. So long as the marriage is solid, don't worry too much about it. Yes, she lied, and it can be a problem. But it's possible that she did value it, but was embarrassed to tell you that it her first time wasn't with you. That's something a lot of people don't come clean about because it just isn't anyone's business. Just try your best to move forward. The problem is that the lying is not in the past. The OP just found the pictures last week and his wife's first reaction was to lie about them. She lied about who took the pictures, when they were taken and whether or not she had clothes on. That was just last week so not in the past and if it has become so normal and easy for her to lie to her husband then the marriage is not solid. OP you say that her virginity didn't matter to you in the least but then you say you have spent years arguing with her about it because you didn't believe her. Seems strange to me that you would spend that much time and energy on proving something that you say didn't even matter to you. In any case there is a problem with honesty in your marriage and that's what you need to address. Don't focus so much on the virginity and the pictures and instead try to find out why your wife lies to you. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 What I don't get OP is how you couldn't tell she wasn't a virgin on the wedding night. Even if you'd wanna blame being pie-eyed drunk or rushed omg this is happening sex there should have been some clue. There is no way to tell if a woman is a virgin or not. I didn't tell the first guy I ever had sex with that I was a virgin and he was none the wiser. He may have thought I was inexperienced but nothing indicated that I was a virgin. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 There is no way to tell if a woman is a virgin or not. I didn't tell the first guy I ever had sex with that I was a virgin and he was none the wiser. He may have thought I was inexperienced but nothing indicated that I was a virgin. That's interesting, anika. I thought there was always physical evidence left on the sheets of a first-time-experience (Sorry if that's too graphic, trying not to be). I'm only one person but assumed it was that way with every woman. That's not so? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickRud2019 Posted June 13, 2019 Author Share Posted June 13, 2019 In your place it would bother me, too, that your wife lied about her past. If I were married to someone and found out they'd lied to me I'd have to deal with it one way or another. I couldn't just ignore it and go on hoping they had, at some point, began telling me the truth. As far as the g-string/or not photo on the beach, this is just one example of where, because of her other lie, you don't believe her. You're wanting so much to see some evidence of the g-string, not because you care if she was nude or not, but because you want to know you can believe her. That's pretty much what the rest of your life is going to be like until you deal with that first lie. If she confessed about the first lie and showed remorse, I'd be able to move on. But, I'd be on notice about her honesty until some time passed and she'd proven she'd be honest with you even when it may impact her poorly. Yes that exactly how i feel, if i just felt she was telling the truth even now i would be able to get over it. I look through those pics and cant see anything but she insists she can and its there. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickRud2019 Posted June 13, 2019 Author Share Posted June 13, 2019 What I don't get OP is how you couldn't tell she wasn't a virgin on the wedding night. Even if you'd wanna blame being pie-eyed drunk or rushed omg this is happening sex there should have been some clue. I think your issue is more a sense of insecurity than she lied. Not insecurity in that she lied but insecurity in what you mean to her. You have a hangup after all about the images you found. That would make me believe your wife isn't exactly "racy" with you. Maybe she's even prudish hence the nonsense about virginity when you should have clued in earlier than ten years. And the fact she's poised naked or near enough for someone else has increased your insecurities. Btw don't follow the foolish suggestion of getting her purposefully drunk. That's a disrespectful disregard of her trust in you over what is ultimately a minor situation - you haven't commented she's done other untruths despite people asking - that may just end in divorce Thanks I wont get her drunk, i am not that disrespectful. You may have a point, she is very prudish with me. That's why it was so much of a surprise Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 That's interesting, anika. I thought there was always physical evidence left on the sheets of a first-time-experience (Sorry if that's too graphic, trying not to be). I'm only one person but assumed it was that way with every woman. That's not so? No pain or blood on sheets for this woman's first time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 There is no way to tell if a woman is a virgin or not. I didn't tell the first guy I ever had sex with that I was a virgin and he was none the wiser. He may have thought I was inexperienced but nothing indicated that I was a virgin. Same for me. I told him that I was inexperienced, but he did not know that it was my first time. I was not completely honest because he was experienced and I was very insecure that I had none. But, that quickly changed. There was no pain and no other evidence. Although I will say, I was a little sore the next day. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 It's entirely likely that this is a period in her life which she wants to forget. As a result, shes making like it didn't happen. If it is something she really wants to leave behind, then is it wise to make her relive it? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 I'd have a problem with the lying and if shes prudish towards you. You should be thankful she didn't lie about cheating on you shortly before getting married. Now that truly sucks. That's what my ex did, cheated before and after marriage. If I'd known the before part there wouldn't have been a marriage so I guess she to had a reason for keeping it from me. I took it as stealing over a decade of a very big part of my life from me. All that being said, the lying sucks but leave the damn picture alone, seriously you are obsessed over the one thing you shouldn't be. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 I look through those pics and cant see anything but she insists she can and its there. What do you think? I think you should toss the pictures, move on and enjoy your life and marriage... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 No pain or blood on sheets for this woman's first time. There was no pain and no other evidence. Although I will say, I was a little sore the next day. Thanks, ladies. This is news to me, not something I've ever discussed but just assumed... Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickRud2019 Posted June 14, 2019 Author Share Posted June 14, 2019 I think you should toss the pictures, move on and enjoy your life and marriage... Mr. Lucky i am looking for the g string to put my mind at ease. I wish i could see it. Do you think she had it on? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 Do you think she had it on? I don't think it matters. None of what you're doing is going to put you or your marriage in a better place. Be careful what you wish for... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 Thanks, ladies. This is news to me, not something I've ever discussed but just assumed... Yep. The cross bar on a too big men’s bicycle took care of that. Ouch 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted June 15, 2019 Share Posted June 15, 2019 i am looking for the g string to put my mind at ease. I wish i could see it. Do you think she had it on? Since you cannot quell your obsessive thoughts about this matter take the photo to an expert and have it digitized. Then have them use software that enhances details to search for the "G-String." If they can't find it - it's not there. Then go home and hold it over your wife's head until she files for divorce. I honestly don't understand how this is going to get you to where you want to go but then I'm not really sure where you want to go to with it. Try to gain some perspective. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 Yep. The cross bar on a too big men’s bicycle took care of that. Ouch Yikes! So sorry! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 Why are you obsessing about the g-string thing? Does it really matter, besides having more proof that she lied to you? You already know she lied to you about the virginity thing. Sometimes I think “don’t ask, don’t tell” is the best policy when it comes to one’s sexual past. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 That's interesting, anika. I thought there was always physical evidence left on the sheets of a first-time-experience (Sorry if that's too graphic, trying not to be). I'm only one person but assumed it was that way with every woman. That's not so? There's only blood if you went too quickly and caused tearing. If you do it gradually and she's relaxed, aroused, and lubricated, the hymen and the vaginal muscles will both stretch... so no injury, and no blood. I had slight pain, but no blood, and no soreness afterwards. If H saw any blood, he would've stopped. Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 RR, the details are the trees. You should be worried about whats in the forest, not the trees. These trees are distracting you from the forest, because dealing with the forest is more complicated and intimidating. These two trees matter little, find out whats in the forest, so you are prepared for it, since you are living in the middle of it. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 There's only blood if you went too quickly and caused tearing. If you do it gradually and she's relaxed, aroused, and lubricated, the hymen and the vaginal muscles will both stretch... so no injury, and no blood. I had slight pain, but no blood, and no soreness afterwards. If H saw any blood, he would've stopped. Interesting! Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickRud2019 Posted June 17, 2019 Author Share Posted June 17, 2019 Why are you obsessing about the g-string thing? Does it really matter, besides having more proof that she lied to you? You already know she lied to you about the virginity thing. Sometimes I think “don’t ask, don’t tell” is the best policy when it comes to one’s sexual past. I agree. Its more that she still insists that she had one on..... even though i have the pics. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 Let's say for the sake of argument that she did not have on a thong. She didn't and the reason that you are focusing on what boils down to a string is for a larger truth. You no longer trust your wife and you suspect that she was free spirited, uninhibited and lustful for another man in a way that she has not shown you. Is that what is really bothering you RickRud? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 Why are you making her insist on anything? Yes, it's not good that she lied about her virginity, but your response is only further damaging the marriage. Is your goal to work on repairing the marriage or to drive her away? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 I know it's not really the point of the OP, but the number of husbands who happen to find secret boxes while cleaning the garage / the attic / the spare room is baffling. To the OP: You can't unsee the photos, you can't undo the past, you can't unhear the lie, that bit is done, so there is not a lot of wriggle room in this situation. You either choose to believe her, accept that you will never fully know what went down and make a conscious effort to move past all of it (including the police investigation on the g string). or you don't - in which case you can start thinking of IC / MC or whatever measure you deem necessary in order for you both to move on from this and from the likely other issues in your marriage. This could actually just be a trigger for something else, or a series of things you have been bottling up / have made you insecure for whatever reason. Staying together and have that eat your couple alive on a daily basis seems like a recipe for disaster : you have just started a dangerous, toxic cycle of resentment - insecurity - paranoia - control that will lead you nowhere good. Eventually, she will stop confiding in you, will start avoiding you altogether and you will both be stuck in an unhealthy cooker pressure environment. This may also involve digging deep within your own conscience - can you be 100% sure that you have been on a level with her in every aspect of your own life? Is there anything you have done that could mitigate this lie? If you have been a stand up guy all the way through, and this situation is making it very difficult for you to trust her again to the point that you can't move on, don't let things fester - get a third party involved, be it a family member or friend to confide in or a therapist. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 . You either choose to believe her, accept that you will never fully know what went down and make a conscious effort to move past all of it (including the police investigation on the g string). Eventually, she will stop confiding in you, will start avoiding you altogether and you will both be stuck in an unhealthy cooker pressure environment. get a third party involved, be it a family member or friend to confide in or a therapist. Police investigation of the g string, lol lbh. She only started to 'confide' in him and not in a pleasant way. So, stop confiding is mute, since he has recently realized that she never had. I am opposed to bringing family or friends into a situation that at the moment has issues to be addressed between the two. Once the cat is out of the bag, people not involved will have opinions and typically never forget. Team is the goal. Marriage counseling is an excellent suggestion. Link to post Share on other sites
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