Author RickRud2019 Posted June 18, 2019 Author Share Posted June 18, 2019 Let's say for the sake of argument that she did not have on a thong. She didn't and the reason that you are focusing on what boils down to a string is for a larger truth. You no longer trust your wife and you suspect that she was free spirited, uninhibited and lustful for another man in a way that she has not shown you. Is that what is really bothering you RickRud? I think the whole thing is bothering me, the deception. like even in the pic she says it is easy to see the g string. but i cant see it. and if its not there is she lying about sleeping with him that day too? What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickRud2019 Posted June 18, 2019 Author Share Posted June 18, 2019 Why are you making her insist on anything? Yes, it's not good that she lied about her virginity, but your response is only further damaging the marriage. Is your goal to work on repairing the marriage or to drive her away? Honestly right now it is to know the truth Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 (edited) So, let’s assume the worst is true. Let’s say she is not wearing a g-string, she is in fact naked and she had sex with that guy on the beach all those years ago. Let’s assume that she lied to you about it - whatever the reason. What does that mean for you? What does it mean for your relationship? What does it mean for the future of your marriage? What is it that bothers you most about it - the “deception” - but why? Why does that bother you so much that you are willing to damage your relationship because you just can’t let it go... Edited June 18, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickRud2019 Posted June 18, 2019 Author Share Posted June 18, 2019 So, let’s assume the worst is true. Let’s say she is not wearing a g-string, she is in fact naked and she had sex with that guy on the beach all those years ago. Let’s assume that she lied to you about it - whatever the reason. What does that mean for you? What does it mean for your relationship? What does it mean for the future of your marriage? What is it that bothers you most about it - the “deception” - but why? Why does that bother you so much that you are willing to damage your relationship because you just can’t let it go... I cant let it go because i dont have the truth and she is still deceiving me. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 I cant let it go because i dont have the truth and she is still deceiving me. Why do you need the truth? This happened years ago. My boyfriend and I haven’t shared everything we did years ago, before we were together. I could care less what he did - I haven’t asked and he hasn’t told. What is it that makes you upset? Why do you feel that you have the right to know what happened on that beach all those years ago, before you were together? Why do you need to know the truth? And, what is your answer - assume the worst, there is no g-string, they had sex, and she lied to you about it. Then what? What does that mean for you and your relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickRud2019 Posted June 18, 2019 Author Share Posted June 18, 2019 Why do you need the truth? This happened years ago. My boyfriend and I haven’t shared everything we did years ago, before we were together. I could care less what he did - I haven’t asked and he hasn’t told. What is it that makes you upset? Why do you feel that you have the right to know what happened on that beach all those years ago, before you were together? Why do you need to know the truth? And, what is your answer - assume the worst, there is no g-string, they had sex, and she lied to you about it. Then what? What does that mean for you and your relationship? i need to know because she was so big about it and clear to me how bad it would be if i wasnt. All that time she was lying and she is still lying now i think. I wish i could like just show the pic and have someone see the g string so that i would know she has told the truth you know? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 (edited) No, I don’t know. What my partner did before our time together is none of my business. I have no right to ask, he has no obligation to tell. I think the question you really need to ask yourself, and answer it honestly, is why does this bother you so much? Does it bother your male ego that she has sex with another man? Does it bother you that she was uninhibited with another man? Do you wish that she was more free spirited and uninhibited with you? Has the trust been broken - if she will lie to you about this, then does she lie to you about other things? What is it that keeps you stuck and prevents you from letting this go... It begs the question, do you want to be proven right or do you want to be happy? If she is otherwise a good, loyal, and loving wife... then, why isn’t that enough? Why would you throw that away for something that happened years ago, before your time? If it bothers you that much, and clearly it does, you should seek counselling. You could try individual counselling, or marriage counselling, to open communication, rebuild trust, and help you to move forward. Otherwise, I don’t know how you are going to deal with this. You are seeking a reassurance that you will not find. You don’t trust her and you are clearly very stuck in your thinking. I hope you get some help. Edited June 18, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Well, clearly, she misrepresented herself to you when you started courting so as not to scare you off. You know, you being so inexperienced and all compared to her. Sadly, this is all too common with many girls these days as our societal breakdown is, among other things, sexualizing young girls much earlier in their lives than is historically the norm. She hid this from you so as not to disqualify herself from your intentions. How do you really feel about this? Can you live with it? Or not? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Interestingly, I lied to my first partner and told him that I had some previous experience, when really I didn’t. He never did learn the truth. How does that lie relate to the lie your girl told - am I to be disbelieved and not trusted in my relationship too? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 I don't understand lying about your past sexual experience. I know a lot of women lie in order to not be seen as slutty; but if you can't tell the truth about who you truly are to a man without judgement then that man isn't for you. Why don't women understand this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Something in her upbringing or past relationship must have made her think she would be judged for not being a virgin, so she kept it secret. I wouldn't judge her too harshly. I would ask her, Who gave you the idea you needed to conceal losing your virginity? Were your parents judgy about it? Are they overly religious? Where did you learn that? Find out if she sincerely held this belief. Maybe it was an ex -bf who was real judgy about it and she thought all men were like that. Find out if there's a reason or if she's just a chronic liar. Consider if she has lied other times through your relationship before just pegging her a chronic liar. If you find she was raised to believe that, forgive her, let her get it out in the open and move on. She probably just had on a bandau type swimsuit that leaves the shoulders bare in those photos. And if not -- hey, young people do stupid things, especially now with internet. Examine her ethics NOW. Don't just flush her over this without getting to the bottom of why and whether she keeps lying. It doesn't matter who she saw before you. The lying matters if it's continued. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 The mind**** of it is that she she was able to maintain the lie for so long. OP will have a hard time reconciling whether she is lying or not in a given instance, and has no reason to think if she is/was lying about other things that she will come clean in time for it to matter. Link to post Share on other sites
michzz Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 While it is annoying to have a lie, even a lie of omission, between spouses. This one rates pretty low on the severity scale. Just a thought, you do realize that in some cultures women get murdered for not being a virgin? Yes, in 2019. And short of that? a lot of social shunning, impact on family relationships if virginity is questioned. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Yes I'm sure OP realizes that but I think they live in the US. No one is going to kill you if you're not a virgin. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickRud2019 Posted June 19, 2019 Author Share Posted June 19, 2019 Something in her upbringing or past relationship must have made her think she would be judged for not being a virgin, so she kept it secret. I wouldn't judge her too harshly. I would ask her, Who gave you the idea you needed to conceal losing your virginity? Were your parents judgy about it? Are they overly religious? Where did you learn that? Find out if she sincerely held this belief. Maybe it was an ex -bf who was real judgy about it and she thought all men were like that. Find out if there's a reason or if she's just a chronic liar. Consider if she has lied other times through your relationship before just pegging her a chronic liar. If you find she was raised to believe that, forgive her, let her get it out in the open and move on. She probably just had on a bandau type swimsuit that leaves the shoulders bare in those photos. And if not -- hey, young people do stupid things, especially now with internet. Examine her ethics NOW. Don't just flush her over this without getting to the bottom of why and whether she keeps lying. It doesn't matter who she saw before you. The lying matters if it's continued. honestly if you saw the photo's i think you would see that she is not in a G and its not implied stuff Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 honestly if you saw the photo's i think you would see that she is not in a G and its not implied stuff Oh my God! Get over the g-string. You're wife lied to you about being a virgin. She lied to you about when and who took those photos. So you already know that for some reason she finds it difficult to be open and honest with you and that's the problem you should be addressing. You don't need to catch her in another lie so stop obsessing over the stupid g-string. I'm beginning to understand why your wife is hesitant to be open with you. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 OP.... are you really just trying to promote some photos...? I'm sure they've gotten a lot of views by now. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 You don't need to catch her in another lie so stop obsessing over the stupid g-string. I'm beginning to understand why your wife is hesitant to be open with you. It's also possible that the previous lie, which is more interesting to all of us, never really happened, and was made up to try and create a backstory for the question about the g-string. It's not that unusual for a forum poster to fudge SOME details of their real story for anonymity purposes. Of course, then you have the problem when your fake story ends up being too interesting and distracting everyone's attention from the question you were trying to ask in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 I'm beginning to understand why your wife is hesitant to be open with you. Agree. I don’t think it matters what she has to say at this point... It won’t be enough to reassure OP. Although why he is upset is still beyond me... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 honestly if you saw the photo's i think you would see that she is not in a G We didn't look for Bin Laden as thoroughly as you're examining these photos - and thankfully, we got him. Is there a statue of limitations or are you going to waste more weeks, months and years on this? Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 That is why you don't lie to people, period. You're right, it doesn't matter what she says to the OP at this point, because she now has no credibility. The word of a liar has no value. My guess is, now that the OP no longer trusts his wife, he is going to start looking into more of what she has told him, and he is going to discover more lies. I’m going to assume that you have never shared a half truth or told a white lie to your partner. 100% honesty, all the time. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 (edited) I’m going to assume that you have never shared a half truth or told a white lie to your partner. 100% honesty, all the time. When I want to know something I don't bother to ask people whom I know tell half truths and white lies. It seems to me OP wants to know if his wife is a person who tells the truth or not. So that if he wants to know something he can ask her and know he'll get the facts. Edited June 19, 2019 by LivingWaterPlease 2 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted June 20, 2019 Share Posted June 20, 2019 The mind**** of it is that she she was able to maintain the lie for so long. I agree with the above but while the lies are on her, the mind**** is on him to sort out. In my own marriage I can't count the lies I was fed, huge and small, than I only discovered drip by drip after marriage. He mostly didn't admit to them, when he did it was either bc he needed something from me or he would end up twisting them to pin them on me or he would play them down like it was normal. The mind**** was so intense I couldn't tell night from day most of the time. I knew I couldn't do anything about the lies but that I could do something about my mental and emotional health. I tried various ways to live with it in the marriage, I confronted honestly about stuff, talked to my very close friends / my family to ensure I was sane and for backup, I ended up leaving him and did therapy for a long time. What I am trying to tell OP with this is that he can only control his own behaviour, not hers. If he can't live with the lie (which is his prerogative) he needs to be proactive. Rehashing this or hoping she'll come clean or forever blaming her is reactive and ultimately counterproductive in the long run. There aren't a lot of options: he can choose to let go completely - this means not bring it up for point scoring or getting into a permanent state of victimhood over this. It literally means letting it go now if the marriage is worth saving overall. Or he can decide that this is too much for him to handle on balance - this means taking steps to distance himself from his wife now. There is no right or wrong decision on this; it's whatever OP can live with in good conscience long term without it affecting his mental stability or his marriage (if it's a good one). It's a process anyway, not a decision made at the drop of a hat. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 20, 2019 Share Posted June 20, 2019 We didn't look for Bin Laden as thoroughly as you're examining these photos - and thankfully, we got him. :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 20, 2019 Share Posted June 20, 2019 We didn't look for Bin Laden as thoroughly as you're examining these photos - and thankfully, we got him. Is there a statue of limitations or are you going to waste more weeks, months and years on this? I agree Elswyth. This is classic! :cool: 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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