Author RickRud2019 Posted July 24, 2019 Author Share Posted July 24, 2019 G-strings are nick-named dental floss - that is how tiny the string is, designed to be invisible, unlike panties. Give her a break. I know i just wish i could see it and know she is now telling the truth I am just struggling with this still. what do i do? Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 If you're still obsessed with a small detail and getting nowhere in over a month? Therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickRud2019 Posted July 24, 2019 Author Share Posted July 24, 2019 (edited) She has opened up a little more. Just not getting the feeling she is fully honest yet Edited September 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 (edited) What would it take to satisfy you? When will you know, with absolute certainty, that you can trust she is being completely honest? Edited September 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 She has opened up a little more. Just not getting the feeling she is fully honest yet You need to quit obsessing. Whether she's in a g-string or butt naked isn't the point. The point is that she lies, and in this case she lied about her ex-bf being the one who took the photo. Previously she lied to you for 10 years about being a virgin. She creates the narrative she wants you to believe and feeds it to you with full intent to deceive as to who she actually is, and does so seemingly without conscience or remorse. You don't know what else she's hiding and lying about. These are substantive and deliberate, not little white ones. This is the problem, not the g-string. You only need to understand whether you're okay being married to a compulsive liar, and if the answer is no, then what to do about it. If yes, then assume she's lying when her mouth is moving, and accept you'll never really know. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickRud2019 Posted July 24, 2019 Author Share Posted July 24, 2019 What would it take to satisfy you? When will you know, with absolute certainty, that you can trust she is being completely honest? Honestly i have asked myself this alot. I think the full truth and all of it, like more detail than usually a partner would know. that way i think i would start to trust i know everything you know? i think the drip feeding of truth is killing me. And the pics like the truth, i dont see anything. And what happened, like i think most people would think what i am thinking about it. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 (edited) And what happened, like i think most people would think what i am thinking about it. Read this thread, most people are not thinking like you. Most people think you are making a big deal out of nothing and most people feel like you will never be satisfied. I doubt that there is anything she can say that will satisfy you - you are always going to keep moving the bar. Besides, you have no right to know more detail than usually a partner would know. She has a right to privacy - and a partner who badgers her constantly to disclose every last detail is crossing the line. Edited September 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 OK, she was completely naked, and they had sex multiple times on the beach... Now what...??? Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickRud2019 Posted July 24, 2019 Author Share Posted July 24, 2019 (edited) @elaine567... At least i would know the truth.She has drip fed me more information about other things, and its like it just keeps coming in little bits. I admit I am struggling with feeling like and idiot and hating that i am like the only one now that has not had multiple partners. I feel like we used to be in the same boat together with that and now she has left me as the only one. Edited September 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 I admit I am struggling with feeling like an idiot and hating that i am like the only one now that has not had multiple partners. I feel like we used to be in the same boat together with that and now she has left me as the only one. ^^^ this is your main problem and perceived inadequacy is often at the heart of retroactive jealousy type issues. Go see a therapist, and talk it all out is my advice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickRud2019 Posted July 24, 2019 Author Share Posted July 24, 2019 (edited) @elaine567.... How would you suggest i deal with this? i cannot go to a therapist, she wont allow it i have asked to. She says i need to deal with it myself Edited September 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 (edited) How would you suggest i deal with this? Why do you have to get permission from your wife to see a therapist. I would think that she should want you to be happy, and healthy. I would hope that she would support whatever is required for that to happen. You are a grown man. Make the appointment and tell her what you have done - you don the need permission. If she has a problem with that - she is controlling, she is not truthful... you have to ask yourself why you would want this woman to be your partner. Just my humble opinion... Truthfully, you need to see a counsellor to deal with your insecurities and to develop your self esteem. You also need to see a marriage counsellor to deal with the issues of trust, communication, and conflict resolution in your relationship. Edited September 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 She won't allow you to? Tell her you're going anyhow. Tell her you need it for your own peace of mind. So now that's two red flags - (1) consistent lying and (2) attempting to prevent you from getting help you believe you need. This is looking less and less like a healthy R to me. Maybe the lies were about stuff that's not that important in the scheme of things, but this is sounding negative. Not "end it now" negative, but not entirely healthy either IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickRud2019 Posted July 24, 2019 Author Share Posted July 24, 2019 (edited) @mark clemson.... I know that's how i feel too. She says she thinks we can solve ourselves and then offers more information. but its just all bit by bit you know. like the minimum she can get away with, even though it is true stuff and could help if she did it all at once Edited September 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 I cannot go to a therapist, she wont allow it i have asked to. Well that shines a light on what's going on. Why would you even ask? Just make an appointment and go. You need a jailbreak. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 Yeah. People are noting your insecurities (quite validly, I think) but it seems like she has some too. My (possibly incorrect) read on the "no therapy" thing, which is pretty controlling IMO, is that she is insecure in that making you healthier and giving you someone to consult with about relationship issues makes you more likely to stand up for yourself within the relationship and evens out the balance of power. Seems like she doesn't want that for some reason. Although I'm not overly big on all the red pill stuff, consider reading up on "beta bucks". Although this stuff doesn't apply to all marriages/relationships it does apply to some and might in your case. IF that's your situation, the good news in my opinion is that there's a decent chance if you become a bit more "alpha" she will actually respect and probably love you more (if she's the type that's into "alpha" men). Do be cautious as you are going to be impacting the apparent status quo of your marriage, e.g. by going to IC against her wishes and possibly in other future actions. You don't want to shake things up too much/too quickly, you just want the M to be healthier/more balanced, with hopefully all the side benefits that may entail. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 I guess, she is just scared that on talking to the therapist, the therapist will uncover inconsistencies in her stories.. She wants to control the narrative, she can't do that if he talks to a therapist. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 So now that's two red flags - (1) consistent lying and (2) attempting to prevent you from getting help you believe you need. Important to note those are both the OP's interpretations of what was said, filtered through his own anxieties. She may have simply said "don't see why you need a therapist", having been confused by his preoccupation with this as much as most of the rest of us... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kitty Tantrum Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 My ex-husband did something similar, and I never understood it. I WAS a virgin when we got together. Most I had ever done was kissed a few boys and one of them managed to briefly get his hand down my pants. I did NOT CARE about his history. But he built up this narrative where I was practically his first EVERYTHING. Lots of factors going into that, I think (a lot of it was that his family is very religious/conservative and he didn't want THEM to find out, and I guess didn't trust me not to tell them?), but it all comes down to adhering to a perceived ideal. It wasn't like I asked him questions that would have made him think that I expected him to be totally chaste - he volunteered all of this stuff to me. I knew something was up the first time we started fooling around and he went to take my bra off and made some offhanded comment about "always having trouble with these" while he was fumbling with the hooks in the back. Okay, so obviously not as innocent as he made himself out to be. I vaguely remember calling him out for it, like "waaait a minute, what do you mean, I thought you'd never gone this far with anyone before?" And I think he made some dumb excuse about doing his mom's laundry or whatever, and I didn't necessarily BELIEVE him, but it wasn't my standards he had lied to appease, so I was pretty willing to let it go. Over the years we were married, he continued to make stupid little comments like that which made me go "wait a minute - I thought I was your first XYZ." And so the actual truth started poking its head out. To this day, I still don't really know the whole truth. The most he ever copped to was doing hand stuff and oral stuff with the girl he dated before me - and still made it sound like it was just one or two isolated instances. Which I'm pretty sure it wasn't. Hindsight being what it is, I'm pretty sure they had sex. I'd be shocked if they didn't. What he did before me never mattered to me. But the fact that he lied about it so easily and readily because he thought that lying would benefit him was a huge problem. And once I realized that he could and would lie SO easily about things that didn't really matter to me - I started to look at some of the things that DID matter to me, and found that the pattern held steady: he was a liar whenever it suited him. We ended up in marriage counseling eventually (which he was also very resistant to), and a WHOLE BUNCH MORE lies were laid bare. And the thing is, it was never the TRUTH that bothered me. It was the fact that he didn't trust me, didn't value me, didn't respect me enough to tell me the truth in the first place - when all I had ever done was give him a safe haven to be himself. I gave him no reason to lie to me. I gave him every reason to be truthful with me. And he never was - until he was put in a position where the consequences of continuing the lie started to look worse than the consequences of telling the truth. OP: I can't say whether that's the case with your wife. Could be that this really is an isolated thing. But I absolutely understand where you're coming from, with all the wondering whether this behavior (lying) has implications for your marriage beyond the scope of what has already been revealed. Is this an isolated incident of her lying because she felt ashamed? Is this one small "tell" of a pattern of dishonesty that is deeply ingrained in her personality? Dunno. But I do think you should get some counseling. Your wife has no right to tell you not to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crispytoast Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 i am looking for the g string to put my mind at ease. I wish i could see it. Do you think she had it on? I think you need to share the pictures with us so we can pass our own judgement Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted July 24, 2019 Share Posted July 24, 2019 Sounds like trickle truth. Usually when people come on here bemoaning that they just found out some difficult truth about their SO from before marriage I tell them to think about what kind of partner the other person has been throughout the marriage. Here unfortunately it seems that your wife is still playing manipulative games & is unwilling to accept her responsibility for the damage done to your marriage because she rocked the core of your trust & she continues to do so by hoarding information. Counseling is the only way to get through this if that is at all possible. She is not presently trustworthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickRud2019 Posted July 25, 2019 Author Share Posted July 25, 2019 I guess, she is just scared that on talking to the therapist, the therapist will uncover inconsistencies in her stories.. She wants to control the narrative, she can't do that if he talks to a therapist. Yeah that's what thought too. thing is she is opening up about more things and they are big things. but its just drip fed you know 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickRud2019 Posted July 25, 2019 Author Share Posted July 25, 2019 (edited) .......OP: I can't say whether that's the case with your wife. Could be that this really is an isolated thing. But I absolutely understand where you're coming from, with all the wondering whether this behavior (lying) has implications for your marriage beyond the scope of what has already been revealed. OMG you have just said everything i am feeling exactly, but just haven't been as eloquent as you. Thanks you so much for voicing my thoughts. Edited September 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author RickRud2019 Posted July 25, 2019 Author Share Posted July 25, 2019 I think you need to share the pictures with us so we can pass our own judgement Ummmm what? Link to post Share on other sites
fromheart Posted July 26, 2019 Share Posted July 26, 2019 The fact that she has been lying is a problem. Your retroactive jealousy is also a problem. She's been lying, your issue is with a video in the head, of her having sex with her ex after he took pictures of her. A key to a relationship is truth, another key is respecting the others privacy, otherwise it becomes ownership. Link to post Share on other sites
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