Gak1023 Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 Hi guys! I’m new here. I’m 43 years old, have been married for 9 years. We have a 7 and a 5 year old. My husband is 54. He has been going out almost every weekend lately with a 30 year old guy who works for him. They drink all night. The other night, he came home after 2 A.M. While He normally hides and sleeps with his phone, I was able to find it early Saturday morning under his pillow as he was still sleeping. I found a text to another guy he’s friend with. The message was sent close to midnight. It was a picture of my husband, his young guy coworker, and 2 young hot girls. The text read,”54 and still hooking up.” Now before I tell you all how I reacted, what he says to me, and what kind of husband/father he is, I want your responses as outsiders. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 My initial reaction? Not good. Whether or not he's actually "hooking up", that message was wildly inappropriate. Most men will argue that that's just how guys are - pfft That may be but it's still high inappropriate in my humble opinion and would definitely raise some red flags if he were my husband. Just my two cents. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 I would tell him he is free to hook up now without constraints, and to pay you child support and alimony. And walk away. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 Doesn't matter what you say about his abilities as a husband or a parent - the fact is that he put his winky before you and your kids. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 I think you want to be in the "infidelity" forum. What do I think about this situation? I think you've got an immature, self-absorbed husband, and you are under no obligation to put up with this. I also think that he is going to minimize whatever he has been doing and try to sell you on the least bad thing he thinks you will believe. Don't buy it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 11, 2019 Share Posted June 11, 2019 I would tell him he is free to hook up now without constraints, and to pay you child support and alimony. And walk away. This is what I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted June 12, 2019 Share Posted June 12, 2019 I would have an issue with him going out with his buddy more time than he was spending at home with his family waaaaay before the pic was discovered. What is going on in your marriage in general? Is the photo just another symptom of the disease? How did you handle your discovery? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 12, 2019 Share Posted June 12, 2019 (edited) He shouldn't be going every single weekend with his buddies. Once in a while is fine. He is acting totally inappropriate if he is hanging with other women while out with his buddies. that's got to stop. when was the last time you two went on a date? Now before I tell you all how I reacted, what he says to me, and what kind of husband/father he is, I want your responses as outsiders. Thanks! How did you react and what did he say to you? He may be a good father and husband but from what you've said about him so far seems that he is far more interested in his own happiness rather than what is best for you and the kids. Part of being a family man IS to give up a certain lifestyle... Does he know this? Edited June 12, 2019 by whichwayisup Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted June 12, 2019 Share Posted June 12, 2019 If you have the financial means, hire a private investigator so you won't have to guess what is going on. That way you won't make yourself crazy trying to decipher truth from fiction. Already the text is inappropriate, but get to the whole truth if you can without letting him know what you are up to. Make your decisions based on your findings and hang onto the evidence! Link to post Share on other sites
Atwood Posted June 12, 2019 Share Posted June 12, 2019 I would tell him he is free to hook up now without constraints, and to pay you child support and alimony. And walk away. ^ This. I would separate immediately. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Adotta Posted June 12, 2019 Share Posted June 12, 2019 20 percent chance he is just ****ing around and making a joke. Sort of a "hey you pretty girls take a picture with us!" Then claim to be hitting that as a joke. The other 80 percent is... that he is actually cheating. Without more information I can't be sure, but it doesn't look good. Try to get into his phone. I'm sure if him and his buddies are hunting as a pack there will be plenty of talk over texts bragging to eachother. If you think he deleted messages... which he probably did, use a recovery program. Fonelab comes highly recommended. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted June 12, 2019 Share Posted June 12, 2019 Starswillshine's response was dead on. It's highly inappropriate for a 54 year old man with a wife and children at home to be going out every weekend and getting drunk with anyone, much less a young guy who is bound to be looking for women. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted June 12, 2019 Share Posted June 12, 2019 It was obvious he cheats on you as soon as you said he usually hides his phone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 He has been going out almost every weekend lately with a 30 year old guy who works for him. Men with young kids who are connected to their marriage and family are, with very few exceptions, home having dinner, helping bathe and reading bedtime stories. They're not bar-hopping with single guys 20 years younger. Why did it take an incriminating picture before this became a problem? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 I'm in the camp that would give him his walking papers. To me, whether or not he's cheating (and I'd believe he is) the fact that he's out with his young buddy a lot drinking and carousing is not good at all. He should be home with you and the kids. And if he's not cheating, just bragging to his buddies that he is, that, too, is pretty gross. Ugh. I wouldn't put up with it. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 use a listening device, get 100% proof, so do nothing hasty, for divorce laws can be quirky Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 You are 11 years younger, he likes younger women. Now you are 40+ and are are a mother with kids, he is bored and is out there looking for another younger hottie, your replacement. We can "blame" the 30yo coworker for leading him astray, but happy 50+yo fathers are not out drinking and clubbing almost every weekend. He was looking for "a partner in crime" and has found it in his coworker. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 I'm not so sure he is actually cheating - but he is in the 'stage' right before he does if he hasn't already. I've seen it way too many times. It starts innocently drinking with friends, then a little flirting, then more flirting, then someone actually calls their bluff and they end up cheating. Men and women do it. They swear it is all innocent fun - until it isn't. If you don't give him his walking papers the very least you should do is tell him he is messing up and about to lose his family / lifestyle over partying with a bunch of people too young for him. HE is to blame - not who he is hanging with. Honestly, he is acting like an idiot. Tell him that in just those words. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted June 13, 2019 Share Posted June 13, 2019 Hi Guys ‘My husband is 54’. Age is no barrier. He has been going out almost every weekend lately with a 30 year old guy who works for him. They drink all night. Sounds like he is trying to relive his younger days, drinking with his buddy. I was able to find it early Saturday morning under his pillow as he was still sleeping. I found a text to another guy he’s friend with. The message was sent close to midnight. It was a picture of my husband, his young guy coworker, and 2 young hot girls. The text read,”54 and still hooking up.” Again sounds like he is insecure with age and again needs to show all he is still a player. Now before I tell you all how I reacted, what he says to me, and what kind of husband/father he is, I want your responses as outsiders. Thanks! More info is required to assist with the infidelity question. But I feel your husband is trying to remain a 30 year old. What is the communication like at home? Can and do you talk freely about all issues. Need to talk now! Before more damage is done. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 Agreeing with much of what's been said above. I think you're perfectly justified, as a spouse, to insist that your needs (for emotional safety, help with the kids) be met. It may feel weird to lay down some rules and expectations for an adult, but I think you're at a point where you NEED to do exactly that. It's a fine line between reeling back him in (and hopefully preventing any further shenanigans, or worse) and driving him away by being too restrictive. So, you'd need to be cautious in how you approach it; but from reading your post IMO laying down some rules/guidelines is something to very strongly consider. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 (edited) You're in serious trouble. Put aside the girls, drinking, and late nights because the real story is his telephone. A grown man committed to a wife and family doesn't hide his phone by sleeping with it. (They also don't party like a frat boy sans their family... but, I digress.) This is what cheaters do: they sleep with their phone in their hand under the pillow, or under the mattress. They take it into the shower with them and lock the door. They turn it off in your presence, silence it or turn it face down when you enter the room. Their stupid enough to think this behavior doesn't stand out. There is no greater indicator of cheating (or trying to cheat) than a person who handles their phone like it held the nation's nuclear launch codes. How bad or how far has he gone with it - not clear. But, that phone behavior means he's already cleared the cloverleaf and is barreling down the cheater's expressway. Edited June 14, 2019 by Turning point 4 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 Hi guys! I’m new here. ... Now before I tell you all how I reacted, what he says to me, and what kind of husband/father he is, I want your responses as outsiders. Thanks! Hi Original Poster, it seems like plenty of us have chimed in. What transpired and/or how are things going now? Link to post Share on other sites
ChatroomHero Posted June 14, 2019 Share Posted June 14, 2019 I'd say there's a good chance he is not actually cheating, rather just being a POS. A guy in that situation, frankly you just don't do that. Normally I would say cheating is fairly black and white, but in this case I would say he very likely may not be cheating but doing that is almost as bad, but in the very least, it's just as inappropriate as cheating. If I were you, whether anything happened or not I would feel like he cheated. It might be one thing to have a picture or talk with a group of women out with friends, but that's as far as it goes. The comment he made was really sleazy. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted June 15, 2019 Share Posted June 15, 2019 (edited) use a listening device, get 100% proof, so do nothing hasty, for divorce laws can be quirky With the benefit of hindsight I would advise against this. It's a distraction from what really matters. Study his behavior with respect to yourself because, that is what will inform any choices you make. The whole detective thing is just a way torture yourself with details that ultimately are completely useless. It will not make you healthier, happier, nor will it advantage you legally or morally. For example, if he's not coming home, not present in your marriage, behaving like an ass, or managing some secret life on the side - does it matter why? For the marriage/family to work he has to at least SHOW UP and if that is the real problem then knowing where he goes, who he's with, or what he's doing is of no value. It doesn't solve the issue and it doesn't heal your pain. If the real issue is that your partner is UNAVAILABLE then his reasons for leaving may not matter at all. You do you, and just look more closely at whether he doing him is of any value. Edited June 15, 2019 by Turning point Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 15, 2019 Share Posted June 15, 2019 For example, if he's not coming home, not present in your marriage, behaving like an ass, or managing some secret life on the side - does it matter why? For the marriage/family to work he has to at least SHOW UP and if that is the real problem then knowing where he goes, who he's with, or what he's doing is of no value. It doesn't solve the issue and it doesn't heal your pain. I get that, and it is a completely logical stance, but most need a dealbreaker of some sort to finally pull the plug. They are often really looking for something to fix, but if fixing is hopeless due to hard and fast evidence of cheating, then they can feel justified in leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
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