Jealousy/curiosity over boyfriend's exes

[Iris The Butterfly]

I know this is a little strange... wondered if anyone else experienced this, or how to stop these feelings of jealousy.

 

Been dating my bf for almost 8 months and we have a great relationship. He's older than me so he's had a lot of dating experience, and a couple very long term relationships. He lived with two long term girlfriends. I've also had long term relationships and lived with two boyfriends.

 

Lately I'm finding myself comparing myself to these women I've never met. Finding myself jealous of the time they spent with him, living together, being together, the things they did together. These women are no longer in his life at all and I'll never meet them. There's no specific reason I should feel jealous, maybe that they were on a deeper level of intimacy with him than I am as far as living together, family, etc. I haven't met my bf's parents yet as they live across the country. We've never taken a vacation together although we have talked about it. When he talks about how he went to xyz every year with his ex, or taking her to his family vacation, or grocery shopping together when they lived together, I can't help but feel jealous because I want to do that with him too. Maybe in a way I want some kind of benchmark to know that he feels differently about me and our future will be different than how it turned out for them. Not sure why I give a damn about women in his past. Maybe because he loved them and their relationship was at a more serious level than ours is at this point.

 

Recently he asked me to come up with some ideas for a Halloween costume we could wear as a couple. I came up with an idea that I thought was brilliant, and when I told him he says he's done it before :/

 

I find myself creeping one of these girls on social media, and she's not that special, but she's still in the same city and single. I also find myself googling and searching for info about his very long term ex. He ended both of these relationships years ago. Everyone has moved on. Why am I hung up on this?

He's a grown man, of course he has a past and so do I. I don't vocalize any of this to him by the way and wouldn't.

 

On another note, my most recent long term ex lives across the country but when I first started dating my bf now he knew that we were still friends and kept in touch sometimes. He expressed his own jealousy about that and said he didn't like it that I was still in contact with my ex. I stopped. He said he felt really strongly about keeping in touch with exes, he doesn't do that. So, he doesn't even talk to these women. There's no justifiable reason I would be jealous of his ex girlfriends.

[d0nnivain]

I've been married to my husband for over 10 years but I have never seen a photo of his most serious EX. I'm dying to know what she looks like but probably never will.

 

Curiosity I get

 

You are going a step further into retroactive jealously. Try to remember he is with you now. If these other women we so great he'd still be with them. He's not. You won.

[Iris The Butterfly]

I've been poring the internet trying to find a dang picture of the woman he dated for years, lived with, loved, etc. but I can't find her anywhere!! Nothing. Surely he has photos somewhere but I've never had the opportunity to even see them.

 

Not sure why the retroactive jealousy all of a sudden. I'm guessing because I want to share the things she/they did with him and I haven't yet, if that makes sense.

Edited June 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[basil67]

"Haven't yet" being the operative words. If you stay together, you will create new memories with him. Things he's never done before. Or if he has been there before, it will be different because he's with you.

[Iris The Butterfly]

Thank you, that's a good way to look at it. Lately I've been finding myself getting 'jealous' about the time he spent with her, the vacations, that she lived with him, she got to meet his parents, she dressed up as the couple I suggested for Halloween. I want to do those things too, that's why the sudden jealousy. 'She' had what I want.

 

Of course we will have new memories and things will be different.

Also I think sometimes the curiosity stems from wanting to know if she's prettier, more 'together', etc than we are. It's a feeling of insecurity and comparison. We want to find out that the woman he used to love wasn't beautiful or special, or had some flaw to make ourselves feel better about ourselves.

Edited June 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[d0nnivain]

the curiosity stems from wanting to know if she's prettier, more 'together', etc than we are. It's a feeling of insecurity and comparison. .

 

You can't think that way. You have to reframe it. If she was all that, they'd still be together. Even if she dumped him, she was dumb enough to dump a great guy.

 

Remember he's with you.

 

If you obsess, he will leave you because you are going to make yourself crazy & unattractive

[Iris The Butterfly]

I won't say any of this out loud to him, ever! I'm really careful about keeping my insecurities tucked away. Just venting to strangers on the internet instead of letting someone who actually knows me know I even think about this stuff

[basil67]

Also I think sometimes the curiosity stems from wanting to know if she's prettier, more 'together', etc than we are. It's a feeling of insecurity and comparison. We want to find out that the woman he used to love wasn't beautiful or special, or had some flaw to make ourselves feel better about ourselves.

 

What if she was prettier? Pretty doesn't define what makes a compatible partner. He's with you now, and for quite some time so far....so you've obviously got something going for you.

 

Yes, the exes had flaws. So do you, do does your boyfriend and so do I. Flawlessness only exists in mechanical production. Something born to the world is unique and will by it's own nature have a range of attributes. Look at a rose - it's flowers may win prizes, but the thorns keep you from touching the bush. The gorgeous fluffy puppy may love you to death but tear up your furniture.

[Lotsgoingon]

You've got to focus on your relationship with your man now. Sometimes people feel what you feel because there is something missing in their current relationship but something they are too afraid to face or can't identify. (Because really, a good relationship now ... should zap out all your worries about his past lovers.)

 

So make sure there's not something missing. I assume he's not looking at other women and all of that, not withholding praise from you and so on.

 

Ideally you would want to know, really KNOW and feel, that you right now are giving him what he wants in a partner and that he feels great with you. We need to hear that at some point. Some need to hear this more than others.

 

On the other hand, that something that might be missing could simply be your confidence and your understanding of relationships and of your relationship with your bf. Your brain might be stuck in generic mode ... Ex 1 was this ... Ex 2 had that ... I bet he had so much more fun with them than he is with me ... We can get out brains stuck on that comparison channel.

 

The way to get our mind off that channel is to understand what your strengths are, what your bf likes about you ... what being with you gives him ... and ... what you like and value about yourself. And how this all fits into who he is and where he is right now. And remember, standard beauty and hotness can be deceptive. Sure, beauty is powerfully enticing ... but it's also fleeting ... ever changing ... and beauty does not cover for other weaknesses.

 

In fact, sometimes hotness and beauty only highlight a person's weaknesses. Bring a hot woman to a family gathering or a gathering of friends ... and she's not social, not warm ... your friends will talk s@it about the woman precisely because she's beautiful ... they will impute more negativity to the woman than if she were less "beautiful."

 

So perhaps one of his exes ... or several ... were quite hot in the day. Doesn't mean that his time with them was satisfying or fun. Behind every breakup is a lot of pain and disappointment. The possible beauty and hotness of his exes does NOT mean they were warm or nurturing or intellectually stimulating or inspiring or anything else.

 

Doesn't mean they were enjoyable to spend a day with hanging out with. Doesn't mean they treated other people in ways that he respected. Doesn't even mean sex with them was powerful. I swear ... I had the most uninspiring sex with two of the prettiest women I dated. Liking their faces ... didn't mean there was some deeper chemistry involved in sex and love making. And frankly, I think the longer you spend with someone who's really beautiful, the less you are impressed by such beauty.

 

Focus your energy and maybe get a little curious. You should be able to feel the very specific way and clear way he values you when you are having sex/making love with him--and during other times. But that requires you to quit seeing him as generic male ... and the exes as generic women ... and instead come to be curious about where he is and who he is as a quirky individual with a series of unique experiences RIGHT NOW ... and then think about why you're a great fit based on the person he is now.

 

Listen carefully when he tells you why he likes you ... Really pay attention. Listen for his story and his journey and the changes he's made over time, the changes in how he sees people and the world over time. You'll hear why he's with you. He's not doing charity work with you. I doubt he's getting a tax credit.

[elaine567]

 

Recently he asked me to come up with some ideas for a Halloween costume we could wear as a couple. I came up with an idea that I thought was brilliant, and when I told him he says he's done it before :/ .

 

Was not that a bit mean of him? Was this about a Halloween party with his friends, if not then who cares if he had done it before?

 

When he talks about how he went to xyz every year with his ex, or taking her to his family vacation, or grocery shopping together when they lived together

Why is he doing this? I know we all have a past, but as he is now with you maybe he just needs to shut up about his ex, lest we all get the impression he is not really over her...

[Iris The Butterfly]

The way to get our mind off that channel is to understand what your strengths are, what your bf likes about you ... what being with you gives him ... and ... what you like and value about yourself. And how this all fits into who he is and where he is right now. And remember, standard beauty and hotness can be deceptive. Sure, beauty is powerfully enticing ... but it's also fleeting ... ever changing ... and beauty does not cover for other weaknesses.

 

Focus your energy and maybe get a little curious. You should be able to feel the very specific way and clear way he values you when you are having sex/making love with him--and during other times. But that requires you to quit seeing him as generic male ... and the exes as generic women ... and instead come to be curious about where he is and who he is as a quirky individual with a series of unique experiences RIGHT NOW ... and then think about why you're a great fit based on the person he is now.

 

Listen carefully when he tells you why he likes you ... Really pay attention. Listen for his story and his journey and the changes he's made over time, the changes in how he sees people and the world over time. You'll hear why he's with you. He's not doing charity work with you. I doubt he's getting a tax credit.

 

Thank you! No, he's not getting a tax credit. It's nothing specific he's doing or not doing that would make me feel this way. I've experienced this same feeling with previous boyfriends. Curiosity mainly and definitely some insecurity. When I mentioned beauty, I didn't mean to highlight it, I am well aware 'beauty' is completely meaningless. It's not about that at all. I don't care if his exes were considered hot or beautiful. He must've thought they were. Same way I thought my exes were attractive. Doesn't mean I want them anymore. He tells me he thinks I'm so beautiful all the time. That's what matters. He doesn't hold back in the compliments department and makes me feel like a jewel.

 

I know I make him feel great, and he loves to be with me and wants to have a future together, maybe more vocalization would make me feel more at ease. Maybe the fact that we don't spend as much time as I would like makes me feel insecure sometimes. If I had my way it would be more than half the week at this point, but he's ok with half the week still. He likes much more alone time than I do. I think about the two women he lived with, they got to be with him 24/7. Maybe that's where some 'jealousy' lies. I want to be with him all the time and don't have that and they did. Makes me curious what made them so great that he wanted to be with them 24/7 and not with me (yet)? I have zero doubt he is in love with me and adores me, but maybe I need more reassurance sometimes.

 

For example I mentioned him referring (in passing) to when he lived with his ex they used to go grocery shopping all the time. He never ever wants to go grocery shopping with me and we don't live together or even talk about it. So I'm thinking... why did she/they get to do those things and I don't? Or in the example of the Halloween costume... oh, my great idea I came up with.. he's already done it with her, she stole my thunder, I wish it would've been me.

 

These things are petty but I just noticed that I've been focusing too much lately on the exes. Now that we're getting in deep and things are more serious, I think a lot more about his past and what brought him to this point with me.

Edited June 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Lotsgoingon]

 

I know I make him feel great, and he loves to be with me and wants to have a future together, maybe more vocalization would make me feel more at ease. Maybe the fact that we don't spend as much time as I would like makes me feel insecure sometimes. If I had my way it would be more than half the week at this point, but he's ok with half the week still. He likes much more alone time than I do. I think about the two women he lived with, they got to be with him 24/7. Maybe that's where some 'jealousy' lies. I want to be with him all the time and don't have that and they did. Makes me curious what made them so great that he wanted to be with them 24/7 and not with me (yet)? I have zero doubt he is in love with me and adores me, but maybe I need more reassurance sometimes.

 

OK, your jealousy misses the point. He's NOT with them anymore, so clearly living with them was NOT good ... and in fact must have been horrible ... as he doesn't even want to go grocery shopping together with you because of his experience with his exes.

 

That's not a sign they were special. That's a sign that something really painful happened with these women. He's reacting as if this pain was dang near traumatic. I would possibly recommend you learn the real story of one of those relationships ... pain and all ... but I'm afraid your brain will find a way (many of us have brains like this) to put yourself down.

 

I can see where the living together thing would trip you up ... trigger some insecurities ... I think you'd feel less insecure ... more secure ... if you heard the real stories about those relationships ... but that's not for everyone. I can hear previous stories and I'm fine. Probably most people can't.

 

So perhaps ask him ... one day ... about his pain in one of those relationships ... such that he doesn't want to live together ... and his pain such that even shopping together triggers something in him.

 

And don't dismiss that feeling of wanting more time ... though half a week is a lot of time. Frankly, I'd be happy with half a week ... any more than that ... and I'd say it's time for marriage.

 

Your bf has apparently been BURNED, hurt, multiple times living with someone. Make sure your brain doesn't focus on the one moment at the start of those relationships when he looked forward to living with his exes. That moment is gone! ... replaced by memories of pain apparently.

 

Any chance the question you would do well to ask would be: is this guy healed enough to have the kind of relationship you want? Sounds like he's still carrying around a lot of pain and fear. Something went seriously wrong with those exes ... Keep your focus there!

 

His pain from those relationships (not his willingness to live with them at the naive start) is the issue that may be interfering with your relationship with him.

 

So you see the irony here. You surely don't want to be jealous of relationships that traumatized the brother. Can you see that?

Edited June 12, 2019 by Lotsgoingon

[Iris The Butterfly]

Lotsgoingon-

No, I'm not getting the vibe at all that he doesn't want to live together or go grocery shopping because it was such a painful and traumatic experience with his exes. He has never said he doesn't want to live together. We've never discussed it at all. It's not as if I'm asking to live together and he doesn't want to. As far as the grocery shopping- it's not like he says, "no, we can't do THAT!!" He just prefers to do it solo I guess. I truly don't believe his past isn't preventing him from being in a healthy relationship with me. In fact, I think it's MY fear and past trauma from the last ex I lived with (who was abusive and stalked me for years after I left him) that has caused ME the fears and insecurities and pain that I carried through my following relationships. My bf now knows a little about that, but that was 7 years or so ago and I've been through the worst of it. In fact, I am more hesitant to live with someone again because of what I went through with MY ex.

 

Recently, my curiosity had got the better of me and I did ask him some pointed questions about his long term exes. I learned a lot. I mostly just listened and he continued to talk. Very insightful. From what I gathered the first long term one was his most significant long relationship, she ended up cheating on him so that's why it ended. They were together for many years though, apparently they both knew it wasn't the right fit but stayed together anyway. I don't understand how you could spend years with someone if you felt that way, but apparently it was more a relationship of convenience at the end of it. Last most serious gf (several years ago) sounded like a complete hot mess. I was surprised to hear that he would be with someone like that. He ended it. She was the last serious gf he had, and that was a couple years ago that it ended. He's dated short term since then, before he met me. He described things about her that embarrassed him in front of his family or in public, (she developed a drug addiction after they started dating) and she was in and out of work, irresponsible, etc. It really surprised me to hear that he would be with someone like that because he's so responsible and has a great career and is stable and pretty 'straight'. THAT made me feel better, I'm very responsible, stable, good career also. Nothing to be jealous about her, just curious. At least I know she makes me look like Miss America.

 

As far as the time together, half a week is good, at this point I want more, the exes had that since they lived with him (reminder he has never said he doesn't want to live together because that conversation isn't even on the table), I guess I'm just wanting more, maybe on to the next level. It seems like our lives are still pretty independent, separate in many ways. Maybe I'm feeling this way because I want to be more a part of his every day life like they were. We communicate every day, see each other half the week like I said, spend the night one to three times a week. I think I'm just feeling ready to take things to the next level. And maybe the retroactive jealousy is stemming from that. Like, 'she got to spend every day with him, she got to be a part of his every day, every night...' and I want that too.

 

Yes, those relationships are over and he's with me now. Of course things are different and can't compare. Honestly I think my own fears and trauma from my past has been more of a roadblock for my relationships when I get close to someone. Until now. I've been internalizing it and I suppose that's where these feelings are coming from.

[primer]

Make sure it is retroactive jealousy and not triangulation.

 

 

I used to have what I thought was retroactive jealousy BAD. Come to find out, he was triangulating me with his exes. He would tell me everything he did for them and they did not appreciate it. He bought them cars, paid off credit cards, took out life insurance with the girlfriend as beneficiary, etc. It would make me wonder because he didn't do anything for me.

 

 

Of course, he treated them so well and they cheated on him so the relationship ended (his story).

[Iris The Butterfly]

Primer-no, it's nothing like that. He never compares me to them. Doesn't bring them up. I only know the very little that I do about them because I have asked, he's given me small insights. Nothing toxic going on.

[Lotsgoingon]

Lotsgoingon-

... He has never said he doesn't want to live together. We've never discussed it at all. It's not as if I'm asking to live together and he doesn't want to. As far as the grocery shopping- it's not like he says, "no, we can't do THAT!!" He just prefers to do it solo I guess.

 

... As far as the time together, half a week is good, at this point I want more, the exes had that since they lived with him (reminder he has never said he doesn't want to live together because that conversation isn't even on the table), I guess I'm just wanting more, maybe on to the next level. It seems like our lives are still pretty independent, separate in many ways. Maybe I'm feeling this way because I want to be more a part of his every day life like they were. We communicate every day, see each other half the week like I said, spend the night one to three times a week. I think I'm just feeling ready to take things to the next level. And maybe the retroactive jealousy is stemming from that. Like, 'she got to spend every day with him, she got to be a part of his every day, every night...' and I want that too.

 

Yes, those relationships are over and he's with me now. Of course things are different and can't compare. Honestly I think my own fears and trauma from my past has been more of a roadblock for my relationships when I get close to someone. Until now. I've been internalizing it and I suppose that's where these feelings are coming from.

 

I don't know littlebridge ... here is the crazy revelation of my middle age. If someone is feeling insecure ... 90 percent of the time, they have reason to feel insecure ... Time after time, friend after friend who felt insecure ... former exes of mine who were insecure ... me when I was feeling insecure ... looking back ... almost in every instance the people had reason to be insecure.

 

Sometimes people with insecurities just have better and more powerful radar for picking up gaps and distance in a relationship. I had an ex that was abused as a child ... incredibly needy and insecure. She picked up the slightest change in my mood ... I labeled her as needy, dismissed her complaints and concerns ... And then we broke up I dated someone else I was fully passionate about ... in a way far beyond what I felt for my ex.

 

So my ex was troubled ... deeply insecure ... and totally on the money about how ambivalent I was about her, even when she was doing well. And ... the new woman I was passionate about ... treated me ... like I treated my ex. Nothing flagrantly bad ... really kind in a lot of ways ... we went out ... but ... there was always something not quite there ... She later dumps me and says she had been ambivalent all along!

 

I would say the main problem with feeling insecure is when the insecure person becomes controlling and seeks to limit their partner's life in crazy ways. But 99 percent of the time (I said 90 before, but really it's 99 percent) the people complaining of feeling distant ... are on to something real.

 

The problem a person in your position has ... is that what's bugging you is likely to be very subtle. So if you explained your feelings to friends over dinner, they will say, "Oh you're over-reacting. Things are fine." My ex tried to explain her feelings to friends, they dismissed her. I tried to explain some of my feelings about the woman I was passionate about, friends told me I was being too picky.

 

The way I see it ... a good relationship is one that makes each partner feel really secure. Some people can feel really secure with one kind of relationship. Others need a closer relationship to feel secure. If you're not feeling secure, the relationship isn't working for you. A great partner knows your insecurities and then soothes you about them.

 

You may also be falling victim to the living together fallacy, also known as the marriage fallacy. Living together does NOT improve a relationship. Neither does marriage. What you're unhappy with now ... you'll be unhappy with to a greater degree if you moved in with bf.

 

How, you're probably asking, can it be possible that living together isn't better, more intimate, closer? Well, because a couple can be under the same roof ... and one partner will emotionally distance himself/herself from the other.

 

If the intimacy level and closeness of the couple was at a 6/10 (with 10 being extremely close) ... before moving in ... moving in you would see the intimacy level at best ... at best! ... be at 6/10 ... but more likely will go down to something like 5/10 or 4/10 ... because the person who wanted the distance when living apart ... will feel the need for great emotional distance when living together.

 

There are many ways to withdraw and be distant--with a partner 5 feet away. I can come home and be quiet. I can come home and turn on the tv ... I can come home and not really want to physically touch my partner for a while. I can come home and go online ...

 

Heck I can be at the dinner table with candles going ... and still talk about distant stuff ... work .. .nothing really personal ... So I don't think you're locked into trauma from the past. I think you're feeling that in some way--very subtle but real--he's keeping you at arm's distance. You think living together will resolve it. I say you have to resolve that issue now.

 

(BTW: love "talking to you.") ... So here's my little red flag. The fact that you want to live together but you two haven't had such discussions. Why not? Are you afraid of his reaction? If so, that's a problem, a sign of real distance.

 

You afraid he will say no and you'll be hurt? ... That's a problem. Something is off if you feel too afraid to have his conversation--assuming living together is what you want. When you can talk about and ask for whatever you want with complete calm and confidence and security, THEN you are perhaps are ready to live together.

 

Fear of even having the conversation--failure to have the conversation--is likely what's at the bottom of your comparison with he exes he lived with. And let's say your fear is genuine ... that he will react poorly to you bringing up the topic of moving in ... then you guys simply are not a good fit for a couple. Might as well face that now, before you get deeper in.

 

If your trauma from the past was the problem, you would be withdrawing, you would be making unreasonable and persistent demands ... you would act out and lash out on him. Perhaps your past experiences with exes ... undermined some of your confidence so now you're afraid to ask for what you want, afraid to even have a discussion about your future and what you want. OK, I can see that.

 

My bet: though you haven't had the discussion about living together, you've probably picked up signals of bf's lack of interest. And again, pay attention to little matters. That time he dismissed your Holloween idea ... did he acknowledge your idea? ... did you at least comfort you when he said he was no longer interested?

 

I can be sick of doing something ... but if my partner is really excited about it, I owe her a nurturing response and usually I would propose an alternative. I'd explain clearly why I don't want to do x. Affirm that it's nothing against her (have to SAY THAT!) ... and I'd propose an alternative ... I would want her to feel valued and heck I would want a partner to keep sharing playful ideas they are passionate about ... and I want to do the same.

 

Anyway, love your openness and honesty and clear thinking. I think you're being tough on yourself.

[lana-banana]

At eight months between two mature adults it seems like it's not unreasonable to talk about living together. Why not bring it up? I don't mean you have to demand a timeline or anything, but surely there's plenty of opportunity for it to come up in casual conversation.

[Iris The Butterfly]

I think you're feeling that in some way--very subtle but real--he's keeping you at arm's distance. You think living together will resolve it. I say you have to resolve that issue now.

Yes, you nailed it as far as in the arm's distance part, somewhat. I don't necessarily think that living together will resolve anything. I'm just saying.... in the past month or so, I have been imagining what it would be like to live with him. I'm not saying I've asked to move in and he said no. The ONLY discussion we've ever had about living together is HIM saying, "I remember you specifically told me you wouldn't live with a man again unless you were married or getting married." HE asked ME what MY plans were when my lease is up in October. He didn't ask me to move in, he just wondered. This was months ago. I just said, maybe I'll stay where I'm at, I'm only obligated to 30 days notice after October. My stance on living together is: I don't want to live with another man again unless he's going to be my husband. And he knows that. So, my daydreaming of living together is a moot point at this point in time. Seeing that he knows how I feel about that, there wouldn't be much discussion in living together unless we were planning to get married, or unless he brought it up himself. Neither one is happening, so right now, it's off the table.

 

One thing I notice is that he's much more of a private person and introvert than I am. Seems very satisfied living alone whereas this is only the second year of my life that I have and I don't like it at all. The degree of separation I'm feeling has nothing to do with how he feels about me. I am 10000% secure in knowing how he feels about me. He adores me. The amount of time together is where I'm feeling the disconnect. He's satisfied with half the week, at almost 8 months of dating exclusively... I'd like more time. However, I see couples who are inseparable and I don't think that's healthy either. I'm just more of a people person and he isn't.

 

(BTW: love "talking to you.") ... So here's my little red flag. The fact that you want to live together but you two haven't had such discussions. Why not? Are you afraid of his reaction? If so, that's a problem, a sign of real distance.You afraid he will say no and you'll be hurt? ... That's a problem. Something is off if you feel too afraid to have his conversation--assuming living together is what you want.

I think at this point in our relationship.... yes, I would feel easy bringing it up. I've never asked HIS opinion on living together. He knows my opinion. He and I both have lived with two long term exes. I definitely feel like at this point I can ask him 'so, what's your opinion on living together (in general)?' I'm not afraid of his reaction at all. I'm also not afraid to tell him I could imagine it with him. One thing I've picked up on recently though... is that there is much more melding together of the day to day stuff lately. For example, I gave him a copy of my key last week and he took care of my cat while I was out of town for a few days. He didn't keep the keys, but he had the access and I'll be giving him the keys again for the next time. Last night I spent the night at his place and he mentioned he had been meaning to pick up some new toothbrushes for 'us', or he'll say that he picked up something for the house that he knows I like. I keep things at his place now and vice versa. I noticed today he had my jewelry I left weeks ago put away in a special little dish. Little things like that.... I think show increased intimacy and that is progression. When you first start dating you don't do that but in time those little acts bridge the gap. Little rituals we have together where we didn't before too.

 

Fear of even having the conversation--failure to have the conversation--is likely what's at the bottom of your comparison with he exes he lived with. And let's say your fear is genuine ... that he will react poorly to you bringing up the topic of moving in ... then you guys simply are not a good fit for a couple. Might as well face that now, before you get deeper in.

There's no fear of having the conversation... but like I already said maybe a moot point at this juncture. So failure to have the conversation at all, yes, maybe the root of the comparison with the exes he lived with. Like you said, he's not getting a tax credit or dating me out of charity. I'm very secure in how he feels about me. I think what it is that I want that every day, every night with him at this point. We both miss each other terribly if we go a day without seeing each other, we miss each other the moment we say goodbye often. I was out of town for 3 days and we couldn't wait to see each other.

 

I think considering my stance on living together, it would be moot to bring up the conversation. The only thing I can think of would make sense is ask him how HE feels about living together with someone again, since it's been awhile for him too. If he were to say, "nah, I don't want to live with anyone again- at all" (which he wouldn't say), of course I would end the relationship. He told me before we even met he was looking for long term, marriage, kids, etc. Living together would be part of that whole package.

 

If your trauma from the past was the problem, you would be withdrawing, you would be making unreasonable and persistent demands ... you would act out and lash out on him. Perhaps your past experiences with exes ... undermined some of your confidence so now you're afraid to ask for what you want, afraid to even have a discussion about your future and what you want. OK, I can see that.

I'm not making any demands at all and am not acting out. One thing about . my past I will acknowledge is that it has caused me to be very cautious, and if anything I am more at fault of wanting to keep a safe emotional distance. Hard for me to be vulnerable.

 

My bet: though you haven't had the discussion about living together, you've probably picked up signals of bf's lack of interest. And again, pay attention to little matters. That time he dismissed your Holloween idea ... did he acknowledge your idea? ... did you at least comfort you when he said he was no longer interested?

Yes, I would say he has never expressed a verbal desire for us to live together. Then again, neither have I. It doesn't mean I don't think about it, it doesn't mean I wouldn't like to.

The Halloween comment was over text as kind of an afterthought... I didn't take him as dismissing my suggestion. When I bring it up again....I don't have a problem saying, 'I really thought that was a good costume, maybe we can still do that even though you've done it before. It will be different this time.' I'm not feeling hurt or that he dismissed my suggestion. Just that it kind of sent a pang of sadness that he had already experienced it before with someone else, I guess. I thought it was a new idea, turns out he had been there, done that.

[Iris The Butterfly]

At eight months between two mature adults it seems like it's not unreasonable to talk about living together. Why not bring it up? I don't mean you have to demand a timeline or anything, but surely there's plenty of opportunity for it to come up in casual conversation.

 

I agree with you Lana. Yes there's been opportunity and more to come.

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm thoroughly confused: you apparently are quite happy with the relationship. OK, I got things upside-down and inside-out.

 

I wish you all the luck in the world with this relationship.

[Iris The Butterfly]

Yes, I am so happy I get caught up in feeling jealous of all the time his exes got to spend with him when they lived together!! I think that what it boils down to is that I'm in love with him and I want to spend as much time as possible

 

What I mentioned earlier about him being satisfied with half the week, more introverted, can be antisocial (including with me) at times... I'm the more 'needy' partner, and I'm doing my best to keep that balance, although it's very hard as time goes on.

[Blip86]

Hey I'm a bit confused with the thread - you say you don't want to live together since you are not married or planning that, but then you are jealous of his exes he lived with also without being married.

 

So if he offers you to move in together as of now, would you accept or would it be no option since you are not planning to get engaged?

[Els]

I'm the more 'needy' partner, and I'm doing my best to keep that balance, although it's very hard as time goes on.

 

 

Do you think this could be the root of the problem and the ex jealousy/curiosity is just a symptom?

 

 

H had an ex-girlfriend of several years. I've seen her because we were all in the same college previously, although I've never talked to her in person. I know why he broke up with her. (All the things that you said you wanted to know about your bf's ex.) Yet none of that affects our relationship in any way, really. The knowledge was essentially irrelevant.

 

 

I think some curiosity is normal, but be careful that you don't let it affect you or your relationship in an unhealthy manner. IMO, retroactive jealousy is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

[Iris The Butterfly]

Do you think this could be the root of the problem and the ex jealousy/curiosity is just a symptom?

 

 

H had an ex-girlfriend of several years. I've seen her because we were all in the same college previously, although I've never talked to her in person. I know why he broke up with her. (All the things that you said you wanted to know about your bf's ex.) Yet none of that affects our relationship in any way, really. The knowledge was essentially irrelevant.

 

 

I think some curiosity is normal, but be careful that you don't let it affect you or your relationship in an unhealthy manner. IMO, retroactive jealousy is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Yes, I think it is just a symptom of me wanting to spend more time with him. The women who lived with him, although they had a diff relationship and they’re not me, they got to see him day and night all the time. I don’t have that.

 

What do you mean RJ is a self-fulfilling prophecy?

[Iris The Butterfly]

Hey I'm a bit confused with the thread - you say you don't want to live together since you are not married or planning that, but then you are jealous of his exes he lived with also without being married.

 

So if he offers you to move in together as of now, would you accept or would it be no option since you are not planning to get engaged?

 

I’ll try to clear up any confusion. I realize I’m kind of all over the place. I’m not jealous of the two women he lived with but didn’t marry. I’m jealous of all the TIME they got to spend with him. I want to go grocery shopping and plan the meals together. I want to sleep next to him every night. We spend half the week together but lately I want more because I fell in love. The frequency of time together hasn’t increased (much) since we started dating almost 8 months ago. The intimacy has increased, but not the frequency. About a month or so ago I mentioned I wanted more time, but maybe I need to say it again. We do spend quality time together, it’s not that we don’t. Last night we spent the night apart, didn’t see each other at all, but had spent the night prior. We said goodnight and I said, “my bed is lonely, even my cat is in her own bed tonight” and he said, “we’ll be cuddled up together soon”. It’s definitely not that he doesn’t want to be with me, I just want more time than he does. I’m usually a very independent and social person, I have a full life without him. But at the end of all that, I want to be with him. Yep, I’m in love.

 

In the hypothetical event that he asked me to move in with him, I would really want to say yes, but would have to hold to the boundary of not living together until engagement/marriage. I find that for me personally, it has only burned wayyyy too much time with my two previous exes and I’m looking for marriage and to have a family very soon, so my time is much more valuable than it was in my early 20s. I compare it to holding out on having sex with just anyone and saving it for someone special who you know will become your boyfriend. I DO want to live with him, I could totally imagine it. But the next man I live with is going to be my husband. I used to say that about sex. Before I met my boyfriend I was totally heartbroken for over 6 months. I went on a couple dates but I was ‘dry’ for 8 months or so. I told myself, “the next man I have sex with is going to be my boyfriend.” And he is. Sex isn’t as serious as living together but the idea is the same. I have no judgment against people who live together because I’ve done it twice, and I’ve seen many friends get married after years of living together. That’s the thing. years… I think that living together is a benefit of MARRIAGE, and a real motivating incentive to marriage, just like having a child.

 

It’s tough though. He’s the first guy I’ve been with after the last ex I lived with (over 7 years ago), that I can see living with again and would want to. This feels very real to me. I find myself kind of panicking sometimes, scary to think my heart is so much on the line and he could break it, or my desire to spend more time together will be or is unrequited. I think that’s where the jealousy of the past time the other women had with him comes in.

Edited June 13, 2019 by littlebridge