Jealousy/curiosity over boyfriend's exes

[Blip86]

Thanks for clarifying. The thing is - you’re dreaming of the impossible- spending your time together but not living together. I think half the week together is maxing it out if you have separate households - I’m sure both of you need time to maintain your respective places. Plus overnight bags every other day is not the idea of fun for most of us..

 

In my opinion try to focus on the quality of time you spend together, not the quantity. Rushing it at 8 months is not wise, first year of dating is to get to know each other without placing expectations and timelines. You have much better chance for future with him this way compared to forcing premature moving in or marriage or babies talk.

 

For the exes though, I think it is the right time to ask questions. If he tells you what they were like, what the relationships and breakups were like, you will first be less jealous (I hope) and second - you will know much better what he’s like as a person and partner.

[elaine567]

The problem here is that you are ready for nest building, marriage and kids, but you have got involved with a 48yo guy whose past dating history does not tell you he is the "settling down with a wife and kids" type.

He is not giving you the cues you would like in order to be secure in the knowledge he is taking this with the seriousness you would like him to.

You need him to fast forward this to marriage and kids to meet your fertility targets, but he, I guess, is in no rush. For all you know he may have spent his last two serious LTRs batting off broody women...

IME, men who are the marrying type tend to just get married...

 

As he is not reassuring you that this is all going to plan, you are getting envious of the women he did get "more serious" with...

 

You in reality needed a ~35 yo guy who is ready to settle down as all his friends are coupled up and having kids, and he would be willing to fast forward it all too. As it is, you have a 48yo "bachelor", who may or may not want a wife and kids, but I guess is in no rush to get there anytime soon...

[Iris The Butterfly]

Elaine, you are the only person on my threads who continues to point out his age and on another thread you commented how “odd” it is. There’s no reason to keep harping on it. Yes, it would’ve been ideal for me to find and marry one of my peers but that didn’t work out and isn’t even on the table. My last serious relationship ended 2.5 years ago. I dated actively after that. Including men in my age group. IT DIDN’T WORK OUT. They weren’t interested in settling down, they didn’t feel a connection, vice versa. I’m choosing to invest in the guy who asked for a commitment and shows me every day that he wants to be in a serious relationship with me. My bf has done that. Nobody else has. And even if I ended the relationship due to his age there is zero guarantee I would find someone my age who I feel is even remotely close to how my bf and I feel about each other. So let’s move on from the age factor because I’m in this relationship now. I’m not breaking up with him so if you want to continue to point out how old he is and how that’s the real issue I will simply ignore your comments.

 

He told me very clearly and explicitly he is looking for a wife and wants to start a family, even before we met. He didn’t want to meet me unless I was on board with that. Has continued to talk about his desire to have kids. Recently he was musing about how I will be as a mother, talking hypothetically about “our baby”, etc. Said something like, “now I know what kind of mother you’ll be”; “our baby”, “if we have a baby…”, etc. From what he has told me about his 2 long term exes, apparently in time he/they both discovered they weren’t compatible. Why would he lie about his desire to have marriage and family? Are you implying that he is stringing me along? I honestly believe him. I’m 35. I'm also 'old' to have never been married or have kids. Many people might think the same about me, “she’s noncommittal, she has issues, she really doesn’t want marriage or kids otherwise she would’ve done it already, etc.” I may have some issues, but I’ve always wanted to be married and have kids. I had opportunities too, was also in long term relationships like my bf was, had two proposals, got pregnant at 24, had an abortion because the father didn’t want the baby and left when I told him the news, spent years on and off with the wrong guy, was traumatized by an abusive relationship and not emotionally available for a relationship for a couple years, last ex wasn’t the right fit, wasn’t in love with the man who proposed last year, etc. I’ve said all this on another thread. I have to believe that my bf has also had similar opportunities and yes, probably did want marriage and kids all along, but it turned out the women he was in serious relationships with weren’t the right person, just like my experiences have been. I could’ve married before. When it came up, I chose not to. I could’ve had a baby a long time ago. I chose not to. Those are permanent decisions and I don’t want to marry just to get married. My bf takes it very seriously, as do I. He doesn’t believe in divorce. At my age if I ever get married, it’s going to be for life and that’s how he feels. It’s for life. So it’s not something to jump into lightly. That’s why I didn’t choose to marry before. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life with someone just to say I was married. That would be stupid.

 

He doesn’t exhibit any other ‘non-committal’ signs. He has a stable career. He has financial security. He owns his home and is planning to buy another bigger place in the near future to “accommodate a family”. He seeks long term relationships. He doesn’t date multiple women or do casual relationships. He commits to plans in advance. He’s monogamous. He talks about the future with me in it, “we” is common lately. My last serious bf was 10 years older than me. Previously married with two kids from a different woman. Said he was “open” to having more kids and “open” to getting married again, which means he really wasn’t looking for either. He was all over the place with work and was very irresponsible with money. Had trouble making plans and sticking to them. Didn’t have a mortgage or a car payment, no commitments, very freewheeling, all over the place, liked to go out and party. 6 months or so into our relationship, he said “you should come out here (we were long distance) next year for this event”. As if we wouldn’t be together in the same city and would still be long distance. Took me one year to realize he wasn’t my guy. Turns out he was noncommittal in the way I wanted him to be. My current bf doesn’t make me feel insecure in that way at all. So, the best I can do is go with my gut, and my gut is telling me to not let my fear override me and sabotage this great relationship.

 

I’ve never been with someone who so clearly told me, even before we met how much he wanted kids. I have to think… ‘why would a man in his late 40s want to burn time with someone he doesn’t see as his future wife and mother of his kids…if he wants that so much?’ He wouldn’t. And neither would I. It takes some time to be sure. Not long, not years… but time.

 

To move on past the age issue, as to learning more about the exes and his past long term relationships… that takes time to discover and we did talk about it in more depth not long ago. He’s learning more and more about my past most significant relationship. From what he told me neither of the women long term brought up marriage or put any kind of pressure about getting married and having kids. He felt they knew and he knew it wasn’t the right fit. And so as it went, the relationships ended. One cheated after years of being together and the other he broke up with because she developed a drug addiction and wasn’t stable. I asked him point blank- and he was taken aback… “do you think that it’s been something in YOU that has kept you from marriage and kids when you say you want both?” His response was, “no, it’s about not being with the right person, I could’ve married before but we wouldn’t still be together now.” I feel exactly the same way. I could’ve married and had kids a decade ago, more, and accepted that proposal last year…but I would be divorced/ I wouldn’t be happy/ I’d have to sue for child support and be taking my baby daddy of my 10 year old to court, if I had married him I would be a single divorced mom. If I had married my first bf who proposed I’d be divorced. Instead, I got out. Bf seems like he did the same.

 

I could take one of two stances: mistrust, think that he’s out to string me along, is lying about wanting marriage and kids, think that he’s too old and dump him, is a confirmed bachelor and just out for himself, just wasting time with me, doesn’t mean what he says, isn’t going to follow through, etc. OR… I could be with him, learn, observe, be happy, and discover more and get closer, as we are. Half the week spending time is reasonable I agree with blip. I think more than that is leaning on living together status/marriage. I’ve learned… he really likes his alone time. He’s not an attached at the hip partner. It has nothing to do with how he feels about me because he shows me and tells me how he feels. I think if no serious progression after a year then it’s time to reevaluate. Not there yet. I can’t imagine things NOT progressing to more serious. I could be wrong, that’s the risk I’m willing to take though. He’s moved the relationship forward and in good timing all along, I have no reason to believe that wouldn’t continue, unless he no longer thought I was a good long term partner, then in that case I believe he would promptly tell me, dump me and move on because he doesn’t want to waste time.

Edited June 14, 2019 by littlebridge

[clia]

You come across as very insecure about the relationship, so that is probably feeding your curiosity about his exes. To be honest, you seem insecure to the point that you know something is off about the relationship, so you are trying frantically to convince yourself everything is right on. I would encourage you not to discount or ignore any pink or red flags in an an effort to keep the narrative you have built in your head going.

 

And I'm not talking necessarily about the age thing. My husband was 46 when I met him, also never married, no kids. He lived with three (I think?) of his previous girlfriends and was engaged and together with one of them for seven years. That's about all I know about his previous relationships -- basically nothing. I think I saw a picture of his ex-fiancee when we were looking through some old pictures, but I don't even remember much about her other than that she had brown hair and was cute. I neither know nor care anything about those women. He's never asked about my past relationships either. There was no point -- we are together now and that was all in the past.

 

He wanted to get married, though, much like you say your guy wants. But my husband never mused about "oh, when we get married" or "our future house" or that kind of stuff. He showed me through his actions that he was serious. At three months he flew me to his home country to meet his family. He moved the relationship along, wanted to be with me as much as he could. Told me he loved me at around three months. There was no question. He proposed at 15 months.

 

You seem to be moving emotionally at a much faster pace than your guy. (And I'm a little torn because on the one hand eight months isn't that long, but on the other hand it is.) Your level of insecurity in the relationship seems more relevant to someone at the 0-6 month point, rather than the 6+ point, where things should be starting to move into a serious direction, and I wonder why that is. I don't think there is anything wrong with him only wanting to see you half the week. That seems reasonable to me. I mean, I assume he has friends and hobbies and interests of his own that he wants to pursue on the other 3-4 nights (or even just sit on the couch by himself and watch TV.) I also don't see why you would go grocery shopping together if you don't live together unless you were out shopping to make a specific meal together for dinner or something, so no big deal there.

 

I'm just worried he is gaslighting you with the marriage stuff. Has he told you he loves you yet? To me, eight months together without an "I love you" is a giant red flag. (And I know in your previous thread you said he almost said it or was close, but sorry, that doesn't count.)

 

As far as living together, he knows your position. (And for the record, I agree with your position!) Based on that, there is no reason whatsoever to even bring up living together until he proposes.

[NuevoYorko]

I don't think he's necessarily gaslighting, but I get the strong impression that this relationship is what it is right now; not heading anywhere. The guy is happy with it.

 

For this reason, the OP is looking at other relationships he had that went to a different level of intimacy.

 

I can understand this.

 

OP - this is not meant to be hurtful to you; I'd give the same opinion to anyone: take your relationship as it is today. Stop thinking about the future. 8 months is enough time to get a solid feel for a relationship. What you have today is what you have. If you are not satisfied with it, you need to move on. If you are basically satisfied, you need to embrace it as it is and stop looking for secret "clues" that it's going to a different place.

 

If you need clarification from him, it is definitely time for you to be straightforward. I said this in your other thread; others disagreed because you relationship was fairly new. Months have passed.

 

Your guy is my age peer. Men at our age KNOW what we want and what we don't want. If we don't know, that is a red flag in and of itself.

 

Find out. Stop guessing and looking for secret meanings. He can speak his truth to you, if you let him know that's what you need.

[Iris The Butterfly]

I don't feel there is any gaslighting going on at all.

 

Thank you for your replies. NuevoYorko I'm glad you chimed in.

 

I have been mulling this over and I feel that I am insecure in all of my romantic relationships. It's not something that he is or isn't doing, it's me. I read something somewhere that there are women who take the assumption that men are out to waste their time, take advantage, and are dishonest. It hit a nerve with me. I took that assumption from a really traumatic relationship in my past. Those feelings always come out when I get really close with someone and fall in love. When I think about it, with my serious relationships following, I've taken that same stance at times, usually when things are going well and things are turning more serious. It's not helping me, it's holding me back. I tend to look for doubt when there is no reason to, or maybe try and sabotage it in a way, most likely self-defense mechanism. I have a therapist I will talk to about this week, this one thing in particular. I recognize it in myself. I tell myself, my options are: end it now because his age, his past, the fact that we don't talk about or plan to live together, he's not proposing, etc. OR I could be present and be happy. And if those things are meant to be with him, naturally they will come. I believe it. It's not like we're 2 years in, or a year even. If I look at the big picture, over the past almost 8 months, it has definitely been progressing. I have no reason to feel insecure. Let's say he was talking about the future and I wasn't any part of that, then yes, I would have reason to feel insecure at this point. He hasn't done that.

 

NY: you said he's happy with the way things are, not going anywhere.

 

I wouldn't say it's going nowhere. Since day one he has been the one to progress the relationship, fairly quickly, said he only wanted to date me weeks in, wanted to be sure I was also committed to only him about 2 months in, then introduced me as his girlfriend, refers to us as a couple, a team, then the 'love' comments started coming, talking about our future plans, I never had to ask, he just made it happen. I have no doubt he is 10000% committed to the relationship and absolutely does not want to lose me because he has said so.

 

The 'red flag' that I've brought up is the not spending more time together at this point. But I'm not sure it's a red flag, just something I want more of. It's not that he doesn't want to see me. About half the week spending time is healthy, I think... considering we both have full time jobs, friends, I just went on a short trip out of town, activities after work, he likes alone time too, etc. What I do like about our relationship is that we have QUALITY time. Not too often do we just hang out, doing nothing together. We spend time in at my house or his a night or two a week, making dinner and watching TV, and go out to do a fun activity the other. He has always put effort into making a special plan or date night every week. I love that. He came up with a mental list of all the things he would like us to do together, talking months ahead, talking about the holidays, etc. He likes to pull the date cards I gave him for Valentine's Day. He always puts the effort in, I give him that. Quality time is important, and we have that.

 

As far as his exes that he lived with, he didn't live with them right away. He talked about his first most serious relationship and they didn't move in together for awhile. A month or so ago, I asked him a lot about his past relationships. I learned a lot. And to be honest, it made me feel better to know. It made me feel more secure. I've given him more information about my past too. That takes time to find out but I'm glad I brought it up and asked him questions about it.

 

A couple months in to our relationship he straight out told me, "I see a future with you." And that conversation you're referring to NY, well, I didn't really have to bring it up because he did. It was in May sometime. He asked me very seriously, "what do you tell people about our relationship?" as if he was trying to get a feel for where I stood on it and if I took it seriously as he did. He told me he has talked about me and us to many people in his life and that he's very happy. He told me then, talking about the holidays, "I intend for us to still be together then". At that point, I wasn't thinking too far ahead just yet, so it made me happy to hear that he did. He also casually mentioned maybe we could vacation with his parents sometime. So he sees a future with me, I can see that. He makes jokes about "our baby", and when someone asked if we were married a couple months ago, he said, "not yet!" He made a little joke when he was on stage performing several months ago, he said, 'over there is my fiancee, LittleBridge, we're getting married in September!" Jokes about us being married and our baby. It's in levity but there is usually truth in that... just means he thinks about it. He's not one to speak without thinking carefully. Methodical type of person. When he says those things he gets a sparkle in his eyes, I think it just makes him happy to imagine it.

 

During that conversation where he brought up to me about intending us to be together, I mentioned two weddings I'm attending in August, and he said, "sign me up for both" with no questions. He's not disengaging from my life, he's intertwining himself in it and vice versa. He's eager to spend time with my parents and family, and wants to get to know them better. I dunno.. if he wanted to keep the status quo or at arm's length he wouldn't do that, he wouldn't reserve our names for his work events months ahead, he wouldn't talk about the upcoming holidays and what we will do, he wouldn't ask to get to know my dad better one on one. I see a progression. Maybe the time together isn't increasing but the intimacy definitely is. That's progression.

 

I could ask him today, "I'm wondering where do you see this relationship going?" or "what are your thoughts on living together? You lived with two of your exes, can you imagine that with me?" I could do that, sure. If he's really serious and does see me as his future then he would answer in the way that I would, which is: "I definitely see a potential for this to become long term and I do think about what it would be like to live with you and like the idea." If I'm very honest with myself, I think it's very important to spend more time getting to know each other though. I can imagine it, but to go full on and all in right now, is a little scary. I think that the little things matter, like now we keep things at each others' homes, I feel comfortable giving him a key when I go out of town to care for my cat, he's got a place for my things at his place now. Those things show more intimacy and intertwining lives I think. Months ago he asked me to help pick out his bedding and some new bedroom furniture, he wanted me to like it because 'we' would be using it. He talks about where he wants to buy a house, will show me the places he likes, etc. Will ask me if I see myself doing xyz too, etc, can I see myself in a house like that, etc. Months ago I asked him why he wanted to move, and he said, "we can't both fit in this kitchen, it's too small. Plus if we had a baby we would need to have the extra room." I mean... that's much more than any other guy I've dated has ever said to me. There's no reason for me to mistrust him. I think... that people who are older, me included, really don't want to waste their time. If there were some dealbreaker, he would have said something by now like, "I don't really see this going anywhere" or would be distancing more. He mentioned that he dated someone for a long time that he said those words to, because she had a child from a previous relationship. They just fell into a habit and still dated, but he said he always knew it wouldn't work out, she knew it, and they continued, and it ended.

 

So in summary, I am happy with where it is now. About 8 months isn't a long time but yes, it's at the point where things should becoming more serious, and I think they are! I don't want to end a great relationship because I'm insecure or trying to search for reasons that he's wasting my time, or taking advantage, or is dishonest. That's not going to help me.

 

I think about his living with his two long term exes- that he is not with anymore and has no ties to. There's no reason why I should be jealous of them, he has a great relationship with me. We told each other the other night how happy we are. I think maybe what I would like to know is whether he can imagine that with me, because I'm feeling that now, that is worth asking I think. My previous long term bfs and I didn't talk about living together until about a year in. Maybe it takes some people that long to be ready to make that big step.

He remembered (and I didn't remember telling him this) that I didn't want to live with another man again unless I was marrying or married to him. I think the majority of women, including his exes that he lived with, don't feel that way. Many women do live with boyfriends with no talk about marriage. They assume it will lead to marriage. I've been there and have done that myself. It's a mistake I'm not willing to make again. I'm different and he sees that. He also knows that I want to be a wife and mom. He wants to be a father and doesn't want to have kids out of wedlock, which is why he hasn't yet. Before we even met, he was very clear about wanting to date for that reason. He doesn't want to date just to date. He's ready like I am. He takes it seriously as I do. It's not something to jump into lightly. But once you're sure, I believe people do act quickly on it. Maybe it takes time to know for absolute sure. You have to go through trials and tests first to know if there's longevity. For a reasonable, practical and mature person, that takes time. I know that from experience.

 

So thank you everyone who shared advice, the passing thoughts of jealousy and curiosity about his exes are fizzling out now. He's not with them and it didn't work out. He's putting in time, effort and commitment to ME and I am very happy.

[clia]

I apologize. “Gaslighting” is not the term I should’ve used. I was thinking that it meant something else, along the lines of leading you on or full of sh**. I hope he’s not doing that. I noticed you didn’t answer my question as to whether he’s said “I love you” yet, so I’m going to assume he has not. I still think that’s a giant, waving red flag after 8 months. I mean, he’s talking about marrying you and having a baby with you but hasn’t even said “I love you” yet? Doesn’t that seem a bit odd to you?

Edited June 15, 2019 by clia

[Iris The Butterfly]

I have no problem answering that. I’ve said it on my other thread if not this one already. He has said everything but “I love you littlebridge”. He says “I love you, you’re so cute”. “His name heart emoji LittleBridge”. “I love my baby”. “I’m in love with you.” “I’m head over heels crazy about you.” He once said I love you in French... I'm taking French... he was a little shy saying it. I haven’t said “I love you” either. We have said “I’m in love with you”. I don’t know.... no it doesn’t strike me as odd that someone you’re in love with would talk about the future. Seems normal to me. His actions show me he does, if I only look at the actions and take all the other words out it... I am sure of it. It's very clear. If my best girlfriend would complain to me about her bf not saying "I love YOU" I would laugh... and remind her, "umm.. look at how invested he is in you and your relationship. Didn't he just do xyz, or say xyz, isn't he SHOWING you he does?" When someone just says it and their actions don't back it up, it doesn't mean much. When they show it THEN they say it, you can really believe it. At least that's been the case in all my serious relationships. I had a bad ex who told me he loved me but he treated me like $%&. His 'I love you' didn't mean love. He meant infatuation/desired me physically. The word is meaningful, it should be. And at least for me, I only say it when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I feel it AND that it's reciprocated. I've never been the first to say "I love you" and this won't be one of those times either. He has already brought up the 'serious' talks throughout our relationship. I don't doubt he will do it again.

 

Are you implying that he’s stringing me along because he hasn’t said it? Or that he doesn’t? Saying “I love you” means a lot. When I say it it's at the point of no turning back. I've said "I love you" to my three previous long term boyfriends. It took me awhile. My mom has been remarried for 25 years. Her husband didn’t say I love you until a year, and it was when he proposed. My ex said it after 3 months and I thought that was fast. He didn't say "I love YOU", he said, "love ya", then later it became "I love you." Everyone is different. Maybe I’m wrong but I don’t feel I am. I am very sure he totally adores me, it is very clear.... I don’t want to look for signs that he doesn’t unless he treats me otherwise. Like I said before, I could opt out now because xyz, because he doesn't say the words "I love YOU" yet, or that he's older and never married, or because he isn't asking me to move in, etc....but if I did I would regret it. What I don't want to do is assume someone has bad intentions or not sincere intentions when they have already made it clear that they see a future with me and are actively planning for that future. Whether that means work events months away, or a trip, or talking about the holidays. And especially when he said, "I intend for us to still be together" at the end of the year... I mean, he's not an underhanded manipulative person or selfish. I truly want to believe with all my heart that if he ever felt that it wasn't something he wanted to pursue seriously he would have already made that clear long ago. I also can't imagine telling someone you're head over heels crazy about them, etc. then turning around and saying 'never mind. I'm not feeling it anymore.' Feelings progress! They have for me, and I can tell they have with him. In the beginning he would tell me often, "I really like you, you know that right?" or "I can't stop thinking about you", "I have such a big crush on you". Then it was "I'm head over heels crazy about you." "I think of you constantly." "You've stolen my heart." Then the "love" word started appearing.

 

I think talking about our future baby and making little jokes about us being engaged or not married yet, just shows he’s thinking about it. Just like I’m recently thinking about what it would be like to live together. Maybe when men talk about marriage and babies in the hypothetical maybe it just means trying on the idea for size and gauging your reaction if it’s still early ish into the relationship. This has happened in my past as well. It's like musing about it, thinking about the future with someone you're in love with, seems natural to me.

Edited June 15, 2019 by littlebridge

[clia]

Are you implying that he’s stringing me along because he hasn’t said it? Or that he doesn’t? Saying “I love you” means a lot.

 

I'm not implying anything. I'm saying that for me it would raise a red flag that a guy hasn't said "I love you" after eight months together, yet is fawning all over me with talk about me being his fiancee, the babies and home we are going to have, our future marriage, etc. That seems like a disconnect to me. That would make me feel insecure in the relationship. I would tell my friend the same thing. If you aren't concerned about it, then that's fine. Maybe I'm sensitive to it because I was in a nine month relationship where the guy was doing all the same types of things you said your guy does, except for the "I love you," and I, like you are doing, wrote it off and thought it didn't matter because his actions showed otherwise. And, well, I found out that it did matter. He talked a big game about the future, but was a commitment phobe when it came down to actually making the commitment.

 

I'm not telling you any of this to try to be a jerk about your relationship. Like I said, I hope he's not stringing you along and I hope it's all for real and I hope he proposes to you in the next few months and the two of you go on to have babies and a happy life together. I would be thrilled for you if that happened. All I am saying is that you seem to be only looking at all the things that support your narrative that everything is flowers and rainbows, so I wonder if there are other things you are ignoring.

 

And I'm not telling you to dump him now either. Time will tell. Just keep your eyes open and be aware. Going back to your original post, you seem insecure about the relationship and you should be thinking long and hard about what he's doing (or not doing) that is making you feel that way. (If you are so positive that he adores you and loves you and is serious about marriage and a family with you, then why do you have to find out all this stuff about his exes and past relationships? Who cares?)

[NuevoYorko]

Are you being 100% honest with yourself about being fine if this relationship stays like it is today, because you're in love with the man?

 

If so, that's good. I do have doubts. There is a lot of territory between your previous (and recent) stated desire to be married and have children, and spending 3 or 4 days a week with your boyfriend.

 

If you are still secretly harboring hopes of a traditional family, I do hope you will soon be able to talk to him about this in straightforward terms: "Where is this relationship headed, I need to know so I can plan my future" type of thing. I don't think that's nagging or beating a dead horse. What IS doing so is continuing to drop "hints" to "let him know" what you are wanting. Yes, you have done that plenty. He knows; however, if this relationship suits him as it is, he's unlikely to broach it with you, he'll just go on like this.

 

I still get the sense that you are trying to lure him into moving it in the direction you want. That is a very passive role to take, if you really do still (secretly) want to be married and have kids. You've made it clear he's said he wants those things as well but so far he has not shown it in concrete actions.

 

I have to admit that I am a little concerned by your in depth cataloging of all the endearing things he's said to you in lieu of "I love you." Not the things he's said per se (though some of them I'd find a bit alarming, like the baby & fiancee stuff - that is odd), but the fact that you found it necessary to share them all in this thread is what gives me pause. It comes off to the reader as if you are really really trying to convince us - and also yourself.

 

LB - this is one reason your threads go the way they do. You share things that inspire concerns, people voice their concerns, and then you insist there is nothing to be concerned about - while using further concerning examples to convince us that there is nothing to be concerned about.

 

Very circular and, frankly, mind bogglingly confusing. But I'm just telling you this because I don't want you to be on the defense all the time, and / or to think that people here are trying to crush your hopes or disparage your boyfriend. You put a lot out there that people respond to - and I believe that, maybe subconsciously, you're doing it on purpose, because you really want to hear it. So, I hope you will continue, and that some of the things that are difficult to read give you things to consider, even if you don't agree.

 

If you've truly come to a place of peace and acceptance that this level of sharing and intimacy is satisfying, I'm not taking issue with it at all, or doubting the man's sincerity. Just hoping that you are not changing to fit HIS ideas about a good relationship.

Edited June 17, 2019 by NuevoYorko

[Iris The Butterfly]

NuevoYorko, thank you for your honesty. I appreciate it. My defensiveness is coming from two places. One, from my own insecurity (self-inflicted) and two, poster(s) who make digs about his age and how our relationship is ‘odd’, I’ve had posters say he’s lying about his feelings and wanting marriage and kids just so he can have sex with me, he’s too old, why can’t I find someone my own age, etc. It’s insulting and upsetting to hear that. I get defensive when things like that are said. We don’t choose who we fall in love with or connect with. Yes, of course I would have preferred to meet and marry someone my age by now. I also would’ve preferred to have had a baby 10 years ago and not be 35 wondering if I’ll ever be able to conceive. Life doesn’t work out the way we want sometimes. I think my greatest fears in all of my romantic relationships are coming to the surface now that things are serious, and reading inflammatory comments by total strangers fans those flames. It’s in general, it’s not about my boyfriend and our relationship.

 

I’m not trying to convince anyone, including myself about how he feels about me either by writing about all the things he’s said. As far as the musing about us being married and the baby talk… I don’t find it odd. I think it’s normal for people to throw the idea around and try it on for size when you’re in love. My last bf talked about things like that. Thing is, I have no doubt had we stayed together, those things would’ve happened.

 

It is no secret at all to my bf that I want kids. I don’t “drop hints” and neither does he. We have had serious discussions about our desire to have a family (in general) beginning even before we met! Since then, we’ve talked about it, not like, “let’s try for a baby now” but like I said, he will make little hypothetical comments, and things like we will share that we prefer a daughter; now he knows what kind of mother I’ll be, etc. Nobody is dropping hints at all. We may as well be wearing neon signs as far as I’m concerned. I’m not tiptoeing around the idea trying to lure him in either. We both went into the relationship with serious intentions and I think that has been shown. Before we even met he asked me if I had kids, and wanted any. He said he was looking to date only women who didn’t have kids or ex-husbands and who wanted (and could have) kids. I fit that criteria. He fit mine. He was vocal about wanting kids. None of the men I’ve ever dated successfully have ever been so straightforward about it. If anything he has been the MOST straightforward I’ve ever experienced. He knows what he wants, which was what attracted me to him. The fact that he has pursued and progressed the relationship since we met… just shows me his intentions are genuine. He’s not out to burn time or just play around. One thing is true, no concrete action has been taken right this very moment to take that ‘next step’, but if I look back on the months that we have been together, he was always the one to bring up those milestones. If he wants to make the next step I know for certain he will bring it up. I’m not going to be passive, I don’t see the harm in asking questions like, “what is your opinion on living together”, “where do you see things heading in the future with us”, etc. That seems like a normal conversation to have at this point. Just like digging in deeper about past relationships takes time to broach.

 

I think what trips me up sometimes is my own fear of being taken advantage of, lied to, betrayed, my time intentionally wasted, etc. My bad ex did that. I have taken that forward with me when any relationship starts to get serious. It’s scary to be vulnerable. I don’t want to think my bf has bad intentions or is using me or out to waste my time. I’m not trying to convince myself of his feelings for me either. I don’t have to. Yesterday was really special. We didn’t even do anything special, it was just the time together that was meaningful. Spent the evening Saturday and he had a work disappointment he shared openly. We just had a very intimate night, and on the weekend morning our little ritual has been taking a long rambling walk in our neighborhood. It was nice. I had to leave in the afternoon but as usual we were in touch the rest of the day. In the evening he sent a slew of really sweet texts… “going to bed, sweet dreams baby, I can’t wait to see you again.” Then he sent tons of hearts, kisses, xoxo emojis. And going strong today too, feeling the love struck vibes. I can feel a lot of love and tenderness from him. I’m not trying to convince anyone, including myself. The actions speak loudly. Right now, I don’t see any issues or reasons to be insecure or concerned. This thread was about my curiosity/retroactive jealousy about the exes he was seriously involved with. Seeing that I’m one of that group of women now (one of his serious relationships) I can’t help but compare, or wonder about them. And hope this time it works out for both of us.

[Iris The Butterfly]

Over the past month a lot has happened. It seemed like things were just coasting for awhile but it hit a climax this month.Turns out my 'jealousy' or insecurity was my spidey sense that something was in fact not right, or was missing, or not happening. Over the past couple months I've compared our time together to other couples, including what I thought he had with his exes. I thought half the week to spend together was just fine but there have been many times that I've wanted more. I thought to myself, by after 6 months or so, if it's going in a serious direction... shouldn't we be more attached at the hip? I would compare us to his exes, other couples I know who are together almost constantly. And I see now that I was envious because I wanted that too. I like my independence and have an active social life, so I was ok with the balance... but again there were many times I wanted to move to the next level of intimacy and togetherness and felt he wasn't as eager. Turns out he has also been feeling the same as I have. Something was holding it back but now it's all out in the open.

 

I've had an opportunity to share this feeling of 'jealousy' or insecurity about his time with his exes and the time other couples spend together. Long story, but HE brought it up. HE has been feeling that we haven't been spending enough time together and wants to change that and has now been actively changing that. We've spent more time together in the past couple weeks than we have in a long time, probably since the first 2 months of dating. Almost every day/night. Significant change from before. HE asked why we haven't been having those conversations about long term future, not just the rest of the year, but the big stuff like living together, marriage, etc. yet. HE was questioning whether I feel that way about him, do I think about those things, why hadn't we said I love you yet? I guess he had been questioning his own feelings too, like 'if we haven't said I love you by now and aren't talking about the far off future yet... is it because I'm not in love with her, or is it because she's not in love with me? He had said something along the lines of "wanting to take things to the 'next level'..." same exact thing I've been wanting. Nuevo Yorko said something about asking him "Where is this relationship headed, I need to know so I can plan my future".... but I didn't have to ask because he's been telling me. He said I love you and want a life together, I want you to have my baby and for us to be married, etc. So what's keeping him now if he can freely say that to me? Nothing anymore I guess. If what he's saying is true, I know he will make that happen.

 

He said "I love YOU" a couple weeks ago for the first time. Not "I love my baby" or "I'm so head over heels crazy for you", but I love you. He has said everything but, for months, words of infatuation, but never I love YOU and neither had I. I know for me it's a big deal to say it. Once you do, your whole heart is out there and everything changes. It's scary. Maybe I was trying to convince myself that he did actually love me when he wasn't saying it yet. I also thought... shouldn't we be saying it by now too. But now he's said it and I'm really glad he said it first. Now the floodgates have been opened and he's letting it flow freely. It's really nice to hear and to be able to say it now. Maybe fear was holding him back, maybe it was for me too. Maybe insecurities. Self doubt. Not being sure. The first time he said it was in a very emotional moment and was very moving and genuine.

 

We talked for the first time about actual logistics of living together. We couldn't move into each others' places because they're both too small, we would have to move into a bigger place. A few days ago he sent me a link to a home for sale and asked me what I thought about it. He has been mentioning all along that he wants to buy a bigger house in the near future and rent out his condo, so it's not an unusual thing that he would be looking at a house for sale. But he's never asked me MY opinion on anything like that until now. When this conversation came up to begin with he said all along there's been a part of him that has been hoping I would become pregnant, only partly hoping because he would want us to be married first. He said just a week or so ago now, in response to me saying what I want, "I want the same things. With YOU." So that's the difference. It's one thing to say, "I want to get married and have a family." Another thing completely to add "with YOU" onto that. He said it. He said he can see I would be a great mother and wants us to have a life together.

 

We will be dating one year in October, which is also the end of my lease. I can stay monthly after that or move out. I can definitely see moving in together, finding a bigger place, but if I'm going to take that step he already knows I would want to be married or engaged. Now that all this has come up, I feel like many things have changed and are moving forward. I would guess the 'next steps' will or should follow very soon.

Edited July 23, 2019 by littlebridge