Well, I am an idiot

[jotyhen78]

My gf and I have been together for 10 months. She is struggling with depression real bad. Tried to self harm twice this year. She has a lot of past trauma. During late January I got a message from my x gf. Whom I hadn’t spoken to since our split mid 2018. I began talking to her without letting the gf in on it. She was in the middle of a giant alcohol binge and I knew it would b a disaster. We made headway towards Reconciliation and closure more than anything tho she claimed to still love me and not be over me. During ensuing months I was having a very difficult time with gf in the hospital. I received numerous texts and calls and even made some looking to previous gf for advice as she was familiar with trauma and the like. We have stayed in contact for these months and she has been very helpful. Truly nothing more. I don’t have feelings for her any longer and am glad to know that she is not dead or in a bad way. Otherwise want to let her follow her path and me mine with the gf that def needs as much love n support as I can give. Downside coming.... gf saw today message come in asking how I am doing and some other ~ that sent her spinning in a somewhat controlled rage. I tried to explain and that went so so. More than anything I feel I have shattered her trust and don’t know if it can be repaired. I new from the beginning that I should tell her what was up but she was such a wreck that I was trying to spare us both, hoping with closure I could just move on and if she did sober up enough I would tell her. Bad idea! Am I really that wrong to have held out? Have I caused irreparable damage to our relationship? She has made clear that it hurt her. I know I feel awful.

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, you should have been more honest with your girlfriend.

 

But more than anything, you shouldn’t have been turning to your ex to begin with. You knew that wasn’t right, but you chose to continue busting that boundary anyway. When you’re engaging in behaviour you feel you can’t be honest about, you’re doing something wrong.

 

As such, your girlfriend is right not to buy your excuse that you were hiding it out of consideration for her. No, you were hiding it to save your own skin. That’s where you’re going to have a lot of trouble putting this back together.

[FMW]

Someone once did not tell me something important and when I found out - from someone else - used the excuse that they kept quiet for me, because I was dealing with other issues and they didn't want to burden me. My thought was that their explanation was complete bull****, they didn't tell me because they KNEW they had messed up but wanted to do what they did without consequences. I tried to move past it but it damaged our relationship and eventually ended it. I couldn't trust them.

 

So maybe I'm being unfair to you OP because of my experience, but I'm not buying that your continued contact with your ex was innocent. There surely were other people in your life you could have talked to when your gf was in crisis.

[Ddog]

I'm not buying that your continued contact with your ex was innocent. There surely were other people in your life you could have talked to when your gf was in crisis.

 

True that!

[d0nnivain]

If your interactions with your EX were above board you would not have hidden them from your GF no matter what your GF was also deal with.

 

I actually did a business deal with one of my EXs with my husband's blessing. DH & I talked about it when the EX came to me with the offer.

 

At this point, what is done is done. The problem is that you said when you talked to the EX you "made headway toward Reconciliation" and you got closure. If you were talking about reconciliation you were talking about getting back together while your GF was in the hospital. That is not cool. To claim that now you have no feelings for her is hard to swallow. Your GF must feel very violated that you shared personal & private info about her health with your EX.

 

Your best shot is sending flowers & apology to your GF. Send your EX a note that says while you enjoyed catching up with her & you are glad she's progressing in her life you need to severe ties out of respect for your GF Show your GF that message. Then block the EX.

 

That said, do not try to save your GF from whatever demons she's battling. It can't be done. You need to make sure that her & her issues won't bring you down too

[jotyhen78]

Thanks, tho I knew I was in the wrong she nearly killed herself twice b4 she found out this bull****! I am actually glad that I had nothing to do with those incidents. Certainly would make it rough to know I was the trigger! Furthermore. I am not trying to make excuses I realize my wrong. Just don’t want to make the same mistakes over n over and hope to help someone else b4 they do. Also, I have saved her life twice now. Perhaps that should grant a person the right to have conversations with whomever they want. Just sayin’. I have learned my lesson will deal with the consequences and hope that the insight that was gained and now shared helps. This site is a joke.

[d0nnivain]

Why do you say this site is a joke?

 

You saving your GF's life does not give you the right to violate her privacy & talk about her personal medical situation to anybody you chose.

 

Do you want to fix your mistake or not? What is your plan?

[jotyhen78]

Reconciliation as in, discussing & understanding each other’s perspective of what the problems were in terms of our relationship and where we went astray. Not in anyway to try and get back together. My bad. Misuse of language perhaps. I told her from the onset of our communication that I am in love with the current gf & There was no chance of us getting back due to how she had treated me, but to be able to tell her just how I felt and why I felt this way was good for me to get closure and for us to have an understanding so as to move on without it coming up again in the next go around with someone else. I believe it was good for her too. Not to say she and I won’t always care for one another. At times during the early months of the new relationship as much as I despised her I could not help but feel for her. I had loved her. Yet she had issues like most people in this ****ed up world. Hurt and disgusted by her actions aside I still cared. The fact was, as much as I don’t prefer to discuss someones med. situation she ( the ex) was the only person that I know that has been dealt a similar hand. Abuse on such a vast, deep level. She caught wind of the incident through other channels and then made herself available to support me. I call that compassion and empathy. Anyway, I feel quite guilty as everyone seems to think I should and I hope to make amends. I did cut ties and don’t feel good in doing so, she has proven to me to be a true friend. For this relationship tho I see that it is necessary. I will be working to rebuild the trust that I have obviously lost with the gf. And certainly realize I cannot save her. Though I will continue to be a good partner and if “incident” comes up again, wouldn’t change any of my actions. Of course, I hope to find someone else who can support my mental stability, God help me. Unfortunately he doesn’t speak and leaves you guessing most of the time. Thanks for all the comments. It has helped.

[FMW]

If being with your girlfriend for ten months makes you feel the need for extra support, she's not the girl for you. It's not your job to "save" her.

 

I don't think you should feel guilty - I think you should see the situation for what it is.

[Orokotikki]

He didn't hear what he wanted to hear.

He thinks that 'he saved her life' (to be fair probably her words originally not his) and thinks he is entitled to an emotional affair or monkey-branching while staying with her 'to protect her from herself'.

 

Get both yourselves to counseling if you want to save any of you from anyone.

[jotyhen78]

I think it’s a joke because everyone says I had motives that I am saying plain as day weren’t there. Why make **** up for a forum of people I don’t know. I wanted opinion on how to do her right. How to make amends and was I so wrong or eh, just pretty wrong? I don’t need to be called a liar or worse. Furthermore. Why does the world think it’s so wrong to have a conversation with an ex and not tell the new gf/bf. do we have to tell our partner of every word we had with every person that we encounter every day? I don’t think so... and if it was going on in my relationship I would be like. I don’t need to hear about that. I do prefer the idea of once the partner enters into a new commitment/relationship they no longer communicate with there old lovers, yes. It just makes it easier. But if they do and donÂ’t plan to meet and f*** or whatever. I don’t need to know. Actually thinking about it more if I was informed of such much, I believe it could cause me to become jealous of that non relationship for what reason? Simply because I have to hear about it. sometimes relationships end and communication continues. It doesn’t make it inherently wrong to not communicate those words to the new partner. It is wrong to have sexual activities with the ex if your in a committed relationship, But not just speaking to her/him. That’s Whether or not you disclose it with the new gf/bf. Call me crazy! Bottom line I felt like I should have told her. So I should have. Med stuff should not be discussed with anyone but god. Gotcha! Sure wish I had a shrink. Can I talk to them about my crazy gf that just tried to kill herself? Certainly not if there is a first name involved. How does one get a break. your mom just had a heart procedure. Oh, u can’t say that! It’s nobody’s business! Well then who is gonna send flowers? She ain’t gonna call all her friends and family or the dogooders. Show some love. This wasn’t about a quick get back uP. It was how can you do good for her when she comes home.

Edited June 12, 2019 by jotyhen78
Misspelling

[FMW]

No, we aren't saying you are straight up lying about your thoughts and feelings - we are saying you are fooling yourself, you have written a story about what's happening and aren't seeing the reality of it.

 

We all do it. That's why it's so easy to detect. Being strangers on an anonymous forum probably makes it even easier to see it in someone else's posts.

 

You can't make things better for your gf if you aren't able to understand why the thing with your ex is a big deal. Understanding is the first required step to making things better.

 

Another thing I've noticed is when posters get really defensive and lash out about responses they don't like, it's a really good sign they are in denial of the truth about their own motivations.

 

You posted seeking advice and ideas - you got them. Write them off as a joke if you choose.

[Orokotikki]

In your response, you had me following, then totally lost me.

 

Look, I'm guessing you're young.

 

Get your GF flowers, take her to dinner, swallow your pride and say you're sorry. Tell your ex "I'm sorry but its disrespectful and hurtful to GF for us to continue this friendship, but I'm glad we got some closure, lets not talk again."

 

There is whole books that explain how basically its ****ty to secretly talk to exes - and often not always, but often, leads to very painful outcomes for people.

 

And if you aren't 'committed' with GF and don't like how she acted? Then dump her - thats what dating is for. As for her depression? You can not fix it. You can worsen it, but you cannot fix it.

[jotyhen78]

Really!

He thinks that 'he saved her life' (to be fair probably her words originally not his) and thinks he is entitled to an emotional affair or monkey-branching while staying with her 'to protect her from herself'.

 

She said just let me die!

 

I did save her life. when she overdosed on pills I called 911. she was in a coma for 3 days. when she slit her wrists, I bandaged them and called 911 while keeping the pressure on the wounds. If I had not done these things she would be dead *******!

True, I am not hearing what I wanted and I wish I had a ****ing counselor. I can swallow it without because that’s America for those without insurance. It was not an emo affair either. Neither the ex or I enjoyed the last months of worry, heartache or abuse. Thinking your loved one may off themselves any given day.

[darkmoon]

your job is now to make such a fuss of your girlfriend that she knows for sure that you are sorry ... just block the ex and forget it ... you say "controlled" like she can be out of control too, perhaps she wants you to acknowledge that she is improving

[jotyhen78]

All y’all can do is guess! I am old enough to know right from wrong and old enough to know I am NOT kidding myself. “We all do it” not me. I look **** in the eye. I knew I should tell her. But I knew even better that she was standing on the cliffs edge already. Dunno if you have ever been there? I wouldn’t guess. That’s for sure. I have to stop ranting because I haven’t slept for 32hrs. Not an exaggeration... but I recon my thoughts are gonna started getting a bit disconnected here soon so... gonna lay it down. I hope u don’t guess what will happen next. I’m telling you. Sleep for three hours then work. Then I will try to make sure she doesn’t try to kill herself again. Thanks for the good vibes. Thanks for the good advice. I think there was a little in there.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's the self-righteous attitude exhibited throughout this thread that got you into trouble with your girlfriend in the first place, OP.

 

And it's what will ultimately keep you from making positive changes.

[Orokotikki]

"Then I will try to make sure she doesn’t try to kill herself again."

If this is really the case, you should be calling 911 now, not after she swallows a bunch of pills.

[d0nnivain]

You misused the word reconciliation. You admitted that in a later post.

 

When I read that word, I took it at face value & thought you were talking to your EX behind your GF's back, trying to get back together with the EX while your GF was in the hospital. That is what the word reconcile means. That behavior smacks of double dealing & is bad.

 

You later clarified that you meant clear the air & put the past behind you & the EX. That is a good thing, not a breach of trust.

 

I get that you were off balance & you don't know how to handle your GFs suicide attempts & all her issues that lead up to those choices. You saw your EX as somebody who had been there who could give you insight. Unfortunately given that she is an EX, telling her of all people your GF's secrets was a breach of trust. You chose your confidant / sounding board poorly.

 

Any time EXs are in the picture things get messy. You weren't out of that relationship for long when you began dating your GF. You hadn't healed or processed. Your GF probably started out as a rebound which is not a great beginning. It's lovely that you got yourself sorted but while your GF is struggling with all she's going through, she's not going to appreciate the nuances. All she is going to be able to see is that an EX is around & the EX's presence screams danger in glaring red neon accompanied by wailing claxons. Do you understand your GF's POV on this?

[Lotsgoingon]

I'll defend you brother. I think it's OK that you talked to your ex because you are in an emergency-crisis mode with current gf.

 

I've been there--been partnered with someone threatening suicide and stuck in depression. If you're a partner, you're lost ... You will call anyone to ask for help or just for a sanity check. And it makes total sense to reach out to an ex with some experience and someone with whom you had (and still have) a bond. Sometimes we don't have a lot of people with whom we can get deeply vulnerable and emotional with--an ex is often a person with whom we've been vulnerable and deep ... and so they can be a great resource.

 

The other posters here point out the risk of reaching out to an ex. But in my view, they miss how dire and urgent the crisis is that you're in right now with a hospitalized, depressed gf--who of all things is lashing out at you.

 

But ... here's my issue brother. I encourage you to go therapy yourself--because it is very destructive and unhealthy to be partnered with someone with serious depression and who is threatening suicide.

 

What can happen is what happened here: you sought some sanity and support and you're care-taking gf and being loving and patient ... she sees one message and berates you ... tries to make you feel like dirt. That's a consequence of dating someone who is not ready to date.

 

I've been depressed. Depression runs in my family. I have a lot of friends who have suffered depression. Take it from me: you cannot "love" someone out of depression. You can't. In bad depression, the person is almost immune to feeling loved--no matter how caring the other person is.

 

And as a partner, you risk being a victim of death threats. Right now, watch out for your gf threatening to harm herself if you don't act right. Very destructive and impossible to make good decisions when someone threatens you. Totally not fair to you ... though likely you'll feel guilty ...

 

So her outburst today--dude, you didn't cause that. Depressed people can turn any kind of event into a negative.

 

Seriously, I would consider therapy yourself for help with the present situation and for deeper help. Dude, in order to date a really depressed person, you ignored a lot of ten-foot-high, red and blue, screaming warning signs-- indicating danger ahead, your gf isn't psychologically healthy. Yes, sometimes depression suddenly appears. But I sense with your gf, it's been there all along. So now you're with her ... and she's going to threaten to harm herself if you keep the slightest distance.

 

To be clear, you want to have compassion for people with serious depression. But you don't want to date them. Be their friend. That's what they need. Dating overwhelms their already fragile system of coping.

 

I assume she's on meds and in therapy. How open is she about meds and therapy? Is she trying out different therapists? The worst is a depressed person resisting treatment. My heart goes out to you brother. Sounds like ex gave you a nice lifeline of support.

 

And you were right to not share this with your current gf--because she would have freaked and attacked you as she did later--without helping you find another source of support and insight. That's the maddening conundrum of dating someone severely depressed. Damned and accused if you do x. Damned and accused if you do Y.

Edited June 12, 2019 by Lotsgoingon

[jotyhen78]

Lotsgoingon

 

Thank you! Really good insight. Keeping all that in forefront of mind ??

[LivingWaterPlease]

jotyhen78, you are under way too much pressure with trying to carry the responsibility of keeping your gf alive and also working as much as you are and not getting your sleep. It's a recipe for disaster.

 

I'm more concerned about you than I am your gf.

 

In reading your posts it seemed to me there are many places where you contradicted yourself. I'm not going to cite them because I don't think you meant to contradict yourself, but my point in telling you this is because I believe you're so tired you're not expressing yourself as well as you're able to when you've gotten enough sleep and aren't so stressed out.

 

Is there anyone else in your gf's life who can take some of the burden of caring for her off of you? You shouldn't be having to carry this burden. It's too much responsibility for anyone.

 

Also, why aren't you getting your sleep? Is it because of your work schedule? Is this your ordinary pattern, not getting sleep? That alone can make a person feel overwhelmed, even when things are going good.

 

Take care of YOURSELF, OP!

[jotyhen78]

LivingWaterPlease

Thank you for your concern, if it had not been for my time as a paratrooper the sleep deprivation would have definitely gotten to me in the last day. To answer your questions, I was of the impression that the definition of reconciliation did not mean that myself and my ex n I were going to be rekindling the relationship in anyway; just that we had come to understand the differences in perspective and problems that had arisen in our relationship. It seems that people utilizing this forum believe otherwise and that reconciliation means the ex and I were getting back together, that was certainly not the case. the morning of the big mess I had a horrible toothache which kept me up a good chunk of the night. I got up at 5:30 AM to get things ready to take her to work At 6:30 AM once home I had things to take care of for my business as a soul proprietor which unfortunately leaves me with a little help. I got off work at 10 PM just in time to have the critical conversation with my GF that lasted till 2:30 AM at which time I was in unable to sleep, was spinning about the situation and began to write this post. At 5:30 AM I got up to make breakfast and get her to work again as usual. she slept till 630 understandably. By the time I arrived home I was a candle burning in the middle and lit from both ends, my communication may have faltered a bit at the end of my post, thankfully I finally got some rest. As for someone else being able to help. Her 2 1/2 sisters live in the Philippines, a 1/2 brother is in east Africa,father in Hawaii. The first time she was hospitalized I tried to contact him four times with no response. When she came home she sent him a message saying she was home and ok. His response was “good”. Her mother died when she was 21, this is certainly a part of her struggle. She fled the pnw to lets say “here” from an abusive relationship that had landed her in the hospital. We met via craigslist when she rented a room in my building. She has zero real friends here. She moved from Florida years ago and has friends there but they all seem to be toxic. So no, she has nobody. She is going to counseling, taking meds, and trundling through methodically. Certainly not excited to be in the process of dealing with past traumas much of the time. Being here has been something of a fresh start with a clean slate. Yet when you are trying to leave behind years of abuse and trauma and loss it is hard to do much. Especially if every week you have to go to talk about that stuff with someone. It’s like ripping off a big scab that is not ready to be removed; blood everywhere. Then there are the other triggers that I have become all to aware of, holidays, birthdays, crowds, certain types of conversations. It is just one thing after another. I am starting to see the red flags and certainly am looking forward to plan exit strategy for us to not be around for some of those trigger opportunities. As an update. Today went much better than I expected and I will sleep well tonight. Love is real. Thank you to all here in the forum that commented and caring. I will continue to visit for the positive insight. ??

[OatsAndHall]

Look, I get it; things with your girlfriend are extremely stressful and you found some comfort in talking to someone your ex, an individual who knows you and that you're close with. You had no malicious intent, you weren't screwing around; you just felt some relief from the situation.

 

 

 

With that being said, this is a perfect example of why exes need to stay exes. You got some temporary respite with your ex at the expense of a putting strain on your already tumultuous relationship. Your gf is in a difficult spot right now and talking to your ex about anything was bound to make it worse.

 

 

Even when things are going well in a relationship, talking to exes puts a strain on things, regardless of the intent. When things are difficult in a relationship, contact with exes just adds fuel to the fire.