Was I inept with this.

[Foxhall]

. There is some subconscious fear of actually being vulnerable. Not sure what your childhood was like but just food for thought.

 

yes no harm in showing vulnerability,

 

Im just thinking any of my previous girlfriends, or indeed women I get on well with they have all had a little vulnerability

 

if people can show vulnerability it helps build a connection,

 

the general consensus would be that a man must show a strong confident image at all times to women, however as you say a light heartedness, sense of humour is very important.

 

Also a guy showing vulnerability may not be as much of a turn off as people think, if you meet the right girl it can form the basis of building rapport,showing vulnerability in a positive light though and not whining or complaining

 

OP I think you are reluctant to look for a less confident woman, from less affluent countries, very beautiful women who may have nicer personalities than the type of girls you are meeting,

 

Its not working for you at the moment so you have to vary your approach.

[ZA Dater]

I don’t know what he looks like but reading his posts his problem isn’t physical it’s how he interacts with these women.

 

To some extent I think its both but its mostly a complete gulf of there being any sort of connection at all. There very, very rarely is any sort of connection.

 

The only thing that really keeps me going is I have had glimpses of how nice it could potentially be so those ideas are foremost in my mind so when I sit down with someone and within 30 min I am not feeling any sort of connection I know I wont ever feel any connection with that person, when I get to that point it just becomes an exercise in self marketing and trying all the lovely advice I get on this forum.

 

Sure, people here say I should exude warmth and humour but should women not do the same? Or is it my sole responsibility?

 

The irony is all the good experiences I have had were friend zoned experiences so ultimately I think I get a lot more out of those experiences.

Edited June 18, 2019 by ZA Dater

[jspice]

 

The irony is all the good experiences I have had were friend zoned experiences so ultimately I think I get a lot more out of those experiences.

 

This isn’t a connection. A connection by its very nature, happens between two people.

Is it really a good experience of the other person feels nothing for you? This connection is in your head, if this is something that happens multiple times, which it seems is the case from this post.

[basil67]

Sure, people here say I should exude warmth and humour but should women not do the same? Or is it my sole responsibility?

 

If there's no connection, then it's extremely difficult to exude warmth and humour....either on your side or theirs. It's just awkward and weird till the meeting ends. As far as building the connection and warmth concurrently - it relies on both parties having good social skills and a genuine interest in the other.

[elaine567]

Sure, people here say I should exude warmth and humour but should women not do the same? Or is it my sole responsibility?

 

It is all about mirroring.

Women still in our society take a lot of cues from men.

 

She smiles, She gets a big open smile back, so she knows she is safe.

She says something, She gets a positive reaction, she keeps speaking.

 

If she smiles and get a guarded response, an awkward smile, a smirk, a grunt, or her smile is frankly ignored she feels bad.

She says something, it does not get a positive reaction or much of a reaction at all, she stop speaking.

 

Women in service industries or anyone else who deals with the public, tend to develop strategies for getting the best out of people, no matter how difficult or awkward they are. Some women are also naturals, but for your average woman she needs to be getting back what she is giving out and if she senses she is dealing with "not easy", she will often just withdraw and not even bother.

[ZA Dater]

If she smiles and get a guarded response, an awkward smile, a smirk, a grunt, or her smile is frankly ignored she feels bad.

She says something, it does not get a positive reaction or much of a reaction at all, she stop speaking.

 

Women in service industries or anyone else who deals with the public, tend to develop strategies for getting the best out of people, no matter how difficult or awkward they are.

 

Well this being true I'd better not even bother! I tend to work in the reverse and if I am getting a positive reaction I then give one, if not well I revert to interview mode and hope the time passes quickly.

 

The latter part explains why I get along with certain people better than others and they are always in "people" industries. Would also explain my attraction to people in marketing and the yoga instructor.

 

Yes in the case of the latter I was a convenient friend to have (her in a new city on holiday) but she did make me think about things a bit more than usual and I did have enjoy spending time with her.

Edited June 18, 2019 by ZA Dater

[ZA Dater]

It's just awkward and weird till the meeting ends. As far as building the connection and warmth concurrently - it relies on both parties having good social skills and a genuine interest in the other.

 

 

 

This gold because it is very, very true. So many dates I have been on were like the above. In fact I'd guess probably 99% of them were like that.

[ZA Dater]

Is it really a good experience of the other person feels nothing for you?

 

In my view yes. If I can enjoy spending time with the person I don't really care if they feel nothing for me. Its a far preferable situation of having someone find me attractive who I don't find attractive at all. If nothing else I have learnt to compromise and the former is a better compromise for me than the latter.

 

Somehow I need to work with what I have and find enough of what I like even if its heavily compromised. Sure, could I be more confident, maybe, could I try to be warmer, maybe but that doesn't get past the fact I am not meeting people I feel it is worth me raising my game for, which I guess sounds arrogant but its not meant to be. In the past I have met people I really like so I know they are out there but very unattainable so either I try like what I don't like or I keep chasing the unattainable with the view I may get one or two good experiences along the way which are really great but ultimately I wont ever get the full experience.

 

I need to find a way of getting more of those great small experiences.

[NuevoYorko]

Sure, people here say I should exude warmth and humour but should women not do the same? Or is it my sole responsibility?

 

Sheesh bro, would you quit with this?

 

Women you meet have zero responsibilities to you beyond basic common courtesy. If they were interested in you they would show it. They're not.

 

If any of those women are posting on LS repeatedly about the inadequacy of 99.9 % of the men she meets and how it has nothing to do with anything besides her "inexperience," sure. She'd get the same kind of advice you are, with additional prodding about her physical attributes.

[elaine567]

Well this being true I'd better not even bother! I tend to work in the reverse and if I am getting a positive reaction I then give one, if not well I revert to interview mode and hope the time passes quickly.

 

She went on a date with you, you are thus one up to begin with, so are you a man or a mouse?

[ZA Dater]

She went on a date with you, you are thus one up to begin with, so are you a man or a mouse?

 

Did I really want to go on a date with her or did I do it out of "well maybe she is better in person, maybe she is really dynamic, really she might be interesting". The latter is true of the vast majority of dates I have been on.

 

Who knows maybe she had nothing better to do? Cant say I have ever seen much enthusiasm from many of the dates I have been on, even the ones where I showed enthusiasm and yes I could tell within 5 minutes if it was going to "work" and I am sure so could they.

 

Who knows why they go on dates with me. Boredom perhaps. I have given up trying to understand what dating is and rather just accepted I either completely change everything about me, which being 35 is unlikely as I am as stubborn as a donkey and some people might say I look like one too. Mostly I don't have a heck of a lot of motivation to change, yoga girl was great I could be me and get out from under my shell for a bit there was no spectre f judgement but woe be me if I were ever to be that person on a date...the whole thing would fall apart like a china bowl flung to the 20th story of an apartment building. Why, I have gone to dates as me, forthright and honest and well it doesn't really go down well, perhaps a bit like a piece of not so well cooked food. So instead I am forced to re invent myself with each date, don my clown mask and parade around as if in a circus ring, hoping that this act might work on the crowd and I get some attention.

 

The problem is this act becomes tiring and the cost benefit analysis is severely not in my favour, no that loud mouth drinking guys at the bar, that athletic brunette will always gravitate there as if drawn by the promise of a class of Dom and a good time later, the subject of his attention and his fake charm worn much like a wig.

 

I have a choice, go average, stay home, go out and pretend I can get more than average. No date is a waste of time, much like no dinner is a waste of time for I have been fortunate to meet enough people to know the people I absolutely have no interest in but when all is said and all is done dating is like commerce, the best shares sell fastest, the hold value the best and everyone wants them. The rest well, we try emulate that, we hope for a few good times, a vicarious dinner here, a fanciful lunch there and perhaps the odd bit of great affection.

 

The greatest gift we all have is hope and I haven't lost it completely but its tempered with cold reality, its much like standing in the sun on a cold winters day, you see the sun yet its warmth is not quite as great as you expect it to be. That's dating for me, never quite as great as I expect it to be.