Please Help

[wanting2change]

I don't know how to begin so let me first give a quick description of me and my wife's history. My wife and I met a little over 4 years ago. We began dating and then got engaged a year after we met. Then, we were married the following year. My wife and I literally have almost everything in common. We are the couple that all of our friends envy as having "the perfect relationship."

 

Last Sunday I arrived back home to my wife after being gone over the weekend at a bachelor party. As we were talking she asked me if I had ever cheated on her. The answer was yes in my mind and she had asked me before but I still could not bring myself to tell her. She proceded to tell me about a video tape that she found of me and my best friend playing drinking games. The date and time stamp on the tape was several weeks after we began dating. We began talking about it and I confessed to her the other things I had done. She knew of the two instances on the tape and I also admitted to her that I had seen an ex several times two months before we got engaged. I admitted that my ex had given me oral sex but that I never slept with her. Furthermore, I admitted to her that I slept with someone at my bachelor party. I also admitted that my ex (same from above) had text messaged me and that we had briefly spoken. Then, in the past several months I admitted I had allowed myself to get into two situations where a friend of mine who I have had a history with (never slept with but kissed during college and before dating my wife) had got breast implants and was asked by her to feel them to see how real they felt. I did reluctantly and admitted this to my wife. In addition, while hugging my friend goodbye the edges of our mouths brushed as we bumped faces and even though there was no kissing initiated by myself or my friend I admitted this as well to my wife. Last month I attended a bachelor party in Las Vegas and while out one of the nights had a very attractive girl hit on me but declined. Furthermore, this past weekend at the most recent bachelor party I attended had a girl make it apparent that she wanted to go home with me. I had no intentions of going home with this girl and declined. Unfortunately, I had let myself get into a bad situation by dancing with her which led to her trying to kiss me. I pulled away when she did this and got away from her immediately.

 

After admitting all of this to my wife we had some very difficult conversations and late hours trying to decifer all of this. My wife is honestly the most important person in my life and I am nothing without her. For me to think how and why I had done all of this to someone I cared so much about was appaling. My wife is the nicest, most caring individual I have ever known and would and has done anything for me. It literally makes me sick to think what I have done. We talked many hours and I told her I would do anything I had to do to be the person she thought she married. We talked about counceling, going back to church, admitting my actions to our friends and I said I would do whatever it took.

 

My wife stated she wanted to make this work and we had a couple of better days. My wife has also subscribed to a site similar to this and has received some positive feedback from individuals in similar situations. One suggestion she received from someone was to have me allow her to look at all of my computer files, phone records, etc. which I gladly allowed her to do. She asked if there was anything surprising that she might find and I told her that there were conversations with my friend (that had breast implants from above). We went through my phone and my wife looked through all of the records and found all of the conversations I had had with my friend. After all of this my wife asked if there were any other numbers she should be concerned about specifically my ex. I had told her she had contacted me twice (about 6 months apart) and that we had a couple conversations. We went through the records and found my ex's number and there were several more conversations than I had told my wife about previously. Out of these conversations, there were two that were almost an hour long. During the first contact my ex and I had, we honestly spoke about how she was married and how I was married and how good things were going. During the second contact with my ex, the other long conversation was about my ex's recent miscarriage and the loss of her pet. I should have brought these conversations up to my wife previously and I honestly did not try to mislead my wife about these conversations as I am not wanting to hide anything more from her. Furthermore, my wife has the phone records in front of her so why would I lie then. Through looking at these records and walking through each conversation with my wife I remembered during one of the last conversations that my ex was at a store along the way to my work and had asked me to stop by. I reluctantly stopped by and we spoke for just a few minutes. Nothing happened nor did I even want anything to happen with her. Our conversations stopped right after that and I have not spoken to my ex anymore (this has been 4 months).

 

Just as my wife and I had been doing better the past few days I have taken us in a backward step by lying by omission and have again jeopardized losing her. I know nothing happened with my ex during these conversations and meeting but how can I expect my wife to believe me? I literally break down each time I think of how I know I am a changed man and how much I want to prove this to my wife given the chance. I know I have brought so much pain and suffering to my wife that she never deserved, that no one ever deserves and I have to live with myself and the fact that she has to live with that pain for the rest of her life. I want desperately to get through this with my wife and prove to her every second of everyday that I will never, ever hurt her again. These words probably mean nothing to most of you out there but for me to think of my life without her is unimaginable. I know I should have been thinking this when I was committing these horrible acts or on my wedding day when I said my vows but I feel like all I can do now is prove to my loving wife how much I love her by doing anything to save our marriage. I will do this for the rest of our lives together. I will literally do anything she asks to save our marriage. I guess what I am asking from anyone reading this is this, has anyone been in somewhat of a similar situation where you and your spouse have made it through and are now back in a happy relationship or on the road to healing? My wife and I have also determined that I have a problem with lying. Has anyone had problems with lying and have had success fixing it. I will treasure any advice as I will do anything to save my marriage. I know people say once a cheater always a cheater but given the good grace of God and my wife I want to prove to her everyday that that is untrue.

 

I am sorry for writing so much and I could have written so much more as I will do anything to save my marriage and prove to my wife that I can and have changed. Please help.

[Ladyjane14]

My wife has also subscribed to a site similar to this and has received some positive feedback from individuals in similar situations.

 

"A site similar to this one" is pretty much....THIS ONE.

 

See, at the Infidelity forum: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t71205/

 

and: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t71349/

 

My suggestion to you is to STOP going to bachelor parties for one thing. You seem to be having an inordinate amount of trouble participating in activities where alcohol and loose women are present.

 

The advice your wife has received is appropriate. You've given her adequate cause for doubt, so now....you'll need to prove yourself.

 

Your "friend", who has sadly experienced a miscarriage and the loss of a beloved pet, needs to be relying on her emotional support network. When you are fulfilling the ENs (emotional needs) of a woman who is NOT your wife, you are crossing a line that should not be crossed be a married man.

 

The thing to do now is to distance yourself from your "friend", and to spend time in reassuring your wife that you understand her POV. Marriage counseling would be beneficial in rebuilding trust and communications. If not that, then at least make a good study of the marital relationship. There are many excellent books on the market.

 

There's an interesting article at marriagebuilders called "Why Women Leave Men". The gist of it is that women want to be included in EVERY room of your 'house'. It's what makes them feel that you are really sharing all the aspects of your life in true partnership. Good reading if you're willing to google for it.

[wanting2change]

Yes I know. I have already agreed to not going to anymore bachelor parties. In fact, my best friend that has not been a good influence on me has not got married yet and I have already stated to my wife that I will not be going to his bachelor party. I in no way want to be involved in anything like that. Furthermore, I have agreed with my wife to notify her immediately if I receive a phone call, voicemail, text message anything from anyone that a married man should not be talking to and that I will not return the call. I am very serious about these agreements.

[Ladyjane14]

It shouldn't be a case of NEVER being allowed to speak to other women. It's more a matter of NOT crossing the boundaries.

 

It's for you and your wife to decide what is acceptable contact with persons of the opposite sex and what is not. Usually, if you use the litmus test of what you, yourself, would be comfortable with, if the shoe were on the other foot....then you're in fairly safe waters. If, for example, you would be uncomfortable with your wife having a series of intimate conversations with a male friend regarding her personal problems....then respect that she probably has similar feelings about YOU.

 

And be aware that ANY TIME you are actively hiding contact with an opposite sex friend, or saying things that you would not comfortably say in front of your spouse....you're crossing the line.

 

It's a marriage, not a jail. You just have to apply the Golden Rule, and treat your partner like you want to be treated.