Female friendship was great; things have changed

[salparadise]

I've become good friends with a woman I initially met on a dating site several years ago. We had a date (meet & greet) but then didn't pursue it. At some point prior to my last relationship we got together as friends and cooked a time or two (her suggestion). We were out of touch completely for a couple of years while I was with my previous partner. She was dating but don't think she ever got serious with anyone.

 

About a year ago we began bumping into each other fairly often (small community) and started going to a small local brewery for a beer occasionally. We'd talk freely about the frustrations of dating and being single, families, work, life... as friends. She's a person of good character, integrity, reliable but not evolved in the way seek in a dating partner, and the physical attraction isn't there either. But she has all the qualities of a good friend, especially given that I have been single for awhile now (her too) and need to be social and have more than superficial interactions from time to time.

 

So the friendship grew stronger and I have taken quite a bit of satisfaction just knowing that I am connected to someone I can count on, talk to, share a beer or a meal with. We have told dating stories and laughed at each other's online escapades. About a month ago I texted her and said "when it rains it pours –– 4 on the line all at once after a few months of nothing." Well, she went into this thing about how she was going to lose me. I said, "no you're not and no need to be so dramatic." She got upset because of the word dramatic. Apparently it's a loaded word for her, but I meant nothing by it. I gave her a day to cool down and apologized, and assured her that I wasn't going to be a fair weather friend. She continued to analyze and access what it all meant and why she was so upset. At some point it occurred to me that she seemed to be acting jealous.

 

Today she texted and said she's sending an email (we never emailed) and that I should have a shot of tequila before sitting down to read it. It was a two-page, single spaced word doc... yup, I'm sure you've guessed by now. She went on at length about how she has developed feelings (even though I've done nothing to encourage it). Apparently she had been repressing it until the text I sent (when it rains it pours), but now it's out in the open for her, and as of today for me as well.

 

I don't know what to do now. I just don't feel the attraction or chemistry. She seems almost like a guy buddy to me. Apparently she doesn't know how to handle it either. She was considered very attractive back in the day (homecoming queen and all of that) and men have always tried to get with her. That's the dynamic she's always known, and she doesn't understand why I never tried.

 

Anyway, I'm afraid I've lost another good friend. I don't see how we can continue as we have with this out in the open, even if she wanted to. And keeping company is going to keep her stuck, so not fair to her. I wonder if there's any chance it will just pass.

 

It's also frustrating that women I am not interested in romantically fall in love (2nd within a year) but the ones I am interested in (when I find one, which isn't often) are so elusive.

[chillii]

Sorry to say but saw that one coming at the title. This is why whenever l see stuff about friends and what's wrong with that, it's well , there's nothing wrong with it but it sadly just always seems to get complicated.

Unfortunately been there a few times through life for me and l'd hoped for a life long friend but similar things happened eventually one way or another.

l went into the nitty gritty here but didn't like it so l zapped that bit. l'll will just say though sadly it's been the end of the road each time. Things have just gotten uncomfortable and l've tried to save the friendships but it just didn't wanna happen.

Edited June 13, 2019 by chillii

[preraph]

Sorry it worked out that way. You're just going to have to tell her that you view her as a buddy and just don't feel a romantic spark. I don't see how you can keep being friends if she's going to be emotional and hoping for more.

[The Outlaw]

It isn't over yet. If you want to preserve the friendship you have with her without her feelings getting in the way, talk to her about it. If she can accept it, great. If not, all you can do is move on. Just don't throw in the towel yet.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I was in a similar position with someone (from her prospective) but without feelings.

 

 

Maybe it's not just her feelings. In my case a guy friend got into a relationship and went off the grid for 3 years. I didn't hear anything from him. Then when his relationship was ending, he started texting me all the time. When it ended, he would tell me about his tinder dates constantly. We met up for drinks few times and he tried to get me to go home with him and convert me into a FWB. I wasn't into that. Anyway the whole friendship was him using me for emotional support until he got the next gf and disappeared again. I also got bored of tinder and dating stories. I lost interest in dating completely and he was obsessed with it. He liked to brag about having all these women after him (yet nothing stuck) and that just annoyed me. One day I decided to block him on all platforms. That was 4 months ago and we never talked again.

 

 

Maybe your friend is also bored of dating stories, annoyed about bragging and/or is feeling used?

[Gretchen12]

Well, I guess you know the friendship is over and done.

 

The fact that she sent you that letter means she still believed you might read it and start dating her. That's what confessions of feelings are always intended to do.

 

Sometimes a woman can make excuses for the man, such as "he is too shy", "he is afraid of I'll reject him", "he is not in touch with his feelings". Women do that to their own detriment. Fact is, if a man was interested, no matter the obstacles, a woman would never end up having to write that letter.

 

You'd better cut off all contact. It doesn't work.

[mark clemson]

Consider trying it (a R) with her. Your feelings might change. If not, then you know to end it. Sounds like that would happen anyhow, so you might as well try the R route.

[salparadise]

@mark clemson Nope, that ain't happening. She and I do not operate on the same wavelength, and there's no physical attraction on my end either. No point in going into detail, but all the same reasons I never tried to date her stilly apply.

 

I sent her a text (two days after the letter) saying the I was flattered and respectful, but sad that we would no longer be beer drinking buddies. She replied with another tome that I sort of skimmed. She understands.

 

So I guess I'm in the market for someone to hang out with occasionally. Of course I'd really prefer someone who is on my wavelength, and rings my bell, for obvious reasons. This was a nice little diversion, and I'll still keep her in the friend category, but alas another data point in the 'can men and women be friends' debate.

[littleblackheart]

You kind of have to leave it up to her how she wants to play it. It's totally out if your control at this point.

 

She may still come back to you in a friend capacy once she's dealt with how she's feeling in her own time. Maybe it was a weak moment on her part and the friendship means something to her in the end? If you're both mature about it, there's no reason it has to change anything (not now obviously - after some time has passed).

 

I had that happen to me in my youth and I handled it very immaturely in hindsight . I basically initiated cutting contact without hesitation on the basis that I felt 'betrayed' and 'played' as a friend (I have strict boundaries, bc I can only deal with clear-cut friendship / no friendship). That was way too harsh, I know that now.

 

As far as the male / female friendship debate goes, my longest friendship with a man is 20 years old; he's not my type (no-one really is, tbf) and I'm not his. It happens.

[chillii]

Sorry to say but in my experiences and that's happened a few times , once the cats out of the bag then understandably that's been that.

[spiderowl]

I think this friendship is pretty much gone now. One of you developed feelings. I do understand how this situation can happen because I think I am inadvertently heading into the same kind of situation. I am going to back off and spend less time with the guy because I do not want it to turn into a romance and I sense he does.

 

Maybe you were a bit naive in thinking that you could have this kind of friendship? It would be nice to think men and women could be 'mates' but I don't know of many situations like that that have worked out. I am not saying it is not possible though.

 

Just a comment on the word 'dramatic'. I am not surprised she was upset at that. It is quite denigrating, suggesting that someone is being dramatic. How would you feel if someone said that to you?

[salparadise]

Maybe you were a bit naive in thinking that you could have this kind of friendship? It would be nice to think men and women could be 'mates' but I don't know of many situations like that that have worked out. I am not saying it is not possible though.

 

I agree completely, although I don't think I was naive. I realized that it's possible but usually does not work out. She was the initiator and the one who kept it going for the most part. In the beginning she'd use "as friends" when she asked me to do something with her.

 

In hindsight I think she was hoping I'd start pursuing all along. She is traditional that way, and apparently is used to men pursuing with her only having to decide whose advances to accept. The fact that I didn't, despite her opening the door as wide as was appropriate in her mind, was confusing and frustrating. Then the old wanting-what-you-can't-have dynamic put her over the edge.

 

Just a comment on the word 'dramatic'. I am not surprised she was upset at that. It is quite denigrating, suggesting that someone is being dramatic. How would you feel if someone said that to you?

 

I wouldn't attribute that much negativity to it. In hindsight I understand that it's a loaded word for some, especially if they might be a bit insecure. There are different shades of meaning... the milder is exaggerated or vigorous, as one might describe an event or performance. The other is histrionic, and this context would understandably be more upsetting, esp. to a woman.

 

So she just took it and amplified it to the maximum. But... remember, this was after she had reacted strongly to me saying that I had several hits on the dating apps. It was an emotional reaction. But I also see how that wasn't a good choice of words.