Experiencing retroactive jealousy and urge to sow wild oats

[Zimmermann]

Hello all,

 

 

I (M24) have been with my gf (26) for about 9 months now. I have been suffering from pretty severe retroactive jealousy for a couple of months. I posted another thread about it here a month ago if you want to see more details.

 

 

 

Now, I feel like i'm starting to get over it little by little. I have realized that my gf's past actually doesn't mean that much even though i'm not happy with it. I also realized that the problem is most likely my own inexperience when it comes to dating and sex. She was basically my first of everything.

 

 

So the problem now for me seems to be that I have huge regrets not pursuing dating and sex earlier in my life. I feel like i've missed out on alot. Lately, i have been feeling like i need to sow my wild oats and get more experiences before I commit to one person. Now i'm also asking myself why did I want to establish a relationship in the first place, but i have really started experiencing these feelings when I started battling the retroactive jealousy thing. Everytime I think of her past it reminds me that i have none, and vice versa. And I can tell you that the difference between us in this sense is huge. I could deal with her past or my inexperience alone but together i feel like there is just too big of an imbalance. It really sucks, believe me. I feel like I won't become a whole person if i don't get back some of the years I've "lost" by going out there and playing the field when i still have the chance. I don't want to live with those regrets for the rest of my life.

 

 

Unfortunately, this seems like something i can't talk about with my gf even though she knows i'm not exactly happy about the things she has done. She also knows about my regrets of not having previous experience. Any advice or opinions someone could give on how to approach this.

[ExpatInItaly]

If you're feeling the urge to explore this strongly, it probably isn't the right time to be in a relationship. It is better to be single if you truly feel you are missing out by being in a relationship.

 

Understand a couple things, though:

 

1) sowing wild oats doesn't always happen as easily as one hopes. Or as frequently. You might hook up a lot, or you might have only random one-nighters every so often. There might be months at a time when you see zero action. Or experience rejection. There's no telling how it will go until you're actually out there exploring, so keep your expectations in check.

 

2) talking to your girlfriend again about your desire to explore will likely spell the end of the relationship. Nobody wants to hear that their partner wants to date around and sleep with other girls, so don't expect her to be overly compassionate if you decide to confess this to her. She will likely not want to see you anymore; don't go into such a conversation thinking that she will want to stand by you while you figure this out.

[d0nnivain]

If you want to go sow wild oats before you settle down, go do it.

 

Understand the old saying a Bird in the hand is worth 2 in the bush. You are going to throw over your GF (a sure thing) for the idea that other women will be attracted enough to you to enable you to play around & have these wild experiences. If that was true, at 24 you should have already had those experiences from 17/18 until now & by 24 you should be growing weary of the game & be looking to settle down. You probably aren't going to be happy playing the field. It's hard work; it's expensive; & it's lonely once college is over.

[Flame Aura]

If that's how you feel, you need to end things and be single as those feelings will not go away.

[smackie9]

The grass isn't always greener. IMO you got lucky with this girl. I have seen this before, where an inexperienced guy gets this over inflated idea he can just go out and have lots of women, after one gave him a taste. You will most likely be disappointed by your progress.

[central]

I get that you are torn. You may get over the retroactive jealousy, but may always wonder what might have been if you'd gained other sexual experiences. It's both very fortunate and unfortunate that your first partner is so good.

 

There is no good answer. Of course, things used to be that your first sexual partner was the person you married, and it often stayed that way for life. Many were happy, too.

 

In all this, do you know what she's thinking? Does SHE want a future with you? Or does she have doubts or concerns that will eventually convince her to move on even if you don't?

 

There are only limited ways that you can stay together AND get more sexual experience, and of course it may not even be something either of you could consider, much less do. One way is to join the swinger community, at least for a while, and find other couples to swap partners and have sex for a few hours. No strings, no attachments, just physical exploration and pleasure. Of course this means she will also get more experience, but you'll no longer wonder what you may have missed.

[Lotsgoingon]

You might not have the self-confidence required to date a woman who has a much more experienced sex life than you do.

 

That's not a putdown, so much as a direct observation. In order for you to be secure in this relationship, you have to know that you are fine are you are, and you've got to be able to celebrate that this woman is now with you! She's the most mature and aware she's ever been in her life and she's with you. If that doesn't calm your nerves, you can't embrace that and feel it, then this may simply not work.

 

There's another possibility. Sometimes if the sex with an experienced person is sorta mediocre ... then of course your mind (the mind of the inexperienced one) will wander to the past and imagine your partner doing all kinds of of exuberant kink. The problem really is that you're not feeling a passionate sexual connection with her ... and instead of facing it ... you get "retroactively" jealous.

 

Don't torture yourself about being tortured. Just treat yourself well and own up to the reality that this relationship doesn't make you feel secure.

[BaileyB]

Whether you will be successful in dating is anyone’s guess. It’s the risk you take, if you decide to sow some wild oats. Perhaps, you will have the confidence/experience that will appeal to women. Perhaps, you don’t.

 

Perhaps, you will spend the rest of your life bemoaning “the one that got away...”

 

Regardless, staying in a relationship when you feel like you have settled/missed out is a recipe for regret and future unhappiness. So, if you truly feel like you will not be able to reconcile these urges, the fair thing to do is to end the relationship.

 

Have you considered counselling OP? It seems to me that you still have some maturing to do, and a lot to learn about life and relationships. Counselling may help to make your path more clear...

Edited June 22, 2019 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

One thing to consider - it’s easy to date when you are in your young twenties. You are going to school, you have lots of friends, there are many opportunities to gather and meet new people. It starts to change in your mid-late 20’s. People are busy with work. Your social circle starts to shrink. People start to pair off and get married/have children. The “good ones” are taken by other men who are not so foolish as to give up a good thing to go chasing adventure...

 

Not saying it couldn’t be what you want it to be, that this is the age when times - but are a changing. If you think there are going to be a bunch of women who are just waiting for the opportunity to have sex with you... you are likely to be sadly mistaken. Women of this age are more likely busy starting their careers, thinking about settling down/buying a home with their partners, getting married and having children.

 

You would need to date younger. How are you planning to meet these women?

Edited June 22, 2019 by BaileyB

[Zimmermann]

I feel exactly like i still have some maturing to do. Thats why i think i cant be happy in this relationship in the long run and thats why it is better to end it now.

 

Im not expecting to sleep with a bunch of women. That is just not me but to me the idea of settling down with the first person i have been with seems somehow impossible, especially regarding her past.

 

I have tried counsellng and afterwards my mind has been more towards ending the relationship.

[elaine567]

No relationships before you were 23?

Was there a reason for that?

[BaileyB]

the idea of settling down with the first person i have been with seems somehow impossible, especially regarding her past.

 

Many of my friends have happily married people they dated in high school and university. Many were their first relationship partner. It can be done, but if you feel that it’s not meant to be, then it’s not meant to be.

 

You realize of course that the next woman you date is also going to have a past. Probably more of a past than your current girlfriend...

[Zimmermann]

I didnt have relationships before 24 because of many reasons. I have always been kind of a lone wolf so i havent really had a social circle (or life at all) and i have never been into partying or student life. I have been focusing (maybe too much) on studying, playing sports and developing myself. I didnt really pursue relationships for many years, which i now feel like i should have done.

 

And BaileyB, i have now one year left in university so now i would still have the possibility to enjoy life without too many responsibilities. And believe me, i dont think there are many people with a more colourful past than my girlfriend, as sad as it is.