Love my boyfriend, strong connection with another man

[LostLonelyGirl]

I haven't logged on in years...left my abusive ex husband. Found love with a new man. He's wonderful but cheated on me a couple of times in the beginning. But I forgave and we moved on and developed a more serious relationship. I've never felt tempted by any man who has crossed my path while dating him. Until now. I met a man a couple months ago at my gym. It progressed from light flirting to more flirting to hugging when we would see each other. Then advanced to meeting for coffee. Then stopping by his work...I told myself at one point I would stop talking to him. But I feel so incredibly drawn to him. Not just sexually but his personality. He is exactly the man I would date if I was single. Things have gone too far. I went to his house the other morning. We spent all morning in bed being intimate but not actually having sex. I feel so confused and upset with myself for being a cheater. I justified it in the moment because he hurt me in the past. But I know that doesn't make what I'm doing right. This new man and I have incredible chemistry and everything feels so natural when we're together. I don't feel like I have to be perfect. I feel completely comfortable. I love my boyfriend. Hes really good to me. But some things about him make me feel like if I'm not perfect he's gonna cheat on me again. Or leave me if I get too boring. And for some reason even before he ever cheated I always felt some pressure to be perfect for him. I don't feel that pressure with this guy. I'm not really looking for advice I guess. And I know what I'm doing is wrong and I feel terrible about it so if you're gonna tell me how awful i am there's no need to beat me when im already down... I just need to talk about it I guess. maybe hear stories from people who understand what it's like to be torn between two people with not even a slight idea how to deal with it.

[d0nnivain]

You know what to do: break up with your so called BF. Too much cheating on both sides. Stop trying to force things.

[central]

Yes, you may love your bf, but it seems like he is not the right man for you. Love is not enough, anyway.

 

I agree with d0nnivain. Break up with the bf if you want to see what happens with the new guy. He may not work out, but at least you will find out without conflicting feelings and priorities and continued guilt.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I've said this before on here, just because you love someone doesn't mean you have to remain with them or that it's meant to be/last.

 

Clearly you're not as happy as you say you are in your relationship if you ended up in bed with another man.

 

And if you're thinking that maybe you can end your current relationship and continue on with this new fling, just remember that he seemed perfectly okay to cross boundaries with someone who was in a relationship.

 

Don't trade in one fool for another.

[DKT3]

Perfect example of why relationships fail so often.

 

When your single and starting a legitimate relationship you feel pressure like you mentioned. Of course in a relationship there are expectations therefore pressure.

 

When you're in a relationship and cheating, there is no pressure. You haven't gone into the extra relationship thinking of the future, you dont attempt to hide your faults and this can feel freeing.

 

Problem, were you to end your legitimate and start something with this other guy it will change the dynamics of the relationship and the pressure to be perfect will enter into that relationship as well.

[LostLonelyGirl]

I thought that too michelle. What does it say if he is willing to mess around with someone who has a boyfriend. But it says the same thing about me frankly...I've never had to make such a hard decision. I just don't know that it's worth the risk to me to throw away everything I've built for 3 years with my boyfriend for someone I met 2 months ago. But then that means cutting someone out of my life that could have potentially been a better fit for me. But if choose the new guy and he ends up not to be what i thought then I threw away the man I love for no reason. And it wouldn't be an easy breakup. A great amount of things would change about my life. I feel like what I need to do probably is forgo the new guy and try to see if I can work out the issues I have with my boyfriend that caused me to justify doing what I've done. And then if I can't work through them, then say goodbye and pursue the other relationship. But it's a lot easier said than done when intense feelings are involved.

[d0nnivain]

This isn't about picking the new guy. It's about getting out of a relationship that isn't working. Your BF cheated on you. You think you got passed it but the relationship has no real trust, how could it? Now you have cheated on him. Don't you think that if your relationship was so great you would not have strayed? But you did. You cheated because deep down you want out but change is scary. Now you have sort of forced the issue. Trust me when your BF finds out about the cheating he probably won't be as forgiving as you were.

 

You really don't have to end up with the new guy. You just have to end things with the BF

[smackie9]

I agree...your BF cheated on you a couple of times, and yet you stayed...for what reason? didn't want to be lonely? maybe it's something to look at about yourself. Is it possible you really never wanted to be with your BF, but yet convinced yourself since he was kind and you get alone that you should make it work. You are being very short sighted. Take a step back from gym guy and your BF.....have a think about what you are doing, clear your head.

[DKT3]

Yeah the ole it's not my fault defense, if the relationship was better I would never....

 

That's bs, she cheated, not because he cheated but because she wanted too.

 

Neither of these relationships will work, because they contain three people who think cheating is a solution. Think about this, I'm going to leave my cheating boyfriend for a guy cheating on his girlfriend with me. Makes logical sense???

 

There is no point in investing your time or stealing anymore of your boyfriend's time working on the relationship, it will fail because you will sabotage it. You have another option lined up and it will prevent you from being committed. Not to mention you will fear the other guy moving on.

 

Wise move would be stop blaming his cheating for your cheating, one has nothing to do with the other, its every thing to do with you, your lack of boundaries and likely not really being ready for a relationship. Move on without both. Since your not likely going to do that at least let your boyfriend know it's an open relationship.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I thought that too michelle. What does it say if he is willing to mess around with someone who has a boyfriend. But it says the same thing about me frankly...I've never had to make such a hard decision. I just don't know that it's worth the risk to me to throw away everything I've built for 3 years with my boyfriend for someone I met 2 months ago. But then that means cutting someone out of my life that could have potentially been a better fit for me. But if choose the new guy and he ends up not to be what i thought then I threw away the man I love for no reason. And it wouldn't be an easy breakup. A great amount of things would change about my life. I feel like what I need to do probably is forgo the new guy and try to see if I can work out the issues I have with my boyfriend that caused me to justify doing what I've done. And then if I can't work through them, then say goodbye and pursue the other relationship. But it's a lot easier said than done when intense feelings are involved.

 

I hear you but I think you're making excuses for staying where it's comfortable when deep down you know it's not what you want.

 

There are people who've invested WAY more than you in their relationships, have children and finances tangled up in it and still managed to leave someone they loved to start a new life on their own terms because it was working and they weren't happy.

 

I was one of them.

 

The new guy is just a distraction for you. That's not real or sustainable. It feels intense because it forbidden and you were lacking something fierce in your relationship that he fulfilled on some level.

 

It's smoke and mirrors my friend.

 

Affairs rarely have a fairy tale ending.

[d0nnivain]

Yeah the ole it's not my fault defense, if the relationship was better I would never....

 

That's bs, she cheated, not because he cheated but because she wanted too.

 

I don't see it so much as a defense as a wake up call -- her relationship with her BF needs to end. The cheating is just one more reason why.

[Flame Aura]

First mistake you made was staying with your boyfriend after he cheated on you. Second was cheating yourself, the reason or justification really doesn't matter. Third is thinking that this new man is any better, considering he's happy to be getting intimate with a woman in a relationship.

 

 

If you want to stop making mistakes in your life, as you seem to be doing a lot of, and actually grow up and mature, then do the right thing and end things with your boyfriend.

[Decorum]

You have crosses a line you cannot un-cross, and it has changed everything.

 

It has changed you.

 

It has changed your relationship with your boyfriend.

 

If you ever want to have an honest relationship with your boyfriend he will be significantly changed him when you tell him.

 

This has changed the relationship you could have had with this man.

 

I think you should break up with your boyfriend

[crispytoast]

Can't believe you're all missing the obvious solution. This can all be solved with a threesome.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you wouldn't be throwing your relationship away for "nothing."

 

Clearly, you're not as happy as you thought if you're cheating. Something was obviously not going well in terms of your true feelings for your boyfriend. You wouldn't be cheating on him if you were actually invested in him.

 

So while a break-up might not result in Happily Ever After with the new guy, it will mean you ended a relationship that was not working for you. It is very unlikely you'd be able to go back to the way things were with your boyfriend anyway, even if he never found out you cheated. You would know. And it would serve to confuse you and make the relationship different from what it once was.

[smackie9]

it's one thing to have a crush, it's another when you start sampling off the menu. You have gone that far because you are lacking something in your relationship, or you are just not romantically attached to your BF anymore. You can still love someone very much, and lose desire for them. I think that is what has happened. Cheating is an escape from the truth...and you are running away from it.

[DKT3]

I thought that too michelle. What does it say if he is willing to mess around with someone who has a boyfriend. But it says the same thing about me frankly...I've never had to make such a hard decision. I just don't know that it's worth the risk to me to throw away everything I've built for 3 years with my boyfriend for someone I met 2 months ago. But then that means cutting someone out of my life that could have potentially been a better fit for me. But if choose the new guy and he ends up not to be what i thought then I threw away the man I love for no reason. And it wouldn't be an easy breakup. A great amount of things would change about my life. I feel like what I need to do probably is forgo the new guy and try to see if I can work out the issues I have with my boyfriend that caused me to justify doing what I've done. And then if I can't work through them, then say goodbye and pursue the other relationship. But it's a lot easier said than done when intense feelings are involved.

What does it say? Well since you cheated on your husband also that you are repeating your pattern and not learning and growing from mistakes.

[NH58]

I guess you know that you are doing wrong in cheating!

 

My advice is to stop seeing the new guy and then try and work issues out with your boyfriend. This would also include being honest with him about your cheating. Then if things cannot be resolved properly, break up with him. Then see if this new guy is worth being with because I would bear in mind that he was as good as cheating with a married or taken woman. Doesn't say much for his character.

[Melrose78]

You need to be single. You don't love your boyfriend. If you did, you wouldn't be with another man. Go find yourself. Before the train and carriages all detail!