How can she get over me so fast?

[guy45]

Two months ago I broke up with this woman I was dating for a few months. The day we broke up was because I asked her why we don’t have any physical intimacy in our relationship.

I just wanted to understand why. Anyway all of a sudden she changes her tone and becomes really angry with me and starts telling me if it bothers me I should leave. I told her I didn’t want to break up but she broke up with me anyway. She hasn’t messaged me since.

 

It surprises me that a person you spend so much time with can forget you so easily.

 

Is this normal in relationships? If I broke up with someone I would at least say sorry it didn’t work out a few days later.

 

How can people be so cruel?

[GorillaTheater]

She didn't get over you fast. Getting over you was a process, and that process was complete by the time she broke up with you.

 

ETA: Wait a minute. Is this the chick in Thailand who, as of February, you hadn't even met yet?

Edited June 14, 2019 by GorillaTheater

[guy45]

She didn't get over you fast. Getting over you was a process, and that process was complete by the time she broke up with you.

 

ETA: Wait a minute. Is this the chick in Thailand who, as of February, you hadn't even met yet?

 

Nah this was someone local that I met on match

[GorillaTheater]

If you met her after February, and broke up by April, she probably wasn't that invested to begin with. You didn't have the time to get to know each other on any kind of real level.

[basil67]

If you weren't intimate, then (excluding religious reasons) she probably wasn't that into you. Hence getting over you quickly would have been relatively easy.

 

I find the question "why don't we have physical intimacy?" an odd way to address the issue. But perhaps you used different words with her. How did the conversation go actually go down?

[Redhead14]

She was never really into you. You just didn't realize it, hence, the lack of physical intimacy . . . This wasn't a relationship. That takes two. You must have been exhausted doing all the work to try to make this into a relationship. Do you know the song by Air Supply song called: "Making Love Out Of Nothing At All"?

[guy45]

If you weren't intimate, then (excluding religious reasons) she probably wasn't that into you. Hence getting over you quickly would have been relatively easy.

 

I find the question "why don't we have physical intimacy?" an odd way to address the issue. But perhaps you used different words with her. How did the conversation go actually go down?

 

Basically she didn’t want to hold hands anymore, and this seemed like a red flag to me so I had to talk to her about it. Also a month before she broke up with me but came back the next day.

 

Not sure why she dated me in the first place, or why I took her back.

[basil67]

Were you paying for all the dates? She could have been using your wallet.

[guy45]

She was never really into you. You just didn't realize it, hence, the lack of physical intimacy . . . This wasn't a relationship. That takes two. You must have been exhausted doing all the work to try to make this into a relationship. Do you know the song by Air Supply song called: "Making Love Out Of Nothing At All"?

 

Haha yeah, all I did was waste my money on movies and dinners. I guess she has no respect for others time.

[Beachead]

Two months ago I broke up with this woman I was dating for a few months. The day we broke up was because I asked her why we don’t have any physical intimacy in our relationship.

I just wanted to understand why. Anyway all of a sudden she changes her tone and becomes really angry with me and starts telling me if it bothers me I should leave. I told her I didn’t want to break up but she broke up with me anyway. She hasn’t messaged me since.

 

It surprises me that a person you spend so much time with can forget you so easily.

 

Is this normal in relationships? If I broke up with someone I would at least say sorry it didn’t work out a few days later.

 

How can people be so cruel?

 

I'm sorry this happened to you man.

 

I've had my fair share of being on the receiving end of breakups and rejections. What I've learned is, although for you it may feel sudden and out of nowhere..for her it isn't. It's not an overnight decision. It's a slow burn over time starting back weeks, months..maybe a year prior, depending on how much she loved you and was invested in the relationship.

 

It seems this girl had her foot out the door being she never bothered to discuss with you the issues with the relationship. She was just looking for a way out. If she was invested in you, she would have talked to you about the problems and focused on solving those problems. A solid relationship has forward momentum. A relationship that was never going to last is like the one you experienced. She left you in the dark, while she secretly evaluated things and slowly arrived to the point where she was ready to end it. Says a lot about her as a person. So, by the time she got to the point where she called it with you, she was over you lets say 90-100% and that's the mentality she's operating from.

 

For some people, they may feel bad or guilty for wanting to end it and may try to fight the feeling of it for a long time. It's a losing battle. Over time, they come to realize they can't do it anymore. Seeing the love and care and investment you are giving to the relationship while they're feeling the way they do makes them feel like a bad person. Eventually it consumes them and it begins to show in their behaviour. They become distant, cold or angry. When they finally break up with you, it's more of a relief for them than anything and they get to escape these feelings.

 

So her behaviour is more about what she's feeling rather than what you're doing.

 

Also, anger and coldness and blaming you is a way to absolve her responsibility in the hurt she caused you. By doing this, she avoids dealing with it and just pawns off on you. A cowardly move and the mark of a partner you definitely don't want to be with.

 

- Beach

[preraph]

She was probably thinking it would be petty to not let you hold her hand, unless like Basil says she was just using you for money, though it doesn't sound like that much. Just sounds like she was only interested in friendship. Was this the only time she ever stopped you from going further or told you just friends? Because the anger seems like she'd already let you know before.

[guy45]

I told her I didn’t want friendship after the first time she broke up with me. She came back anyways asking me if I would take her back. Nothing really changed. If I would ask her about our lack of intimacy she would just say “she’s not the touchy type”.

 

Now I know better than to believe an excuse like that.

She would usually message me when she was on her lunch break but as time went on she stopped doing that too.

 

Overall I don’t miss her, I just feel humiliated.

[guy45]

I'm sorry this happened to you man.

 

I've had my fair share of being on the receiving end of breakups and rejections. What I've learned is, although for you it may feel sudden and out of nowhere..for her it isn't. It's not an overnight decision. It's a slow burn over time starting back weeks, months..maybe a year prior, depending on how much she loved you and was invested in the relationship.

 

It seems this girl had her foot out the door being she never bothered to discuss with you the issues with the relationship. She was just looking for a way out. If she was invested in you, she would have talked to you about the problems and focused on solving those problems. A solid relationship has forward momentum. A relationship that was never going to last is like the one you experienced. She left you in the dark, while she secretly evaluated things and slowly arrived to the point where she was ready to end it. Says a lot about her as a person. So, by the time she got to the point where she called it with you, she was over you lets say 90-100% and that's the mentality she's operating from.

 

For some people, they may feel bad or guilty for wanting to end it and may try to fight the feeling of it for a long time. It's a losing battle. Over time, they come to realize they can't do it anymore. Seeing the love and care and investment you are giving to the relationship while they're feeling the way they do makes them feel like a bad person. Eventually it consumes them and it begins to show in their behaviour. They become distant, cold or angry. When they finally break up with you, it's more of a relief for them than anything and they get to escape these feelings.

 

So her behaviour is more about what she's feeling rather than what you're doing.

 

Also, anger and coldness and blaming you is a way to absolve her responsibility in the hurt she caused you. By doing this, she avoids dealing with it and just pawns off on you. A cowardly move and the mark of a partner you definitely don't want to be with.

 

- Beach

Your post really explains things well, thank you

[preraph]

She just wanted to be friends and nothing more.

[basil67]

Why do you give her the power to make you feel humiliated?

[Normm]

2 months is nothing in geological time, it's a mere blink of an eye.

[Lotsgoingon]

Haha yeah, all I did was waste my money on movies and dinners. I guess she has no respect for others time.

 

To empower yourself, flip this. You showed little respect for your own time when you went along with someone who wasn't affectionate at all through what ... two months of dating?!

 

We have to respect ourselves, which means noticing and facing the reality when someone isn't treating us as we want to be treated. You don't throw a tantrum. You stop going out with them ... and find someone you like, someone who treats you as you want to be treated.

 

You made yourself passive here ... Lots of people do this when they're young (some when they're old). Learn from this: stand up for yourself, and break up if the relationship isn't making you happy.

[guy45]

To empower yourself, flip this. You showed little respect for your own time when you went along with someone who wasn't affectionate at all through what ... two months of dating?!

 

We have to respect ourselves, which means noticing and facing the reality when someone isn't treating us as we want to be treated. You don't throw a tantrum. You stop going out with them ... and find someone you like, someone who treats you as you want to be treated.

 

You made yourself passive here ... Lots of people do this when they're young (some when they're old). Learn from this: stand up for yourself, and break up if the relationship isn't making you happy.

 

Your definitely right, I need to be a man. It was my mistake for dating the wrong person and not having the courage to leave and find someone better.

[Lotsgoingon]

Your definitely right, I need to be a man. It was my mistake for dating the wrong person and not having the courage to leave and find someone better.

 

It's not being a "man." Women have to do this as well ... Some of us come from families where we learn to stand up for ourselves in relationships. Some of us don't, and we have to learn the hard way as you have learned here. But you're a man! Don't make the issue into that.

 

It is shockingly easy to put up with bad treatment in a relationship. If it weren't easy, there not be thousands of LS threads. But once you cross that boundary and start to stand up for yourself ... once you get that breaking up is not a catastrophe ... you'll be liberated ...

 

No need to be so hard on yourself. You'll one day date someone who treats you really well and you'll hit the reset button on acceptable treatment, and you'll have no interest in hanging with someone who acts like this person did.

[guy45]

Why do you give her the power to make you feel humiliated?

 

It’s my fault I should have left

[guy45]

It's not being a "man." Women have to do this as well ... Some of us come from families where we learn to stand up for ourselves in relationships. Some of us don't, and we have to learn the hard way as you have learned here. But you're a man! Don't make the issue into that.

 

It is shockingly easy to put up with bad treatment in a relationship. If it weren't easy, there not be thousands of LS threads. But once you cross that boundary and start to stand up for yourself ... once you get that breaking up is not a catastrophe ... you'll be liberated ...

 

No need to be so hard on yourself. You'll one day date someone who treats you really well and you'll hit the reset button on acceptable treatment, and you'll have no interest in hanging with someone who acts like this person did.

 

That’s true, and this experience has taught me a lot.

[Beachead]

It’s my fault I should have left

 

No it's not your fault and don't be so hard on yourself. You cared for her and you were committed to what you two shared. Don't regret that. Given all you knew about her, it's what felt right at the time. Sure, as we gain experience, we get better at seeing insincerity, but at the end of the day, when you're getting to know them, what is a warning sign or a red flag in hindsight, can be excused by you, for her just having a rough week, a bad day at work, a tough course in school, a fight with a friend etc. Because that's what you do when you care and have feelings for someone. You forgive them. You show compassion and patience and are willing to compromise because you are ultimately committed to a future with them. You don't typically look for everything that could go wrong nor do you create problems or sabotage a relationship.

 

I'll tell you a story. The last girl I was with, ran back to her ex, whom she had left for me. They had had problems for awhile, before she met me and were currently taking a break. And the way she was with me in the beginning, the push she gave, and the things she did, was exactly the kind of attention my closed off heart needed for it open up again. But after we got together, things quickly became problematic. I saw the warning signs but I excused it. The whole eventually ended in disaster with me being forced to end it with her and it was because of her ex. She ended up returning to him and marrying him and I was reduced to nothing but a bump in their road, that they got passed. Matter of fact, I'm pretty sure, I helped them sort their issues out. It was truly a low moment in my life.

 

Maybe you might ask, why did I take the risk. Well, I didn't want to wonder 'What if" for the rest of my life. Regret's a tough thing to live with and there were a few girls in my life prior to that situation that I never took a chance on because I was afraid. I watched them move on and it hurt. So when I met this one, and felt a connection with her, and the opportunity came, I took it. She seemed worth it at the time. Like I said, in hindsight, our vision's 20/20 but when we're in it and we don't know everything about them yet, we have to take a leap of faith.

 

You may feel humiliated but I'll tell you this..it takes a brave soul to open their heart up to a stranger and risk getting burned. It doesn't matter how many past experiences you've had or how much knowledge you possess in relationships, at the end of the day, when you meet someone new..you will always have to take that leap. So that strength does matter.

 

She proved she wasn't going to be in your life anyway so she's not worth another thought and now instead of being in a relationship with someone who was always going to leave, you can concentrate on focusing all your energy and effort to yourself and grow as a person. If anything, you now have added experience to help you learn how to take care of your heart better and teach you when to walk away. It's all valuable and it will lead you to someone more suitable for you.

 

Forgive yourself. It's alright.

 

- Beach

Edited June 15, 2019 by Beachead

[The Outlaw]

Physical intimacy in a relationship is a must, and if she wasn't the touchy feely type, she wasn't really into you anyway. Brush her off man, she did you a tremendous favor. Some people only want to hang out with us because it cures them of boredom. That may have been the case with you. And believe me, she isn't worth another thought.

[guy45]

Thank you all for your advice, I wish I posted this sooner, you guys really helped me see things in a better light.

[FMW]

guy45 just see this as a life lesson and use it make sure you don't let anyone else string you along. Most of us learn this stuff the hard way!

 

You shouldn't feel humiliated, she was the one who behaved badly (stringing you along), you just kept giving her the benefit of the doubt. Now you know what NOT to put up with in the future.