Here to admit you cannot remain friends with xMM

[Daisy2013]

I tried. And it’s my fault it went south, I screwed up.

 

So during a video chat, I said something that made him angry, so he blacked out the screen so I couldn’t see him. I apologized, and asked that he please unblock so I could see him again. He said “no” and that maybe I’d remember next time to not piss him off. So we finished the conversation blacked out and then said our goodbyes.

 

That little bit set me back a lot. I haven’t tried to contact him, and don’t plan to. Who does this? It was my fault, I understand that. But, that was the first time he’s shown that side of him to me. It’s just not worth it. It’s not.

[BaileyB]

It’s not your fault he is a total jerk!

 

Seriously, how rude is that that he blacked out the screen, effectively punishing you and ending the conversation on his terms - because he didn’t like what you said. I don’t care what you said, would you ever accept this kind of behaviour from a friend? No.

[stillafool]

You did the right thing. He was trying to remind you to "stay in your place".

[RecentChange]

Why would you want to communicate with someone who is so disrespectful to you?

 

Seems like he was teaching you a lesson - reminding you that he is boss and you better mind yourself and grovel to him.

 

Have more respect for yourself and remove him from your life.

[pepperbird]

I don't use video chat ( no one should have to see me looking at them from their screen:laugh:) so I have no idea of the etiquette that's followed.

 

 

That being said, this man sounds like a jackass. What he did was rude and, quite frankly, degrading. Who does he think he is anyway? If you piss him off you won't get to see his face? Oh boo hoo! How will you ever survive that sort of terrible fate? personally, i'd tell him that you preferred the blank screen to his face, as at least it has some character.

Then I'd tell him to cram it with walnuts and go bother someone else. What a jerk!

[mark clemson]

Very manipulative of him. Hopefully knowing what as ***hole he can be will help you move on. Nothing worth hanging on to here it would seem...

[BaileyB]

This is probably exactly who he has always been, you are just seeing him now in a different light. Your perception is no longer clouded by sex and hormones...

[DKT3]

Through the years I've read your threads, I believe I've only replied once maybe twice. But this is the behavior that he has always had as posted in your words. He has been largely disrespectful towards your family especially your husband. The one that really got me was inviting himself to your daughters (?) Graduation. Maybe your eyes have finally been open and you will stop making excuses for his manipulative disrespectful behavior.

[Daisy2013]

I feel like an idiot, and sick to my stomach. As he is so miserable in his life, I have listened to him complain and whine; I have tried to make him laugh, and just wanted to be a bright spot for him, and a good friend (with no designs to be together). But lately, he has shown his colors toward me I have never seen. And it causes reflection of what do I keep doing wrong. All I did was do anything possible to show love and try to make him happy, and later, just friendship, because of the situation.

 

There is nothing left to offer. People disagree, even quit talking for a while. But never have I experienced an adult (60 at this), act in this manner.

[Daisy2013]

Through the years I've read your threads, I believe I've only replied once maybe twice. But this is the behavior that he has always had as posted in your words. He has been largely disrespectful towards your family especially your husband. The one that really got me was inviting himself to your daughters (?) Graduation. Maybe your eyes have finally been open and you will stop making excuses for his manipulative disrespectful behavior.

 

Yes. I feel ill. And he will carry on being the good Christian and being held in high regard by everyone. But no worries, not my business. I think my business is done. I know exactly what he thinks of me. And honestly, it is well deserved. That karma thing.

[BaileyB]

But lately, he has shown his colors toward me I have never seen. And it causes reflection of what do I keep doing wrong. All I did was do anything possible to show love and try to make him happy, and later, just friendship, because of the situation

 

What makes you think that you have done anything wrong?

 

Boy, would I love to be your friend. I could show up late for lunch, forget my wallet so that you have to pay the bill, stare at my phone and text other people through the meal, talk about myself never asking how you are doing, and walk out when another friend calls and says let’s get together... and at the end of the lunch, you would be saying “I don’t get it. I’ve done everything I can do to be the best friend she could ever want - I just don’t know what more I could do? What did I do wrong...”

 

What did you do wrong? You failed to set a healthy boundary and let this man walk all over you...

[Daisy2013]

What makes you think that you have done anything wrong?

 

*****

 

What did you do wrong? You failed to set a healthy boundary and let this man walk all over you...

 

I don’t know what I did wrong. I accepted waiting until he had time for me. For his b’day, I would give a small, but meaningful gift. Tried to bring smiles to him and happiness. Never asked for anything but time. All I got was a meeting place when it suited him. One of the last times we met up, I looked down on the ground and there was a used condom laying there, and I thought to myself “this is what I’m worth. This place. Not even a nice place.”

 

For this friendship relationship, I’m still trying to figure it out. Thinking about it all, nobody in their right minds would be ok with everything. If I tried to set a boundary or say something wasn’t right, he’d go cold and dark, and not speak to me. So I quit saying anything. Had to stay happy and loving. Because he’d say “friends don’t treat friends like that” if I voiced displeasure or questioned him.

[BaileyB]

Exactly, friends don’t treat friends like that. The way that he treats you - a friend would treat you much better...

 

I told you what you did wrong - you failed to set a healthy boundary with this relationship. If you want him to have respect for you, then you must respect yourself first.

[Turning point]

I feel like an idiot, and sick to my stomach. As he is so miserable in his life, I have listened to him complain and whine; I have tried to make him laugh, and just wanted to be a bright spot for him, ...

 

Miserable is not a state of being. It's a position from which to manipulate people. Case in point - he's still got you hooked.

 

Filling this void he projects is how you got into the affair, and "friendship" is just a wait state while you attempt to post-legitimize a toxic relationship.

 

There are times when a real friend behaves badly. Yet, we can wait them out and let it pass because it is a healthy and balanced relationship. We know we are not responsible for their happiness and likewise their misery is not a debt upon which we must pay. Our value and our person is not conditional upon their approval. Does this sound your MM? I think not.

[BluEyeL]

Did you ever divorce your husband?

 

Indeed you cannot stay friends with an ex AP, I don't think. I hope you can finally move on. It's been too long.

[BaileyB]

Miserable is not a state of being. It's a position from which to manipulate people. Case in point - he's still got you hooked.

 

Filling this void he projects is how you got into the affair, and "friendship" is just a wait state while you attempt to post-legitimize a toxic relationship.

 

... We know we are not responsible for their happiness and likewise their misery is not a debt upon which we must pay. Our value and our person is not conditional upon their approval.

 

This. Brilliant post!

[whichwayisup]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I accepted waiting until he had time for me. For his b’day, I would give a small, but meaningful gift. Tried to bring smiles to him and happiness. Never asked for anything but time. All I got was a meeting place when it suited him. One of the last times we met up, I looked down on the ground and there was a used condom laying there, and I thought to myself “this is what I’m worth. This place. Not even a nice place.”

 

For this friendship relationship, I’m still trying to figure it out. Thinking about it all, nobody in their right minds would be ok with everything. If I tried to set a boundary or say something wasn’t right, he’d go cold and dark, and not speak to me. So I quit saying anything. Had to stay happy and loving. Because he’d say “friends don’t treat friends like that” if I voiced displeasure or questioned him.

 

I really hope you see how f'ed up this is? Especially the bolded.

 

So are you done with him for good or are you just quietly waiting it out to see what happens next?

 

Sending you positive energy so you can gain the strength to block him and make it impossible for him to contact you. I hope it's completely over in your mind and you're ready to grieve and let go for good this time.

 

Though he isn't worthy of your tears!

[Daisy2013]

Thank you all for your responses. Yes, I am done, and not interested in continuing with this farce. It’s been a long, hard journey. I think what was/is so hard to let go in all ways is it began at a really low point in my M and he gave me what I had been lacking for years, and had been begging for. When you finally experience what you think is a love and connection and intimacy and a “good friend” that has grown into a romance (now matter how twisted it is), it is difficult to let go. And in some way, there must have been something I must have had to offer him.

 

For whom asked if I am still married, yes. It is what it is. My family is happy, and for that I should be greatful. It’ll be ok, and life will settle back down to what it was before. At this stage of life, it is silly, really, to think this could have ever been real. It was just the first time ever experiencing this, and was so afraid to let it go. I can in all aspects now. Thank you, again.

[PhoenixRising8]

But for the part about still being married, your post could have been written by me.

 

An affair is a bandaid to what we want in our marriages. The fallacy in our thinking is that the MM can provide what's missing. The truth is, if MM were capable of providing the love and affection, he would be doing so to his wife.

 

Hugs Daisy.

[LIRR88]

Daisy you did not screw up, he sounds like a complete jerk. Isn’t that what gaslighting in?? He’s trying to manipulate you. I’m going through the exact same thing with MM, any little thing I say that he doesn’t like he just stops talking to me. As much as I care about him my feelings have faded. He acts like a little kid that gets emotional about everything and shuts down when things don’t go his way, it’s not normal and you just end up getting sick of the drama. I have my days when I miss him a lot but then I remind myself that he doesn’t care all that much about me when he willingly ignores me, and I have to stop making excuses for his behavior and hold him accountable for his crappy behavior. I agree with you, sometimes you just can’t be friends with exMM.