feeling overlooked

[Veronica73]

I disagree, the friend has only been sober less than 4 months. I say leave her alone and let her heal. She doesn't need more drama right now, trust me.

 

You may very well have better insight into a situation like this than I do. So I cede to you. But I did say it didn’t have to be dramatic. But I haven’t been in a similar situation, so I don’t know.

[stillafool]

I'm sorry you're hurt dOnnivain. Do you think she has somewhat fallen off the wagon and is embarrassed to be around you? Could it be that she feels the other friends don't have a problem with it but maybe you would? Some friends won't help you when you're trying to recover from an addiction.

[alphamale]

when the dust settles one is responsible for his/her own sobriety or lack thereof

[preraph]

I think she's avoiding you because she's not really all the way sober and that she's hanging around with friends who won't hold her to being sober.

 

She knows how important it is to you thst she gets straightened out, but you know she's gone to parties and stuff and that's not normal this early in AA. I just think she's cheating and probably thinking she can drink some like most of them think they can do one time or another.

 

I'm sorry. I would just stop asking her to do stuff but not write her off as a friend because 4 months of sobriety just isn't much. I hope she at least keeps going to meetings and eventually makes it.

[alphamale]

well donnivian if you really really really want to do something I guess you can send her a fruit basket from edible arrangements with a note that says you are there for her if she needs it. don't say any more or any less.

 

this is only if you really want to do something. I doubt I would do it, however

[Art_Critic]

When I quit drinking it took almost 90 days till my head stopped spinning and the fog lifted, at that point I was thinking better but in all honestly it took me close to a year before I felt good about things... at a year I once had a dream that I went out and drank and it was so vivid that when I woke up I thought is was real and I wept.. it literally took me 10 mins to figure out I was still sober.

 

I gave up all of my friends, most of them were my drinking buddies though..

 

I also couldn't or didn't go to parties for about 6-8 months.. today is no big deal, there is alcohol in my house and fridge and when I go to parties I have no issues being around someone who drinks.. and the answer is easy peasy.. I don't want to drink, I don't want what they have and in many cases they want what I have, sobriety.

 

I think you let it ride out, as a old friend of hers the friendship will still be there when she is ready, right now she must feel she can't be the type of friend that she feels she needs to be for you.

 

Right now she needs to go thru this step without you...

[Happy Lemming]

Part of me wonders if her staying away from me has to do with the making amends step but honestly I don't know of anything she did to offend or upset me.

 

This kind of reminds me of friend/acquaintance (we both participated in the same sport) that went to prison for about 2 years. When he got out of prison, he specifically came to a function where he knew I would be. He asked to speak to me in private and apologized to me for offending/hurting me. For the life of me, I can't think of anything he said or did that he should apologize for. When I told him he had done nothing to even upset me, he stated he had indeed treated me poorly. Furthermore, while he was in prison he made a list of people to seek out and ask for forgiveness. Since it seemed important to him, I told him I forgive him for all transgressions against me. He gave me a big hug and he was quite happy.

 

To this day, I still can't think of anything he did to harm me in any way. It is possible that something minor happened and I just let it roll off of my back.

 

I guess my point is... something that seems very minor to one individual, may seem HUGE to another. I guess its possible that your friend thinks she owes you an amends for some HUGE infraction, and yet you viewed this act as a minor "bump in the road" of friendship.

[alphamale]

When I quit drinking it took almost 90 days till my head stopped spinning and the fog lifted, at that point I was thinking better but in all honestly it took me close to a year before I felt good about things.....

 

I quit alcohol 5 years ago after abusing it for around 10 years. Took me a couple years to totally detox and fix my relationships with friends, family and co-workers.

[d0nnivain]

I really appreciate the insight from those of you who have struggled with alcohol. It helps me to understand a little bit.

 

Another bit of history, this woman & I had a strained relationship after HS. I went off to college & she stayed home to pursue her path. It took me about a year to drag out of her that she felt abandoned by me. I can't help be wonder if she is having some other sort of feelings like that -- unique to our relationship -- that make it tougher for her to be around me. I really don't want to make her journey harder.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I think you're wise not to try to talk with her at this point. I did ask you if you thought it might help, I believe.

 

I haven't talked to my friend of 35 years about it because I have a sense she wouldn't admit to having an issue and that it may make things worse. I did take her a gift at Christmas time.

 

This is so weird but I actually ran into her daughter today who has a toddler. When I told her I'd love to see the toddler she told me her mom was taking care of her this week and to go over there and see her! She's very close to her mom and doesn't know her mom has distanced herself? I replied to her that her mom doesn't answer her phone! But, I would go to her house. So guess I'll try.

 

The following could be the case for you, too. What if my friend has no issues with me, she just prefers other people now? Maybe she's just in a different phase for some reason.

 

It's hard to believe a friend could do that, but I guess it's possible.

 

So, donn0vain, I guess just wait it out. I don't know your spiritual beliefs but I think I'm going to pray about my friend. I really haven't done that.

[d0nnivain]

So, donn0vain, I guess just wait it out. I don't know your spiritual beliefs but I think I'm going to pray about my friend. I really haven't done that.

 

 

I prayed for her to get sober for years.

 

I have an independent professional reason to have to see her brother in the coming weeks. I will see what he says about the whole situation. I also think I might see her at somebody else's housewarming at the end of the month. We'll see how that goes. It will not be a setting for us to have a long talk but perhaps I will get to gage how she treats me in that setting.

 

I'm not going to push anything.

[LivingWaterPlease]

I prayed for her to get sober for years.

 

I have an independent professional reason to have to see her brother in the coming weeks. I will see what he says about the whole situation. I also think I might see her at somebody else's housewarming at the end of the month. We'll see how that goes. It will not be a setting for us to have a long talk but perhaps I will get to gage how she treats me in that setting.

 

I'm not going to push anything.

 

This all sounds good to me, d0nnivain. (I think I've been misspelling your name in earlier posts, sorry!).

 

I do think the housewarming will be a great time to not push but to be your cordial, accepting self! It may (I think it will) give her confidence that you are still there for her but giving her whatever space she seems to need.

 

I read this once and believe it applies to both men and women alike, not perfectly or in all cases but it's a good illustration that often bears true: That men (and I believe women, too) are like dogs in that they will jump all over you if you don't pay attention to them but if you begin to go after them they will run away. Of course, that's just a general statement for both dogs and people but it's something to think about.

 

Your friend has had kind of a rebirth so is maybe an emotional toddler? Child? Or adolescent? If she stays sober possibly she will grow into a relationship with you in her time.

 

Also, wonderful that you prayed she'd become sober. It seems your prayer for her was answered!

[d0nnivain]

Also, wonderful that you prayed she'd become sober. It seems your prayer for her was answered!

 

Her mother's prayers were answered. I just added my 2 cents to the request.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Her mother's prayers were answered. I just added my 2 cents to the request.

 

I'll look forward to hearing how the meeting with her brother and also the housewarming go if you post about them! These things take time and it seems to me you're taking the steps that will yield the best results!

[Foxhall]

 

Another bit of history, this woman & I had a strained relationship after HS. I went off to college & she stayed home to pursue her path. It took me about a year to drag out of her that she felt abandoned by me. I can't help be wonder if she is having some other sort of feelings like that -- unique to our relationship -- that make it tougher for her to be around me. I really don't want to make her journey harder.

 

I empathise with this type of strained friendship scenario- it was what brought me to this forum initially,

 

this earlier situation, it would appear then to be still playing a factor and I think you mentioned about not seeing her in a sober state also,

 

your friends obviously has holding issues and she prefers not or is not ready at present anyway to open up and pour out her heart to you,

 

this can be frustrating from your end, you would like to get everything out in the open and for the friendship to revert to old times (well without the drink!)

 

well at least you will have opportunities to meet her in the near future, you could suggest something low key in a few months such as just meeting for a coffee,

 

I dont know really, I know I did not handle things well being in a vaguely similar situation with my mate and I chose an approach of pushing too much not giving the person enough space,

 

not pushing it and giving her the time and space to figure things out and recover in her own time seems the best approach,

 

perhaps in time she will come back to you. and it is likely she does appreciate your recent reaching out offers, so you have done all you can really for the time being.