, or how should I manage this?

[Leticiabop]

Hi there, I am in a very difficult situation right now, due to the fact that my boyfriend is dealing with something very hard for him, my boyfriend is older than (quite older) I am 30, he is 47, he is divorced from 6 years ago, he came to this country at 25 y/o and at 30 he married an older woman which was 43 at that time, now she is 60, they lasted 10 years together, they have no kids, just dogs and cats, (which he loves!), she happens to live in a town a little up north from where we live about one hour and a half.

 

When him and I met about a year ago (to be more exact january-19 -2018) he had told me that he was divorced and everything about him, but I don’t recall him telling me he had this frequent type of communication to this woman whom he had nothing with anymore, they are divorced, he told me that he promised his father-in-law when he died, that he would look after her if she need help in anything. This woman does not Know that I exist, she in fact asked him to please not tell when he had a girlfriend or a new life, that she did not want to know, so he respects her wishes and never told her anything, to avoid drama, Mind you she was the one who opted for divorce, so in her head she believed/ believes (present) that he would stay single and be there for her, cause she might still have feelings for him (all of this sounds absurd TO ME!) if she still has feelings for him, why did she divorced him in the first place? Does not make sense to me.

 

The other part is that this ex of his has nobody to look out for her, her parents died, her brothers died, she has no kids, she has 2 nephews which don't visit her. So my boyfriend is the only person she has and a roommate friend Unbelievable!! but true.

 

So about 2 weeks ago, I was at our home waiting for my bf to come back from work, as usual we would eat, watch a movie etc, and so when he arrived back home he tells me that there has been an emergency and that his Ex wife ended up in the hospital and that he had to go and see what was going to happen and look after his dogs as well, so he stayed over there about a week with her he did not go to his job until Thursday which was when he returned. I was very mad with him because since he left that Friday night, he did not call me neither text me, until he came back here, my aunt which gets along with him very well called him to see what was going on, since I am a little proud and refused to call him, I was very angry at the fact that he had left me to see what was going on with her!, I mean we had plans for that weekend.

 

When he came back that Thursday, He was exhausted, of not sleeping well and all this drama, so I arrived from work around 1:30 AM, he was deeply sleeping, so I went to sleep as well, and next morning which was Friday he woke up to go to work, I was sleeping cause I was free until the upcoming week, so he comes by and hugs me, kisses me, and tells me that he ’‘loves me a lot’’ that we would talk later that day about what had been going on, so when he came back home later that day he started talking about his job and that the upcoming week he and his team had some inspections to do on a 5-day trip about an hour and a half from where we live, so they would stay in a hotel for 5 days (all of this happened this past week), and then I mentioned him that why did he not called me for 5 days when he left that Friday, he replied that: he was wrong for doing that, that he should not have done that and that I was right, and he asked me to forgive him, because he did in fact acted wrong, so we talked that he could not abandon his life because of what his ex was going through, he has a home to pay, a job to attend to and a new life with me, so he replies: that of course that he is not going to abandon his life, but he asked me to please understand him that he will help her with what he can, because he cannot abandon her like if she was a dog.

 

So his Ex wife happened to be in sharp pain when she breathed, so they did some exams etc, and they discovered she has a small tumor on her lung, plus some Micro bacteria, but they still could not figure out exactly what her problem was, so they send her to a hospital that specializes in this, they told her to go and do a biopsy there, so they can determine what she has, so she came this past week with a roommate friend she has, and they told her she has cancer.

 

So yesterday my boyfriend calls me around 7:00 pm, I thought that he was on his way back home from the inspections I had mentioned before, well guess what he calls me sobbing and crying that he was in the town where she lives, that this was really difficult for him and that he just found out that his ex-wife has cancer, and that she can barely put her arm up, that she was depressed, So I felt bad for him, But I ended getting mad at him, cause I wanted to be with him this weekend and see a movie, so I said to him ’‘listen you cannot throw your life away because of this situation, there is nothing you can do, it’s not your fault and especially not mines, and he was telling me:’’ please understand me, you know that I love you and you know that I want a life with you’’ I want you to be by my side during this situation, be patient with me, don’t abandon me during this moment, this is the last I need know.

 

I was really firm with him on the phone, I got mad, frustrated, so for one moment I almost picked up everything I have in his house (well he calls it our house, he says it’s my home as well, even though we are not married) and take it with me, like I just felt like breaking up with him, what type of life am I going to have with this man and this situation, how is going to handle/balance this. I am not willing to be a painting on the wall, I want us to be able to have a normal relationship, go out, have fun, not because this situation happened that everything is going to change, cause I will not tolerate that.

 

We already spoke about this I just don’t know what else to do, what else to speak about! I mean it is what it is, he won’t abandon her, the only thing that pops in my mind is asking him how is he planning to manage this situation. I feel bad for him and I do LOVE HIM! But I don’t know how am I going to tolerate this whole thing, I might break up with him and move on, which is what I have in mind, I am 30, I want to enjoy my life, I don’t want to be with a man that has this baggage, and I have to be a zombie alongside him. It sounds unfair to me.

 

How can he manage this or how will he manage this? This is what I want to ask him and see what he replies, especially now that we know what this woman has. I see all of this very difficult, how is he going to enjoy the times that we go out (that is if we go out) seriously I am thinking about all of this.

[Gaeta]

It's time for you to move on with your life. I remember you posted about this a long time ago concerning the part about his ex not knowing about you. That part is unforgivable in my eyes and I see you haven't given him that ultimatum we spoke about.

 

Now, the situation has evolved and this woman is most likely gonna die. Very little people survive lung cancer. Understand he made a promise to a dying man and if he doesn't honor that he won't be able to look at himself in mirror for the rest of his life.

 

I am warning you if you stay you're facing an entire year of rollercoaster because he'll need to be by her side more often than he'll be by yours. I am much older than you and I would understand my boyfriend wanting to accompany his ex-wife while she is progressing toward death. You are too young and should not be dealing with this type issues.

 

 

.

[Leticiabop]

It's time for you to move on with your life. I remember you posted about this a long time ago concerning the part about his ex not knowing about you. That part is unforgivable in my eyes and I see you haven't given him that ultimatum we spoke about.

 

Now, the situation has evolved and this woman is most likely gonna die. Very little people survive lung cancer. Understand he made a promise to a dying man and if he doesn't honor that he won't be able to look at himself in mirror for the rest of his life.

 

I am warning you if you stay you're facing an entire year of rollercoaster because he'll need to be by her side more often than he'll be by yours. I am much older than you and I would understand my boyfriend wanting to accompany his ex-wife while she is progressing toward death. You are too young and should not be dealing with this type issues.

 

 

.

 

 

@Gaeta, Yes it is very difficult, this man called me crying, and I talked a little strong to him, cause I got frustrated, and he was telling me, to please not to abandon him at this moment, to stick by his side, to not fight him, to have him patience.

 

 

I am not going to lie, I felt very bad, to hear a person that I want to cry like that, but at the same time Gaeta I cannot throw my life away if he is not willing to balance this out, or we negotiate this situation, he needs to let me now what his plans are from now on and how he is willing to work all of this out, and see if it suits me or not.

 

 

I personally think this woman is not doing good, lung cancer is the number one killer in the world, especially here in the states, I believe she is very very bad in health, I don't know how long she will survive, I don't know what stage her cancer is, the way everything went down and the little things that I know about her case is that maybe she waited too long with this.

 

 

They did her Biopsy this past week, I believe Wednesday or Thursday, and the results where that the small tumor she has is malignant which means she has cancer, by what my boyfriend told me this Friday when he called me crying, she seems to be devastated, weak, depressed etc. I feel very bad I would never wish this upon anybody.

 

 

I believe deep down inside she wont last long, maybe months,

[d0nnivain]

Your guy is showing compassion for his EX wife who just got a cancer diagnosis. He was wrong not to text you or call you for the initial 5 days but he has since apologized. Apparently you can't accept that & want to punish him for being a good guy. If there are other issues & he has been hiding you as Gaeta implies I can see where her seeming to pick her over you is a deal breaker. However, him being good to somebody who used to be important to him while she's dying makes him a good person IMO. Him helping her does need more transparency but the impulse itself & his sadness of her illness is not a bad thing.

 

 

Shortly after I started dating my husband my EX died. I was devastated. Rather then being threatened & pissy about it, he helped me through my grief.

[preraph]

What is his excuse for never having told the ex that he is married? none of the rest of this bothers me because it is simple compassion and she has no one. But the fact he's been concealing that from her is crazy.

[Leticiabop]

What is his excuse for never having told the ex that he is married? none of the rest of this bothers me because it is simple compassion and she has no one. But the fact he's been concealing that from her is crazy.

 

 

 

 

We are not married, he is my boyfriend, we have a year and a half together.

[Lotsgoingon]

Lots of red flags ...

 

The main red flag, of course, is the spectacularly dumb, unwise, commitment to his ex-FIL to take care of his ex wife. I'm sorry ... that's just dumb. Terrible boundaries, unrealistic, self-destructive to promise that ...

 

The bigger red flag (we all do dumb stuff when we're young) is to then take that self-destructive promise seriously and not renounce it. He cursed himself by agreeing to that He guaranteed that he'd have problems in all future relationships. Is that the kind of judgment you want in a partner?

 

Like, is he supposed to follow her around? ... like always live near her? That's just twisted, self-destructive--arguably self-loathing. Nothing honorable or cute about that at all.

 

Sure some exes return to take care of ailing former partners. But they have do this because it works for them, not because they "owe" this to the ex.

 

That he hasn't told his ex about you ... another red flag ... In the relationships I know where an ex helps their former spouse, it's all up front! I have a friend who throws dinner parties ... and she will have a bf there ... and her ex, who has major health problems. (She had a child with the ex.) She checks on the ex when it works for her, but the ex knows she dates, and everything is public and reasonable.

 

That this woman has no friends ... that's not his job to resolve that issue. I wonder if she has some emotional problems ... and that's why her father pressed your bf to commit to taking care of her.

 

The only way this would be above board is if your bf brought you to meet this woman ... and brought you to visits with this woman (assuming you wanted to go) and for bf to announce to his ex that you are his current gf.

 

Feeling sorry for people is not a reason to continue dating them. You date and marry because the relationship works for you ... because you do NOT feel sorry for them but rather are impressed with them and their strengths and their resilience and their thinking. This guy's thinking is off.

 

Up to you what to do ... but don't back off because you feel sorry for him. And of course you talked to him rough. You were supposed to talk to him rough! Don't apologize for that. You're on the verge of dumping him--how else would you talk? He hasn't responded to you so far.

 

The brutal, biting question: if you get sick, you think your bf would go back and forth between you and the ex--equally? ... Would he go to the ex more? (After all, she has no friends so needs his help, according to him). Or would he prioritize taking care of you? Are you OK with your (best-guess) answer to this question?

[Kelliousme]

Never would I ever stay with a man like that. Sure, it's nice of him to want to help his ex. But this whole thing took a downward turn when you say his EX doesn't know about you and assumes/expects he'll be single his entire life and dedicate it to her. It is also absolutely crazy for him to risk his current relationship with you for an ex who dumped him. That's not right and it's absolutely unfair to you! I'm so sorry this is happening to you and if I were you I would not want to have this type of baggage as well. Who would want to have a BF who would leave for days to take care of his "ex wife". And honestly, I don't know why he didn't communicate with you at all while he was away. That's a huge SLAP in the face.

 

I know you love him, but do yourself a favor and love yourself more. Set yourself free. I believe you'll be much happier.

[iVisa]

I think it would be too hard for you to manage it. He will be by her side. He feels that he should and he wants to. I think that it's understandable because they still keep in touch. And you will be the second... and nobody knows how long. He is not ready to have a new family.

[basil67]

You are absolutely right to move out. And he has absolutely no right to be begging you to support him through this.

 

I understand his need to help her out, but the bottom line is that he refuses to compromise the support he gives her. He basically has two choices here: 1. respect her wishes to not know about you. 2. respect your wishes to not be kept a secret and to not be abandoned while he helps her out. He chose her wishes over yours. Dealbreaker.

[basil67]

Donni, Gaeta didn't imply that the OP be kept a secret - it's as clear as day

 

>>This woman does not Know that I exist, she in fact asked him to please not tell when he had a girlfriend or a new life, that she did not want to know, so he respects her wishes and never told her anything, to avoid drama, <<

[Lotsgoingon]

This woman does not Know that I exist, she in fact asked him to please not tell when he had a girlfriend or a new life, that she did not want to know, so he respects her wishes and never told her anything, to avoid drama ...

 

Uh ... no, this wasn't to avoid drama. There is no drama. I'll tell you what I want to tell you.

 

This sounds like one of those games junior high schoolers play ... I promise I'll never criticize you ... I promise I will never get mad at you ... Puh-lease.

 

This guy's primary allegiance is to his ex. Therefore, he's not available. Dump him and run and don't look back. And in reality, you mus have known this for a while. This was a dumpworthy situation as soon as you learned of his promise to his FIL.

 

BTW: he is probably leaving out part of the promise. He might have also promised FIL ... that he would never let a new love interfere with taking care of the ex.

[d0nnivain]

Donni, Gaeta didn't imply that the OP be kept a secret - it's as clear as day

 

>>This woman does not Know that I exist, she in fact asked him to please not tell when he had a girlfriend or a new life, that she did not want to know, so he respects her wishes and never told her anything, to avoid drama, <<

 

 

It's unhealthy on one level but on another, she "knows" there is somebody else, but the EX would prefer the ignorance is bliss route.

 

 

The guy would have been better served being there for his Ex-W but going outside or in the other room to call his GF, the OP. There is a way to respect the Ex-W's desire not to have her EXs new life thrown in her face, but still be transparent to the GF. He screwed that up. But OPs reaction read as mean spirited to me.

 

 

As a childless only child my biggest fear in life is to die alone, to be left to rot in a nursing home with no visitors & a staff that doesn't care. So when I see somebody going out of their way to help another isolated soul not have to go through dying alone, my heart rejoices & wants that to be the right thing.

[Curiousroxy86]

I would not enter in/stay in a relationship with all this going on

 

I think you should let this boy go and move on with your life

 

I’m sorry the woman got cancer and it’s very sweet of your boyfriend to be there for her but thats his choice to do it and that has nothing to do with you or any woman he dates....

 

But you decided to date/be with him anyway knowing he got all this going on.

So if your going to stay accept whatever going on and see him whenever he decides to make time to see you and communicate with you. No use in arguing about it. but I don’t recommend you stay

[Gaeta]

Leticiabop: This man is a big 47 years old. He's not new to life so don't let his tears derail you from your track. Tell him to devote himself to his ex while she heading to her last days and later you can reconnect and see where things are at. That will give you some distance to reflect on what type of man and what type of relationship you want for yourself.

[lurker74]

Interesting responses. I haven't looked back at the OPs other posts but just based on this, I am surprised so many have said she should dump him. Let's go over the "facts" as we are aware of them:

 

1) Man is divorced for 6 years from a woman.

2) Man promised to FIL that he would always take care of his daughter, a promise made when he was still married to her.

3) Ex-wife told him not to tell her about anyone he's dating.

4) Presumably, the man had previously informed OP of all of this...none of it was a surprise.

5) Ex-wife encounters an emergency and terminal medical issue.

6) Man gets wrapped up in this issue and does not stay in touch with his GF.

7) GF never reaches out because she is too "proud."

8) Man apologizes.

9) Ex-wife is officially diagnosed with a terminal disease.

10) Man is distraught.

11) OP wants to know how to manage this.

 

Honestly, OP, I think you should calm down. It is totally inappropriate for him to leave for the better part of a week without talking to you. But he apologized, and from you description, it sounds sincere. Now, it basically sounds like you are jealous that he is spending so much time with her, leaving you to your own devices. So ask yourself this:

 

If the person who was sick was a male, best-friend, would you be as upset? If the answer is "yes," then you are too needy. If the answer is "no," then you have a jealousy issue to deal with.

 

My suggestion isn't that you "dump" a guy for doing exactly what he told you he would do (and that shows he would support you in a time of need as well) but address the issue most relevant to the jealousy. In other words, he needs to tell her that he is in a serious, committed relationship with a woman that is important to him and that he will be there for his ex when she needs him but that he also must be there for the woman with whom he is in love...you.

 

I understand not telling someone about every date. But if you've been together for this long and plan on still being together, he should be willing to scream it from the rooftops. And if he isn't, that is something about which you should be upset. But beyond that, it is immature of you to punish a man for doing exactly what he told you he would.

 

On the other hand, it could be a trying few months for you, supporting him emotionally as he supports someone that was important to him. If you can't do that, exit with dignity, but exit.

[preraph]

She told him she didn't want to hear all about his future girlfriends. that tells me that it was him who wanted to break up and not her.

 

he knows how sensitive you are on the subject and that is why he is avoiding telling you the truth because he can't handle the stress of that and the stress of her sickness at the same time.

 

there is nothing wrong with still caring about your ex in a way of being a caretaker. I'm sure that's all it is because of her advanced age on him. you have no real commitment to him so if he wanted to be with her he already would be. He doesn't.

 

But he genuinely cares about her and there is absolutely everything right about that. It sounds like she has no one else to care for her.

 

It also sounds like she's not going to be alive very long for you to worry about. I understand you don't like his lying but considering how upset you get over this and that you don't understand his side of it I can see why he would try to avoid getting into it with you. especially at times of high stress like this when it's hard to even think straight. He obviously cares about her as a person and this is hurting him seeing her suffer.

 

You need to get out of his way and stop criticizing him for this. You need to be glad you have a man who is compassionate. You need to verbally tell him it's okay to take care of her. But tell him to stop lying to you and you'll stop fighting with him about it.

[Curiousroxy86]

Lurker I agree with you on the fact that she knew what she got herself into. So if the Op wants to stay then I think she should just accept things the way they are and stop arguing only as long as she WANTS TO STAY

 

However I don’t recommend she stay. I wouldn’t recommend anybody to stay in a relationship with unhealthy dynamics such as that. Just because she knew what she got herself into doesn’t mean she HAS TO STAY. she can make a decision for herself that says “I can’t deal with this. I would rather be alone and have the opportunity to be in a relationship where a man isn’t tied to his ex and more available then stay”. She does not have to deal with this. And I don’t think she should. My recommendation is based off Ops well being and sanity....

[lurker74]

^ I agree curious. She doesn't have to stay. But she didn't ask, is it ok to leave? She asked how to manage it. The first step in that is determining IF she wants to stay because it's a lot. And if she does, she needs to address the jealousy issue. She isn't wrong to feel jealous. She is partially wrong to not make a bigger issue of this before it got to this point.

[Curiousroxy86]

Lurker in terms of management I don’t really know how much more could be done so she won’t feel jealous...

 

I mean it is his ex wife. That dynamic was bound to cause some sort of jealous feelings.

 

I hate to say it like this because it really is unfortunate and tragic what the ex wife is going through but the situation more than likely will be temporary

 

So for the op arguing and being in drama with the bf is kinda pointless because she knew the situation and it’s more than likely temporary

 

She could establish some ground rules such him take time to call out of his day on days they don’t get to see each other and that may help but her feelings of resentment deep down could be the entire situation itself which is why I want op to be clear that she doesn’t have to deal with this and can walk away (and imo should).

[stillafool]

 

BTW: he is probably leaving out part of the promise. He might have also promised FIL ... that he would never let a new love interfere with taking care of the ex.

 

I'm even wondering if the FIL story is even true. OP have you seen his final divorce document?

[Curiousroxy86]

If I am in a relationship and a boyfriend told me “my ex has been trying to contact me and get back with me”. I would feel some jealousy on the inside but I would manage it by reminding myself of what’s going on. He is not contacting her, he is not even responding to her, he is not spending time with her, and he isn’t trying to get back with her so I would just let it go and focus on other things. I may feel what I feel but I redirect back to wisdom and focus on more important things. That’s me managing my jealousy.

 

However if a boyfriend is choosing to be close to an ex (for whatever reason even if it’s noble), contacting her, visiting her, spending days with her, not contacting me...I would feel jealous..and I would manage those feelings by getting rid of the source which is the boyfriend allowing these things

 

I would not enter into dynamics that cause unnecessary jealousy....guys who are close to their ex, guys living with a female, guys who “harmlessly” flirt with women in front of their girlfriends, guys who have wandering eyes to the point of disrespectful, guys who say and do things on purpose to make me jealous. I don’t even put myself in situations that cause unnecessary jealousy in a boyfriend hence why I don’t keep close male friends.

 

So the way I see managing jealousy is to address any feelings that I know and feel like is unwarranted or silly. But I also manage jealousy by putting up a boundary towards the boyfriend causing it by his actions and of course ending the relationship if that boundary can’t be respected

 

So back to the op I don’t know how much more management can be done with this situation outside of just accepting feeling jealous if she stays with this guy temporarily or leave the guy. But accepting jealousy just doesn’t seem good for her emotional well being which is why I think she should just let this guy go. They may can try later in life when he is unhinged from the ex wife....

[kendahke]

I'm even wondering if the FIL story is even true. OP have you seen his final divorce document?

 

That's what I was thinking, too.

 

She told him she didn't want to hear all about his future girlfriends. that tells me that it was him who wanted to break up and not her.

 

Exactly.

 

OP, I understand he cares and is shaken that she's got this unfortunate diagnosis, but the whole keeping you from her thing is sus a.f. to me.

 

If he was truly on your side, he'd have told her "you need to know this so you don't aren't under any illusions of us getting back together". He's willing to lie to her by omission rather than declare for you to her and let the chips fall where they might have (had he done it before his wife got sick--it sure isn't happening now).

 

Understand this his word to his FIL means more to him than his love for you. If it didn't, he wouldn't be doing what he's doing of his own free will.

[elaine567]

I get the caring for the ex wife and the rushing to her side when she got ill and the need for someone to care for the dogs.

What I don't get is the radio silence for 5 days.

Also do you know he was doing these inspections for the past 5 days or did he in fact spend another 5 days with her?

 

Seems to me, she is still priority, you do not even merit a text message or a quick call... what kind of a relationship is that?

[Gaeta]

If OP was 55 years old she would understand it's normal to care for a dying ex that has no one else. As OP is only 30 years old, little life experience, also the fact she was upset they missed a movie because he was attending to a very sick lady, all this tells me OP doesn't have the insight, experience and emotional maturity to understand and accept the situation with grace. Staying by his side during this process will only build resentment in her.