pyruvate Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 Hello everyone, I have been married for 3 years now to the love of my life and have been in a long distance relationship with my wife who I want to bring over to live with me ASAP (like as soon as all the documentation for her to enter the country is complete). The issue that I want to turn to you guys about is that when we got married, our wedding didn't go exactly as planned. My wife was ill during the wedding and several other issues happened at the same time like my parents not following wedding protocol and me having a headache and frowning during the wedding because of my parents (especially my dad's) behavior. My wife is really upset over all this to this very day and I do understand how and why she feels this way. All this is why my wife has been asking for a wedding redo since she feels this is the only way she will feel way she can allow us to consummate the marriage and to feel as though we are truly married. If I don't agree to this wedding redo, she has said she will ask for a divorce. Here is the issue I am having with this wedding redo. Firstly, I am very insecure with my current position in life. My education (or lack of qualifications) is holding me back from advancing in my career and I currently make just enough to live a comfortable life provided my wife and I choose our expenses carefully. Added to this, my wife also has a $ 25000 debt from before we got married that I have decided to help pay off and my wife is also struggling financially in the country she is in (which is why I also send her money every month and I have sent her more when there have been emergencies). Because of all the issues we are both facing, I really feel we should work to become more established and gain our footing before we commit to a wedding redo. The cost of the redo would be around $ 6000-7000 plus tickets and moving her stuff to where I live after; all of which would come out to about $ 13000 after which we still need to find a place to live since I just live in shared accommodation right now. The thing is, I don't even have that much saved and I cant rely on my parents for anything since they are barely making ends meet themselves. When my wife is living with me, I will be supporting both of us with what I make until she is established here. So, here is my actual question. In light of all of the above, am I being a jerk by not wanting a wedding redo right now given that my wife feels we are truly not married until we repeat the wedding and that the first one didn't go according to plan ? Please, if any one of you out there has insight and can help me see a correct way to proceed with this, I will appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 Spending that much money on a "redo" only three years into your marriage seems excessive to me in light of your financial situation. Weddings seldom go smooth and perfectly, a redo isn't going to "fix" anything in the past and might add some additional issues your wife won't be happy about. If she insists on a redo, have a smaller, intimate and MUCH less expensive event. You are not being unfair to balk at her insistence on a new grand affair. On the surface of it she appears to be immature and unrealistic in her expectations. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 Umm. Wait. You say you haven't consummated the marriage? IF that is true, then let her have the divorce and find someone worthy of loving. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 You say you haven't consummated the marriage yeah - that's a whole other problem...... Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 (edited) I would not wait for her to file for divorce. I would do it myself. Spending that much money - money that you do not have - on a second wedding is irresponsible. A wedding is one day in your life. One day, that you enjoy but it passes and you move on with your life. What your wife is doing is unfair to you - using the threat of divorce and emotional manipulation to try and guilt you into making a decision that you know is a poor decision. Have you seriously not consummated your marriage in the past three years that you have been married? If that is true, you have more issues than an entitled wife who wants a wedding redo... Edited June 16, 2019 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pyruvate Posted June 16, 2019 Author Share Posted June 16, 2019 (edited) I would not wait for her to file for divorce. I would do it myself. Spending that much money - money that you do not have - on a second wedding is irresponsible. A wedding is one day in your life. One day, that you enjoy but it passes and you move on with your life. What your wife is doing is unfair to you - using the threat of divorce and emotional manipulation to try and guilt you into making a decision that you know is a poor decision. Have you seriously not consummated your marriage in the past three years that you have been married? If that is true, you have more issues than an entitled wife who wants a wedding redo... Hey everyone, I just want to clarify one thing. I do have about $ 15000 in savings but that is really all I have and in light of the fact that I have to look out for the both of us, I really want to save this for a rainy day like a layoff or emergency instead of spending from it on anything else at this point. Technically I could pay for the redo but then it would be harder for us to settle down afterwards. And no, we have not consummated our marriage yet. I am aware it is an issue and that is something which also weighs heavily on my mind. Edited June 16, 2019 by pyruvate Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 (edited) Hey everyone, I just want to clarify one thing. I do have about $ 15000 in savings but that is really all I have. Technically I could pay for the redo but then it would be harder for us to settle down afterwards. Hmm... put that money toward a home or ensuring the financial security of your family or having a wedding redo to please your wife... with the hope that she will have sex with you. Dude, this wouldn’t even be a difficult decision for me. I would file for an annulment. With respect, it doesn’t really matter how much money you have in the bank. It will never be enough. The issue here is not the wedding, it is related to respect, values, and your future goals. If your wife is withholding sex and/or attempting to emotionally manipulate you to get her way... that is selfish, immature, manipulative, and entitled behavior. Whatever amount of money you have in the bank, it doesn’t actually matter... Edited June 16, 2019 by BaileyB 3 Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 Get a divorce - this marriage is never going to come together. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 I agree with Bailey. Don't spend your hard earned money on a redo. I think what you need is a reTHINK about this marriage. I understand that you love her, but do you want to spend your life catering to her unreasonable demands and using sex as a bargaining tool? Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 You have been married for 3 years & you have not consummated the marriage? I have bad news for you, you may not be legally married. What she is doing is called marital abandonment. She's also putting the trivial -- the ceremony & wedding day -- ahead of what's really important, building a life together. You are stuck with a lemon. You are not being selfish, she is. She's blackmailing you which is a lousy way to start a marriage. A half dozen things went wrong at my wedding. So what? We're still married & we love each other. That is what is important. Your wife has a screw loose. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 I won't comment on whether or not you should do the "second wedding" since it's something so personal, but this: If I don't agree to this wedding redo, she has said she will ask for a divorce. This is such a ginormous red flag that a celestial bull would come charging at it from a thousand light years away. Give her the divorce that she wants, IMO. You'll have dodged a huge bullet. You have been married for 3 years & you have not consummated the marriage? I have bad news for you, you may not be legally married. I don't think it actually works this way in this day and age, lol. How do you even prove there was no intercourse, and how does this apply to gay/lesbian marriages, asexuals, men with ED, transgenders who haven't completed their op, couples who just don't do intercourse, etc? If you signed the paper, you're married. In order to leave, you have to get divorced. "Consummation" being a required part of legal marriage was only a thing back in the old days when the pastor could decide whether you were married or not. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 I think the real problem is that your wife doesn't want to have sex with you. Even if you give her a redo wedding she will still not want to have sex with you and she will find yet another big obstacle you have to overcome first. I don't know how much experience you have with women so just to let you know, women like sex too. When a woman is sexually attracted to a man she wants him as much as he wants her. A woman would not spend 3yrs denying sex to her husband if she loved him and was sexually attracted to him. Your wife either hates sex in general or she just finds the thought of sex with you to be unappealing. In either case it equals a life without sex for you. I'd say let her have her divorce and no you are not being unreasonable. I suspect she's just using this redo wedding as a way to avoid sex with you but if she seriously expects a whole 2nd wedding this soon into the marriage, when finances and career are not sold then she is immature and childish. So do you want to spend your life with childish partner who doesn't want to have sex with you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 I think the real problem is that your wife doesn't want to have sex with you. Even if you give her a redo wedding she will still not want to have sex with you and she will find yet another big obstacle you have to overcome first. I don't know how much experience you have with women so just to let you know, women like sex too. When a woman is sexually attracted to a man she wants him as much as he wants her. A woman would not spend 3yrs denying sex to her husband if she loved him and was sexually attracted to him. It sounds like they (or at least the wife) is from a conservative country. Unfortunately, in some of those places, sex is indeed viewed as something that a woman "gives" her husband, not something that she enjoys or wants. Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 Why do you have to send her money? Is she not able to work and earn her own? I'd be telling her if she wants another wedding then she should earn the money to pay for it....but really this sounds like an awful marriage, I agree with the others, let her divorce you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 If I went to a wedding and the couple had a 'redo' a few years later because they didn't like the first, I would roll my eyes at them. A simple renewal of vows is lovely, but a whole second wedding event is simply vain and wasteful. I understand her disappointment at your behaviour the first time around, but do you really want to be a laughing stock having a second wedding? I agree that you should simply seek an annulment. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 And no, we have not consummated our marriage yet. I am aware it is an issue and that is something which also weighs heavily on my mind. Oh man, you seriously need to open your eyes. If you think $13k, nearly all of your savings, spent on a redo is going to guarantee happily ever after, you are sadly mistaken. What will happen is that you'll end up flat broke and nothing to show for it other than a woman whose expectations are in the stratosphere, and when the money is gone she will be too. When people's expectations aren't grounded in reality, you can't make'em happy. And what if something isn't perfect about the redo? As much as I'm sure you don't want to hear this, you need to file an annulment and let her find someone else to fulfill her fantasies of grandeur. I can't believe that you would even consider blowing that money on a redo wedding for a woman you've been married to for 3 years and have not even had sex with. This is serious cray-cray territory. Sorry. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 she has no clue about money, she has never had to be responsible, that is obvious, so be cautious - - or drop her Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 16, 2019 Share Posted June 16, 2019 Your wife is immature and ridiculous. Let her go. I should add that perhaps your wife is very young or there are some cultural nuances that I'm missing. I understand the heartache of an awful wedding. My entire wedding experience was terrible. We had a lavish vow renewal planned but I decided against it because I knew that we could spend our money on more worthwhile endeavors. My husband and I have been married for 9 years. We have decided to privately renew our vows in Paris when we hit 15 years. This won't break the bank and we will also be able to enjoy Paris the way we couldn't the first time we went 2 years ago. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pyruvate Posted June 17, 2019 Author Share Posted June 17, 2019 If I went to a wedding and the couple had a 'redo' a few years later because they didn't like the first, I would roll my eyes at them. A simple renewal of vows is lovely, but a whole second wedding event is simply vain and wasteful. I understand her disappointment at your behaviour the first time around, but do you really want to be a laughing stock having a second wedding? I agree that you should simply seek an annulment. It sounds like they (or at least the wife) is from a conservative country. Unfortunately, in some of those places, sex is indeed viewed as something that a woman "gives" her husband, not something that she enjoys or wants. Hey Elswyth, you are correct in this. She is from the Middle East so there is definitely the aspect that sex is something the woman "gives" to the man. We have had non penetrative sex though but she wants to hold off on anything more until we have that second wedding. Part of this is also me. I can't really get fully turned on because she doesn't want to get fully naked in front of me. I would really like to see her in a bra and panties but I haven't had that chance. But the responses from everyone are clear. I was totally honest with you guys and framed my question in a way that was fair to her as well but I guess the overwhelming response here is that I am not in the wrong. I guess the only thing to do now is to confront her and say that I cannot commit to a redo. I did actually propose a vow renewal but she wasn't OK with that. To me a renewal would be really nice. She gets to wear her dress again and we have our closest friends attend. I will try to pitch that idea to her again. Also, I have had lingering feelings that she may not be satisfied with this redo but then the thought of her living her life alone afterwards just brings me to tears. I really want to be there for her in all the ups and downs. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 (edited) You really have to ask yourself what is more important - the commitment you made to each other on the day that you would live as man and wife and share life’s joy, challenges, and tragedy... or, the party itself. If the commitment was more important, she would have no problem renewing your vows before family and friends. Obviously, she wants “the wedding.” She is prepared to mortgage your future so that she can have another party and enjoy the attention. Of course, there is a cultural consideration here. Still, you have different values and different goals. And that, is why this marriage is not going to work. You throw her the wedding of her dreams, and she will want a big house. Work yourself to the bone to buy her a big house, and she will want something else... A woman who truly loves a man does not behave in this way. I don’t know a man of sound mind and body who would be willing to wait three years to see his wife without clothing and have sex with his bride. And, I don’t know a woman who is attracted to a man who would wait three years to be intimate with her husband. Edited June 17, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 We have had non penetrative sex though but she wants to hold off on anything more until we have that second wedding. OK, so your wife was sick the week of the wedding, I can see how that would put a damper on intimacy. But there was the week after that. And the week after that. What reason did she give you in the beginning for a lack of married sex? Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 Also, I have had lingering feelings that she may not be satisfied with this redo but then the thought of her living her life alone afterwards just brings me to tears. I really want to be there for her in all the ups and downs. But why would you want to be there for someone who clearly cares so little about you that she is willing to discard you over a "wedding re-do"? You've seen her true colors now - what will she threaten you with next? A divorce if you don't buy a 4-storey mansion for both of you within the next 5 years, perhaps? You have an opportunity to get out relatively easily now. Let her sign the divorce papers (unlike others here, I sincerely doubt you'd be able to get an "annulment" after 3 years if you've signed the papers in your home country). Do you really want to spend your life in abject misery? Link to post Share on other sites
healing light Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 Wow. Yes, this situation has red flags all over it. I echo Mr. Lucky's sentiment--has she always tied in the lack of physical intimacy with the quality of the wedding, even in the beginning of the marriage? Has she demonstrated any interest in you outside of your money? I don't mean to sound rude, but how are the other parts of your marriage? When I first read your post, my immediate thought was that a vow renewal would be perfect in this situation. If you were otherwise going to go on an annual vacation or to a nice spot out in nature, you could renew your vows with some beautiful sentiment among your closest friends and have a nice dinner. So, I find it quite telling that this is not an acceptable option to her... How often do you actually see your wife in person? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Flame Aura Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 There is so much wrong in this whole scenario from sending her money all the time to threatening to get a divorce to never even seeing her naked after how many years, let alone having sex with her. I will be honest, you should drop her asap, she is taking you for a mug, and a big one at that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Arieswoman Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 pyruvate, I'm sorry to tell you but if the mariage hasn't been consummated then it isn't a real marriage. You don't need a divorce. You can get an 'annulment' based on the fact that it hasn't been consummated. You need to talk to a solicitor/lawyer and get yourself out of this situation, it seems all wrong to me. Sorry. x 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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