Lovezen_30 Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 I posted a while about how my LDR boyfriend had been distant. Well, I talked to him about it and after that everything was great. We talked every day since & then I went to visit him last week (just got back today) and we were so excited planning of the trip, were still Skyping for hours every week etc. Well 2 days into the trip, he tells me he wants an open relationship. That nothing has happened yet, but someone asked him on a date. He still wants to be with me but is in a new city and also wants to date around. Hearing this made me feel like trash and also trapped as I was alone with him in a foreign country with no one to turn to. In the end we behaved like a couple until I left this morning - I told him I cannot do an open relationship as I need the exclusivity and he said cannot consistently commit to me at this point in his life. He said he really wants to stay in touch and he's horrified at the thought of losing me - I simply said 'no' although it killed me to say it. I just feel so bloody miserable...I was so looking forward to seeing him and when I get there he tells me that! Remember he had asked me to move with him so I'd even been learning the language etc Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 Well, that sucks but I must say that you are one savvy chick to have the personal boundaries in place and the resolve to not settle just to be with him while he boinks other chicks. Particularly because he will have more bonding time with anyone he hooks up with there and it would be really heart shredding when (most likely) he forsakes you for the person he's spending the most time with. Please thank your lucky stars that he was honest with you so that you could make that very right decision to tell him "no." Now hitch up your resolve and don't let him hoover you back in with BS. You will never be able to trust him now that he's asked for non monogamy. Heal and when you are indifferent to him, you will find a good guy close to where you live who won't want to share you with anyone. You're a catch with a good self-wort so it will happen sooner than you think. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
nolanola Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 You did the right thing. If you want exclusivity, then you have every right to say no to this. I know it hurts so much right now but I think it will hurt much less than the open relationship. There are so many times in my life that I wished I had set boundaries for myself. Because at the time, I didn't stand up for myself because I wanted to "keep" the guy at any cost. But the cost to me wound up being huge because I let the guy know that I would stay around no matter what. And my guy was long distance too. I dearly wish I could go back in time to that point when my guy told me he couldn't be fully committed to me. I wish I could go back and tell him that I respected his decision but that meant that I needed to walk away for my own heart. Because I spent the next few years entangled with him, hoping he would change his mind, and being disappointed every time. I am impressed with your strength! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BluEyeL Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 How insulting that he even thought you'd accept such a crappy deal. I'm really sorry, but good for you! You have self respect and know you deserve way better than this! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 Sorry to hear that. I'm glad you kicked him to the curb where he belongs, and it's a good thing that he shows you his true colors now rather than after you'd moved. I'd hope you never encounter something like this again, but in the future, don't be afraid of traveling alone. Being alone in a foreign country may feel scary, but if you overcome that fear, you'll have a fantastic time with or without a partner. Use Google Translate, it's amazing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovezen_30 Posted June 17, 2019 Author Share Posted June 17, 2019 How insulting that he even thought you'd accept such a crappy deal. I'm really sorry, but good for you! You have self respect and know you deserve way better than this! Exactly, I actually said you've completely insulted me. He asked me to take some time to think about an open relationship - I simply said 'no' and his face just fell. My only solace is that I know how much he will miss me. All throughout the night he was clinging on to me and caressing me more than usual. He was upset this morning & told me how much he'd miss me - but he's clearly made his bed and will need to lie in it now. Your comments are cheering me up. I could have accepted and kept him in my life because I love him - but I knew my self respect would be in tatters. I honestly thought we had something very special and was shocked by this. I really feel like I've lost my best friend. It's awful knowing we won't speak again because I've enforced that rule. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 Good for you for not giving in to something that is uncomfortable for you, OP. I unfortunately think your relationship was doomed the moment he suggested opening it, regardless of what your response was. He is not on the same page as you if he is considering dating someone else, and chances are that he eventually would have opted to explore another option more seriously and cut ties with you. It will be hard but it would have ultimately been much worse when the night came for him to go on his date and you would be fretting at home wondering where he'd gone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovezen_30 Posted June 17, 2019 Author Share Posted June 17, 2019 Good for you for not giving in to something that is uncomfortable for you, OP. I unfortunately think your relationship was doomed the moment he suggested opening it, regardless of what your response was. He is not on the same page as you if he is considering dating someone else, and chances are that he eventually would have opted to explore another option more seriously and cut ties with you. It will be hard but it would have ultimately been much worse when the night came for him to go on his date and you would be fretting at home wondering where he'd gone. He actually said he might not date anyone else at all, but for now wants the option. Since the LDR started & all the Skypes dates we've had, discussion about me moving there, etc, not once did he bring up the idea of dating other people or being 'open'. It feels like a massive waste. Just last night we had a fantastic date, went for dinner and to a show, I felt so in love. He said he'd loved having me there and would like to visit me soon. Then we get home & he lands that on me. Right up until this morning I still felt he loved me - but clearly a guy who is saying I can date others can't love me. I feel like I don't understand anything about love at this point Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 I'm sure he loves(ed) you. Lots of people can compartmentalize sex from love (more men than women it seems). There are plenty of both men and woman who are polyamorous and there are even those who are incapable of maintaining monogamy for any length of time. That doesn't mean they don't love the person they chose to commit to though. Many, many people break up who love one another but they can't stay together because of on deal breaker or another. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovezen_30 Posted June 17, 2019 Author Share Posted June 17, 2019 I'm sure he loves(ed) you. Lots of people can compartmentalize sex from love (more men than women it seems). There are plenty of both men and woman who are polyamorous and there are even those who are incapable of maintaining monogamy for any length of time. That doesn't mean they don't love the person they chose to commit to though. Many, many people break up who love one another but they can't stay together because of on deal breaker or another. That's what almost makes it feel worse. There were no screaming matches, we simply kissed and said goodbye this morning and that's it. Can you believe, I actually feel bad for saying 'no' to continuing contact. I just don't know how I'll ever get him out of my system romantically, if I stay on any terms with him. I told him I don't want to be with someone that is happy to share me and vice versa. I finally had a good sob and it feels like someone has died He is the person I turn to when things go badly, my rock, so I'm really feeling it. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 He just wants sex and variety sex and doesn't see you as someone to settle down with and is nowhere near wanting to settle down. I know it sucks, but I am happy for you that you found out before you would have moved there or let him move where you are. Just cut him off and go find a nice local guy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 ^^I agree with this. No man who loves a woman gives her permission to have sex with another man. No, he's definitely got someone lined up that he wants to explore. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovezen_30 Posted June 17, 2019 Author Share Posted June 17, 2019 He just wants sex and variety sex and doesn't see you as someone to settle down with and is nowhere near wanting to settle down. I know it sucks, but I am happy for you that you found out before you would have moved there or let him move where you are. Just cut him off and go find a nice local guy. He said he needs time to get his act together before he can be in a relationship; that he doesn't expect me to wait, but hopes it wouldn't take too long and when he's ready he'd want to be with me. I just said 'no, I won't wait.' I was very curt about it all because I was so deeply hurt. Actually he is on anti-depressants and I have to say that his behaviour at times during that trip was kind of concerning. It's frustrating because I rarely find guys that I match up with in all the right ways - I felt I'd find most of it in him. Given my last ex cheated and now this, I'm feeling super, super fed up with dating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovezen_30 Posted June 17, 2019 Author Share Posted June 17, 2019 ^^I agree with this. No man who loves a woman gives her permission to have sex with another man. No, he's definitely got someone lined up that he wants to explore. Well he told me about a woman he'd met who has asked him on a date. He said he didn't think he was going to accept but he did want to be open to dating generally, 'I might not even end up dating anyone else, but it's just to have the option there'. Yeah, that felt great... Meanwhile, I told him I'd been asked on a date last week and felt weird about it because of my feelings for him! It made me feel like garbage when he said I could see other men. Really heart-breaking. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 Can you believe, I actually feel bad for saying 'no' to continuing contact. I just don't know how I'll ever get him out of my system romantically, if I stay on any terms with him. You certainly don't need to feel bad - polyamory can be great for those who tolerate it well, but believe it can be an absolute nightmare for those who don't. If those are your boundaries, you were absolutely right to walk away from this. Very unfair of him to spring this on you late in the game IMO. And stupid too in the sense that he was clearly attached to you as well. He should have brought it up a LOT earlier if there was even a remote chance. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 . He said he didn't think he was going to accept but he did want to be open to dating generally, 'I might not even end up dating anyone else, but it's just to have the option there'. Yeah, that felt great... Me thinks he's a liar. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovezen_30 Posted June 17, 2019 Author Share Posted June 17, 2019 You certainly don't need to feel bad - polyamory can be great for those who tolerate it well, but believe it can be an absolute nightmare for those who don't. If those are your boundaries, you were absolutely right to walk away from this. Very unfair of him to spring this on you late in the game IMO. And stupid too in the sense that he was clearly attached to you as well. He should have brought it up a LOT earlier if there was even a remote chance. While living in the same city he never brought it up & neither of us dated anyone else. But now he's in a new city he's clearly in the mindset of wanting to explore new opportunities. With the 'open relationship' there's no way I'd be making plans to actually close the gap and live in his city with him if he was carrying on like that. That was the big kicker. I wanted a commitment if I was going to move countries ffs. After suggesting polyamory last night & me saying no, he said 'I think there'll be a moment tomorrow where I go, oh god, what have I done'. He told me he'll really miss me & I said 'well, you're choosing to let me go'. And he said 'how? I want to be with you' (but not exclusively) ahhh. such a mind f*ck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovezen_30 Posted June 17, 2019 Author Share Posted June 17, 2019 Me thinks he's a liar. I actually got annoyed and said 'look, why don't you just be honest and admit you want to see several women and that's what this is about?' He said the possibility was just one small part of non-exclusivity. He said his issues with depression and anxiety were holding him back from being able to commit seriously for the time-being. He said he needs time to work through those issues and to fully understand himself and who he is. Because I was staying with him for several days, I saw him taking pills multiple times, which he seemed very self conscious about. He said he'd been showing me the best side of himself and found it hard for me to see the real, vulnerable him during a longer trip When I said I didn't want to stay in touch, he went quiet and said he's been more vulnerable and open with me than he's ever been with another person. I'm glad he opened up to me, but I can't stick around under these circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 This guy is a major tool. Find somebody worthy. As somebody else mentioned - no self-respecting man who is deeply in love with a woman is going to allow her to sleep with other men. EVER. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 Respectfully, @Highndry, I don't think you can claim to speak for all males on the planet. That said, I get what you're saying and the cases where what you're saying wouldn't be true are probably rare. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovezen_30 Posted June 17, 2019 Author Share Posted June 17, 2019 Respectfully, @Highndry, I don't think you can claim to speak for all males on the planet. That said, I get what you're saying and the cases where what you're saying wouldn't be true are probably rare. I find it troubling that he has done this while behaving in a committed, loving way. How do you ever tell the difference then? Every time we have been together I have felt he has been totally in love with me. So, to have him say you can now be with other men? For me, it simply doesn't compute. It makes me wonder how I could have misconstrued the situation. I was completely dumb-founded by his suggestion. Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 I find it troubling that he has done this while behaving in a committed, loving way. How do you ever tell the difference then? Every time we have been together I have felt he has been totally in love with me. So, to have him say you can now be with other men? For me, it simply doesn't compute. It makes me wonder how I could have misconstrued the situation. I was completely dumb-founded by his suggestion. I'll tell you what happened - he was approached by a woman who he found extremely attractive and he wants his cake and to eat it, too. If things work out with her, you're ancient history. This isn't a gender thing, women do it, too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lovezen_30 Posted June 17, 2019 Author Share Posted June 17, 2019 I'll tell you what happened - he was approached by a woman who he found extremely attractive and he wants his cake and to eat it, too. If things work out with her, you're ancient history. This isn't a gender thing, women do it, too. This situation is more heart-breaking for me because I met him while getting over my cheating ex (also LDR), who also left me for someone else local. This guy knew about that and said, just one month ago, 'I'm going to take much better care of you'.... ….objectively, I feel like I have a lot going for me. These guys both fell in love with me and then decided they weren't serious about me after all. How am I supposed to keep forging ahead with dating when this is what happens? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 This situation is more heart-breaking for me because I met him while getting over my cheating ex (also LDR), who also left me for someone else local. This guy knew about that and said, just one month ago, 'I'm going to take much better care of you'.... ….objectively, I feel like I have a lot going for me. These guys both fell in love with me and then decided they weren't serious about me after all. How am I supposed to keep forging ahead with dating when this is what happens? Just realize it's not you. You have plenty to attract AND KEEP men, you just didn't find the right ones. It's no different than what happened to me with my ex-gf. I actually thought I would be with her for the rest of my life in the 1st year, but she ended up having BPD and all sorts of mental crap which ruined the relationship. What she portrayed herself as early on was not who she really was, and she wasn't a person of her word. It's painful to find these things out, but all we can do is move on. You'll find another guy, you'll just have to have faith. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 17, 2019 Share Posted June 17, 2019 I agree this must feel perturbing. I'd say keep trying - there are men who want a loyal wife and who want to be loyal in return. Once you're a bit healed emotionally, I'd say keep at it. Link to post Share on other sites
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