I smell a ghost or slow fade on the horizon...

[MABD]

Started dating a man about a month ago, things have been great! He is extremely sweet (although I’ve suspected lovebombing). We’ve established exclusivity, he’s invited me to a family wedding which is this weekend also. We’ve shared our feelings for eachother, where we stand, and agreed we’re both interested in seeing where this goes and are in it for the relationship not just casual bs. We’re both late 30’s, divorced single parents. He does know I’ve had a some bad experiences in dating and that I’m guarded, to which he replied that he would hope I’d give him the chance to prove that I can trust him regardless of how long it takes.

 

Last week we slept together for the first time. It was awesome! Things continued as normal the next 2 days until I did notice texting slowed down a little bit. I didn’t freak and just accepted it as him either taking some space or getting comfortable. He still continued good morning/good night and initiated texts through out the day. I know the continuous texting is unreasonable. He’s also continued to tell me how much he missed me (we both had our kids this past weekend and couldn’t get together) and that he was looking forward to spending next weekend together at the wedding!

 

We made plans to hang out today. Yesterday I woke up to a sweet GM text again telling me how much he missed me and was excited to see me tomorrow. Texts weren’t abundant since it was father’s day.

 

This morning, same GM text as usual. We exchanged a few quick messages and I said “can’t wait till later” and said “me either babe”. I shot him a text around 8 am telling him that I hoped he had a great day at work and to text me later....no response. About 4 hours later I texted him letting him know I was able to get out of work a few hours earlier and to see if we were still on since it was earlier than planned.... that was 4.5 hours ago

 

Now I know it’s ridiculous because it’s only been a few hours... but it’s the LONGEST he’s EVER went without responding!

 

Why would he go out of his way to text me this morning for a bit to just end up ghosting?! Doesn’t make sense! I’ve been ghosted.. it was never like this! Am I being paranoid by assuming he’s ghosting me? Again, I understand he’s at work, however it’s never been an issue before.

[Curiousroxy86]

1. Stop double texting. If you sent one text and he hasn’t responded reframe from sending another. He sees your text. He will text back if he wants to

 

2. Wait and see. If you texted him something and he responds within 24 hours then don’t assume you have been ghosted.

 

3. Imo you should Let him initiate mostly. A man can smell neediness miles away and you run a greater risk of him losing attraction to you if you keep initiating contact and double texting and please for the love of God don’t communicate your insecurities even if it’s in a joking way “is everything okay” “you didn’t text me in four hours” “I thought you ghosted me like the last guy” “do you really want to see me today”. Not saying you do this but just in case I want to encourage you not to before these inner fears seep out in your communication.

[SophieG]

My bf can take up to 8 hours to answer a text, and other times, he’ll answer in seconds. I don’t think anything of it. If we have something planned, I text him and don’t have an answer, I’ll assume we’re still on as planned and go to the location. If I can’t make it for whatever reason, I’ll text and call if he didn’t text back, just to make sure he gets the message.

I personally don’t worry before a good 24-48h of no contact.

So my suggestion would be to act as if your plans still stand and go there (wherever you were suppose to meet)

[MABD]

1. Stop double texting. If you sent one text and he hasn’t responded reframe from sending another. He sees your text. He will text back if he wants to

 

2. Wait and see. If you texted him something and he responds within 24 hours then don’t assume you have been ghosted.

 

3. Imo you should Let him initiate mostly. A man can smell neediness miles away and you run a greater risk of him losing attraction to you if you keep initiating contact and double texting and please for the love of God don’t communicate your insecurities even if it’s in a joking way “is everything okay” “you didn’t text me in four hours” “I thought you ghosted me like the last guy” “do you really want to see me today”. Not saying you do this but just in case I want to encourage you not to before these inner fears seep out in your communication.

 

 

I might not be been clear in above post, I typically do let him initiate the texts! I probably wouldn’t be freaking out AS hard if we didn’t have plans for this evening.

[MABD]

So my next question is that in the case that he is not responding on purpose... I know not to contact him however we do have the wedding this weekend, and I’d like to know if I’m still going or if I need to return the stuff I purchased for the weekend away.

 

How would I go about that?

[Curiousroxy86]

K imma bit confused.

 

If y’all are suppose to see each other today then just assume you still are.....

 

Don’t worry about this weekend. Worry about today.

 

Is he suppose to pick you up, is he suppose to come to where you are, are you suppose to go to where he is?

 

Whatever the original plan was go with that

[Flame Aura]

I'm confused..what time is it where you are?

 

What time did you agree to meet? Has it passed already?

[Curiousroxy86]

 

This morning, same GM text as usual. We exchanged a few quick messages and I said “can’t wait till later” and said “me either babe”. I shot him a text around 8 am telling him that I hoped he had a great day at work and to text me later....no response. About 4 hours later I texted him letting him know I was able to get out of work a few hours earlier and to see if we were still on since it was earlier than planned.... that was 4.5 hours ago

 

 

To me the “me either babe” sounds like your guys are still on. I wouldn’t have even texted further than that. And even if I did and he didn’t respond I wouldn’t have texted again. That’s what I mean by double texting....

 

op you have no choice but to wait and see and stop panicking. Calm the eff down. If you don’t hear from him within 24 hours theeeeen you can get upset. Right now though it’s not the time. Go do something useful lol.

[The Outlaw]

Give him time. Something may have come up and he may not be able to respond quite yet, or he may have not have even gotten or seen the text. I know it's easy to do, because I've been ghosted also, but don't jump the gun yet. But if he does ghost you, you really haven't lost anything. Actions speak louder than words and that's a clear cut picture of who someone really is. And they aren't worth it. Ever. Don't text him back today. Just wait and see and try not to worry about it.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I may have the unpopular opinion, but that would worry me as well. I have had a couple situations where the texts died off w/guys I was dating. This was def a sign of low interest or that they were going to dump me. If texting starts out pretty consistent, it should remain about the same. Most people always have their phone on them. Texting is easy, so why not text your partner back?

[MABD]

There was not a set time as I told him I was going to try to get out of work earlier. Typically I will let him know that day what exact time I’ll be outta work unless we have like concrete plans.

 

So when I texted him about me being able to get out early it was more of a confirmation if the earlier time worked for him.

 

He hasn’t texted me since 7:30 this morning.. 9.5 hours... it’s pretty obvious

 

It’s like I want to day something along the lines of that if he needed space, wanted to slow things down, or had a change of heart to have let me know and that I’m disappointed he didn’t. I’m the type of person where I’d rather have it straight then wonder

 

Again, I’ve NEVER been ghosted like this...I admit the fewer texts had me worried however to then come back with the sweet good morning texts and “babe this, baby that, I miss you” I thought I was just being paranoid and it was all in my head!

 

he was literally making plans to attend my work function which is in July on Friday. None of this making any freakin sense

[gradh]

I've been seeing a guy for about the same amount of time. His cell number is in my phone and if anything happened to my phone, I wouldn't know how to reach him

 

Before you completely panic, please remember that a lot can happen in a day. For all you know he dropped his phone into a lake while walking during his lunch break. Or, work got crazy busy and he didn't notice your texts or his phone died and he forgot his charger at home.

 

If he blows you off tonight, then get upset. But don't condemn the man before you know all the facts.

 

Having said all that, I do hope he responds to you soon and that you go out and have a nice night together.

[Curiousroxy86]

I still think you should calm down for now. texting him more isn’t going to make him want to text you if he is ghosting you and if something happened you would feel really bad and foolish for overreacting....

 

Wait and see.

 

If you don’t hear from him at all tonight feel free to send a breakup text tomorrow

[Versacehottie]

Sometimes you have to let the short term stuff go for the long term health of the relationship. In this case, it would be better to not chase after him about tonight, about the wedding and see what he does. If he waits too long make other plans. And let's be real, you don't have to return whatever clothing you got already, come on that's just an excuse because you are dying to know to what's going on.

 

Don't let your anxiety get the best of you. It's not worth it. It better to not go tonight, not go this weekend if he can't be a good boyfriend and doesn't treat you right.

[kendahke]

So my next question is that in the case that he is not responding on purpose... I know not to contact him however we do have the wedding this weekend, and I’d like to know if I’m still going or if I need to return the stuff I purchased for the weekend away.

 

How would I go about that?

 

 

You don't need to know that today. He's done nothing but give you every assurance of where he stands with you, but you're looking for the lie in it. Why? What has he done (not your ex's, but him) before today to make you think he's playing you out?

 

Stop living in the future. Learn to self soothe without jumping to the worst conclusions. Stop going about this as if you're trying to prove your worst opinions of a guy right.

[frus69]

What time is it now? Are you supposed to meet up now? Has he shown up?

I wouldnt just jump to the conclusion that he ghosted you. Maybe he got into an accident

[MABD]

I texted him. And as bad as I didn’t want to, the struggle is real and I broke. It wasn’t needy, pathetic, etc.

 

I told him that since I hadn’t heard from him (we both know I would’ve been over there by now) that something is up. That whatever the reason is I respect his decision but would appreciate it if he could clue me in so that we’re on the same page “...

 

It would hurt BAD if he texted me and broke it off, but I’d welcome it more than this! He knows I took off work, and spent some money renting dresses of his family’s wedding this weekend. He also knows the bull**** I’ve been through in the past that has ****ed up my ability to trust people (my ex husband was an asshat).

 

The fact that he’s told me to “give him the chance to prove to me that he’s in this for something long term with me and allow him the chance to trust him”... then continuing with the sweet texts and conversation is what’s REALLY messed up about it!

[frus69]

Why dont you give him a CALL? you have every right to since you are supposed to be meeting now. Or you could just go to the place and have a look? Or you can go to his place?

Edited June 18, 2019 by frus69

[MABD]

Why dont you give him a CALL? you have every right to since you are supposed to be meeting now. Or you could just go to the place and have a look? Or you can go to his place?

 

I did. I called him before I sent that last text. No Answer!

 

He lives about 6 blocks away from me, so I did casually drive by on my way to get food. His car is there and no other cars by the house either.

 

Again, I’ve been married, divorced, dumped, ghosted, slow faded, etc... a part of me wants to just own the fact that it’s over and tell him off... but then a small part of me wants to have hope that maybe he’s having a moment and will be back.

 

The worst is that he KNOWS I took time off of work and spent a **** ton of money on dresses and stuff for this coming wedding weekend.... so do I just take the hint and don’t even ask about going or do I reach out one more time before just to see if he responds and confirms..ugh

[frus69]

a small part of me wants to have hope that maybe he’s having a moment and will be back.

 

 

Actually, the only excuse you can accept now is that he got hit by a car. Do not accept any other excuse and let him back. Because whatever happened, he should have let you know. If he's the kind of person that disappears when something's up instead of communicate and work it through, you dont want him in your life. No matter he resurface later or not, it's going to cost you a lot, mentally, physically and monetarily.

 

Are you suggesting he is at home? I would personally go knock on his door. But it's up to you. You can just move on. You dont need to text him again

Edited June 18, 2019 by frus69

[Curiousroxy86]

Don’t text him anymore

 

If he text you anything other than a really good reason why his car is at his place and why he didn’t respond like a thief broken in and knocked him out cold and robbed his place while he laid their unconscious then ignore his texts and calls and move on

 

If he does text a really good reason It’s your prerogative to forgive (I would ask for proof. I had a narc ex who ignored a text and a call. Time past where I pretty much knew he was ignoring me on purpose. I blocked his number. I was done. He eventually blew up my phone calling from a home phone number I didn’t have. He claimed he was in the hospital. I asked for proof like hospital papers but he kept making excuses. I broke up with the boy). So don’t text him at this point and move on.

 

If he text breaking up don’t respond

If he text I’m so sorry I fell asleep don’t respond

If he text I wasn’t home I was out....don’t respond

If he text I was going through some things don’t respond

If he text saying I thought you was just going to come over don’t respond

If he text saying he needs space don’t respond

 

Just move on

 

Going off isn’t going to make guys like that see the light and work to be a better boyfriend

 

Explaining how he hurt you is also pointless because guys know right from wrong when they are doing dirt

 

Let him go and move on

[Gretchen12]

The you "respect his decision" bit pretty much dooms it. Even if there was a good reason and you weren't being ghosted, and he explains and the relationship continues, now he knows you do this if he doesn't text back. So he has to ask himself if he wants to do this.. It's fine whatever your expectations and requirements are, and past hurts. You need not justify it. But not everyone is up for it. That's a matter of compatibility.

 

Something similar happened to me with a guy when I didn't text back same day and got a text from him saying basically he knows it's over but that I should return his stuff. I was like "What the..." Anyway it told me there will be more problems ahead and I didn't want that. In my case it felt like he was controlling. (Of course every relationship is different and I'm sensitive to being controlled) So I went along with him and ended it.

 

I'm not sure if you really believe he ghosted you, or you just didn't like having to wait for a reply. No one likes waiting for a reply. If you genuinely believe he ghosted you then you can stop waiting and wondering, and start moving forward. That is, if you are really convinced he ghosted you. And if you're not sure, then you shouldn't send such texts.

[frus69]

 

Something similar happened to me with a guy when I didn't text back same day and got a text from him saying basically he knows it's over but that I should return his stuff. I was like "What the..." Anyway it told me there will be more problems ahead and I didn't want that. In my case it felt like he was controlling. (Of course every relationship is different and I'm sensitive to being controlled) So I went along with him and ended it.

 

 

This is different. They were supposed to meet NOW. But he is nowhere to be known. So it's not like nothing is happening and OP just randomly said "I know this is over".OP is not controlling for sending that text

[Saracena]

The you "respect his decision" bit pretty much dooms it. Even if there was a good reason and you weren't being ghosted, and he explains and the relationship continues, now he knows you do this if he doesn't text back. So he has to ask himself if he wants to do this...

 

Agree 100% with this. How you react/respond in situations like this is crucial to what happens next as it can speak volumes to the other person, who can interpret your actions as a major red flag. Your best bet when someone is pulling away is to play it cool and wait from THEM to contact you! AND when they do continue to be cool and casual if it's within a reasonable time, of course!

 

Folks, we must rem OP had sex for first time which is an important factor here.

It's not uncommon for guys to pull away a bit afterwards.

 

Sorry to hear you find yourself in this situation OP.I take it you've heard nothing since?

[Curiousroxy86]

This is different. They were supposed to meet NOW. But he is nowhere to be known. So it's not like nothing is happening and OP just randomly said "I know this is over".OP is not controlling for sending that text

 

I kinda wish she would have gave it the 24 hours though...initiating text after she already texted does nothing for her and as you can see he didn't text back any faster...if at all.

 

I personally understand why she feels the way she feels. but her reactions does nothing for a self esteem to act crazy and the guy still ignores her. it only makes her feel worst.

 

she would have did better just to send a breakup text the next day...