My ex turns up 15 years later and i guess i'm just not over him

[ButterscotchBeach]

I'm sorry if I go on a bit here, but I'm turning to the internet because I feel like my life's a mess right now!

TLDR: Is my ex from 15 years ago has turned up I my life and I've lost my head!

 

Right back to the beginning:

Lets call him Billy. We grew up together pretty much. He was 1yr old and my older brothers best friend!

We weren't well off but we were okay, my dad was in the army, my mum worked part time. Billy had it tough. His dad committed suicide when he was 6, his mum suffered on and off with a drinking problem. When she was bad mum would have Billy over a lot, she always wanted to make sure he had a proper meal. His mum actually managed to get sober and straightened out for about 18 months when she died of a sudden illness when he was 15. He was fostered after that by the lady that owned the mobile home park they lived on, so he was basically on his own from then.

 

The relevance of this is that if anyone had a right to have a chip on their shoulder it would be him, but he NEVER did. He was the most gregarious, beguiling, happy go lucky guy you could have ever met. He lit up a room. Always laughing, always easyyyyy, gift of the gab.

 

He was my school girl crush right from when I was about 10 years old! We started dating when I was 16 (he was 17).

By this point my family wasn't a big fan. He and my brother were both getting in a bit of trouble, mixed up with the wrong people. To be honest mum blamed billy for leading my brother astray because it was easier than blaming him. Billy didnt drink, he didnt do drugs, he wasnt really in the same boat as my brother. He just got himself involved in a world that was just a bit dodgy.

 

When our relationship was good, it was amazing! The kind of movie love that leaves you breathless.

But we were young! Ultimately when I was 18 I got offered an amazing career opportunity in London. Truth be told i still would of chosen him over any job, but he said he felt like he was holding me back, it was my dream and he couldnt let me not go. He was probably right!

 

 

The next 15 years:

I went.

My career is everything I ever dreamed it would be. I know I am very lucky to be able to say that!

My personal life less so... I got married at 25. It didn't work out. I've always wanted children and he kept putting it off... I found out at 27 he'd been seeing another woman on and off since before we even tied the knot (what an idiot was I). Got engaged again at 30 but that didn't last either, and although I did get pregnant with him I sadly miscarried after the relationship ended.

 

He stayed in Newcastle for the next couple of years and then in the end moved to Ireland (he bought my brother a plane ticket and asked him to go to, he refused. I guess you cant save someone that doesn't want to be saved).

I wasn't in contact with him so everything I knew since then was kind of hearsay. I believe he ended up working in Brazil, met an american girl and they went travelling round Australia together in a van. I heard on the grapevine he had a son, 6 years ago now, but he was raising him by himself in Greece.

 

Lets be honest, I wasn't pining after the guy for 15 years. I'd moved on. But he did cross my mind from time to time. I've never been in love the way I loved him (I used to think that was just because I was so much younger, now Im not so sure). He crossed my mind on my wedding morning, he crossed my mind when I got divorced, he crossed my mind occasionally on a random Tuesday, always the same question, for me, he's always been my biggest 'what if'. What might my life have been like? Would we have never worked as our lives took us in different directions? Or could he have just maybe been the one? If I indulge in romantic fiction for a moment, he has always been, the love of my life.

 

 

And then here we are:

Bang out of no where the guy walked through my office doors and back into my life. My PA had set me up some appointments with potential new work contacts and one of them was him.

I literally sat there looking like a goldfish. I didn't think it would effect me like that but it was such a rush of emotion, i didn't know if i wanted to ignore him, or kiss him, or cry I must of come off like an idiot! He was his usual cool, cheeky, effortless self. He's not arrogant he's just sooooo comfortable in his own skin. He said someone [me] told him once that he was running from his talent and he was here now to put that right. He called me 'G' which no one has called me for years.

 

I was so thrown. I said yes, because how could I say no. I said yes, because his work deserved me to say yes.

But I can't go on like this. I can't work with the guy because I can't keep pretending like I don't feel like a silly little schoolgirl everytime he smiles at me. He has such an effect on me, I feel like this electricity with him.

 

What on Earth do I do now!?

I told myself i was being silly, we were in the past, it was just the shock of seeing him after so long. But it isnt going away.

So do I talk to him? Tell him? Because I can't exactly quit my job. That feels so embarrassing because why on earth would he feel the same, its been years, he'd surely think I was crazy.

Just cut him off and not tell him why? I can't do that to him, I'd feel too guilty.

 

The tragic truth is that I've never been in love ever the way I was with him and I guess I'm not really over it! I still wonder what might have been.

[Foxhall]

seems more like a movie story!

 

well anyway who knows maybe your getting your second chance,

 

for what its worth, I dont think you should push him away , no harm arrange to meet up have a few drinks, judge yourself how much to tell or not,

 

15 years is not that long really, perhaps you are meant to be together

 

hope you get your happy ending!

[Mr. Lucky]

The tragic truth is that I've never been in love ever the way I was with him and I guess I'm not really over it! I still wonder what might have been.

 

I'm going to suggest you're not over what he represents. You're in your early 30's, solid career track but less success in you personal life - is it a surprise you might yearn for something from a simpler romantic time?

 

Truth is, you don't even really know him now as, like you, his life experience has made him into a different person than when he was a teenager. And many of us felt an intense "puppy love" tough to duplicate in a life filled with job, kids and responsibilities.

 

You can certainly see if some spark is there, but should be under two conditions -

 

- base it on the "now"

- don't mix business and pleasure

 

Keep us posted...

 

Mr. Lucky

[mark clemson]

Not fully clear to me if this applies, but - beware the workplace relationship. They cause a LOT of problems for A VARIETY of reasons (e.g. appearance of favoritism). Suggest you try to take a very rational look at how you want to move forward, despite your feelings, to avoid the potential for serious problems...

[Cersei]

Are you now single? Is he?

 

If yes then get to know the "now" him. He will not be the same guy he was before. 15 years will do that to a person. He may be even better than before or he may be not all that. But do get to know him as he now is, and good luck.

[schlumpy]

I always read with interest when I get a glimpse into the life of people from Europe especially the UK. Pride and Prejudice is one of my favorite novels and when you talked about your lost love entering your life once again I immediately had a mind movie of Elizabeth's discomfiture when Mr. Darcy surprised her by returning early to Pemberley.

 

I would give this time to make sure it's the right choice. You've already settled for what you thought was love twice and I had a feeling you were somewhat distant and pragmatic about those choices.

 

You know you can live without him. You have done it for years. I think you are safe to find out "What if?"

[stillafool]

Is he showing signs of being interested in you again? Does he have a wife or gf?

[maxi105]

hiya b.b...ok, im gonna cut to the chase here and be honest with you...i haven't read that much of your post! sorry...but the best thing i can say is to forget about all the stuff from before ...theres no point reminiscing about what was what wasn't ect...you are at the what IS...and you are also in a workplace where you are going to i suspect expect / expect to be seen to carrying on in a professional sunny way that im sure you do if you love your job or are a responsible person you sound from the 2 sentences i actually did look at....sorry, i need to read these things more sometimes but im short for time and really tired today, so its the best i can say for today.

 

 

the thing you need to do is just talk to him and be honest (after work) on a Friday night if you do Monday to Fridays...or the day before you have a day off and just be honest with him.

 

 

of course if you find out he's married or with someone then you gotta do the right thing.

 

 

if he's married , forget it.

if hes with someone be honest but brief about how you always wondered what might have happened and that you regret it...his next answer or actions will tell you whether he misses you and is with someone he really LOVES and respects or not!!!!

 

 

i don't believe in marriage wrecking or breaking up families for the hell of it, but i do believe in the truth and even if you don't say anything to this guy, if your working close with him he will pick up on your real feelings sooner than later, so don't let him use you or play with your heart, be honest and open,,, if he cant be with you you gotta accept that and don't hassle him agaian...but maybe ask him ito go for a works night with you all or if he knows someone that is free.

 

 

don't wait for someone that isn't free or wanting to be with you!!!!! but you will save your heart a lot of trouble by speaking with him now before things get too emotionally messy and cause real problems!!!!

 

 

just be honest and talk to him. see ya. maxi ps...i read the last few lines....DONT CUT HIM OFF!!!!!! you need to deal with this in a mature and appropriate way...you are not in the school yard... so talk to him properly!

 

 

and GOOD LUCK WITH IT

[preraph]

Well, you remembered all the good things. Now I want you to search your memory for the bad ones and think about all those and if they amounted to anything before you get carried away.

 

Also, now he's where you work? That's going to be a problem, isn't it?

 

I would hope he's not using you to get the job, first off. He likely knows you're there. Be cautious, that's all, and then realize if it goes bad and you're working together, that's bad.

[ButterscotchBeach]

for what its worth, I dont think you should push him away , no harm arrange to meet up have a few drinks, judge yourself how much to tell or not!

I feel like logically, I know that, but I feel being a bit illogical. Honestly I'm a 34 year old woman who could normally very easily go for a few drinks with a guy to see how they get on.......but he just makes me feel like a 14 year old girl, its so silly but I feel all shy and nervous. I don't know why!

 

 

Not fully clear to me if this applies, but - beware the workplace relationship. They cause a LOT of problems for A VARIETY of reasons (e.g. appearance of favoritism). Suggest you try to take a very rational look at how you want to move forward, despite your feelings, to avoid the potential for serious problems...

Urm, tricky. He's not really an employee, he's more of an business associate. My company is basically design based, and he would be working freelance but in association with us.

(He was always so talented with a pencil, and when we were young I'd tell him all the time to pursue it, but he's always play it down, shrug it off, literally no one even knew he could draw so well and they'd certainly never of guessed it of him. It was like his little hidden talent).

 

But I already feel like I can't work with him. He'll be stood there talking about something work based and I'll be all in my head tripping over my emotions

 

Are you now single? Is he?

Is he showing signs of being interested in you again? Does he have a wife or gf?

Oh no we are both totally single.

He hasn't shown anything though. He's just treated me from the off as if we only saw each other a week ago, like no time has past at all. He's always like that though, like I say everything is water off a ducks back to him.

I think If you saw him you'd think oh he's flirty, but thats just him, he has a way of talking to anyone (me, the ice cream truck guy, or a small child) and just making you feel like you're the most captivating person in the room. But he's always been like that, so I can't really take that as a sign that he feels literally anything at all towards me!

[ButterscotchBeach]

I'm going to suggest you're not over what he represents. You're in your early 30's, solid career track but less success in you personal life - is it a surprise you might yearn for something from a simpler romantic time?

Mmmm yeah very much so. I think in lots of ways to be honest. I make so many responsible choices and decisions these days and he was probably the one time in my life where ive really just gone with my heart. I literally didn't care what anyone said I was so certain about him. Its a kind of certainty I haven't experienced a lot of since.

And secondly in the sense that yes my career is important. Yes when i was younger i chose my career. Yes in lots of ways Im lucky. But I have craved family life. I always pictured myself as a mum and a big family. And it hasnt happened for me up till now, (and im not getting any younger).

I think sometimes over the years he's crossed my mind because... Ive always wondered if i chose wrong! ...If i'd stayed with him in Newcastle, would I now have that family I always dreamt about. He's such an utterly fab dad and I always knew he would be that, we were so young but It was always so easy for me to picture us raising a family together. He's always been that sense of 'in a different life, what might have been'

 

Truth is, you don't even really know him now as, like you, his life experience has made him into a different person than when he was a teenager.

Mmm. It does take me by surprise that I've reacted like this! If you;d of asked me I didn't think I would have. I thought I was over him.

 

You can certainly see if some spark is there, but should be under two conditions -

 

- base it on the "now"

- don't mix business and pleasure

What do I do though, do i tell him straight up? Do I try and play casual?

[ButterscotchBeach]

Well, you remembered all the good things. Now I want you to search your memory for the bad ones and think about all those and if they amounted to anything before you get carried away.

1) He's always late

2) He's a deeper thinker than what people realise and sometimes the class clown persona frustrated me because he wasn't doing himself justice and showing, what i believe was probably the best side of him

3) He always thought he was the worlds best cook ....he wasn't!

 

That's basically it. We didnt row a lot, we didnt clash, he always made me feel safe.

The real problem, the real reason we didn't work out..... he wouldnt leave. It's that simple. He spent too long trying to save people that were dragging him down with them (my brother being one of them!)

I wanted him to choose himself and he wouldn't, he kept putting everyone else first.

(ultimatly in the end her learnt that I guess, after all, he bought a ticket and he left. But he leant it two years too late for our relationship)

 

Also, now he's where you work? That's going to be a problem, isn't it?

It most certainly feels like a problem at the moment!!

 

I would hope he's not using you to get the job, first off. He likely knows you're there.

He knew I worked there. I think he thought I'd give him a chance. He was very much look-im-finally-doing-what-you-told-me-to-do when he walked in.

But hes an easy going guy, If i pulled him aside and told him I struggling to work with you and I needed him to leave.. he would, i'm sure.

But I dont want to do that to him because I AM happy hes finally doing what I told him to! Hes so talented.

And he's got a little boy, this is a good job, potential for good money, he should do it!

[preraph]

Well, has it been all this time since you knew him? It's time that he may have matured (or his faults may have only gotten worse). I think it's worth finding out since your eyes are open. Good luck.

[mark clemson]

How would it look if you were dating an associate? If it' wouldn't look good, you should be really careful here.

 

Assuming it would be problematic to date him while working together, consider that things tend to change over time. My suggestion would be to be FRIENDLY and maintain that good work relationship. If/when he or you change jobs or the situation otherwise changes favorably then go for it (of course).

 

Maybe I'm giving you bad advice and your opportunity will slip by you. I hope not. Consider that if you start going out and IF you have an argument or feel strongly jealous if he flirts with some co-worker. It seems like your reactions will be pretty telltale and everyone will start to figure out what's going on sooner or later.

 

I had an EA in a workplace environment (hers) and trust me, many folks there had it figured out after a few months. And we weren't actually going out (although to be fair the emotions were VERY strong).

[FMW]

I guess I'm having an unusual romantic chic flick type mood right now, but I think it sounds sweet and kind of exciting to have an old crush pop suddenly back into your life. I'm jealous

 

Ok, but here's the real me - keep it professional at work and try to keep your head on straight. As has been suggested, get to know who he is now and see if the warm fuzzies hold up. Be open and receptive but wait and see what, if any, move he makes.

 

You know your own workplace culture - would it be a problem if you actually did start seeing each other on a personal level? Would it be a problem for you if things didn't work out and you still had to see him around?

 

Just take it slow and be smart.

[maxi105]

hi again b.b...hmm...you are still goin down the lane with romantic past times in your head.

 

if you are uncomfortable still then you need to talk to him. no one really can tell you what he will think about hearing how you feel except him on this one, and i think for your sake and ours if it goes on for months and months then you need to speak up. i dont mean to be rude when i say that, what i mean is that on this site sometimes folks need to talk and for whatever reason they struggle, and you end up with the same things goin round for months and sometimes over a year...just look at the date of some of these things!!!!

 

if you are not feeling good with him round then how is living a fantasy in your head that is already getting to you going to solve anything or ease your intense feelings!!! it isnt and cant!

 

i think you need to try and talk before you end up creating a situation at work where others join in and your boss (if you are not the boss) starts to question your ability to do your job.

 

im sure you are really professional and great at your job, but love when it is unrequited (and yes...yours is at the moment...totally!!!) can play havock with your head and sleep...no sleep and you can make mistakes, or crash if you drive etc...

 

you need to be as professional in your dealing with this guy. if you keep building him up romantically then you are gonna crash real bad when he (if he) tells you he's not interested anymore!

 

get your emotions in line and sort this out. sure its tough, but so is crying becuase you want someone who is never going to be with you, so is waiting around for a guy for years (and it happens) and youve let some really lovely guys go because you waited for an unrealistic outcome.

 

if you want to know the outcome then you need to talk and ask him.

 

come on, at 34 you need to take control of this before it eats your capabilities.

 

you are not happy with the way things are right now, so why not do something about it. it wont get any better unless you start to sort it out.

 

thats my final advice on this one, good luck, but you need to handle this in an adult way...all the talk i hear isnt really sorting anything. you are talking for him alot but you dont know what he really thinks and feels...and unless you do know that or are prepared to at least get teh courage to find out it is a waste of time and your worry and our replies.

 

sorry if i sound harsh for this a bit. actually i am hoping very much that you do talk and sort this out.

 

in 15 years people change...some are the same in a way others go in different derections totally in love or life so you need to stop with all the he is...because you cant be sure of that as its so long ago!

 

besides what happens if you wait so long to talk to him and someone else asks him out and they become an item!!!!!! YOU WONT GET OVER THAT ONE FOR A WHILE!!!!

 

so just stop all this good intention but crazytalking and ask him like the grown woman you need to be to sort this one.

 

hopefully tough....but fair...and honest...i am rootin for ya...so just sort this. its not and shouldnt be a huge problem, maxiXXX

[Foxhall]

Honestly I'm a 34 year old woman who could normally very easily go for a few drinks with a guy to see how they get on.......but he just makes me feel like a 14 year old girl, its so silly but I feel all shy and nervous. I don't know why!

 

 

Making you re-connect with your inner child,

 

that cud be a good thing possibly, in my most humble opinion!

[ButterscotchBeach]

How would it look if you were dating an associate? If it' wouldn't look good, you should be really careful here.

The work thing isn't too big of a problem in the sense that, he isn't employed by the company like I am, and I have final say on everything within my own area.... If I wanted the 'association' to stop I could simply stop it.

It's just that I feel really bad about that, because he is talented and he does deserve this break just on his own merit. I don't know I'd have it in me to meteorically pull the trigger on him workwise.

Although I'm sure he'd be so chilled about it. Nothing like that ever upsets him, he's got a very easy come easy go approach.

 

I had an EA in a workplace environment (hers) and trust me, many folks there had it figured out after a few months. And we weren't actually going out (although to be fair the emotions were VERY strong).

My PA (who was in the initial meeting with me and him) was straight away like 'omg what was that'

But other than that he doesnt have tons to do with any one else in my work place. He just comes in for meetings with me or her.

[ButterscotchBeach]

Well, has it been all this time since you knew him? It's time that he may have matured (or his faults may have only gotten worse). I think it's worth finding out since your eyes are open. Good luck.

The funny thing is, that whenever he's crossed my mind over the years its always as the 19 year old boy that he was, never as the man he is. I guess although I have aged, the memory I had of him never did.

15 years is such a long time, I never thought I'd meet him as a 35 year old man and instantly feel such strong feelings.

But it's like, I don't know, I feel like SUCH a different person compared to who I was, but he seems.. timeless. It's like I only saw him last week. Like going back in time and sitting opposite the same guy (but with a it more facial hair). It's just.. strange.

 

 

I guess I'm having an unusual romantic chic flick type mood right now, but I think it sounds sweet and kind of exciting to have an old crush pop suddenly back into your life. I'm jealous

You know... I am happy to see him. Even if its a bit weird, and a bit complicated, and it makes my head spin. Just putting that to the side for a moment, I'm really happy to see him. It feels like seeing home when you've been away a really long time.

 

Ok, but here's the real me - keep it professional at work and try to keep your head on straight. As has been suggested, get to know who he is now and see if the warm fuzzies hold up. Be open and receptive but wait and see what, if any, move he makes.

I feel like that is kind of what i've been doing. The only thing I don't do maybe is really open myself up to getting to know him or spending time with him outside work. I've been keeping him at arms length and he probably thinks that I've not been very friendly considering but the reality is I've just been trying to process my feelings, and maybe I'm a bit scared to let myself I don't want to get carried away!

[ButterscotchBeach]

get your emotions in line and sort this out. sure its tough, but so is crying becuase you want someone who is never going to be with you, so is waiting around for a guy for years (and it happens) and youve let some really lovely guys go because you waited for an unrealistic outcome.

 

if you want to know the outcome then you need to talk and ask him.

 

come on, at 34 you need to take control of this before it eats your capabilities.

 

you are not happy with the way things are right now, so why not do something about it. it wont get any better unless you start to sort it out.

 

thats my final advice on this one, good luck, but you need to handle this in an adult way...all the talk i hear isnt really sorting anything. you are talking for him alot but you dont know what he really thinks and feels...and unless you do know that or are prepared to at least get teh courage to find out it is a waste of time and your worry and our replies.

 

You know what it is? it's not that I'm scared to talk to him (yes id be nervous, im human, but i'm not incapable).

It's that I don't know what to say.

Because I don't know what I want him to say.

 

Do I tell him I''m interested, ask him out? Or do I tell him that seeing him stirs up really old emotions in me and I'm sure that we can continue working together and let him walk out my life the same way he walked back in?

 

I was so in love with him.

You guys are right, I have been much more pragmatic, and logical, when it was come to every single other relationship I've had since him. But with him I threw every bit of caution to the wind, I didn't care what came our way or what anyone said, I loved him with a kind of certainty that I don't feel I've been that certain about anything in my personal life since.

 

And despite pick every guy since sensibly and pragmatically I've still wound up getting really hurt! But there's a part of me that is scared to fully open that door to him, and to that sort of strength of emotion.

 

I know what I'd say if someone came to me in the same situation, I'd tell them to take the chance, whats the worst that can happen? A broken heart? You've had that before.

But It feels different because I know if i even half let myself I could feel very strongly very quickly and would never be me, I'm always the girl with the rock high walls!

[preraph]

Just try to chill and keep an open mind. That doesn't mean be tolerant. He may have the same flaws or he may have matured, or he may have different things going on. Just try to see him as a new person and tread carefully and don't get carried away quickly.

[ButterscotchBeach]

Just try to chill and keep an open mind. That doesn't mean be tolerant. He may have the same flaws or he may have matured, or he may have different things going on. Just try to see him as a new person and tread carefully and don't get carried away quickly.

 

Wey aye he's still always bladdy late!!

 

Being serious though, I guess my fear is how do I proceed if I feel like I've already let myself be carried away (to a degree).

[preraph]

Just don't. If you start feeling that way, restrain yourself. Most important, keep your eyes wide open and realize you're having to get to know him again. He may or may not be on his best behavior (late and all -- scary thought!), but he can't keep that up forever. You have to wait to see who he really is. Look for any addictions or finance problems and the like as well.

[chillii]

Yeah l agree , def' let it go further and just see what it really is. 15yrs is a long time for someone to still be stuck in your head, and here you are, he walks through your door.

He's probably thinking all the same stuff you are.

Do you know if he's seeing anyone, sorry if l missed that in here somewhere.

As to how, my guess is another meeting or two with him and it'll just happen.

Or if there's no more due you must have he's contact stuff, maybe you could email him or call, just talk, just see how he is and what he's been doing all this time stuff like that. Things will just go from there most likely all by themselves.

 

Keep us posted eh.

[ButterscotchBeach]

Just don't. If you start feeling that way, restrain yourself.

Yeah true. I am trying to be really self disciplined.

 

Most important, keep your eyes wide open and realize you're having to get to know him again. He may or may not be on his best behavior (late and all -- scary thought!), but he can't keep that up forever. You have to wait to see who he really is. Look for any addictions or finance problems and the like as well.

He doesn't seem nervous, or like on his best behaviour at all (which is partly what makes me feel worse that I'm such a mess. But then I think some of thats just a personality thing, he's such an easyyy going, completely unflappable, comfortable in his own skin kinda guy.

 

Yeah l agree , def' let it go further and just see what it really is. 15yrs is a long time for someone to still be stuck in your head, and here you are, he walks through your door.

He's probably thinking all the same stuff you are.

Do you know if he's seeing anyone, sorry if l missed that in here somewhere.

As to how, my guess is another meeting or two with him and it'll just happen.

Or if there's no more due you must have he's contact stuff, maybe you could email him or call, just talk, just see how he is and what he's been doing all this time stuff like that. Things will just go from there most likely all by themselves.

 

Keep us posted eh.

 

I'll talk to him.

What I can't decide is whether I should be saying:

 

"Hey shall we go get a drink"

Be casual, and just get to know him again. BUT am I then just making life harder for myself? Opening the door to heart ache if I allow myself to start hanging out with him and he doesnt feel like we're anything more than friends now?

 

Or do i sit him down with a "Look this is actually proving to be quite a tricky relationship for me, that I realise now that I still have feelings from all those years ago" and just gage straight up what his anwser is? BUT the downside of that approach is that I come off a bit like a crazy person, he's so chill, I'm worried he'd just think I was coming on too strong!

 

Just not sure what to do for the best!