Trying to push myself into NC

[BC1980]

I have a lot of empathy because it took me several months to finally commit to NC after my last relationship. So I do understand where you're coming from, and it's really difficult. We can sit here and tell you what to do, but it's an entirely different thing to put it into action. It's just so easy to fall into the trap of thinking that if you reach out to him it will stop your pain. Because talking to him will ease your pain for a little while, but, after a few days, reality will set in again. I have seen it referred to as a contact high on here.

 

You feel bad and miss him, you reach out to him, you think you found some closure, you say you're good and won't reach out to him again, but, in a few days, you have to go back to facing the reality that the relationship is over. The truth is that it's just really painful to accept the reality that the relationship is over, so you will do anything to avoid those feelings. There's no secret to keeping NC. It's just something that you have to do. You can make it easier on yourself by blocking him, but I understand that it's difficult to commit to doing that.

[Limiya]

Thanks for the support guys. It's so difficult. I didn't have this much difficulty in my previous breakup.

I think it's cause I know he's there willing to answer the phone and reply if I contact him. Which makes it harder. If he completely shut me down and wouldn't be so nice, I would probably find it a bit easier to stick to NC.

 

Last night I actually fell asleep and dreamt about him. It was a beautiful dream. So moving. Then I woke up, and reality hit me.

So I can't even escape this hell when i'm asleep.

 

I still haven't fully accepted it, and I need to somehow instil it into my brain.

I just can't trust myself to not do stupid and embarrassing stuff.

[d0nnivain]

Do you have a rotation of friends you can call instead of calling him? Getting out of the routine of calling him will help.

 

Glad you were able to get your professional game face on for your dance class. That is actually progress. Good for you!

[emeraldgreen]

So far i didn't call or drive past.

That's a win for today.

 

Success breeds success. Soon, it will be once a week that you get that feeling, then once a month, then one day you won't remember how long it's been.

 

Old habits are like addictions in that, you can't replace something with nothing. You replace a bad habit with a good one, and old routine with a new one. Filling your life with new awesome things leaves you less time to ruminate on what is done.

 

You got this.

[Limiya]

@D0nnivain

Yes I have friends and I call them regularly. They know the drill. They came to visit me a couple of times on the weekend so that was good. Problem is they all live further away and he lives closer.

Dance class went really well and I had great feedback so that's great.

 

 

 

 

@emeraldgreen

That's a great way of looking at it. Like an addiction. It is after 3 years it must be. Mental withdrawal symptoms are awful. I will have to think of what I can do to replace it.

 

 

 

 

I'm convinced if he didn't have this woman on he's seeing, he would be much more open to coming back. My mind is playing so many tricks on me, i'm thinking like,... maybe she's pregnant or something and that's why he won't come back and doesn't want to tell me.

I know it's stupid and irrational, but my brain just won't stop being paranoid.

Just ridiculous scenarios popping into my head at random moments.

[nolanola]

I completely understand where you're coming from. It is so hard and (not to discourage you) it takes a long time to deal with - at least for me.

 

I completely agree about the contact high. So many people think that getting a "hit" (there's that addiction connection) is going to make the pain stop. But, as @BC1980 says, once that fades (especially because you're not going to get what you want from your ex) the emptiness and sadness will start to set in. And not only that, but you might start to feel worse because now you've given more power to him because he knows how much you're hurting and wanting him. Depending on how long you've known this person, the withdrawal period of NC takes a while (it took me about a month and I was involved with my ex on and off for 4 years). That was the time period that I fought the extreme urge to contact him.

 

After a month, the urge to contact got less, but I am still hurting and dealing with things almost 8 months later. There is no way around just feeling bad and upset. And I would not let your ex off the hook here - it's easy to blame everything on this new woman, but he could easily stop seeing her and see you if he wanted to do that. He is choosing to take that path instead of the one with you. I hope that you will look at that as a deal breaker - he has had his chance with you and chose not to take it. You deserve better than to be someone's fallback if and when his current situation doesn't work out.

 

I don't think you have to make your ex into some kind of devil and I know how hard it is to take him off the pedestal of being this great guy. I'm having a really hard time with this too. But he made his choice and now you should let him have it. Let him have what he thinks he wants. You can't control whether it will work out or if they'll last or whatever. I worry about my ex's situation too (is he in love with her? are they serious? will they get married?) and it can drive me crazy - causes a lot of anxiety. I am trying really hard to let go. Being NC helps because I have no idea what he is doing in his life. And I'm trying to stop myself from trying to fill in the holes with my imagination.

 

I also agree that doing some new things will help a lot. Maybe a book club or yoga group or something? I went to a book club last night and I didn't think of my ex at all when I was there. Just to have that relief for a while was so great.

 

Stay strong. You're doing well! It will get easier.

[Limiya]

@nolanola

 

 

You've hit the nail on the head here. I should definitely train my brain to think of him as not being this perfect guy. Especially as he knows how I feel and could stop 'seeing' this woman if he wanted to.

 

 

I will do my best to concentrate on other things, and to stop idealising him.

It's difficult when the breakup is so fresh for me.

I know we had issues of compatibility and I should probably remind myself of those for now to try and help me get through the tough moments.

 

 

I know this woman hasn't done anything wrong. She probably has no idea about all this. I just see her as an obstacle and I shouldn't. Just imagining what she might look like and the 2 of them together makes it 10X harder.

[nolanola]

It's ok that you haven't stopped idealizing him. Be kind to yourself. Like I mentioned, I'm still struggling with this and it's been 8 months. I made a list that I could refer to when I wanted to remember his bad qualities. That helped a lot. I think a lot of times we don't want to see their bad sides because we don't want to admit that we were wrong about someone or that his feelings changed or his behavior changed.

 

I also totally understand thinking about the other woman (what does she have that I don't?). My ex's girlfriend is very healthy and fit. She doesn't drink. In my eyes, she seems to be everything I'm not. BUT - think of this: how do you think your guy's girl would feel if she knew that he had told you that maybe things can work out in 6 months? I don't think she'd feel great about it. So don't envy her too much. That's what she's starting out with. My ex was still talking to me while he was getting involved with his new woman - I think about that when I think about how perfect she seems. He's very secretive about their relationship and when I think of it that way, I almost feel sorry for her. And I feel relieved that I bowed out. I won't compete with another woman and I know you don't want that either.

[Limiya]

I really hate myself at the moment.

I just about held myself together all day.

Came home, tried to eat a meal but could only eat half.

Then I drove to his house again to check if his car was there.

It wasn't. I knew he must be at hers.

Obviously our last conversation meant nothing.

 

I sat there and cried solidly for about 10 minutes. I then picked up the phone and called my friend.

He gave me some tough love, talked me into calming down and driving home.

I cried heavily all the way home.

And now I'm writing here because i am ashamed at my behaviour and all I want is for him to hold me and tell me everything will be ok.

 

I need to accept it's over. Why can't I get through this first stage????

[bluesunflower]

I cried heavily all the way home.

And now I'm writing here because i am ashamed at my behaviour and all I want is for him to hold me and tell me everything will be ok.

 

I need to accept it's over. Why can't I get through this first stage????

 

Although you had a setback with driving past his house, I'm really proud of you for not picking up the phone and calling him but instead calling a friend. This is a sign of progress.

 

I am immensely struggling from a breakup myself as well and NC has been rough. But a sign of progress is reaching out to friends each time I feel the urge to reach out to him. It has really helped. I am so lucky to have a friend who told me to text her whenever I feel like texting him and she'll listen until I get it out of my system. I don't do this all the time though, as I always feel bad and try to keep it to myself most days (like today, hence why I'm here!)

 

It's so hard. I totally get it. I'm a few weeks NC and it is killing me every single day. But the good news is I have survived a breakup before and so have you! So we both know that NC does get easier with time. I know that means nothing now, because it doesn't mean much to me either, but it definitely will with time.

 

It feels like we will love these men until the end of time. Truth is, I thought that about the guy before him, and you probably did too. We have time on our side.

 

Have you tried therapy? This (along with this forum) has been the only thing to feel like it helps, even if it is just slightly. My therapist has been such a help and has been coaching me to do better, and even my friends have seen an improvement. She also gave me the "text me when you want to text him" spiel and I've actually done it twice and it worked - she talked me out of the temptation.

 

I know it can feel burdening to always lean on friends and you mentioned that they do not live close by. This is why you should definitely consider therapy if you have not already. It is a super healthy way to get out all of your unfiltered feelings without the worry of burdening others. And they are trained to help ease pain in your life and to steer you into better choices. Therapy won't fix it all or make all the pain go away by any means, but it's helpful and I look forward to it every week.

 

You had a setback today but you're still doing good. Keep up the NC. Spam this post if you have to to keep from reaching out to him. If you feel an urge to drive by his house again, call a friend BEFORE getting to that point. They'll talk you out of it and you'll be so afraid of admitting to them that you did end up going there that you will drive straight home. The desire to do better for your friends is strong and can propel you to make the right choices. Obviously, you want to do the best for you, but if you're anything like me (which you sound like you are, based on your reflections of him and your friends and especially the new girlfriend) then you are a people-pleaser and have a great amount of empathy. Use this to your advantage and tell yourself you will do better so your friends will be proud and encourage you further. Next will come the want to do better for yourself. Friends are incredibly helpful during these times.

 

If you need to vent, I'm on these forums a lot along with many many others and we'll be here to listen and offer experiences. I hope it gets easier for the both of us soon. You got this.

[nolanola]

Oh @Limiya, I have been you so many times. One thing I have been really grateful for is that my ex doesn't live in my city, so there's no temptation to do a drive by or to try to run into him. Because I have done that with my last ex. I used to drive by his apartment all the time to try to see if he was at home. I wrote this in @bluesunflower's thread, but once as I was doing a drive by I stopped to get gas and saw my ex as I was leaving. I had no excuse for being there other than being at his house and I wasn't sure if he had seen me at the gas station. So I decided to send him a random text to try to figure out if he had seen me and he was like "what are you talking about". So that was humiliating. At least your ex didn't see you. And you didn't call him. We'll call it a near miss.

 

Breakups are hard. It's hard to let go of someone. Be kind to yourself. You will get better, I promise. I am doing much better than I was a few months ago. I still have dips from time to time, but now when they go away I feel 10x better. It's just a really slow process unfortunately. Don't try to fight how bad you feel. Just let yourself feel it. Cry as much as you want. Keep going in this thread - I am willing to bet in a few weeks you will look back and be able to see some progress. Or you will stop writing in here because you'll be doing a lot better.

[Limiya]

Thank you both for your encouragement. I really really can't thank you enough.

I know i'm punishing myself, and I feel that I deserve it, but I won't be able to continue that forever.

 

 

I do want to take therapy, but I just can't afford it at the moment so until I do I will lean on places like here for support.

 

 

The most difficult thing i'll face this week is my birthday. It's tomorrow.

Last Friday when we spoke on the phone, I asked him why he couldn't have waited for it to pass first, and he went quiet and said 'I forgot it was your birthday'.

So I know tomorrow i'll be secretly suffering inside, even though I will be out for a meal with my parents. I would rather be out for a meal with him, just the 2 of us.

Horrible thing to think.

 

 

Sigh.

[nolanola]

Happy early birthday!! Do something really nice for yourself tomorrow - pedicure or something like that? Get your favorite treat and don't worry about the calories. Watch your favorite movie you've seen 100 times. Make a playlist with your favorite feel good songs (I highly recommend "Truth Hurts" by Lizzo - I've been listening to this on repeat).

 

I know how much it hurts for those first things to go by without hearing from him. Even though I knew I wouldn't hear anything from my ex (because I had ignored him the last time he tried to contact me), Christmas and New Year's were still really hard to go through because I so wanted him to reach out. And when he didn't, it did set me back. BUT, you only get so many birthdays in your life. If you are lucky, hopefully there are many, many more in your future. But please don't waste this one with one eye on your phone hoping to hear from him. I know you will think about it and I totally get that, but try to focus on the things that bring happiness to your life (family, friends, pedicures, movies, etc) rather than the things that bring you pain (your ex and what he is or is not doing).

[BC1980]

You're going to feel bad for awhile. All of those negative feelings don't just go away overnight. It would be nice if that were the case, but it just doesn't work that way. I remember feeling like absolute garbage for about three months after my last relationship ended. I was just so somber, and nothing could make me happy. My mom and sister took me on a trip to NYC, and I was miserable the entire time. You're mind just has to process all of those feelings.

 

The best advice I can give you is to stay NC, and stick to a routine every day. Don't lie around in bed all day at your house on your off days. Make yourself get up and go to the gym, go to the grocery store, etc. Something I did that was really helpful was to come up with small goals for my workouts. I had booked a trip to Colorado for that summer, so I was forced to keep my workout goals. I wanted to hike a certain mountain out there, so I had to keep my workouts up. It gave me something to focus on for several months while I work through some of my feelings.

[Limiya]

You guys are incredible.

I love all these tips.

Today hasn't been bad so far.

I've managed to keep my emotions in check.

A couple of hours ago o started feeling a bit wobbly, so i put in some workout tunes, setup my yoga mat and did some workouts.

I already feel a bit better after that.

 

I know i will have bad moments and bad days but I'm hoping it will soon pass and i will start feeling much stronger.

 

I wrote down some goals and motivations for me to focus on.

Things that don't imvolve him at all in any way.

 

I was approached today to give some private dance lessons too once a week so it's a little extra pocket money.

I am going to take that as perhaps my luck may be changing.

 

Fingers crossed.

I am still thinking about him a lot though.

[BC1980]

Your mind has to sort itself out. Right now, your mind is rearranging everything. Your feelings will eventually neutralize, but it can be hard until then. You will probably have feelings all over the place for a while.

 

Find a hobby, make a goal, and keep a schedule, so you can have some stability. Because it's a pretty bumpy ride emotionally in the beginning. Sometimes, you just have to wait out your emotions.

Edited June 27, 2019 by BC1980

[nolanola]

I find one of the hardest things is the mental energy expended in trying to "understand" everything. I still do this, months later. I can sit for hours and wonder why he said this or that and what it meant. Even though I have gone NC on social media, I can think back to the posts that I did see and try to make sense of it all. It is exhausting but I think it's the brain's way of trying to get closure. Or to grieve.

 

I think it just has to pass. I still mentally go there sometimes, but when I do it doesn't upset me as much as it used to. I used to not be able to sleep because I would feel physically sick thinking of my ex and his new girlfriend. It was awful. Now when I think of it, I still feel sad, but it doesn't last as long.

 

You know what I think of sometimes when I feel like I'm having such a hard time? Jennifer Anniston and Brad Pitt. How humiliating and horrible that must have been for her to get divorced and then to have the entire world know that her husband was cheating on her. BUT - look what happened. She held her head high and (at least publicly) moved on. Now she looks amazing, he's getting divorced again and apparently has alcohol problems (if you believe the gossip). I think about how if she can make it through that, then I can make it through mine.

 

I know you know this, but it will get better. Just focus on getting through every day. Don't worry too much about tomorrow. I went back and looked at my journal this morning. The first day that I noted that I was feeling so much better was about 2 months into NC, so it's not terribly long.

[Limiya]

Thanks both.

Well, he already text me wishing me a happy birthday this morning.

 

'Happy birthday (pet name)(cake emoji),

Have a fantastic day (kiss emoji).'

 

I archived it. I don't want to acknowledge it at the moment. I want to get today out of the way before I have to think about it too much.

I honestly thought he would ignore it and let me be. Oh well.

 

Anyway, I have my parents visiting tonight and we will go for a meal.

I know exactly where I want to take them, so it will be a lovely treat for me.

 

Last night in bed, I was so close to texting him. I wrote him a text message, read it to myself, then deleted it.

Glad I didn't send it now.

 

1 day at a time eh?

[Lorenza]

Happy birthday!

Do enjoy your day out with your parents. I know right now you feel like you'd rather have dinner with him, but in the long run you will appreciate that you got to spend time with your parents instead.

When one of my relationships was failing, I packed my bags and flew to my ex to try and salvage it during Christmas, instead of going back to my home country and spending it with my grandparents. It felt like the most important thing at that time. Now when my granny is gone, I so regret not spending that Christmas with her.

[Limiya]

It was lovely.

We went a drive to a little town and found this amazing thai restaurant.

The food was lovely and my parents really enjoyed it.

 

It's strange because even though he sent me that message this morning, I haven't had the urge to respond or drive to his house.

I was convinced today would really challenge me, but although I have thought about him a lot, I haven't been overwhelmed by that uncontrollable compulsion to text or see him.

I have read his message a few times, and just left it alone.

 

Perhaps tomorrow might be harder, but for now im going to relax on the sofa and watch some Netflix.

Day 3 down.

[nolanola]

Yay!! High five!

 

Do what you think is best regarding the message. I personally think texting is lazy as can be. I'm glad he said something, but I don't think you necessarily need to respond if you don't want to. He decided that he wanted to date someone else, which is his right to do so. But you have the right to not accept crumbs either.

 

For me, when dealing with my ex, I have been trying to think about whether what he is doing is good enough and whether I deserve better. Mine hasn't reached out in a long time, but when he did, it was such a BS message after we had had a big blow up and he had broken my heart. It really affected me that he couldn't do anything more than just send a BS text - I thought I deserved so much more. So I chose not to respond. I don't know what is right for you and maybe you won't feel right about not responding. But I am SO glad you've had a good birthday and haven't let him ruin it for you.

[Limiya]

Thank you so much for the kind words.

I feel validated knowing you're behind me cheering me on.

I feel like achieved something today. It wasn't much, and I still keep wondering what he's doing and thinking etc, but his message means nothing.

 

Last time we spoke he admitted he had forgotten my birthday. So he obviously made a point to remember it and message me.

The last 3 messages I've received from him have all been generic rubbish.

Not one of them asked me a question or required a response. They were all answers to my previous messages.

He could have asked how I was feeling, or what did I have for my birthday etc. But no. Just a happy birthday message.

Doesn't require a response. Even the one before ended in 'I hope you're feeling better'. Again, doesn't require a response. It's not a question.

That apathy says a thousand words to me right now.

Even though he put kiss emojis on there, it means nothing.

 

It's a horrible feeling knowing he's just sending those to be nice.

But if he really wanted to speak to me, he could easily call.

 

I'm feeling a bit pissed off about it atm. I feel like he doesn't deserve anything from me now.

I have to try n encourage myself to be strong.

Tomorrow I might be a blubbering mess but not today, not on my birthday.

 

((Big hugs))

[BC1980]

Definitely don't respond to any of those messages. You will feel so much worse when you get no response from him. At some point, you do need to delete him. From what you've written, I feel like you'll do it at some point. You have a good grasp on reality even if you're not quite to the point that you can delete him yet. In a perfect world, everyone would delete their exes immediately, but it usually doesn't work out like that. You have to get over the shock of it all and gather up the courage.

[Limiya]

Thanks. I think when i'm ready I will definitely delete and possibly even block.

Just not quite there yet. I guess deep down I am giving him the chance to change his mind, and make a big effort.

As time passes and this doesn't happen, then i'll probably just delete him then.

I could be wrong, I might wake up tomorrow and feel like doing it then, but for now... i'm just trying to concentrate on getting through each day in one piece.

 

 

((HUGS))

[nolanola]

Something that might be less scary for you is to write his number down on a piece of paper and put it in a drawer where you can't see it - then delete him out of your phone. That way, it doesn't have to be permanent but it takes his name out of the things that you look at every day.

 

I saw your post about What's App - I had this issue too with my ex. I deleted his number because I was becoming obsessive about looking at whether he had been online. It's a tough step but it really is easier to just not see it. You'll still wonder and think about it, but it won't be so easy to see.

 

Can you try to distract yourself by doing something else? Go for a walk, clean the bathroom, listen to some music or a podcast (there are some great breakup podcasts out there - Art of Love is good)?