Trying to push myself into NC

[Limiya]

@nolanola

 

 

Thanks for the tips. I think i'll try that.

WhatsApp is a killer for 'last seen' dates and times. Today I've been struggling with it. Keep re-reading the birthday message he sent, and over analysing it.

What did he mean with the kiss emoji? Why put my pet name? etc.

It's pointless I know, but it's like my brain is stuck on it.

 

 

I will put on that podcast you recommended when I get home and do some cleaning to try and distract myself.

[nolanola]

This is the things with these crumbs that they throw us...we can try to turn it into a whole loaf of bread. I am positive that he cares about you and feels badly for hurting you. I am sure he didn't mean anything bad by sending you the message. He probably didn't give a ton of thought to how it would affect you - he may be doing it to make himself feel better. Regardless of why he did it - he isn't trying to get you back or to stop seeing this other woman. So, in my mind, the reason doesn't matter. It's his actions (or lack of actions in this case) that are important. Until he contacts you and says "I screwed up and made a mistake" "I miss you, I want to get back together" or something like that, then all of these messages don't really mean anything.

 

Think of it this way - if you respond, what if he says nothing after that? Do you think you'll be wondering why he didn't say anything else? Right now, as stupid as it sounds, you have a tiny shred of power. He is going to be sitting there wondering why you didn't write back. Whether that affects him or not is hard to say. BUT - it tells him that you're not sitting at home desperately waiting to hear from him. You are moving on. (of course, you are sitting at home being sad, but he doesn't need to know that).

 

If he wants to move on with someone else and without you -- give him what he thinks he wants. Walk away with your head held high.

[Limiya]

Thanks so much.

I'm struggling a bit this evening.

I just really want to see him. Talk to him even.

I know it's pointless. It won't make me feel any better.

It's difficult because i know his routine on a friday night.

I need to just rode it out and it will pass.

I still hope he thinks about me.

I hope he wonders what im doing and if I'm ok.

 

I need to think of myself and try to stay focussed.

I'm going to call a friend i think.

[BC1980]

It might be easier to give yourself a small goal like doing NC for 90 days. That makes it seem more manageable.

[nolanola]

OP, I'm positive he thinks about you. It's only been a few days and I think he still feels badly for hurting you. I think you're thinking about this the right way. You could see him or reach out to him, but it is not going to do anything to get you guys together. That would have to come from him and right now, he isn't showing any signs that he is going to change his mind.

 

When my ex broke my heart around the end of October last year, I spent several weeks in tears. I was just destroyed by it and my self esteem was in the toilet. After almost a month, he randomly texted me right after Thanksgiving and at first I was so excited to see his number come up on my phone. And then I read the text. This was after he had just smashed my heart. He wrote: "I hope you had a good thanksgiving and got some down time. Great article on Kurdistan, by the way!". That was what I got. I was so annoyed when I read it and I decided not to respond. I didn't think it deserved one. I have never not responded to him. I don't know what I thought would happen - that he would drop everything and show up at my door, begging me to get back together? That didn't happen. He is apparently still with the woman that he started dating after me. I haven't heard from him since then. In my heart, I know it's for the best but I can't help but feel disappointed.

 

So I understand that "after" feeling after you get a text from him. BUT - if you can hang in there, I think you will keep getting better. I think you've taken some power back and if you look at it that way, it might help you look at things from a different perspective. Reject the one that rejected you - don't let him have power over you.

 

Hugs and I hope you are doing something fun that makes you happy this Saturday!

[Limiya]

Thank you both for the encouragement.

I managed to not reach out to him, even though i came close to it a few times.

I wrote several messages ready to send, read them back to myself, then deleted them and decided to wait.

 

I have been cleaning all day, doing the washing etc.

I'm going out for a meal with a friend later and a drink.

Hopefully i will be too busy to think about contacting him.

 

Just the thought of him responding coldly is what stops me to be honest.

So far so good I guess?

[SpiceCat]

Thank you both for the encouragement.

I managed to not reach out to him, even though i came close to it a few times.

I wrote several messages ready to send, read them back to myself, then deleted them and decided to wait.

 

I have been cleaning all day, doing the washing etc.

I'm going out for a meal with a friend later and a drink.

Hopefully i will be too busy to think about contacting him.

 

Just the thought of him responding coldly is what stops me to be honest.

So far so good I guess?

 

Limiya you seem like such a lovely person. You will get over this SO quickly and I would put money on you finding someone within the next year/year and a half who treats you the way you should be treated.

[Limiya]

I undid all my hard work.

I sent him a YouTube video I thought might help him with a work project.

He responded thanking me and that it was really helpful.

I was driving so I called him on my hands free. I honestly wasn't sure if he would answer, but i felt like i already ruined my NC so...

 

He answered and asked how i was feeling. I kind of avoided the question, and kept the topic to his work.

He told me he worked on a video and wanted to send it to me to know my opinion.

It wouldn't go through. I ended up going to his to watch it instead.

Yes... I went there. Yes, I'm ashamed.

 

It was nice to see him. He looked well and relaxed.

I made a joke about him wearing shorts. That he wanted to show off his legs. He laughed and told me he had no one to show them to. I ignored it.

 

We chit chatted about nothing in particular.

He showed me the video. I gave him some constructive criticism which he appreciated.

 

He asked how my shoulder was. I told him it's a bit painful but nothing I couldn't handle. Without hesitation he gave me a shoulder massage. He's a chiropractor so he always fixes it good.

He then said he has to sleep soon as it's late. I agreed and got up to leave.

He thanks me for my help, hugs me tightly.

I made sure not to try and kiss him. I kept my face turned.

He holds me for a while. Eventually he kissed me.

It was passionate. I felt sad and hopeful.

We kissed a few more times and then I went home.

 

Since then he's made no attempt to contact me.

No call or text unless I text him first.

I am disappointed with myself and I feel confused.

I only have myself to blame.

I know if I text him he'll respond. But it's not the same.

 

Was he waiting for me to say something about us while I was there?

Should I have?

 

Now I'm in that horrible middle place.

Ok. Tomorrow is a new day to start again.

[nolanola]

Limiya, I don't know what to tell you. This is one of the problems with breaking NC - particularly when you're the one to break it. You don't know if the person is just being nice or if anything has changed. My guess, however, is that nothing has changed.

 

Lots of people take a few tries to stick to NC when a relationship ends because they don't want to give up hope. I can't tell you what to do, but I think if you keep reaching out to him, you are going to get your heart absolutely destroyed. Because he does not want to get back together, based on what you've said and he's been seeing another woman. Do you want to be downgraded to his woman on the side? Or his friend with benefits? Or his back up? I don't think you want that. I think you want him to decide that he wants to be with you, don't you?

 

You will stick to NC once you get to your breaking point. For me, it was seeing evidence that my ex was seeing another woman. I realized that I was sitting there, being in love with him and thinking he was the most wonderful man in the world, while he was taking another woman on trips. He loved talking to me and spending time with me sometimes and I do think he cared about me enough to check in with me about things. I think he would have liked to keep the status quo so that he could have it all. I felt so small when I realized that and I knew I had to show him that how he was treating me was not ok. My self respect and self esteem was more important than texting him.

 

I wanted to add that this situation is entirely in his control. He could end all this pain on your part by simply contacting you and saying "Limiya, I've been thinking and I want to be with you". He is not doing that. Sometimes no answer is your answer.

Edited July 3, 2019 by nolanola

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

 

I read your original post and skimmed through your thread. I'm sorry for your pain. I've also been through plenty of heartbreak and have moved passed it so I am familiar with breaking NC, slipping up, making mistakes and feeling the aftermath as well as not having an appetite, losing weight, insomnia. Those initial physiological issues do go away and over time, your mind will level out again. Just know that healing is a slow, patient process. There's no rushing this. How long it takes will depend on how you manage your healing process, your insecurities and personal issues, as well as how much the relationship meant to you. You'll need time, you'll need solitude, you'll need a place to express yourself freely, and you'll need to continue living your life, to get passed it.

 

I think first order of business is managing your impulses, and from my experiences, you'll have to dive inwards, into your heart and mind because it's in there, you'll find answers that are going to help you stay away.

 

For starters, from what I read, you two were talking for 2 years and he pushed for something many times. That's a long time to be avoiding something. What stopped you from being with him all that time?

 

- Beach

Edited July 3, 2019 by Beachead

[Limiya]

@Beachead

I think the issue was because he was 15 years older than me, and he wants to go back to his own country within the next 5 years (although he's been saying that for ages now) and these 2 main things were making me hesitate to push for something more as we also have very different personalities (opposites).

Thanks for your comments. I know it'll take time and I have to put myself first in this.

 

@nolanola

Thanks. I know I have to get back on the horse again so to speak and pay attention to his lack of actions. I have to realise that none of that meant anything, and I really don't want to be someone on the side or 2nd best.

I think him telling me he doesn't have a girlfriend is what kept giving me hope. As if that will mean there's a chance he will come back.

 

It's so annoying because I know what I have to do. I know what the advice is and is going to be. And yet I still messed it up.

I will keep trying and hopefully soon I won't be in this mess anymore emotionally.

 

((HUGS))

[Beachead]

@Limiya

 

I think the issue was because he was 15 years older than me, and he wants to go back to his own country within the next 5 years (although he's been saying that for ages now) and these 2 main things were making me hesitate to push for something more as we also have very different personalities (opposites).

 

That's exactly what you need to focus on.

 

I think what you valued was the attention he provided and the comfort of knowing he wanted you and that you could lock it down with him whenever you wanted. You got used to it, but at the end of the day, you were never really planning to be with him. You may not have realized you were doing this. I know that sounds harsh but I only say that because all you had to do was say yes. Instead, 2 years passed by and he had to move on for you to consider him.

 

When he chose to move on, you lost what was comfortable. It kicked up your anxiety and that anxiety has been driving and distorting your emotions, making you feel like you want him. And yes, you may want him..but the question is do you see a future with him? Because nothing's changed here apart from his withdrawal of attention. He's still 15 years older. He still wants to move back home in the near future and even if he doesn't move away, it's not like he's changed who he is. His personality is still very much the same. Opposite. These were all problems for you correct?

 

Say you get together, those can never be problems for you again. Will you be cool with that?

 

- Beach

Edited July 3, 2019 by Beachead

[nolanola]

First of all, don't be so hard on yourself. It takes many, many people several tries before they are able to move on or take steps to start moving forward. Just read these boards. If it was easy, there wouldn't be hundreds of pages of people trying to get over their exes.

 

I understand the hope of him "not having a girlfriend". But to me, that's worse. Because then he has no reason why he couldn't be with you unless he was just keeping his options open.

 

I understand how much it hurts. I am at 8 months NC now and I am doing so much better than I was. I really feel like I am healing and moving forward. I still think about my ex and wonder about things and hurt, but it is getting less and less. The thing that made the biggest difference was going NC and also getting off social media so that I couldn't see anything about him or his girlfriend. I feel so much more at peace than I did. I know you know this but when you're hurting it's hard to believe that you will get better and it will stop hurting so much some day.

 

My biggest regret about it all was that I held onto hope with my ex for so long. He didn't have a girlfriend at first either and I held onto hope that he would eventually want to be with me. I dearly wish I hadn't stuck it out for so long. Just something to think about.

 

Hugs - you got this!!

[Limiya]

@Limiya

 

Say you get together, those can never be problems for you again. Will you be cool with that?

 

- Beach

 

 

 

Ugh, Beachead, you hit so close to home for me there.

I was in a comfort zone, of being non-committal.

When we first started seeing each other, I fell for him hard, asked for us to become official. He said no, he wasn't ready. We are too different, blah blah.

I pulled back for a long time and kept it casual and not official. It was only then he came back asking for commitment. I declined out of fear I think. I had already been knocked back once. I should have just went for it.

We stayed as we were until now.

So yes, now the rug has been pulled from underneath me, and I don't like it. Like everything is becoming clear. Who cares about his age, my age, where we live. It should be worth giving it a shot after all this time right?

 

 

I just wish I hadn't left it so late. Too much in my own head.

 

 

I haven't contacted him since our last meeting, and he hasn't contacted me.

I thought he might have, but nope. If anything, he's more silent than before. So now I've messed it up even more.

 

 

I'm working a lot of overtime this week, so it's keeping my mind occupied.

[Limiya]

Hugs - you got this!!

 

 

 

Thanks, you guys are being so patience with me. I'm irritating myself even. LOL

[Beachead]

Ugh, Beachead, you hit so close to home for me there.

I was in a comfort zone, of being non-committal.

When we first started seeing each other, I fell for him hard, asked for us to become official. He said no, he wasn't ready. We are too different, blah blah.

I pulled back for a long time and kept it casual and not official. It was only then he came back asking for commitment. I declined out of fear I think. I had already been knocked back once. I should have just went for it.

We stayed as we were until now.

So yes, now the rug has been pulled from underneath me, and I don't like it. Like everything is becoming clear. Who cares about his age, my age, where we live. It should be worth giving it a shot after all this time right?

 

 

I just wish I hadn't left it so late. Too much in my own head.

 

 

I haven't contacted him since our last meeting, and he hasn't contacted me.

I thought he might have, but nope. If anything, he's more silent than before. So now I've messed it up even more.

 

 

I'm working a lot of overtime this week, so it's keeping my mind occupied.

 

I know it's difficult when you think about "What could have been." Regret is one of the powerful emotions out there. It can keep a person stuck, fixated in the past for the rest of their life, if they're not careful.

 

Two things you can do to help deal with it:

 

1. Remind yourself that you did tell him how you feel, and he did reject you. Because of that initial rejection, you declined his advances later on because you were afraid and therefore cautious. Being turned down hurts, and you didn't want to go through that again. So given everything you were and everything you knew about him and yourself, it was the BEST decision for you at that time. There is no better decision you could have made back then. Can't fault yourself for that.

 

Also, you two had a recent intimate moment. If nothing comes from the recent intimate moment you two shared, the answer is simple; nothing was ever going to happen. Even though the timing was wrong in the past, the past is the past now. You can't change it. But you both learn from it and go forward right? And that means the both of you can certainly start a relationship now...but it takes the BOTH of you. If something isn't happening now, it's because of him. Not you. It means he made his choice.

 

The more time that passes in silence from his end, the more clearer this is.

 

2. If you feel points from #1 aren't sinking into your head and doubt/regret continue and eats away at you, then I recommend an unorthodox technique.

 

Tell him how you feel and ask him if he would like to try something, one more time. If he by some miracle accepts, you have a relationship. If not which I believe will likely be the case..his rejection will snap you back into place. I've admittedly done this in the past and it has helped me forward. It'll hurt you like hell but atleast this way, you confirm that it's not you that's stopping something from happening..it's him, and the painful feelings your experiencing in that moment is evidence of it. You can then walk away knowing you did everything you could to make something happen. The rejection is a confirmation for your conscious. Go NC immediately and write down the whole experience in a journal..especially any positive, forward thinking thoughts or plans you may have to cope with this. Do it when it is fresh in your mind. Read it everyday. NC will be far more easier for you.

 

- Beach

Edited July 6, 2019 by Beachead

[Limiya]

Thanks beachead.

I spoke to him yesterday. We talked for 2 hour about everything.

I apologised for my recent behaviour.

I asked us to give it 1 more shot. He declined ultimately.

I asked him to please block and delete my number.

He kept refusing. He just won't do that. He said i just have to be strong and not text him.

 

My friend called me later on the evening and told me she saw him with his new gf at a festival.

That she looked in her 20s. I was crushed cause im in my 30s.

He is 50 next year so i just broke down. Of course he won't come back if he has a pretty girl like that.

 

1st day of NC today and im a shaking mess.

Can't concentrate. Feels like horrible withdrawal.

[Limiya]

I was hoping this morning I would feel relief. Some form of lightness on my heart after our discussion last night.

If anything I feel worse (if that's even possible).

I'm happy we ended on a good note, but the pain is indescribable.

I do honestly sometimes feel like I will die of a broken heart.

 

I woke up this morning and immediately wished I hadn't.

I was brushing my teeth and thinking 'what's the point?'

I set myself up for work and haven't been able to concentrate on it, but i'm getting some things done at least.

My friends are messaging me and trying to be encouraging.

I just feel like hell. I have broken down countless times already this morning and it's not even midday.

 

I miss him so much, and he looked so good yesterday. He smelt amazing and I can still smell him on my top from where he held me.

 

I can't stop crying and i'm longing for this pain to subside. I want to start feeling nothing.

[Maddie82]

Limiya, you need to stop with all this. You're coming off as the crazy obsessive ex gf. What you have been doing is crazy behavior. He may be thinking of you like this hence why he has made no attempt to contact you in any way. Stop asking him for another shot when he has blatantly told you no numerous times. You need to talk to friends and family for support. You clearly can't do it on your own. You shouldn't have just turned up at his place like that. That's not cool. You need to stop contacting him and leave him alone completely. You had your chance and you blew it. He gave up waiting for you and moved on. There's nothing you can do about it now. He's with someone else. He's moved on. He's happy. It's time you did the same. Don't contact him again and don't go turning up on his doorstep and harassing him again. It's weird behavior. Please don't take this comment as me being mean. I'm just giving it to you straight. You are acting crazy.

Edited July 8, 2019 by Maddie82

[Limiya]

@Maddie82

 

 

Thanks, I appreciate the comment.

You're 100% right of course, and I knew it was wrong when I was doing it.

I just had lost myself into crazy town and was only acting on emotions.

I regret it of course, which is why this is it.

 

 

I have contacted family and friends for support, because I feel I really need it.

I've organised my week around company and am hoping it will support me as much as possible.

[nolanola]

@Limiya, I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I can understand and I know that feeling that your heart is going to break in two. I have been there. I know it seems impossible right now, but it WILL get better. I promise you it will. The most important thing you absolutely have to do is to go NC. Delete his info from your phone. Do it right now. If you want, you can write his number down and put it away somewhere that's not easy to get to - give it to a friend and tell them not to let you have it for 6 months, no matter what. You need to make him a ghost. I know that is so scary, but it is necessary. Every time you see his name on WhatsApp or whatever, you are reminded that he is out there, living his life.

 

For me, the things that helped the most were to think of being mysterious. I wanted my recent ex (and also an older ex that was also a horrible breakup) to wonder what I was doing. I wanted them to wonder if I had moved on or if I was with someone new. So I completely dropped off the face of the earth. They didn't hear from me, I didn't try to run into them, I deleted their info, I stayed off Facebook. I don't know if it affected them at all, but it gave me the strength I needed to stay NC. I knew I didn't want to give them the satisfaction of knowing that I was still thinking of them and hurting. That's what worked for me. Everyone has different things, but NC is an absolute must. The first month or two is awful and there is no way around it. Try to be very good to yourself - every day do something that brings you happiness (or at least lightens your mood). Could be going for a walk, could be watching a funny show, making your favorite meal, talking to a good friend. Do something. Allow yourself to cry as much as you need to.

 

I know how hard it is not to compare yourself to his new girlfriend. Believe me, I know this. But you don't know the reality of their relationship. Things are always perfect in the beginning. You have no idea how things will go with them. You can't control this. Letting go and cutting them out of your life will help you a lot. Tell your friends not to give you updates on them.

 

Think of your dignity. You don't want to be the woman that he refers to as "crazy". No woman wants to be that. Think of a woman you admire, even if they are fictional. I always think of women like Elizabeth Taylor or Cleopatra - would they show up at a man's house to beg for another chance? NO!! They would walk away with their heads held high and know that they would find someone better.

[Lorenza]

Limiya, you just have to get a grip on yourself. It's not like you have no control over your actions - you just have to take charge of yourself and stop contacting him. Also, I'm assuming you've already had your fair share of relationships in the past, so you know how you won't die this time either. It will pass just like before and you need to stop telling yourself there's no point in waking up etc. Yes, I know it feels really ****ty and emotional stress can really take a toll on our bodies and it did for me too as I'm also delicate and melancholic, but time goes by and it keeps getting better and you must know it in your 30's. This isn't the time to humiliate yourself or feel like youre gonna die because of a guy. Leave that for the silly 20 somethings

Also remember you didn't even want him this much when you had him. Or you would have tried to seal the deal with him much earlier.

 

Your biggest motivation to not contact him right now is - you're mature, you're good enough, you have control, that's the right thing to do, you won't die and most importantly - you are strong enough to let go of someone who doesn't want you anymore. It's much more difficult when there's ambiguity. But he told you straight away. That's it. Dust yourself off and keep going. And no more "what's the point".

[Limiya]

@nolanola

 

 

I have already deleted his number (again). As soon as he left my house I deleted his number completely.

I've written it down and hidden it away for now.

I don't want to contact him. I want to let him go, and give him the space he needs and to do whatever he needs to do.

I have no concern about him messaging me or calling me. We made it clear that's not going to happen. I made it clear to him I won't be contacting him any further. I feel ok about that. He's not on my WhatsApp or any social media at all.

 

 

The comparing myself to her is there yes. That's going to be very difficult not to do. I know she's young and pretty (as per my friend) and that just is a blow to my ego on a big basis.

 

 

The Cleopatra/Elizabeth Taylor analogy is a great one. You're absolutely right. I really wanted to be like that, but the pain was so overwhelming at the time that I couldn't see the wood for the trees you know?

I couldn't even get my thoughts in order at all.

He even told me, 'Limiya, when you want to text me, you should think first'. I laughed and told him it's easy to say, but at the time there was no thought process,... just reaction.

 

 

This is why I asked him to block me, just so if I did ever break contact, it wouldn't affect or annoy him. He insisted he wasn't going to block me ever. Not an option. I just have to be strong. So I guess, that's what i'll have to do. Whatever it takes.

 

 

I'm watching some great youtube videos to help me keep to NC.

I know it'll probably never make a difference in regards to him coming back (I honestly believe that will never happen) but it will heal me in the long term, and I honestly just want to feel better.

 

 

I'm hoping I can start focussing on myself now and not him... or her.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

[Limiya]

@Lorenza

 

 

Thanks. I know I have to get a grip. I've had breakups before and handled it no problem. This time I just completely broke for whatever reason.

I am doing everything in my power from now on to stick this out.

I think subconsciously I was trying to make the effort that he wanted when we were together that I wasn't showing at the time, and I wanted to prove to him that I do love him etc.

I explained this and how it was 2 opposing sides. One side telling me to leave him alone and let him go, and the other side yelling at me to show him that I do love him etc. Now or never, type of scenario.

So I was back and forth and up and down.

 

 

Now I feel in my heart I know what to do. As painful as it feels, there is no other option or other hand. It's done, he's gone. I accept it now.

[Lorenza]

Ok, sorry! Ignore my "you didn't want him that much" comment then but the rest applies!

About the Cleopatra/Elisabeth Taylor comment - I wrote a similar thought on my thread. My go-to example is that of Anita Wood and Elvis Presley, back when he was insanely handsome, cool and famous as hell. She walked out on him, the moment she found out he is torn apart between her and another girl, her pride was so hurt she walked out on the most desirable young man in America at that time. I'm sure the story isn't as simple but I've simplified it in my mind as an example to myself.