Trying to push myself into NC

[nolanola]

Oh @Limiya, I'm so sorry to hear that you have been having a hard time. Being alone at times like that is the worst. 2018 was the absolute worst year of my life: my ex broke my heart, my Dad was diagnosed with cancer, and I had my own health and infertility struggles. It seemed like nothing would go right. Like I would never get a win. I completely understand that feeling of loss and solitude. Please keep going and keep focusing on what you can to bring some light into your life.

 

A counselor is a great option. Mine has helped me a lot. When I leave her office, I often record messages for myself with a summary of what she said. Because I find that when I leave her office I will feel much better, but I will forget those things later in the week. When I feel sad and I need a boost, I listen to the messages with her comments. Or I record messages to myself when I feel good so I can listen to them when I feel bad. That helps me a lot. I also have a file on my desktop with quotes that I've seen either here or on the web in general that have made me feel better. I read them when I need a boost.

 

I know this is hollow right now, but your ex does not deserve your love and adoration. If he can abandon you when you've had so much health trouble recently, then he doesn't deserve to even be your friend. Truly. A real friend would at least check in on you and ask you how you are, even if they aren't there like a boyfriend.

[BC1980]

You haven't gone backwards. It's normal to have starts and stops when you are grieving. It's not a straight path. Having a medical emergency made you think of him, so, if course, you would be upset. That's totally normal at this point. Keeping NC for 4 weeks is great. You do be stronger in the end because you didn't contact him.

[Beachead]

@Limiya

 

If there was ever a test, it would be being vulnerable in a hospital and all alone, and you managed to get through that without breaking NC. A lot of people would have caved.

 

So I think you're doing pretty well. 4 weeks of no contact represents a tremendous amount of discipline and hard work. I know making it to that number wasn't easy.

 

Be proud of yourself, but also remember, healing's going to be a very up and down process over the next several months. There will be things that happen to you in your life just like this situation, that are going to trigger you and make you want to contact him. Just know, those urges do pass if you stay strong and ride it out. The longer you go in no contact, the more you'll realize that you're getting better and the less likely you're going to want to sabotage that progress and return to that horrible state of mind you were in before you began all this.

 

Good job and keep going!

 

- Beach

[Beachead]

@Limiya

 

If there was a situation to test your discipline, it would be being vulnerable in a hospital and all alone, and you managed to get through that without breaking NC when a lot of people would have caved.

 

I think you're doing pretty well. 4 weeks of no contact represents a tremendous amount of discipline and hard work. I know reaching that number wasn't easy.

 

Just remind yourself that the grieving process is going to be a very up and down process over the next several months. There will be things that happen to you in your life just like this situation, that are going to trigger you and make you want to contact him. Just know, those urges will pass if you stay strong and ride it out, so don't get too caught in the ups and downs and think those particular moods are going to last forever. That'll just be your mind playing tricks on you.

 

Also, the longer you go in no contact, the more you'll realize that you're getting better and the less likely you're going to want to sabotage that progress and return to that horrible state of mind you were in before you began all this.

 

Be proud of yourself and keep going!

 

- Beach

[Limiya]

Hi guys,

I thought i'd pop in a drop an update, although there is not much to report.

 

 

I've still kept to No Contact so far. So its about …. I don't know... 7 weeks now?

I don't know how I've managed to do it, but I have. It certainly hasn't been easy, especially with the hospital visits.

I still think about him every day, all the time. That doesn't lessen, and I think that will take more time.

 

 

I haven't heard anything from him. Not a peep. I've been quite impressed actually, although I am aware it's a lot easier for him if he is seeing someone else.

Speaking of which, I have no idea if he is still with this girl or not. I have no way of knowing unless I physically see him with her somewhere, which is highly unlikely.

I don't know why this keeps crossing my mind.

 

 

I did cave the other night and unblocked his fb to check if he changed anything. Nothing was different. Still showed single, not a single update or picture.

He's never been much of a social media person anyway.

 

 

I'll continue to stick to NC but it's difficult at times still. This week has been quite difficult especially. I don't know why I feel much weaker right now but I do.

I am hoping it's just a blip and I will start improving again.

I hope this is normal.

[Maddie82]

If he hasn't updated his social media in weeks then he's obviously busy with this new girlfriend. By what you said it makes me worry that you are on the verge of trying to contact him again. That would be a very bad idea and will undo everything you have done so far. Stick with no contact. Do more to occupy your mind to stop you from thinking about him.

[Limiya]

If he hasn't updated his social media in weeks then he's obviously busy with this new girlfriend. By what you said it makes me worry that you are on the verge of trying to contact him again. That would be a very bad idea and will undo everything you have done so far. Stick with no contact. Do more to occupy your mind to stop you from thinking about him.

 

 

 

Yes, you're right. I don't know why but this week I've been struggling to not reach out to him. Not idea why or where it has come from. I was doing well with NC and then this came out of nowhere.

Luckily I haven't and I don't intend to. It's difficult when those moments creep up on me though. It is usually just before bed. I am keeping busy as much as possibly hence i'm working extra hours and still going out and seeing friends etc.

 

 

I am hoping this feeling will pass soon and I can continue forwards.

[nolanola]

@Limiya, I totally understand that feeling. A lot of healing I think is like waves. Sometimes you are up and feel really good and sometimes you are down and feel really bad. Usually, if you wait when you feel bad, you will start to feel better again without doing anything. When I feel bad I can try to talk myself into all kinds of things: checking Facebook, beating myself up, thinking of the worst case scenario, texting him. That's when I need to step back and remember that these feelings are temporary and will pass if I let them.

 

7 weeks is great!! It takes a long, long time I think. Especially when you feel hurt or betrayed. I am at almost 10 months and I still have bad days where I feel awful. Two days ago was my birthday (the first one since I stopped talking to my ex) and although it was a good day overall, whether he would reach out to me lingered in the back of my mind. When he didn't, I felt really sad. But then I reminded myself that a birthday text doesn't mean anything. And it's almost like it helped me to see that he is gone from my life. At least for the foreseeable future. And last night I felt ok again. Each time I get down and come back up again, I feel like I am healing even more. This has been a very difficult time for me and I would have rather not have had to go through it, but I feel so much stronger now.

 

Fight through those times when you feel sad or you miss him. I may have mentioned this before, but I made a list on my phone of bad things about my ex. Some are small and some are big. When I want to put him on a pedestal, which is often, I get out that list and look at it. My ex is adored by the world. He is very successful and brilliant and we have many mutual friends. So it can be hard to see everyone adoring him and not feel that I was somehow wrong in being upset at how he treated me. But when I look at that list, it reminds me that he might be great in some ways, but he sucks at others.

 

Hugs, girl. Hang in there.

[Limiya]

@nolanola

 

 

Thanks for the kind words. Your encouragement means a lot to me.

I was worried something was seriously wrong with me this week. I guess I will get strong waves like this where I feel like I have to do something.

Like I said before, the main thing stopping me is more humiliation. I don't want to reach out to someone who may still be in a relationship with someone else. Plus the fact he hasn't once contacted me in 7 weeks means and says a lot.

 

 

Our bond was not quite as special or strong as I thought it was.

I am beginning to think that perhaps he wasn't how he portrayed himself to be after all.

It's taking time but I am hoping if I can stick to this NC then these waves will lessen.

 

 

I hope you still had a lovely birthday despite the no reach out from your ex.

I would have felt a bit hurt too tbh. The thing is, it doesn't matter how well known or loved your ex is. Only you were witness to his flaws. I will re-write my list out again to remind me.

[nolanola]

There is nothing wrong with you other than that you are hurting and sad. And it's ok to feel like that. You've been through so much with your breakup and injury in the past few months - you are surviving!! I rely on tricks just like you do - I try to think that I want my ex to wonder why I haven't reached out. Even if he doesn't and it doesn't affect him at all, it helps me to keep motivated when I feel like "what would it hurt to say something to him"?

 

Thanks for the birthday wishes! As sad as I was at the time, I honestly think I turned a corner a little bit. My list of bad things about my ex helps me A LOT. I still have him on a pedestal so I totally get where you're coming from - it's hard to break that. But in taking a very honest inventory of the things he did and said helps to see that even though he has many admirable qualities, he's conflict avoidant, a coward, and selfish. And when I can see that (even if it's just for a few minutes before the other thoughts creep in), I don't want him anymore.

 

Write here any time you need a boost.

[psustu]

I dated a girl who I thought was the one.. We went from dating to FWB, but I too still took her out, told her I loved her and told her when she was ready, I wanted her back in my life 100% not just FWB... After about a year of this, she must have found a Better FWB or a guy with more money etc.. As she ghosted me, and broke my heart.. I never just wanted to Fu$% her, I wanted her forever... So please dont say just FWB works for guys.. Guys fall in love too..

[Limiya]

So... *deep breath*… I broke no contact *face palm*.

I know I know... stupid.

2 months and I kind of reached out.

 

 

I'll try and keep it short.

Due to his work, he has knowledge and access to supplements and holistic therapies etc.

Due to my recent hospital visits, my dr gave me loads of paperwork to read etc, and amongst this paperwork it advised me to take a certain type of vitamin.

I looked online and they looked really expensive. So I tried the local health shop, but they had no idea and couldn't help. Then I tried the pharmacy but they told me they had to order them in. They never arrived and were told they had no stock to order.

 

 

In the end, I sat with the phone in my hand for like 15 minutes, staring at it, thinking 'should I call and ask him? what if he has the answer?'

If he doesn't answer, then at least I tried. If he does, I can just ask, get my answer and move on.

 

 

So... he answers. He sounds surprised but really happy to hear from me.

I asked if he was at home and free for a moment. He said yes. So I skipped anything else and went straight to the question.

He asked who they were for. I said myself. He asked why I needed them. I vaguely told him why. He asked me to tell him what happened. So I told him about the hospital visit and results and what the doctors said etc etc.

 

 

He is listening, but doesn't really let me finish properly. He interrupts me and tell me the doctors are wrong. That I don't need the vitamins, and that the only reason I was ill at all was that I have blocked emotions and need to release them and this is why I had the health issues.

I tried to explain that no, I had biopsies taken, and I have been diagnosed with a real condition that I need to address and may have medication for.

 

 

Again, he dismisses this and says Doctors don't really know that much, that I need his help to release the blocked emotions I have.

He then asks me... 'Have you been feeling emotional or stressed recently?'

Like... what?

I said of course I have. Why?

He asks why I am stressed and emotional.

I told him it was 'personal reasons'. I didn't want to admit to him about how bad I've been since the breakup.

 

 

He re-words it and says. 'Apart from the us situation, what other major stress have you had?'.

I went quiet and I just said no other stress really. That was it. But that I was much better recently (lie).

He then told me I should book an appointment with his colleague who is an acupuncturist etc and he will advise me what to do next and that if he is advised to, he will also give me some treatments to help me 'release' my emotions etc etc.

Then he said that he will always help me whenever I need it because 'I still care about you despite what happened'.

 

 

I was getting irritated at this point. I didn't comment on the above. I asked how he family was and his work and he talked another 20 minutes about his job and his career aspirations blah blah.

He told me he was going to the gym still 3 times a week. That he was thinking he should do more cardio to lose weight. I told him he doesn't need to lose weight, that he's perfect as he is. He sounded touched and said thank you.

We small talked a little and I asked about holidays and he said he was thinking of going away in September for a holiday to Greece but wasn't sure yet. Then I remembered, he is probably still dating the girl he left me for.

I decided to not ask anything about it, or mention anything personal at all.

I told him thanks for the advise but could he still recommend me the site he uses for the vitamins and he said no, I don't need it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

So it was a waste of a phone call really.

It made me realise that he obviously hasn't missed me at all since the breakup.

He didn't give me any indication that he even thinks of me or anything.

I felt irritated that he just diagnosed me himself over the phone, and dismissed me doctors as quacks and that everything about my diagnosis is wrong and that I should take his advice.

It made me realise that he's still the same and hasn't changed that much and is not the most ideal perfect god I've elevated him to in my mind.

 

 

Yes I still miss him every day. I still cry over him. Yes I am sure he is still seeing this younger girl (although it doesn't seem serious yet), but I also realise he's still that Mr Know it all alterative therapist who just wanted to show off on the phone about how clever and knowlegable he is.

 

 

I don't regret the phonecall. I feel a bit better knowing he doesn't hate me or have hard feelings for me. Although it does hurt knowing he seems completely indifferent to me and doesn't miss me in the slightest.

 

 

Writing this all down helps re-enforce that he's not so perfect after all.

Back to No Contact for me.

[Maddie82]

Referring back to my comment where i said i was worried that you were on the verge of breaking no contact, you assured me that you didn't intend to. But i knew you would. You have put yourself back to the beginning again and made things even more harder for yourself It's also clear that he definitely not in the same place as you and is not suffering and not crying over you.

Edited September 5, 2019 by Maddie82

[Limiya]

@Maddie82

 

 

Yes Maddie, you were right. I could feel myself breaking no contact slowly. And each day was such a fight not to. But i'm kind of glad I did. I don't feel back at square 1 at the moment. It did throw me and I cried a bit yesterday, but the phone call irritated me how he just wouldn't listen to what I was explaining, and it made me feel that I had elevated him way too high on that pedestal. Especially after realising he didn't miss me or think of me.

 

 

I am proud I managed 2 months. I have just booked myself a flight to go away for a couple of weeks this month too so I can have a break.

At least if I still feel crap, I can feel crap on a beach and the break will probably do me some good.

[Maddie82]

@Maddie82

 

 

Yes Maddie, you were right. I could feel myself breaking no contact slowly. And each day was such a fight not to. But i'm kind of glad I did. I don't feel back at square 1 at the moment. It did throw me and I cried a bit yesterday, but the phone call irritated me how he just wouldn't listen to what I was explaining, and it made me feel that I had elevated him way too high on that pedestal. Especially after realising he didn't miss me or think of me.

 

 

I am proud I managed 2 months. I have just booked myself a flight to go away for a couple of weeks this month too so I can have a break.

At least if I still feel crap, I can feel crap on a beach and the break will probably do me some good.

 

This is a good idea and i think it will definitely do you some good x

[Beachead]

@Limiya

 

I think apart from being out of options regarding the medication, there was a part of you (The heartbroken part) that wanted to talk to him..a part of you that needed to affirm some things for yourself regarding him and the relationship and your decision to walk away from this. It was something your subconscious needed to do for yourself.

 

There are a lot of personal reasons for why we return to those people who may not be good for us. Most of which has to do with what's going on within us than with our exes. I think with you, it's more to do with a lack belief in yourself that you are capable of building a great life and a future for yourself, without your ex. This translates to fear and doubt which brings you back to him. Furthermore, it can have you doubt whether you did the right thing making you may feel like you have questions that need answering. Regret for your behaviour during certain situations with him can exacerbate these insecurities. He represents a person in a time where you felt comfortable and safe and he validates that you are capable of being loved and more often than not, it is most certainly easier to blanket ourselves inside that, than to face an unknown future, alone. I think you have broken out of this bubble now and are well on your way to a healthy recovery. You speak like someone who's getting her bearings again. Being wounded by him reminds you of who he really is and how he really feels about you, which set your mind back to where it needed to be, thus helping you move forward.

 

So don't be hard on yourself. You needed this and you did it for a reason. Nothing is wrong with you. Being on the mend, it's expected you may have set backs and break contact. It's a part of healing. I've broken contact myself. Many others have. It's okay.

 

Stay strong and keep posting here if you need it.

 

- Beach

Edited September 5, 2019 by Beachead

[nolanola]

I 100% agree with Beachead!! I was going to say the same thing. This has nothing to do with medications. It's about you grieving the loss of this guy and what you thought you guys might have together. That part (the fantasy of what he is or what you guys could have been together) is the harder part to let go of. That's why we can still want someone that doesn't treat us well or (if we're really honest with ourselves) is kind of a jerk. We still want them to be the fantasy we made them out to be.

 

In the end, breaking NC might turn out to be a really good thing, because it highlighted the crappy parts of him and made him seem less like your dream guy.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself. Healing takes a long time and it's not a straight line. You are making progress, even if you're had a little bump in the road. I don't think you're back to square one at all. You're farther along that you were before, even if you can't see it.

[Limiya]

Thanks guys,

These most latest comments really helped. I don't want to fall into the trap of beating myself up over having broke NC.

However I don't feel nearly as anxious as I did before. So obviously it helped me rather than hindered I think.

 

 

He did end up calling me about 5 days later. Apparently he forgot to tell me something important and that I should keep away from cats because they won't help my allergies (I am not allergic to cats).

I was waiting for the important part, but apparently that was it.

*facepalm*

He then told me he was looking for a new car, so we talked about that briefly, then told me he was going to his friends birthday party on Sunday.

I told him if there was anything else he was calling me about?

He got upset and said no, and said 'I won't call you anymore if you don't want me to'.

This annoyed me. I just clarified if it was about the cat thing and he said yes.

I thanked him for the information, and we wound down the conversation.

He said 'kisses' and I said 'goodnight' and I left it at that.

 

 

I know I shouldn't have answered, but again I just shook my head afterwards as I couldn't and still can't understand that reasoning and why he had to call me to tell me that.

I am feeling more clear headed the past week now. I think the contact helped put things in perspective just a little bit for me.

I can really feel myself turning a corner.

[Maddie82]

 

He did end up calling me about 5 days later. Apparently he forgot to tell me something important and that I should keep away from cats because they won't help my allergies (I am not allergic to cats).

 

I know I shouldn't have answered, but again I just shook my head afterwards as I couldn't and still can't understand that reasoning and why he had to call me to tell me that.

 

How did you know it was him calling you? You said you deleted and blocked his number and threw out the piece of paper with it written on. Was that just a lie?

[Limiya]

How did you know it was him calling you? You said you deleted and blocked his number and threw out the piece of paper with it written on. Was that just a lie?

 

 

 

Hi Maddie82,

 

 

At the time I did delete it/block. But then I eventually went on his web-site and used his number from there (He uses it for work).

After this last time we spoke, I just deleted it and not blocked it. I knew it was him calling cause I recognised the last 3 or 4 digits of the number and guessed it was him. I hope that makes sense.

 

 

I don't think I need to block anymore. I feel much calmer about the whole thing since these last 2 conversations with him for some reason.

[Maddie82]

At the time I did delete it/block. But then I eventually went on his web-site and used his number from there (He uses it for work).

 

Does his website specialize in what you called him about? If so, couldn't you have just gotten the info you needed from there? I think you used this vitamin issue as an excuse to call him. You could've found the info you needed through google searches.

 

You think talking to him has helped but it's just a quick fix. How long will it be before you're low enough to need your next fix? It's a vicious cycle.

Edited September 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[stillafool]

You're still trying to leave a crack in the door in case by some chance he wants you. This is going to set you back and has already. You say you feel better and that is only because he called and warned you to stay away from cats. You don't know that he and his new gf are not getting serious about each other. I'm sure he isn't going on vacay to Greece alone as it's more than likely with her. You need to put this behind you. You came here in June about this problem and if you had stuck to NC you would be much further ahead than now.

[Beachead]

@Limiya

 

I feel much calmer about the whole thing since these last 2 conversations with him for some reason.

 

1.Could be your getting better.

2.Could be you got a fix and you're feeling high at the moment. (Recall your ex is a drug and you're an addict. You're going through withdrawal and your mind is always looking for ways to return you back to your fix, even if it means self-deception,)

 

It hasn't been long since you started NC and began feeling better. Though your progress thus far is commendable, things are recent enough that you're still liable to relapse. So I'd say it's more likely your current good mood since speaking to him is because of Number 2.

 

Test that by seeing how you feel after a month. If you still feel good, then that means speaking to him no longer impacts you as badly as it once did and you're actually getting better. But if you find you're anxiety is rising, you're missing him, and/or thinking about reaching out again, it means you are not fully healed yet and should do everything in your power, to remain in NC.

 

- Beach

Edited September 11, 2019 by Beachead

[Limiya]

Hmmm yeah I think maybe you guys have a point.

I've just been enjoying feeling that anxiety lessen this past week and thought maybe it's cause i'm turning a corner or something.

 

 

I know i'm not over it, and I still hurt over the whole thing. It's not like i'm skipping down the road without a care in the world.

It's all in my mind isn't it? All this mind reading and maybe this and maybe that.

The fact is, if he really cared i'd have known by now. And Yeah Maddie82, his web-site does not have the info I needed, but it does list his number so.. not quite so easy to avoid it.

 

 

I'm not as bad as I was when this whole thing began. I have improved, but i'm definitely not out of the woods yet.

Yes, I think that crack in the door will be there for quite a while until I no longer feel anything. Until then I will just do what I can, as best as I can.