I don't know what to do...

[junque64]

I hope someone can give me some advice, this is rather long I apologize in advance.

 

I am 41 yo and have been married almost 19 years. We have 2 teens and just bought a home last year. My husband was in the military for 20 years and is now in the 2nd year of his second career. We are in a town I don't wish to be in and I am miserable. All of my family is a good 800 miles away. His family is about 500 miles away. When he was active duty, I loved moving and starting over. This is not the place I wanted to retire. The hurricanes just make it worse.

 

Here is my situation. I love my husband, but I'm not sure I'm 'in' love with him. He is a good father, provider and person. He is not a great husband. My self-esteem is very very poor and I'm just figuring out it is from years of neglect. Our sex life is awful, just awful. I know for fact that we've had sex 3 times in the last 18 months. And he will use any excuse in the book. I am not unattractive and am not undesirable. He is not having an affair. This has been going on for years.

 

His mistress is his hand. He has porn on his laptop and for a while was taking his laptop into the bathroom with him, but I put an end to that. Last year, our then 12yo walked in on him masterbating - I cornered him and told him if one of our kids ever walked in on him again, I would leave and never look back. Every once in awhile I will have a sit down with him and tell him how his habit is breaking my heart and damaging me emotionally and mentally. I get what I call a 'courtesy screw' (for lack of something nicer..... sorry) and then it starts over again. I get every excuse in the book like I said "You don't feel good" 'I don't feel good" "I'm tired" "Weve been busy" I can't take it any more. It's not fair.

 

I know the truth. The truth is he is not attracted to me - there can't be any other reason.... it just doesn't make sense. I can't tell you how many times I've walked in on him and how many times we've had a discussion about it. I can understand self gratification if your partner is not with you - or self gratification occasionally if your partner IS with you but every time? Using it instead of the real thing? We always hit the same snag - I don't know what to do anymore.

 

I am so afraid to leave - I'm afraid I'll regret it. I'm also afraid to stay - what if I regret that? I've been having this battle with myself for the last 10 years. Why am I too weak to leave? Why can't I convince myself that I deserve more? I am a great mom and wife. He has 3 moods - goofy, pissed and not pissed. He doesn't talk to me or the girls, he lectures us. He tends to be miserly despite our having a very healthy income. He questions every thing I spend - he claims just to know what to put in the budget. Then he gives me grief about our spending habits - "Do you know what we spent on the girls cell phones? I didn't have a cell phone, why do they need a cell phone, this is ridiculous." Or the favorite one "Why don't you stop buying scrapbook stuff and start scrapbooking, I haven't seen you do anything in a year" and the most fun he has is on the weekends when the girls allowence goes in their account, and they spend the weekend at the mall spending it.

 

I can think of a thousand reasons to leave, and maybe 5 to stay. Why is it so difficult for me? Someone please, if you can shed some light on this subject I would certainly appreciate it.

 

 

Thank you so much,

Sad and alone...

[Chimerical]

You made me want to cry. :*( HUG.

 

I know a little of how you feel, and I know how much it hurts me, and destroys my self-esteem.

 

Do you ever see what he's looking up on the internet? My exH had a thing for pregnant women. That's mostly what he used to masterbate to. Is it anything that? Something that you haven't been able to provide to him, so he goes somewhere else for it?

 

Or is it fairly "normal", not really a fetish?

 

I was going to suggest that maybe instead of "talking to him" about his porn habit, maybe attempt to play along with it? If it's something you could feel comfortable with, not too weird for you, or something that wouldn't hurt you. After 20 years, sex with the same person does become ... less then exciting. Have you done anything to spice it up? Rekindle his desire in you? Are you bored with sex with him? Is that showing to him? Maybe he feels you don't like it, but he still has needs and takes care of them himself?

 

From my experience, men will Never understand how much it destroys a women's self-esteem. and no amount of talking about it will help. You've probably figured this out by now. The best I've come up with is to try to be more exciting, more interesting, and more interested, with sex. I takes a lot of work though. And he's probably not going to make any sudden turn around as far as desiring you. It'll be excrutiatingly slow, and a lot of effort on your part.

 

It may help bring you and your husband closer together. Which may also lessen the complaints about spending habits. If he felt he was getting what he wanted from the relationship, he probably wouldn't complain so much about where all his hard earned money goes.

 

I would council against leaving. But committ yourself to attempting to "fix" what is wrong. At some point he either didn't feel sex was something you wanted, or that it was always the same and it wasn't able to excite him like it used to. In response to that, he became less affectionate, and more concerned with where his hard earned money was going.

 

It's not because your a bad person, you sound like a wonderful women. But it sounds like he's not going to see there's an issue. You see it. That's incredibly intuitive of you. Now it's up to you to start to fix it, show him you are serious about it. Give it time to work. Months. not day's. Then if you do decide you can't live that way anymore, you'll know you did everything in your power to fix the problem. Then you won't have any regrets about the decision you make.

[Sheba]

He has a problem that requires professional help. Isn't an addiction defined as the use of something such that it interferes with your life? His use of porn qualifies. I am sure that a person who has acquired such a pervasive habit can't get rid of it alone. This man needs a good counsellor before he sacrifices his marriage!

[junque64]

Thank you for your reply - No he isn't into fetish's - and I've talked to him over and over and tried everything. I've even had him check out some internet porn addiction information - no use. He does this at the very least once a day. I will always resent him for doing it while we were going thru fertility treatments. I told him he was flushing our future down the toilet - literally. We eventually adopted and I wouldn't trade my girls for anything in the world, but I can't help but wonder.... what if?

 

I get more angry by the moment, and I just want to strangle him and ask him why? As Sheba said - it's an addiction and he IS sacrificing his marraige. I read on one board last year there was a whole group of people who gave their spouses a choice - and the spouse chose porn.

 

I'm not against porn - to each his own. I don't judge people for anything much less porn - I just this something is terribly wrong in this situation. I wish there were an easy way to figure it all out - but there isn't. And I just become more depressed each day, and have less tolerance for anything he says or does more and more as time goes on. I don't want to feel like this. I'm so lost and confused. He won't get help, he won't even see it as a problem - I feel like there is no other choice. My kids will be devastated, so will I.

[junque64]

I know a little of how you feel, and I know how much it hurts me, and destroys my self-esteem.

 

Thank you for validating my feelings.

 

Do you ever see what he's looking up on the internet? My exH had a thing for pregnant women. That's mostly what he used to masterbate to. Is it anything that? Something that you haven't been able to provide to him, so he goes somewhere else for it?

 

Yep I've seen what he's looking at - and no, nothing fetish. Sometimes blondes, sometimes brunettes, sometimes red-heads......

From my experience, men will Never understand how much it destroys a women's self-esteem. and no amount of talking about it will help. You've probably figured this out by now. The best I've come up with is to try to be more exciting, more interesting, and more interested, with sex. I takes a lot of work though. And he's probably not going to make any sudden turn around as far as desiring you. It'll be excrutiatingly slow, and a lot of effort on your part.

 

To be honest, he doesn't deserve my efforts - I've done everything I can everything. I'm done. I thought long and hard on this for a long time, today, I found strength I didn't know I had. I have not discussed my situation with anyone but ya'll - but I will tell you this - the next time I catch him, he's packing his bags - there is no other way around it. I'm done.

 

 

Again thank you so much for taking the time to answer me - it means a lot.

 

hugs and happiness to you and yours.

[whichwayisup]

I'm sorry for your pain.

 

Seems he may not know what he's doing until he feels the loss of you. By kicking him out, maybe then he'll get some help and/or realize he's so WRONG in what he's doing.

 

If you decide to take him back, make sure he is seeking some sort of therapy and maybe marriage counselling would help.

 

Stay strong.

[GuySimple]

You sound very frustrated and it must be difficult for your children to understand.

 

It does sound like an addiction. Rather than having a drug problem he is getting his fix from the computer porn. I would expect that if he had to buy a magazine he would be less incline to do it as it would mean admitting to someone outside of his family that he had a problem. The same as an alcoholic not going to the same store everyday for their booze.

 

I couldn't tell from your post how long he has been doing this. I know this sounds maybe a bit odd, but in men this is fairly common as a form of stress relief. Is this possible in his situation? Starting a second career after 20 years in a place like the military must be stressful. I expect the military itself would be a stressful place.

 

Some men won’t admit that they do it, though most do for various reason’s. The fact that he hasn’t tried to find someone else (if he’s not being with you) to act out is fantasies means he is probably not doing it for emotional fulfillment but purely physical.

 

Have you spent any time away with each other? Like a vacation. Maybe a week or two in a nice place where you could both concentrate on each other and where there is no internet. Maybe he will see that he has a problem and want some help.

[Sheba]

You seem to be at the end of your rope, and it is no surprise if this is a daily occurence.

 

I don't blame you for taking a hard line, especially with children in the house. One of the things I hope my kids enjoy in life is a healthy loving sexual relationship with their eventual partner - I would hate to have my children bear witness to their father masturbating to porn! That sort of carelessness on his part verges on abusive.

 

If you want to take a hard line, and think your marriage could be saved, perhaps the hard line is that he get professional help and that a "Nanny" program is put on ALL home computers that will prevent access to porn - you will have the password, not him. I know it seems ridiculous to have a "Nanny" prevent site access to an adult, but I think he has lost his self control.

 

I am saddened and shocked to learn that some people choose porn over a real lover. However, some trade their families for a bottle or VLT. I guess it is the same thing.

[pamos]

I read your post and could only nod as I was reading it and agree. My husband and I have been married 16 years and now I basically live for my son. He brings me joy- we do stuff together and really talk. My husb, like yours, has 2 moods - moody and goofy. He does not have a porn issue though-I wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy...I sometimes wish that he did do something like that or have an affair so it would really give me a reason to walk out....Is it possible for you to leave, take your kids and go live with your relatives? I know you are a long way, but maybe that will force him to get the help he needs. My hubby was also in the military and I dont know but when he was on active duty its like he morphed into a diff man. Like he is man and I am woman and what he says goes....Maybe that why there is a high divorce rate in the military. YOu could also disconnect the internet, or if you have dial - up disconnect the phone line. It would take some balls to do(you have cell phones-right). I always like to remember what Dr Phill would say, you are the only one there to protect those kids, if your kids walked in on a neighbor or someone else doing that wouldnt you kit the roof and take action? Just because he is your husband is not an excuse. I would hate to see you years down the road and have one of your children remember one of "those times". Do something and confide in your relatives, the more people that know the more embarressed he will be and may stop..

[Outcast]

Ask him to go to marriage counseling with you. If he refuses, you will have to decide if you want to issue an ultimatum for him to go to counseling or you will divorce him. But if you say it, you'll have to follow through so think carefully before you do so.

[roxy13230]

I hope someone can give me some advice, this is rather long I apologize in advance.

 

I am 41 yo and have been married almost 19 years. We have 2 teens and just bought a home last year. My husband was in the military for 20 years and is now in the 2nd year of his second career. We are in a town I don't wish to be in and I am miserable. All of my family is a good 800 miles away. His family is about 500 miles away. When he was active duty, I loved moving and starting over. This is not the place I wanted to retire. The hurricanes just make it worse.

 

Here is my situation. I love my husband, but I'm not sure I'm 'in' love with him. He is a good father, provider and person. He is not a great husband. My self-esteem is very very poor and I'm just figuring out it is from years of neglect. Our sex life is awful, just awful. I know for fact that we've had sex 3 times in the last 18 months. And he will use any excuse in the book. I am not unattractive and am not undesirable. He is not having an affair. This has been going on for years.

 

His mistress is his hand. He has porn on his laptop and for a while was taking his laptop into the bathroom with him, but I put an end to that. Last year, our then 12yo walked in on him masterbating - I cornered him and told him if one of our kids ever walked in on him again, I would leave and never look back. Every once in awhile I will have a sit down with him and tell him how his habit is breaking my heart and damaging me emotionally and mentally. I get what I call a 'courtesy screw' (for lack of something nicer..... sorry) and then it starts over again. I get every excuse in the book like I said "You don't feel good" 'I don't feel good" "I'm tired" "Weve been busy" I can't take it any more. It's not fair.

 

I know the truth. The truth is he is not attracted to me - there can't be any other reason.... it just doesn't make sense. I can't tell you how many times I've walked in on him and how many times we've had a discussion about it. I can understand self gratification if your partner is not with you - or self gratification occasionally if your partner IS with you but every time? Using it instead of the real thing? We always hit the same snag - I don't know what to do anymore.

 

I am so afraid to leave - I'm afraid I'll regret it. I'm also afraid to stay - what if I regret that? I've been having this battle with myself for the last 10 years. Why am I too weak to leave? Why can't I convince myself that I deserve more? I am a great mom and wife. He has 3 moods - goofy, pissed and not pissed. He doesn't talk to me or the girls, he lectures us. He tends to be miserly despite our having a very healthy income. He questions every thing I spend - he claims just to know what to put in the budget. Then he gives me grief about our spending habits - "Do you know what we spent on the girls cell phones? I didn't have a cell phone, why do they need a cell phone, this is ridiculous." Or the favorite one "Why don't you stop buying scrapbook stuff and start scrapbooking, I haven't seen you do anything in a year" and the most fun he has is on the weekends when the girls allowence goes in their account, and they spend the weekend at the mall spending it.

 

I can think of a thousand reasons to leave, and maybe 5 to stay. Why is it so difficult for me? Someone please, if you can shed some light on this subject I would certainly appreciate it.

 

 

Thank you so much,

Sad and alone...

It sounds like he needs some kind of help ( medical )with his sex life. You can't help him, He is the only one that can do that. But for you, i ;ve been there, i know that fear it took me 17 years to leave. what you need to do is call up your crime victims help line for abuse. they will help you fine a program that will help you become strong. i took a 13 week program 2 times before i could go. but you are a victim of abuse. GOOD LUCK