Why is this so hard to survive?

[ExhaustedOW]

Is this honestly your first break up? Come on..you know what you need to do.

 

SpiceCat, i've never been in a situation like this. this is rather unusual in many respects. working together makes NC complicated for many of us. and i'm a week into this new normal.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

See this guy as a stepping stone to the man who will not even think about disappointing you. You've got to let this one go to let the better one in. Also, get individual counseling to understand how you are attracting and engaging men who act like this.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Narcissism. They suck their supply from you then discard you easily.

 

Not saying he is a narcissist but they run very hot and cold.

 

Yep, hot and cold to maintain absolute control.

[whichwayisup]

I was not really suggesting he is a psychopath, I have no idea, he may be or may be not, but I was merely pointing out that his wife's craziness may be in direct response to how he has treated her.

 

I agree with this. He probably has lied to her so well he could win best actor award! Look how he's treated you so far, how he turned on you and now is ignoring you/ghosting you. It's abusive and manipulative behavior.

[MustbeloveNot]

Well you are the one causing pain.. you invaded her marriage therefore she has ever right to give you hell. You deserve it nothing more.

He is married and he’s not leaving his wife of 20+ years... he’s telling you what you want to hear to shut you up and so he can **** you. Nothing special nothing more than his side piece.

Wake up and get yourself in check. You are destroying his family and you are gaining Zero from him.

 

Look at the statistics of your relationship surviving even if he left his wife... you have better odds winning the lottery

[pepperbird]

op,

please get away from this man and count yourself lucky for doing so. don;t give him any more of yourself that you already have.

[ExhaustedOW]

Well you are the one causing pain.. you invaded her marriage therefore she has ever right to give you hell. You deserve it nothing more.

He is married and he’s not leaving his wife of 20+ years... he’s telling you what you want to hear to shut you up and so he can **** you. Nothing special nothing more than his side piece.

Wake up and get yourself in check. You are destroying his family and you are gaining Zero from him.

 

Look at the statistics of your relationship surviving even if he left his wife... you have better odds winning the lottery

 

i did not invade her marriage. he lied to me about the status of his marriage. he was a trusted colleague of 3+ years. i'm not at fault for trusting him when he told me that he was separated. in fact, he was. he was living with his mother. it was many months before she came knocking at my door. Even then, he remained separated and living apart. many months later i discovered he'd lied to me and was seeing his wife. and that was when i immediately asked him to leave and he did. i may be at fault for trusting him again after they initial betrayal, but he is the liar. you're entitled to your opinion and i appreciate the feedback. just think your perspective disproportionately puts the blame on my shoulders.

[elaine567]

Truth is separated men are bad news, so whilst he wasn't actually living with his wife, you should still have stayed well away for your own sake.

[ladydesigner]

Narcissism. They suck their supply from you then discard you easily.

 

Not saying he is a narcissist but they run very hot and cold.

 

My mind was screaming Narcissist the whole time reading this thread! I'm a former MOW/BS and you could have described me as the wife early on after D-Day before I REALLY knew who my WS was. It wasn't until much later that since learning about Narcissism I've been able to control my reactions. I'm currently in limbo planning my exit.

 

Narcissists will suck every bit of life out of you if you let them. Go gray rock if you have to interact with him but seriously RUN!

[ExhaustedOW]

Truth is separated men are bad news, so whilst he wasn't actually living with his wife, you should still have stayed well away for your own sake.

 

In retrospect, i agree.

[ExhaustedOW]

My mind was screaming Narcissist the whole time reading this thread! I'm a former MOW/BS and you could have described me as the wife early on after D-Day before I REALLY knew who my WS was. It wasn't until much later that since learning about Narcissism I've been able to control my reactions. I'm currently in limbo planning my exit.

 

Narcissists will suck every bit of life out of you if you let them. Go gray rock if you have to interact with him but seriously RUN!

 

i hear you. thank you. it's a very tough road. but i'm on it. i'm dreading tomorrow.

[ExhaustedOW]

For those that are reading, tomorrow is a big day. it was last tuesday that i wrecked my car and called him w/ no reply. i've not reached out since. nor has he. i've been through many twists & turns in this awful saga, but this is a new distance. ghosting. blow off. whatever. i'm in that awful sad mix of missing his daily check ins & hating him to no end. tomorrow, i have to be up at 4am and interact. to say i'm having anxiety is an understatement. and btw, i'm a million times more together than he is. i have a home. he just foreclosed. i have money in the bank. he's penniless. i have 2 jobs to his 1 (w/ me). i'm not insecure. i know i can do better. but it's an addiction-feeling attachment. after 4+ years of daily, it's a massive vacancy. when you're single. no kids. no extended family, it's a vacuum that is large. enormous. which is why i came onto this site to share. i'm having a very difficult time moving through.

[ExhaustedOW]

op,

please get away from this man and count yourself lucky for doing so. don;t give him any more of yourself that you already have.

 

of course, you are right. my head gets it. my heart wants a text hit. it's sick. sick. i get it. it's ridiculous & stupid. i miss the drug.

[ExhaustedOW]

i'm embarrassed to say, i bought a new dress to wear tomorrow. what's the point in that? there are 4 possible scenarios:

 

he calls in sick (my best guess)

he shows and ignores me (will make me insane)

he shows and is cordial & cold (will make me insane)

he shows and pursues as normal (will need strength - as pathetic as it is to admitt)

[SpiceCat]

i'm embarrassed to say, i bought a new dress to wear tomorrow. what's the point in that? there are 4 possible scenarios:

 

he calls in sick (my best guess)

he shows and ignores me (will make me insane)

he shows and is cordial & cold (will make me insane)

he shows and pursues as normal (will need strength - as pathetic as it is to admitt)

 

It's not pathetic in the slightest. Ghosting is the single most painful thing a person can do. I cannot even imagine how you're feeling right now.

 

If he does pursue, keep reminding yourself of how you're feeling now, and that there are many, many more instances of this feeling to come if you let this continue. Do you really want to go through this multiple times?

 

Best of luck to you, honestly. I hope he calls in sick.

[MustbeloveNot]

i did not invade her marriage. he lied to me about the status of his marriage. he was a trusted colleague of 3+ years. i'm not at fault for trusting him when he told me that he was separated. in fact, he was. he was living with his mother. it was many months before she came knocking at my door. Even then, he remained separated and living apart. many months later i discovered he'd lied to me and was seeing his wife. and that was when i immediately asked him to leave and he did. i may be at fault for trusting him again after they initial betrayal, but he is the liar. you're entitled to your opinion and i appreciate the feedback. just think your perspective disproportionately puts the blame on my shoulders.

 

That’s ridiculous.. he was a trusted colleague!! You knew him 3 years. I can tell you I know which of my colleagues are married and divorced. Stop pretending you didn’t know what was going on. I can accept that you might not have known when you first met but after 3 years bull****. The moment you found out he was STILL married you inserted yourself in her marriage. It’s none of your business if they were going to get separated etc.. why would you bother listening to him if he had already lied. Honestly I cannot imagine how you could degrade yourself.

 

Part of your problem is blaming others for your mistakes and poor choices.

You continued to be with him even though he was a liar and cheater.

That’s all on your shoulders dear.. no one else’s... you weren’t forced to be with him.. this isn’t the handmaids tale!

So take responsibility and learn from your 3+ years of wrongfulness and kick him to the curb. What are you waiting for he’s not leaving her and he never will.

[SpiceCat]

That’s ridiculous.. he was a trusted colleague!! You knew him 3 years. I can tell you I know which of my colleagues are married and divorced. Stop pretending you didn’t know what was going on. I can accept that you might not have known when you first met but after 3 years bull****. The moment you found out he was STILL married you inserted yourself in her marriage. It’s none of your business if they were going to get separated etc.. why would you bother listening to him if he had already lied. Honestly I cannot imagine how you could degrade yourself.

 

Part of your problem is blaming others for your mistakes and poor choices.

You continued to be with him even though he was a liar and cheater.

That’s all on your shoulders dear.. no one else’s... you weren’t forced to be with him.. this isn’t the handmaids tale!

So take responsibility and learn from your 3+ years of wrongfulness and kick him to the curb. What are you waiting for he’s not leaving her and he never will.

 

They are no longer seeing each other. You should read the full threads, or at least skim them, before responding...

[pepperbird]

op,

I am not saying your ex is a psychopath ( although there's definitely something up) but I thought this documentary may be helpful, especially the part about relationships and love bombing .- it's about 16 minutes in, but the rest is good too.

 

[mark clemson]

to say i'm having anxiety is an understatement. and btw, i'm a million times more together than he is. i have a home. he just foreclosed. i have money in the bank. he's penniless. i have 2 jobs to his 1 (w/ me).

 

OP, this is all just my personal opinion but whatever else happens do not under any circumstances let this person use your emotional attachment as leverage to borrow or get you to give them money. I very strongly suspect you'll never see it again, or if you do then they'll just return to borrow larger and larger sums. Just don't do it!

[ExhaustedOW]

OP, this is all just my personal opinion but whatever else happens do not under any circumstances let this person use your emotional attachment as leverage to borrow or get you to give them money. I very strongly suspect you'll never see it again, or if you do then they'll just return to borrow larger and larger sums. Just don't do it!

 

yes, i read your thoughts on an earlier post in this thread. i will not lend him any money.

[ExhaustedOW]

That’s ridiculous.. he was a trusted colleague!! You knew him 3 years. I can tell you I know which of my colleagues are married and divorced. Stop pretending you didn’t know what was going on. I can accept that you might not have known when you first met but after 3 years bull****. The moment you found out he was STILL married you inserted yourself in her marriage. It’s none of your business if they were going to get separated etc.. why would you bother listening to him if he had already lied. Honestly I cannot imagine how you could degrade yourself.

 

Part of your problem is blaming others for your mistakes and poor choices.

You continued to be with him even though he was a liar and cheater.

That’s all on your shoulders dear.. no one else’s... you weren’t forced to be with him.. this isn’t the handmaids tale!

So take responsibility and learn from your 3+ years of wrongfulness and kick him to the curb. What are you waiting for he’s not leaving her and he never will.

 

in the 3+ years working together before the A, we chatted & texted regularly but never discussed our personal lives. i was aware that he had grown children and that he'd been married but he never mentioned her by name or referenced anything about being in a current relationship. for my part, i was with my boyfriend for 6+ years. Unhappy but living together. And similarly, it wasn't ever discussed. you may find that "ridiculous" but it's how it was.

[ExhaustedOW]

It's Saturday morning now. For those following, I got up early yesterday for my meeting. I'd been having a great deal of anxiety thursday evening and posted about it here. To recap, i hadn't heard from him in over a week since i'd had my car accident & he didn't respond. this ghosting or whatever is new. he's never gone so long w/o contacting and typically if we'd ever had any discord he'd work like crazy to smooth things over before we have to see each other at work. with no calls or texts of apology as of late thursday, i went to bed with the strong suspicion that he would call in sick. He didn't.

 

5am he started texting: "Good Morning" "Hi" "You Awake?" "Did you leave yet?" "How's Traffic" "Are you there" "Hi" "Are you here yet?" "Did you park?" "Are you stuck in traffic?"... i arrived. I'd made a decision to be my calm & collected and to interact normally as if nothing had transpired. I was not going to address any of this with him today. Just smile & get through it. But i lost it.

 

I entered the large breakfast area where the various "teams" in our company were meeting prior to a general assembly type meeting. I walked in w/ a colleague, which was a good crutch. i had purposely arrived on the late side to avoid the casual breakfast chit chat. i approach our team's table and sat down. i felt very uncomfortable right away. i couldn't make eye contact. normally id say individual good morning's to each of my colleagues, but instead i sat down and just waved "hi". when breakfast was over, the entire room stood up to walk toward the general assembly meeting space. i walked ahead on my own. he came up behind me and put his hand on my back and leaned toward me to kiss me on the cheek and said, "hey, you don't say good morning?" And i snapped. "You left me on the side of the f***ing road!" I said it pretty loud. He looked stunned. i walked ahead. and sat in the corner back row closest to the exit door. we are supposed to sit together as a team. our boss had called in sick, so i blew it off and just sat as far away as i could, also wanting an easy exit if i needed it.

 

After the general assembly meeting, we break into small groups and go through a series of session. he followed me everywhere, grabbing the seat right next to me for each. And the texting was relentless: "bae i'm sorry, pls forgive me" "bae, i love you" "my love, pls reply" "you look hot" "bae, pls"... we had a mid day break. he approached me to apologize verbally. i'd hoped to stay NC but couldn't. i stared at him and said "what is wrong with you? why did you do this? how could you leave me on the side of the road?" he responded, "bae, can we talk about this later?"

 

When the meeting ended, he asked me to sit with him in his car so that he could explain. he's had 9 days to come up w/ something and his story was:

"my love, i didn't get your texts about the accident." i replied pointing out how obviously that was utter BS. he said he didn't call me for the next week bc he knew i was mad. that he thought about me every day. was tormented and kept grabbing the phone but hesitated b/c he knew how upset i was... Eventually, he backed down from the not seeing my car accident texts. Not so far as to acknowledge he lied but he'd say things like "i don't know why" when i'd ask how he could not reply to me being in a wreck. i asked him if he'd gone back to his wife. he insisted he hadn't. i told him i didn't believe him. i told him he was i was furious that he had put my in a position where i am now uncomfortable at work. that if he wanted to break w/ me, he should just have said so... he started reaching to touch my leg saying "no way. that's not what i want. i love you. you mean everything. i think about you 24/7. i can't live without you..." all this ended when i abruptly got out of the car in response to him answering another question w/ an obvious BS answer. he grabbed my arm "no, no, i'll drive you back to the door" I continue to get up. He grabbed the back of my skirt "babe, come on, i'll drive you". i got out. waked back to the building where i'd left my purse, computer, etc. Done.

 

All day yesterday afternoon & evening he called & texted continuously. i have 38 missed calls.

 

What is the psychology of this? WT* is his problem/point? I recognize fully that my moving forward is about overcoming my own issues, personal growth, evaluating how i got twisted into this in the first place, etc. But still, as i move through this immediate moment, your opinions about what this is all about are appreciated. i'm so close, it's hard for me to see it as clearly as I know you all can.

[ExhaustedOW]

op,

I am not saying your ex is a psychopath ( although there's definitely something up) but I thought this documentary may be helpful, especially the part about relationships and love bombing .- it's about 16 minutes in, but the rest is good too.

 

 

thank you! going to watch this afternoon.

[stillafool]

You're asking "what is this about????" C'mon, you're a grown woman you know exactly what this is about. You bought a new dress just for this occasion and I'm sure you are getting exactly what you wanted which was attention and more love bombing from him. I wish OW would drop the innocent act because it's ridiculous; this is 2019 for goodness sake. You say you two were texting and chatting for 3 years and you didn't know about a wife because he never talked about her. Why didn't you ask if he was married? BTW, a separated man is still a MM. While he was having sex with you he was still romancing his wife and you have no idea what he has told her about you that makes her violent towards you. I just hope she wises up and realizes he isn't worth picking up in the street and let's you have him.

[pepperbird]

People like him are emotionally stunted. He can't see anything wrong with what he did, as it suited him. He had things to do, places to go, people to see, and it wasn't convenient for him to come and help you.

 

Now that same stunted emotional growth is making him suddenly want what he can't have, and he doesn't understand why. His needs should come first ( in is mind at least) and since you didn't fall in line, he doesn't know what to do.