Why is this so hard to survive?

[heartwhole2]

It's about him wanting to keep you as an option for side fun. He obviously didn't put in enough effort before and now he's losing you, so he'll put in a little more effort until he feels you're securely devoted to him again. Then he'll go right back to being a terrible friend and boyfriend.

[pepperbird]

OP,

i would advise you to create a "go to" plan for dealing with this guy. Something you can immediately implement without even having to think about it.

[ExhaustedOW]

You're asking "what is this about????" C'mon, you're a grown woman you know exactly what this is about. You bought a new dress just for this occasion and I'm sure you are getting exactly what you wanted which was attention and more love bombing from him. I wish OW would drop the innocent act because it's ridiculous; this is 2019 for goodness sake. You say you two were texting and chatting for 3 years and you didn't know about a wife because he never talked about her. Why didn't you ask if he was married? BTW, a separated man is still a MM. While he was having sex with you he was still romancing his wife and you have no idea what he has told her about you that makes her violent towards you. I just hope she wises up and realizes he isn't worth picking up in the street and let's you have him.

 

didn't wear the dress but point taken. admitting to the desire for attention back after being effectively dumped on the side of the road was embarrassing. i believe i referred to it as pathetic & sick. feel about me what you like, but i'm more at ease now having turned the tables & with the power to ignore him while he begs & pleads for a reply. shallow perhaps, but i'll take it.

[ExhaustedOW]

People like him are emotionally stunted. He can't see anything wrong with what he did, as it suited him. He had things to do, places to go, people to see, and it wasn't convenient for him to come and help you.

 

Now that same stunted emotional growth is making him suddenly want what he can't have, and he doesn't understand why. His needs should come first ( in is mind at least) and since you didn't fall in line, he doesn't know what to do.

 

makes sense. 2 sides of the same coin. i'm done & he'll receive nothing more from me. shouldn't be long before he packs up his lunchbox and moves along.

[ExhaustedOW]

OP,

i would advise you to create a "go to" plan for dealing with this guy. Something you can immediately implement without even having to think about it.

 

my problem is work. quitting is most likely my best move. and that really sux. i like my job.

[ExhaustedOW]

It's about him wanting to keep you as an option for side fun. He obviously didn't put in enough effort before and now he's losing you, so he'll put in a little more effort until he feels you're securely devoted to him again. Then he'll go right back to being a terrible friend and boyfriend.

 

yep. i agree. i will not let him back in no matter what he texts or calls to say.

[heartwhole2]

my problem is work. quitting is most likely my best move. and that really sux. i like my job.

 

I'm proud of you for admitting this. It does suck to have to uproot your life like that, but there's always the risk when you date coworkers (married or not) that there will be a messy break-up.

[ExhaustedOW]

I'm proud of you for admitting this. It does suck to have to uproot your life like that, but there's always the risk when you date coworkers (married or not) that there will be a messy break-up.

 

you are right. i got myself into this mess. regardless of whether or not he is more to blame than i, which imo he is. but still, i'm a grown woman. i never for a day accepted being a side chick. manipulated into itm but never knowingly participated in being in that role. i will not now. and despite the assault, stalking, etc. i accept her pain is in part due to my falling for his crap. it's not easy. like others in these situations, i genuinely did care for him. and walking away, even with all the ugliness is not easy. but i will walk. and for my own sanity, it's probably best that i create a life where seeing him is not a weekly event. the support of those of you who have offered advice will remain a help to me as I move on. you all know it's tangled & tough.

[ExhaustedOW]

A little shaky today... It's Sunday morning. i've continued to maintain NC since i exited his car on Friday. His calls & texts on Friday were relentless but i felt strong about NC and made it through. Yesterday began with "good morning" texts. Quieted down and started back up early evening with lots of "i love you", Gif of hearts dancing around, "thinking of you", "you're my world"... I was still feeling strong. Went to dinner w/ a friend. 11:15 he started texting again: "Hi bae" "Bae u there??" "Bae please answer me my love... i miss you" "Bae please answer me PLEASE!" "say something". these kept coming until about midnight. sharing here b/c i started to feel the pull. i didn't reply and this morning has been quiet, but i'm feeling anxious again. any advice or thoughts appreciated.

[FMW]

Keep remembering how you felt for the week he was completely silent. Keep remembering the complete lack of care and respect that revealed. He's only responsive and reaching out when it suits his purposes. When you needed him he was nowhere to be found.

 

Refocus your thoughts back to that when you start feeling weak.

[ExhaustedOW]

Keep remembering how you felt for the week he was completely silent. Keep remembering the complete lack of care and respect that revealed. He's only responsive and reaching out when it suits his purposes. When you needed him he was nowhere to be found.

 

Refocus your thoughts back to that when you start feeling weak.

 

Thank you. I will continue to think back to the way the he made me feel. Why do you think it's difficult for so many of us to move on when we've been mistreated to the extreme by these MM? I've read often that we put up w/ abuse we'd never accept from a single man, but why?

[FMW]

I wish I knew the answer to that question! I've spent many hours trying to psychoanalyze myself but never have come up with a good answer. So short of having that answer, all we can do is be aware of our weaknesses, regardless of where they came from, and be on guard to not give in to them again.

 

I just know that I've wasted far too much time trying to recover and I never want to be in that situation again.

[anika99]

you are right. i got myself into this mess. regardless of whether or not he is more to blame than i, which imo he is. but still, i'm a grown woman. i never for a day accepted being a side chick. manipulated into itm but never knowingly participated in being in that role. i will not now. and despite the assault, stalking, etc. i accept her pain is in part due to my falling for his crap. it's not easy. like others in these situations, i genuinely did care for him. and walking away, even with all the ugliness is not easy. but i will walk. and for my own sanity, it's probably best that i create a life where seeing him is not a weekly event. the support of those of you who have offered advice will remain a help to me as I move on. you all know it's tangled & tough.

 

Well to be fair you knowingly accepted and participated in the role of OW the moment you found out he was still messing with his wife, taking her to hotels and even moved back in with her for a bit.

 

You may feel anxious when he texts you but be prepared to feel worse when he stops giving you any attention at all. You have become addicted to the drama he brings. I'm not saying you enjoy the drama, just that your brain has become accustomed to the emotional turmoil and the extreme highs and lows. It's your new normal and when everything goes silent, when he finds a new woman to love bomb, when his wife leaves you alone for good, when all this crazy really ends and you are no longer getting any attention, normal life is going to feel quite dull and bleak. Your brain is going to desperately crave a hit of drama and emotional excitement, good or bad, and that's when it's going to become really painful and difficult.

 

You might want to get a therapist to help you get through the tough days that are coming.

[heartwhole2]

I find his chipper texts full of emojis and such to be really . . . creepy. He KNOWS you are upset with him. He KNOWS you broke up with him.

 

If he was a normal, mature person, he would have texted you a single time to say, "I understand your feelings, but I would love the chance to make it up to you. Let me know if we can talk some time." He wouldn't just pretend you never ended things or pretend you're not mad. It's not a healthy or mature way to respond to your "bae" being done because of your poor treatment of her.

 

Don't let him suck you in. He's being a total dick by ignoring all your concerns and complaints and acting like if he's sweet for long enough then you'll just shut up and get back in your place.

[pepperbird]

This is just a thought...

 

 

I would take some time to write out a "goodbye, leave me alone and eff off" letter. Be polite but firm and do not explain why you made the decision, because he really doesn't care.

 

I would sign it off with "please, leave me alone. I am not interested in any sort of relationship with you. It's too painful. If you love me, you'll respect my wishes and want me to stop hurting. Being with you is hurting me, so if you love me, you;ll let me go and respect my request to be left alone".

 

If he ignores this, you'll know how little he cares. If he is respectful of your wishes, you'll at least be free from his pestering.

[ExhaustedOW]

I find his chipper texts full of emojis and such to be really . . . creepy. He KNOWS you are upset with him. He KNOWS you broke up with him.

 

If he was a normal, mature person, he would have texted you a single time to say, "I understand your feelings, but I would love the chance to make it up to you. Let me know if we can talk some time." He wouldn't just pretend you never ended things or pretend you're not mad. It's not a healthy or mature way to respond to your "bae" being done because of your poor treatment of her.

 

Don't let him suck you in. He's being a total dick by ignoring all your concerns and complaints and acting like if he's sweet for long enough then you'll just shut up and get back in your place.

 

Pepperbird made a comment earlier in this thread that he demonstrated stunted emotional growth. that is what drove him to blow me off when I wrecked my car. it wasn't at his convenience to help me out at that moment. And that the same stunted emotional growth is what drives him now to text me love notes and express frustration that he's not being answered at the time he wants in the way he wants. i think that makes sense. or he's just a self absorbed jerk. probably both.

[ExhaustedOW]

This is just a thought...

 

 

I would take some time to write out a "goodbye, leave me alone and eff off" letter. Be polite but firm and do not explain why you made the decision, because he really doesn't care.

 

I would sign it off with "please, leave me alone. I am not interested in any sort of relationship with you. It's too painful. If you love me, you'll respect my wishes and want me to stop hurting. Being with you is hurting me, so if you love me, you;ll let me go and respect my request to be left alone".

 

If he ignores this, you'll know how little he cares. If he is respectful of your wishes, you'll at least be free from his pestering.

 

oh, i hear you, but i'll pass. it's redundant & i won't give him the satisfaction of thinking this is "too painful" for me. no. i plan to continue NC & make it apparent to him that i moved on with ease to better things.

[ExhaustedOW]

Seems like an eternity since Friday's meeting. Adhering to NC is being challenged now that it's Monday & work matters arise. Sunday was quieter than Friday & Saturday but late last night the texting & calling started:

 

hi how r u

hello

hi

are you sleeping?

are you sleeping bae?

i'm thinking of you

are you ok?

did i wake you up?

GIF of You Are On My Mind flashing

Bae are you sleeping

Bae

You never told me what happened on Friday

Bae did you go to sleep?

Can you talk?

Bae have a good nite. if you feel ilke it, text me back please

Can i go over?

?

??

 

This morning we have a Video conference call for work. first thing:

Good Morning

Hi

hi

Bae why don't you want to reply back

Can you please say something?

?? Ok bae i'm not going to bother you anymore

It was nice hearing your voice (from our conference call)

GIF of tweety bird with Thinking of You and hearts flashing

Hi Sweethear

Can i ask you something?

Can I ask you something?

Why don't you answer me?

You dont' want me to text you? i called you last night

??

Bae

how was you late morning call?

Do you have a copy of the agenda from last monday?

Do you have to visit accounts today?

Do you have to visit accounts today

My love

i miss you

Can you answer me please

I will check on you later. i love you.

GIF of a teddy bear jumping our of a sack of hearts w/ "I Love You"

 

I've not answered. it's so bizarre that he doesn't address what has actually happened. i don't understand the approach at all. do any of you?

[heartwhole2]

He's not an emotionally mature person. He thinks he can be ****ty and then sweet it under the rug. As long as he's super nice to "make up for it" things will be OK, right? He shouldn't have to be a mature, empathetic person who can listen to his "bae's" concerns, right? Nah.

 

He doesn't care about you or your feelings. He cares about you being there for HIM. I really wonder if he has any empathy at all.

[Beentheretoooften]

Hi. My first post, very nervous. I’ve been lurking around for a few months and have wanted to register but just haven’t. I don’t know if I could ever post my story, but it is similar to a lot on here that I read. In this situation, the MM is taking too unfair of a beating. I understand how it all works, but does anyone think for one second that he could actually love her? At the same time love his wife and at the same time love his children? Obviously any form of cheating is wrong, I get that, but it’s possible that things just happen, even though you don’t want it to. There are so many circumstances that go into an affair, just to blame the MM, is not the answer. It’s incredibly hard for both parties. Guilt, grief etc. she needs to move on, everyone agrees, but it’s just so so hard. The comfort is so nice. I hope as a first post this was ok. I’m not taking sides, but wanted to just point out that it is almost just as difficult for MM As well.

[heartwhole2]

Hi. My first post, very nervous. I’ve been lurking around for a few months and have wanted to register but just haven’t. I don’t know if I could ever post my story, but it is similar to a lot on here that I read. In this situation, the MM is taking too unfair of a beating. I understand how it all works, but does anyone think for one second that he could actually love her? At the same time love his wife and at the same time love his children? Obviously any form of cheating is wrong, I get that, but it’s possible that things just happen, even though you don’t want it to. There are so many circumstances that go into an affair, just to blame the MM, is not the answer. It’s incredibly hard for both parties. Guilt, grief etc. she needs to move on, everyone agrees, but it’s just so so hard. The comfort is so nice. I hope as a first post this was ok. I’m not taking sides, but wanted to just point out that it is almost just as difficult for MM As well.

 

Are you saying that because it's hard for the MM too and because he loves the OW, therefore leaving her on the side of the road and ignoring her anger and request for NC is OK?

[Beentheretoooften]

Are you saying that because it's hard for the MM too and because he loves the OW, therefore leaving her on the side of the road and ignoring her anger and request for NC is OK?

 

If it came out that way, that was not my point. My opinion, and is what happened to me, when OW, wants to be through, the MM absolutely has to respect her wishes. I believe this 100%. But to blanket these MM’s and say they are all the same, almost bottom of the earth, I think is too harsh. Everyone is human, everyone makes mistakes. You have to be able to forgive yourself. As long as AP’s are honest with each other before it starts, full disclosure , then IMO , it’s 50/50 blame.

[heartwhole2]

If it came out that way, that was not my point. My opinion, and is what happened to me, when OW, wants to be through, the MM absolutely has to respect her wishes. I believe this 100%. But to blanket these MM’s and say they are all the same, almost bottom of the earth, I think is too harsh. Everyone is human, everyone makes mistakes. You have to be able to forgive yourself. As long as AP’s are honest with each other before it starts, full disclosure , then IMO , it’s 50/50 blame.

 

She told him she was through and now she has received countless calls and texts. Are you saying he's not respecting her wishes because . . . he knows her wishes better than she does?

[Beentheretoooften]

She told him she was through and now she has received countless calls and texts. Are you saying he's not respecting her wishes because . . . he knows her wishes better than she does?

 

My apologies. Here my nerves have gotten the better of me. I had read so many threads. I am with you on this. He needs to leave her alone.

My original post was meant for the thread started by abandoned2018. Of course my first post I mess up. So now what do I do? Can I post that original message there? Or do I just call it a day. I’m so very sorry for doing that. Any ideas on how I should handle the mistake? Sorry to exhaustedOW

[FMW]

Beentheretoooften, I think your last post takes care of it on this thread. You're not the first - or last! - to accidentally post in the wrong thread.

 

If you want to post the same thing in another thread I think you can just cut and paste.