simon_uk Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Hi Hope I can get some advice So I have been with my partner for about a year and 4 months. I am 50 she is 45. I have never had children nor have I ever been involved with somebody who has. My partner has two beautiful children of 11 and 13. I adore them and they are very fond of me. My partner was with the children’s father for over 20 years but never married. He is a classic narcissistic and emotionally abused my partner and his son, never anything physical but it clearly affected both of them. He still sees the kids once mid week and once night every other weekend. There is a an obvious strained relationship between father and son. My partner still has a lot of financial ties to her ex in the form of properties including the house she lives in with the children. This will obviously be a factor for us in the future but we are trying not to let that upset the relationship just yet as us living together is not an option just yet as it doesn’t seem like the right time for the kids. We haven’t discussed it with the kids but we think more time is required. We love each other very much and we were single we are both pretty certain we would have taken that step. So I haven’t really asked a question as yet but what bother me about the relationship is the over familiarity of the ex in terms of him entering my partners house as and when he pleases. I appreciate that when he comes to pick the kids up then the kids may invite him in, heck my partner might invite him in and that’s fine if he is invited but more often than not he will just invite himself in. I should add that me and the kids father have never met. This morning was a classic example and somewhat awkward. I had stayed over at my partners as she had been away with friends. The kids were at dads and not due back until this evening. Unfortunately the daughter had left something she needed at home so dad had to bring her back to collect it before school. We were in bed when they arrived and the dad can in along with daughter. I don’t know if he knew I was there or not but I could hear him. Downstairs in the lounge. They stayed maybe 10 minutes and then left. Similarly I have been at my partners when dad has been coming to collect the kids and i have had to leave the house until he had been and gone. I wasn’t very happy about this but what’s the alternative? Stay and make the situation awkward for the kids? It is the kids who are most important. The last thing I want to do is upset the kids or fall out with my partner but I don’t know if she has enough boundaries in place with him and if i am being fair by expressing my dislike for the whole situation. My partner does say things are moving in the right direction and sometimes I agree but other times I feel like I am the third person in the relationship. There was a time last year when my partner went away for the weekend and dad was supposed to pick the kids up and take them back to his house but decided he wasn’t going to take them home but stay at my partners house for the weekend. This obviously didn’t sit too well with my partner but even less so with me. Any advice would be appreciated and please understand that as much as this really bothers me, I am more concerned about the children’s feelings. As a side note I think my partner still feels somewhat controlled by ex after 20 years of narcissistic behaviour. She says she isn’t scared of him physically but I still think there is emotional scarring and a fear of upsetting him. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 18, 2019 Share Posted June 18, 2019 Any advice would be appreciated and please understand that as much as this really bothers me, I am more concerned about the children’s feelings. The problem is more with your expectations than his conduct. You're involved with a woman with young children coming out of a decades-long relationship with their father. Guess what? There's going to be strings, ties, conditions, history and awkward circumstances to deal with - and that's before you get to child custody issues. My partner still has a lot of financial ties to her ex in the form of properties including the house she lives in with the children. So he owns the house? Of course he feels justifies entering, it's his house. And if that access was contrary to any agreement, it's up to your partner to make her feelings known. What you're describing simply comes with the territory. If you find it unmanageable, look for a partner with less encumbrances, children and ex's included... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 He owns the house & to a large extent he is the children's guest. He will always be there. Some people would say him staying at the house to take care of the children is a good thing less disruptive for them. Especially if it was during the school year & he lives outside of the school district he actually did the right thing. You need to find a way to make peace with his existence. Does your partner have the ability & desire to sell the house & get something new without your assistance? That may solve some of the issues because then the EX couldn't say boo about your presence & you wouldn't have to hide For now, now going for the confrontation is your best bet Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Yeah and apart from above stuff , there's a very big plus for the kids in the way the parents do things, because it's almost in a just natural come and go way and the more things can still be as natural as possible for the kids the better and easier their family breaking up and the rest of their childhood is for them in all this. lt's their house and they have 20yrs behind them and 2 kids to raise like this as best and as comfortably as they can for the kids. Where as you've only been on the scene 14mths did you say , you don't even know yet whether that's gonna last let alone possibly have anything even close to what the family have in all this. This stuff is hard enough for a family to work out as it is and l also think it's actually good your not around when he comes and goes. As it's only gonna make things uncomfortable for the kids. How long have you been around the kids btw, personally l also think it's actually still a bit soon for that myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 How come you have not met this man after 1 year and 4 months? I think it would be healthier for the children to see their dad and mom's bf interact together in a civil manner. How can this hiding from dad be protecting the children in any way? This man is aware of your existence and the children must speak of you when they visit him. As for him entering their house as if it's a windmill I disagree. Whether it's his house or not he is entering a private space and he should announce himself. Your partner should clear that out with him. Why after so long their finance isn't separate yet? That house should be up for sale or one buys the other out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author simon_uk Posted June 19, 2019 Author Share Posted June 19, 2019 Just answering a few questions in no particular order. Yes we have been together for about 16 months. We are both quite certain we have a future together. I have known the kids for just over a year. Somebody mentioned that they think it’s too soon for me to be in the kids lives but my partner wanted them to meet me before we went on a little weekend break together at around the 3 month mark. The kids are very fond of me as I am of them but we do both put the kids thoughts and feelings first. The kids have mentioned me to their dad and he asked them if I was moving in. That wasn’t really fair of him and it certainly isn’t on the cards for us but he should really ask my partner if he has questions like that. My partner doesn’t want to have to tell him not to come into the house as she wants to keep a civil co-parenting relationship, she also doesn’t want to tell the kids that their dad can no longer come in the house. i understand that completely. Not sure I agree about the keeping it civil but that’s her choice. I would just think the ex might have a bit more respect for my partners home and the fact that she is in a relationship. With regards the house, they have a number of properties between them and all the finances are tied up in them including the house he lives in. However my partner doesn’t just walk into house unannounced as it’s his house, just because they jointly purchased it doesn’t give her the right to just walk in. Perhaps he sees it differently with regards to her house because they once shared it and the kids live there. Who knows. I just don’t like it. With regards decisions about parenting and the kids I have absolutely nothing to do with it. It is none of my business and I do not interfere. Anyhow thanks for all the advice . I will take it all on board. Apologies for any poor grammar and spelling, I am on my phone. Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 With regards the house, they have a number of properties between them and all the finances are tied up in them including the house he lives in. Sounds like he has poor boundaries. Is there a plan in place to untie the finances eventually? Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 All that might just work out better to be left or maybe they still use the situation to an advantage, if they own a few properties , my ex and l did for a long time. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 20, 2019 Share Posted June 20, 2019 My partner doesn’t want to have to tell him not to come into the house as she wants to keep a civil co-parenting relationship, she also doesn’t want to tell the kids that their dad can no longer come in the house. i understand that completely. Not sure I agree about the keeping it civil but that’s her choice. I would just think the ex might have a bit more respect for my partners home and the fact that she is in a relationship. So you want him to figure out on his own conditions your GF has no interest in imposing? simon, if you have any beef, it's with your GF who should be the one to set appropriate boundaries. Your angst seems misdirected... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
noelle303 Posted June 20, 2019 Share Posted June 20, 2019 I know this has already been asked, but I didn't see a reply. Have you thought about officially meeting the dad? I think that probably make things less uncomfortable when he's picking up the kids and you wouldn't have to hide? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 20, 2019 Share Posted June 20, 2019 He and his ex wife are co-parenting. They are meanwhile working out what is best for the kids. As he owns the house and your gf has not stipulated any rules, then he is coming and going as he pleases in order to be a good Dad to his kids I emphasise HIS kids, as that is what they are, and always will be. His house, his territory too. Maybe you had images of this being YOUR perfect family, the family you missed out on, and that the "dreadful" father would bow out, leaving you with his ex and the kids. That I guess is not going to happen here. You all need to work hard to get along for the sake of the kids. Your gf needs to sit down and tell him all about you and work out some ground rules. If she is not going to do that, then you perhaps need to walk away, else hiding for years in closets or sneaking out the back door is going to be your fate. I guess the plan between the two of them is to keep things as they are as regards the house - joint ownership, stable base for the kids, so you need to factor that in to any future plans you may have. I know you think of the dad as a narcissistic beast but try not to become too biased. Father- son relationships are often strained as kids grow up, so getting too involved may be to your detriment long term. Better to be the constant fair voice of reason rather than go on a crusade and then find the kid hates you for demonising his father... Link to post Share on other sites
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