Am I Messing Up?

[BrennaR]

I am going to keep this brief and to one occasion. I find that my bf is very controlling and wants to be right all the time. It doesn't really bother me much, because most of the time he is right; but there are occasions it really annoys me, and I don't know how to handle it without an argument and us not speaking to each other for days (or him not speaking to me rather, I come around much faster).

 

Yesterday we went to play tennis, something I enjoy doing, but am terrible and pretty much a complete novice and he is more advanced. I've warned him. He proceeds to teach and correct me to a point where it's no longer helpful and I am not learning and not enjoying it anymore. I tell him this and he gets really offended. Basically bringing up skiing and other sports and how it's going to be if I can't take instruction. Granted I am not the world's most secure person, but I do take instructions, when someone takes the time to teach me, but yesterday I just wasn't in the mood.

 

He is pissed and not speaking to me and I really don't know what to do. I think most of our conflicts are regularly blown out of proportion and I feel like I am not to blame, and he insists that I am. In a way I feel he gaslights me and shifts blame, but I feel like the issues are so minor that he shouldn't feel the need. How do I appease someone like that? How do I end these conflicts?

[SpiceCat]

How do you end them? You stop rug sweeping and face the fact that these problems are not nearly as minor as you make them out to be.

 

But if you won't do that, then at least admit that there's obviously a conflict of interest when he's trying to teach you anything..so either stop forcing yourself to be interested in his hobbies, or take lessons from someone other than him.

[BrennaR]

How do you end them? You stop rug sweeping and face the fact that these problems are not nearly as minor as you make them out to be.

 

But if you won't do that, then at least admit that there's obviously a conflict of interest when he's trying to teach you anything..so either stop forcing yourself to be interested in his hobbies, or take lessons from someone other than him.

 

Thank you for your message. These are my hobbies, too. I am a novice, yet the few times I have played in my life, I have very much enjoyed playing. I understand, when you say that it's rug sweeping, because you are right, these problems are major, if they cause this much distress to both of us, it seems. I agree that I am better off taking lessons from others, but he seems to really want to teach me and spend time correcting me. Anyway, I like your advice of taking lessons from someone else.

[BaileyB]

I knew my boyfriend was a “keeper” on our third date. It was our first “real date,” and we went to a board game cafe because - he LOVES board games (my suggestion). I am a TOTAL novice - like, I’ve only ever played Guess Who, Connect Four, and Monopoly... He loves European board games because of the strategy... needless to say, we were on different playing fields...

 

I knew that he was a keeper because he was so kind, very patient, and really considerate of my feelings. He picked a game he thought I would enjoy. He took the time to teach me and he answered all of my questions. When he won, he didn’t gloat. My participation and enjoyment was as important as anything else that night... and it still is to this day when we try a new game. He patiently explains the rules and helps me to develop a strategy... although, he does gloat sometimes when he wins now.

 

That was the date that I fell in love with him.

 

To me, this was a metaphor for who he was as a person and what kind of a partnership we would share. It showed me his character as a person, it showed me how much he valued me as a person and as a partner, and it showed me how he dealt with stress...

 

No seriously, I still see these traits today. He is not perfect (not am I), but I had a sick puppy today and he came to check on her when asked. He was concerned for her so he decided to stay with her until I got home. And, he volunteered to come with me to the vet because he didn’t want me to be alone if the news was bad. Kind, considerate, loving, patient...

 

When you play sports with your man, what do you see of his character, how he handles stress, and how he resolves conflict? Is your participation and your enjoyment important to him? Is he kind and patient? Does he value your happiness? Does he allow you to keep your dignity if you make a mistake or if you lose?

 

These are the questions to ask yourself when deciding if you are going to stay with this guy. Is he a keeper? Or, should you throw this fish back in the sea?

Edited June 19, 2019 by BaileyB

[Mr. Lucky]

Yesterday we went to play tennis, something I enjoy doing, but am terrible and pretty much a complete novice and he is more advanced. I've warned him. He proceeds to teach and correct me to a point where it's no longer helpful and I am not learning and not enjoying it anymore. I tell him this and he gets really offended. Basically bringing up skiing and other sports and how it's going to be if I can't take instruction. Granted I am not the world's most secure person, but I do take instructions, when someone takes the time to teach me, but yesterday I just wasn't in the mood.

 

Boy, are his instincts off. There's three things you never teach your GF to do - how to play tennis, how to ski and how to drive a stick. Ask me how I know .

 

I play tennis competitively and also with family members, my wife included. Unlike your BF, I use my "advanced" skills to return their shots with an easy-to-hit, medium paced and waist-high ball down the center of the court. Even a novice can easily hit that back, with longer rallies and fun points the result. Contrast that with hitting you harder shots and then "instructing" you on your return technique.

 

Honestly, he doesn't sound like much fun, on or off the court...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Crazelnut]

Why is the question, "Am I messing up?" The question should be, "Why is he being a douchebag?"

[BrennaR]

I knew my boyfriend was a “keeper” on our third date. It was our first “real date,” and we went to a board game cafe because - he LOVES board games (my suggestion). I am a TOTAL novice - like, I’ve only ever played Guess Who, Connect Four, and Monopoly... He loves European board games because of the strategy... needless to say, we were on different playing fields...

 

I knew that he was a keeper because he was so kind, very patient, and really considerate of my feelings. He picked a game he thought I would enjoy. He took the time to teach me and he answered all of my questions. When he won, he didn’t gloat. My participation and enjoyment was as important as anything else that night... and it still is to this day when we try a new game. He patiently explains the rules and helps me to develop a strategy... although, he does gloat sometimes when he wins now.

 

That was the date that I fell in love with him.

 

To me, this was a metaphor for who he was as a person and what kind of a partnership we would share. It showed me his character as a person, it showed me how much he valued me as a person and as a partner, and it showed me how he dealt with stress...

 

No seriously, I still see these traits today. He is not perfect (not am I), but I had a sick puppy today and he came to check on her when asked. He was concerned for her so he decided to stay with her until I got home. And, he volunteered to come with me to the vet because he didn’t want me to be alone if the news was bad. Kind, considerate, loving, patient...

 

When you play sports with your man, what do you see of his character, how he handles stress, and how he resolves conflict? Is your participation and your enjoyment important to him? Is he kind and patient? Does he value your happiness? Does he allow you to keep your dignity if you make a mistake or if you lose?

 

These are the questions to ask yourself when deciding if you are going to stay with this guy. Is he a keeper? Or, should you throw this fish back in the sea?

 

Aww, your guy sounds like a keeper! Awesome, sweet story, thank you for sharing! I guess some people are not natural teachers, or considerate teachers.

[BrennaR]

Boy, are his instincts off. There's three things you never teach your GF to do - how to play tennis, how to ski and how to drive a stick. Ask me how I know .

 

I play tennis competitively and also with family members, my wife included. Unlike your BF, I use my "advanced" skills to return their shots with an easy-to-hit, medium paced and waist-high ball down the center of the court. Even a novice can easily hit that back, with longer rallies and fun points the result. Contrast that with hitting you harder shots and then "instructing" you on your return technique.

 

Honestly, he doesn't sound like much fun, on or off the court...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Hahaha, this is gold! This made me smile and not take the whole thing so seriously! He should have stopped teaching me the minute I expressed that I didn't have fun anymore, instead of kept drilling. He has since acknowledged that:)

[BrennaR]

Why is the question, "Am I messing up?" The question should be, "Why is he being a douchebag?"

 

Thank you! I sometimes think he has some Aspergers tendencies, he is extremely stubborn and has real problem with listening in the moment, but he comes around eventually. Hence we are still together. But yes, I would like to be able to stop this before it escalates and I am never successful there.

[SpiceCat]

Thank you for your message. These are my hobbies, too. I am a novice, yet the few times I have played in my life, I have very much enjoyed playing. I understand, when you say that it's rug sweeping, because you are right, these problems are major, if they cause this much distress to both of us, it seems. I agree that I am better off taking lessons from others, but he seems to really want to teach me and spend time correcting me. Anyway, I like your advice of taking lessons from someone else.

 

Brenna you seem very sweet. Is the rest of your relationship ok outside of all this? If you say it is, I'll take your word for it. It's hard to get a true picture of someone else's relationship when you don't know them and cannot see it for yourself.

[BrennaR]

Brenna you seem very sweet. Is the rest of your relationship ok outside of all this? If you say it is, I'll take your word for it. It's hard to get a true picture of someone else's relationship when you don't know them and cannot see it for yourself.

 

Thank you for your message and kinds words. We are really good around other people, family, friends, we really are a team; but there are these occasions, where it is just the two of us it gets out of hand and I can't seem to de-escalate it. It seems like these are the episodes that I least like in our relationship, and I sometimes think that he manufactures them to have the conflict and to break/ take space. It is extremely hurtful in the moment, but I've grown to recognize these moments and to disengage more or less, but, yes, there is a pattern there that I am not crazy about. It's funny, because if we have an event to go to with family and friends, he immediately straightens himself out like nothing happened and we talk and we are happy, but if it's the two of us, he could sulk for a couple days, and we would both be miserable.

[BaileyB]

There are these occasions, where it is just the two of us it gets out of hand and I can't seem to de-escalate it. It is extremely hurtful in the moment, but I've grown to recognize these moments and to disengage more or less, but, yes, there is a pattern there that I am not crazy about. It's funny, because if we have an event to go to with family and friends, he immediately straightens himself out like nothing happened and we talk and we are happy, but if it's the two of us, he could sulk for a couple days, and we would both be miserable.

 

Brenna, you seem very sweet and perhaps, too forgiving.

 

There are those who would say that the silent treatment is a form of emotional manipulation. I tend to agree. He has a choice in these moments - and rather than act like a mature adult he chooses to act like a child, he lets his emotions get the better of him, and he chooses not to communicate and resolve conflict with you in a mature and respectful way. Sure, the tennis court is one activity and one moment in time... but, if this is a frequent occurrence in your relationship, you really need to consider that this may not be the partner for you.

 

My grandmother used to use the silent treatment as a form of emotional manipulation. It doesn’t make for a very happy or healthy relationship. The simple truth is - healthy relationships do not have a lot of conflict. And, mature and respectful people do not behave this way.

 

Please, don’t take this on yourself... If he becomes upset for whatever reason and he can not manage his own emotions, taking them out on you, that’s on him. There is a big difference between taking some time to calm and collect yourself before returning to resolve a conflict and sulking and giving your partner the silent treatment for days... especially when the perceived “slight” is something as silly and unimportant as not taking instruction well when playing tennis. Do you hear what I’m saying, a good man would want you to be happy and successful (as in, Mr Lucky serves an easy ball for his wife to hit). A mature man would know that what happens on the court, stays on the court. He wouldn’t escalate to the point that you feel it’s your fault he is upset and your problem to solve...

Edited June 19, 2019 by BaileyB

[BrennaR]

Brenna, you seem very sweet and perhaps, too forgiving.

 

There are those who would say that the silent treatment is a form of emotional manipulation. I tend to agree. He has a choice in these moments - and rather than act like a mature adult he chooses to act like a child, he lets his emotions get the better of him, and he chooses not to communicate and resolve conflict with you in a mature and respectful way. Sure, the tennis court is one activity and one moment in time... but, if this is a frequent occurrence in your relationship, you really need to consider that this may not be the partner for you.

 

My grandmother used to use the silent treatment as a form of emotional manipulation. It doesn’t make for a very happy or healthy relationship. The simple truth is - healthy relationships do not have a lot of conflict. And, mature and respectful people do not behave this way.

 

Please, don’t take this on yourself... If he becomes upset for whatever reason and he can not manage his own emotions, taking them out on you, that’s on him. There is a big difference between taking some time to calm and collect yourself before returning to resolve a conflict and sulking and giving your partner the silent treatment for days... especially when the perceived “slight” is something as silly and unimportant as not taking instruction well when playing tennis. Do you hear what I’m saying, a good man would want you to be happy and successful (as in, Mr Lucky serves an easy ball for his wife to hit). A mature man would know that what happens on the court, stays on the court. He wouldn’t escalate to the point that you feel it’s your fault he is upset and your problem to solve...

 

I hear you; I've expressed that the silent treatment is hurtful and he maintains that he is giving me space/ time, while it's really him feeling angry/ resentful of me and punishing me. I think there is a fair amount of blame shifting in our relationship that if I don't reject the responsibility for it, ends up on my proverbial emotional shoulders. But in life in general I tend to take on too much responsibility that isn't mine to take, and I think part of this situation is that if I want our relationship to be happy I need to care/ be responsible less and he will come around eventually seeing that I am happy and don't care. Obviously living together and in close quarters these things are harder, but I do find, and have actually tested that if I say went to play tennis with someone else, the silent treatment would immediately seize:)

[vla1120]

I find that my bf is very controlling and wants to be right all the time. It doesn't really bother me much, because most of the time he is right;......

 

In a way I feel he gaslights me and shifts blame, but I feel like the issues are so minor that he shouldn't feel the need. How do I appease someone like that? How do I end these conflicts?

 

Oh my. When I read this, the sirens in my head started going off - red flags galore!! I might have felt this same way with my "boyfriend" before we got married almost 5 years ago (after having known each other for about 8 months). He was always very controlling, always right, and would gaslight me and shift blame - but I always felt I was strong enough to deal with it because I'm very "go with the flow."

 

Five years later, I barely got out with my sanity. I'm still very involved with him as his main caretaker because he has terminal cancer (and his own son won't have anything to do with him), but I have to be very cognizant of keeping my boundaries intact.

 

I don't know how long you have been involved with your boyfriend, but please tread carefully. If you are early in your relationship, it's likely his controlling behavior, always being right, and gaslighting you will only amplify as time goes on (based on my experience, anyways.)

[vla1120]

Did I say "very" enough in that post above? The more "very's" I use, the more I'm trying to get my point across.:lmao:

[BrennaR]

Oh my. When I read this, the sirens in my head started going off - red flags galore!! I might have felt this same way with my "boyfriend" before we got married almost 5 years ago (after having known each other for about 8 months). He was always very controlling, always right, and would gaslight me and shift blame - but I always felt I was strong enough to deal with it because I'm very "go with the flow."

 

Five years later, I barely got out with my sanity. I'm still very involved with him as his main caretaker because he has terminal cancer (and his own son won't have anything to do with him), but I have to be very cognizant of keeping my boundaries intact.

 

I don't know how long you have been involved with your boyfriend, but please tread carefully. If you are early in your relationship, it's likely his controlling behavior, always being right, and gaslighting you will only amplify as time goes on (based on my experience, anyways.)

 

Thank you for your message! We are in a relationship a little over a year. This behaviour first started within a month or so of us dating. The first time it happened it felt like a cold shower. I didn't want to believe it, but over time I've grown to recognize it and it's now familiar. We have had these similar conflicts on average once every two weeks. I hear what you're saying. It's not pleasant, but if I ignore it, it does seem to go away quicker that way.

Good on you for helping your husband through a difficult time, I think especially since he was not good to you, it's admirable. I remember my mom tending to my father at his death bed. He cheated on her, yet she was the only person there in the end. I will never forget her generosity.

[BaileyB]

if I want our relationship to be happy I need to care/ be responsible less and he will come around eventually seeing that I am happy and don't care.

 

Or, the behaviour will escalate as he tries to control the situation more.

 

What we are all saying is... you shouldn’t have to do this. The “happiness” in your relationship shouldn’t come from a place where you accommodate to his every bad mood. Relationships have their little conflicts, sure, but this kind of behaviour speaks of a man who lacks maturity and emotional control, doesn’t take responsibility for his part in a relationship, and has poor communication and coping skills. Be very careful here.

[BrennaR]

Or, the behaviour will escalate as he tries to control the situation more.

 

What we are all saying is... you shouldn’t have to do this. The “happiness” in your relationship shouldn’t come from a place where you accommodate to his every bad mood. Relationships have their little conflicts, sure, but this kind of behaviour speaks of a man who lacks maturity and emotional control, doesn’t take responsibility for his part in a relationship, and has poor communication and coping skills. Be very careful here.

 

Understood! I've suggested counselling, but we have reverted to talks just between the two of us, which have given me insight of why he is the way he is (family dynamics growing up). He actually responds well, when I reject the responsibility/ request he take responsibility. The problems escalate, when I try to appease him, which is counterintuitive for me in the moment. Thank you for your message and I will be careful. I have had my chances for exit and I've chosen to be in this, so the benefits have outweighed the cons. Obviously there are positives with this man.

[heartwhole2]

The pros shouldn't just outweigh the cons. The relationship should be all around well-balanced and healthy.

 

It is not healthy for him to have tantrums and stop speaking to you for days. I don't care what you've done, that is not how an adult responds.

 

I'd make couples counseling a requirement going forward. Better yet, he should be in individual counseling.

[preraph]

You've fallen into a common trap. You think the issue he's doing is too minor to make a big thing of it, so you feel petty which makes you vulnerable to him blaming it all on you being the unreasonable one. But he's the one trying to control you and make you into what he wants. Most men would maybe offer some tips but not just demand you take lessons from them.

 

Control is a facet of abuse. It usually gets worse. I've never seen anyone controlling get better. Maybe he's just not a good person to stay with. There are people you can love things about but not enough to stay with.

[Mr. Lucky]

But in life in general I tend to take on too much responsibility that isn't mine to take, and I think part of this situation is that if I want our relationship to be happy I need to care/ be responsible less and he will come around eventually seeing that I am happy and don't care.

 

If you want the relationship to be successful, you need to care less? Seems pretty contrary to a healthy exchange of emotions, and very hard to pull off at that.

 

A good relationship incentivizes you to care more. You have a scenario where, if you act like yourself, he gets annoyed and disconnects. Not a very positive dynamic ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

If you want the relationship to be successful, you need to care less? Seems pretty contrary to a healthy exchange of emotions, and very hard to pull off at that.

 

A good relationship incentivizes you to care more. You have a scenario where, if you act like yourself, he gets annoyed and disconnects. Not a very positive dynamic ...

 

Agree completely. All the more reason why he would benefit from individual counselling. And then, when he has more insight into his own behaviour and how it contributes/negatively affects a relationship, you can consider couples counselling.

 

But again, big red flag - when you are going to couples counselling when you are dating, it doesn’t usually bode well for the long term health and success of the relationship. The reason why - a healthy long term relationship requires two healthy partners...

[vla1120]

Thank you for your message! We are in a relationship a little over a year. This behaviour first started within a month or so of us dating. The first time it happened it felt like a cold shower. I didn't want to believe it, but over time I've grown to recognize it and it's now familiar. We have had these similar conflicts on average once every two weeks. I hear what you're saying. It's not pleasant, but if I ignore it, it does seem to go away quicker that way.

 

Oh boy. I could have written this. I don’t want to rain on your parade, but this is exactly how our relationship proceeded. We still go about two weeks on average between conflicts. They’re resolved much more quickly because I am all he has, so if he wants me around, he has to accept he does not own nor control me. I know it drives him batty, but those are my terms to stay involved. He used to prey on my sympathy and guilt, but even that doesn’t work for him anymore. He now knows I do not stay out of guilt or obligation, but strictly out of the goodness of my heart. I’m a Scorpio, so that “goodness” can turn to “wicked” in a heartbeat!

 

Thank you for your kind words. If I can save one person from the hell that I endured, I would implore you to look deep and decide how long you want to live this chaotic life with him. There is someone out there who is just as nice as you, who will show you their love and appreciation every day.

[spiderowl]

If you do not want to be taught something, you should be able to tell him and he should accept that. He can't impose his will on you. He should be able to accept you have boundaries and that, even if you are not as good at something as he is, you may not want to be taught. It is basic respect.

 

You should be able to say 'I want to play this game for fun, not to be trained or given tips'. If he can't accept that, then he has the problem. If he really cannot accept a boundary like that, then he must be very controlling. Why does he always want to be in charge of you? Why does he want to see you as an inferior who needs teaching?

 

You are allowed to stand up to your boyfriend and tell him not to tell you what to do. He is not your boss. He is your partner. You both deserve respect. If he cannot treat you like another adult, then you need to think seriously about getting more involved with him. Constantly battling against someone who is trying to put you in the inferior position is very wearing and it can erode your confidence. Please do not let him do that.

[loversquarrel]

When my wife and I play games against each other it's always about fun and having a good time. If I teach my wife something she wants to learn I have fun doing it and she enjoys the time as well, she teaches me things and we both enjoy it, its reciprocal.

 

Maybe your boyfriend is one of those "back yard" family cook out professional athletes?