Am I Messing Up?

[Mrin]

Avid skier here. Never ever try to teach your girlfriend to ski. Just don't. I think the same applies to tennis.

[BrennaR]

Avid skier here. Never ever try to teach your girlfriend to ski. Just don't. I think the same applies to tennis.

 

Think you may be right. We haven't gone skiing together, so he has no idea, what's in store. I've been skiing since age 6. Let's just say it's one of those things I am at near expert level. Next winter is going to be interesting if we make it

[BrennaR]

If you do not want to be taught something, you should be able to tell him and he should accept that. He can't impose his will on you. He should be able to accept you have boundaries and that, even if you are not as good at something as he is, you may not want to be taught. It is basic respect.

 

You should be able to say 'I want to play this game for fun, not to be trained or given tips'. If he can't accept that, then he has the problem. If he really cannot accept a boundary like that, then he must be very controlling. Why does he always want to be in charge of you? Why does he want to see you as an inferior who needs teaching?

 

You are allowed to stand up to your boyfriend and tell him not to tell you what to do. He is not your boss. He is your partner. You both deserve respect. If he cannot treat you like another adult, then you need to think seriously about getting more involved with him. Constantly battling against someone who is trying to put you in the inferior position is very wearing and it can erode your confidence. Please do not let him do that.

 

I agree with you on all points. I guess this is like dealing with someone insecure and controlling and it can really wear you down. I am taking day by day with him and some days are better than others and overall I am not ready to bail yet.

[BrennaR]

When my wife and I play games against each other it's always about fun and having a good time. If I teach my wife something she wants to learn I have fun doing it and she enjoys the time as well, she teaches me things and we both enjoy it, its reciprocal.

 

Maybe your boyfriend is one of those "back yard" family cook out professional athletes?

 

He is definitely on that spectrum, and to his credit, he has several triathlons under his belt, etc. I would very much like to enjoy the time with him and playing different sports, and to my detriment, it's not always enjoyable. As I try to "fix it" it gets worse. I'm in a bit of a pickle with this one.

[BrennaR]

Thank you for everyone, who responded. My tennis game has gotten much better. I've been taking instructions from him and for the most part we have really enjoyed the tennis. We have had two or three blown out arguments since this post. It's just how it goes in our relationship and it's definitely exhausting. I've felt like walking away and I feel like walking away from the relationship. This is usually the time he starts acting caring and loving. Sigh.

[BaileyB]

It's just how it goes in our relationship and it's definitely exhausting. Sigh.

 

I couldn’t do it. I don’t care how loving and caring he is, I couldn’t stay in a relationship where blown out arguments are the norm. I just couldn’t live with that kind of conflict with my partner.

 

Perhaps, that is what this relationship is meant to teach you, while looking for your life partner. Just remember, you have complete control here. It’s not “just how it goes...” Sigh. If you don’t like arguing with your partner, you always have the choice to leave the relationship.

[Mr. Lucky]

We have had two or three blown out arguments since this post.

 

Well, it's been a month since you first posted, so a "blow out" argument every 10 days? 36 of them a year?

 

I'm with Bailey, though it's not that I couldn't do it. I just don't understand why I'd want to...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BaileyB]

I suppose what we know that you are learning Brenna - this isn’t “normal” behavior in a relationship. You don’t have to just shrug your shoulders and sigh, thinking that this is what all relationships are like because they are not.

[BrennaR]

Thank you guys for your support and help. I am an my wits end on how to fix it and I do believe that this will not get better. It will either stay this way indefinitely, or it will get worse. Right now I feel depressed, but I feel even more depressed, when I think about ending this relationship. I feel like I've never really been in that proper headspace for a relationship and I attract this kind of man. It's like a vicious cycle. For this reason I've stayed single for long stretches of time, but I was lonely.

This will be a big decision to make and I am going to take a few days to mull it over and maybe focus on some of my other friends and hobbies.

[BaileyB]

I am an my wits end on how to fix it and I do believe that this will not get better. It will either stay this way indefinitely, or it will get worse.

 

I would agree Brenna. This is an established pattern of behavior for him. In order to change, HE has to WANT to change. He has given you no such indication. Which means, that old saying is likely true... the best predictor of future behavior, is past behavior...

 

Right now I feel depressed, but I feel even more depressed, when I think about ending this relationship.

 

It will get easier, and you will feel even less depressed, the longer this goes on... It will wear you down over time...

 

This will be a big decision to make and I am going to take a few days to mull it over and maybe focus on some of my other friends and hobbies.

 

That's a good plan. It hard to have a clear perspective when you are in the middle of something. It's good to take a step back, take some time, and reevaluate. You may be surprised at how calm you feel, when you are not waiting for the next thing that is going to cause the next blow out fight.

 

Just remember, he is not the ONLY guy out there. There are plenty of men for you to date who will bring you good times, without the conflict. You just have to find the courage to go out there and find one...

[Crazelnut]

Thank you guys for your support and help. I am an my wits end on how to fix it and I do believe that this will not get better. <snip>

This will be a big decision to make and I am going to take a few days to mull it over and maybe focus on some of my other friends and hobbies.

 

You can't fix this. And it will get worse. Your BF has no desire to change. Please cut your losses, before this sucks the life out of you. A solitary life is better than a force fed diet of conflict. You cannot fix what's wrong with him.

[BrennaR]

You can't fix this. And it will get worse. Your BF has no desire to change. Please cut your losses, before this sucks the life out of you. A solitary life is better than a force fed diet of conflict. You cannot fix what's wrong with him.

 

Yes, I hear you. I am sick of the conflict and it's already eroded my self - esteem and our trust. He is suggesting counselling, but doesn't want to pay for it. Again, it seems like the burden is on me. Thing is I am 39 and have literally had 7 long-term boyfriends and I am pretty much boyfriended out. I feel like I am going to be alone for a long time again and I don't know if I am ready for this alone time. I have almost no support network, so things like this really take a toll. But I know what you're all saying and what I have to do.

[preraph]

Thank you for everyone, who responded. My tennis game has gotten much better. I've been taking instructions from him and for the most part we have really enjoyed the tennis. We have had two or three blown out arguments since this post. It's just how it goes in our relationship and it's definitely exhausting. I've felt like walking away and I feel like walking away from the relationship. This is usually the time he starts acting caring and loving. Sigh.

 

Which means he is completely lucid and is manipulating you.

 

A relationship should enhance your life.

[BrennaR]

Which means he is completely lucid and is manipulating you.

 

A relationship should enhance your life.

 

Thank you for your message. I have expressed this to him and he seems completely unaware of this pattern and behaviour. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, meaning that I can empathise with having learned unconscious behaviours and that his behaviour is not malicious. Regardless, this makes us incompatible. I've taken everyone's advice and I am going to make a decision soon.

[Mr. Lucky]

He is suggesting counselling, but doesn't want to pay for it.

 

He obviously doesn't place much value on you or the relationship. Seems there's a message there somewhere ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BrennaR]

And he said something that I had definitely lost sight of. That he feels like we are both dominant and in a relationship he is used to a much more subservient mate. I don't disagree with him, and this brings this home a bit because I have always struggled with my femininity and surrendering, etc, all those things, where you are supposed to me a woman and the role, and I don't mean the role in a bad archaic way. I am a very strong kind of a hard ass person and the only thing that is "feminine" about me is my appearance, which was probably misleading to him at first.

 

So yeah, we are definitely at crossroads. He is obviously not happy with me either.

 

I don't know if it's too late for me to surrender to my feminine womanly ways. And what that would even look like. I certainly didn't grow up around that kind of dynamic and wouldn't know where to start. I've read a few blogs and they make sense to me at first, and I try a few things and then get annoyed and revert back to my ways. Blogs like the feminine woman, etc.

 

Sorry to keep rambling about this relationship. But it's certainly holding a giant mirror to my face.

[Crazelnut]

Jeez oh flip! If you have to completely change who you fundamentally are for a guy who can't handle "you," the relationship is all kinds of messed up. Don't change who you are. Ever. For any man, especially not an azz hat like this. There is nothing wrong with being a strong, independent-minded woman! You just need to find a man who appreciates that. They're out there, trust me.

[BrennaR]

Jeez oh flip! If you have to completely change who you fundamentally are for a guy who can't handle "you," the relationship is all kinds of messed up. Don't change who you are. Ever. For any man, especially not an azz hat like this. There is nothing wrong with being a strong, independent-minded woman! You just need to find a man who appreciates that. They're out there, trust me.

 

Thank you for your comment! I've met these great men and they have been lovely, but I wasn't attracted or interested in them, and therein lies my problem

[BaileyB]

I don't know if it's too late for me to surrender to my feminine womanly ways. And what that would even look like.

 

Brenna, a man who truly loves you will love you for exactly the person that you are. Never change who you are for another person, or to keep a relationship.

[HappySenior]

And he said something that I had definitely lost sight of. That he feels like we are both dominant and in a relationship he is used to a much more subservient mate. I don't disagree with him, and this brings this home a bit because I have always struggled with my femininity and surrendering, etc, all those things, where you are supposed to me a woman and the role, and I don't mean the role in a bad archaic way. I am a very strong kind of a hard ass person and the only thing that is "feminine" about me is my appearance, which was probably misleading to him at first.

 

So yeah, we are definitely at crossroads. He is obviously not happy with me either.

 

I don't know if it's too late for me to surrender to my feminine womanly ways. And what that would even look like. I certainly didn't grow up around that kind of dynamic and wouldn't know where to start. I've read a few blogs and they make sense to me at first, and I try a few things and then get annoyed and revert back to my ways. Blogs like the feminine woman, etc.

 

Sorry to keep rambling about this relationship. But it's certainly holding a giant mirror to my face.

 

I used to be on here regularly, many moons ago. I've since lost the email address - but I just had to get on here and warn you against continuing.

 

My husband, who I am separated from, but dating was EXACTLY like this our first two years of dating. He is currently undergoing anger management training - but I have my doubts he will follow through.

 

One of my first complaints was his bossiness. Anything where he had to give me instructions he was brusque and rude. I was used to much better treatment before that and many times I ended up crying and being depressed - it was obvious he didn't care how he made me feel.

 

Like with your boyfriend, we would break up and he would be silent for several days (longest was two weeks) and then come back with "caring" behavior.

 

We ended up marrying anyway, and here I am three years later having had to separate. I have not had a job, because he has controlled everything, including being in another state half the year. It took me multiple times, but I finally decided to leave and insist he get AM training.

 

In this time, I have made my own home and life, and multiple friends - particularly a group I can depend on. After telling me for sure he wants a divorce, (and I concurred), now he wants to "date" me.

 

He constantly gaslighted me, saying I was "critical" of him, when all I did was to complain when he was disrespectful. Everything I did when he was in a mood, was said to be the cause of his rudeness. He gave me the same spiel about being used to more docile treatment. Then I saw a video of his late wife being disrespectful when he was being bossy. And I knew, finally, what I suspected all along. It was bs.

 

He likes to control. And the one he wants to control is the person he is supposed to be intimate with. He will also control other aspects of life, but it will never cross the line into the socially unacceptable except with his mate. Not even his adult children.

 

(In my case, when he tried to coerce me into signing a quitclaim deed "in case we divorced" that I knew I was done being married to him. It was the nail in the coffin, because there is no point in living and working on a home I do not own, no matter how resilient I might have become.

 

I had a little money tucked away and bought myself a cheap house, which I love - even though a couple of major things need fixed. I am "dating" my husband for the simple reason that I like the sex and I am not at all interested in having another relationship at this time.

 

You will end up in my situation if you continue with this type of person. It is a chaotic way to live - even if you don't have to divide the year in two place. You won't be able to count on feeling like going to social activities because you never know when they are going to control you to the point of upset, or give you the silent treatment when they don't get their way. If you challenge them on their behavior, there will always be an argument - and eventually, rage.

 

I don't like labels unless it is a professional diagnosis. I don't think mine has "all" the traits of a narcissist, but it is clear to me that it is all about him and his needs. (Thus when he comes back he has decided that sex with me is better than finding someone new all over again. Since I have decided the same thing, it works to see him a couple times a week.)

 

IF you do stay in the relationship, make sure you have a support system. Spend ALL your time away from him building that up. Have a place to stay to get away from him until >you< are ready to come back. IF he is verbally abusive and you have no place else, know where the nearest woman's shelter is located.

 

"Useless as tits on a boar hog"

[BrennaR]

I used to be on here regularly, many moons ago. I've since lost the email address - but I just had to get on here and warn you against continuing.

 

My husband, who I am separated from, but dating was EXACTLY like this our first two years of dating. He is currently undergoing anger management training - but I have my doubts he will follow through.

 

One of my first complaints was his bossiness. Anything where he had to give me instructions he was brusque and rude. I was used to much better treatment before that and many times I ended up crying and being depressed - it was obvious he didn't care how he made me feel.

 

Like with your boyfriend, we would break up and he would be silent for several days (longest was two weeks) and then come back with "caring" behavior.

 

We ended up marrying anyway, and here I am three years later having had to separate. I have not had a job, because he has controlled everything, including being in another state half the year. It took me multiple times, but I finally decided to leave and insist he get AM training.

 

In this time, I have made my own home and life, and multiple friends - particularly a group I can depend on. After telling me for sure he wants a divorce, (and I concurred), now he wants to "date" me.

 

He constantly gaslighted me, saying I was "critical" of him, when all I did was to complain when he was disrespectful. Everything I did when he was in a mood, was said to be the cause of his rudeness. He gave me the same spiel about being used to more docile treatment. Then I saw a video of his late wife being disrespectful when he was being bossy. And I knew, finally, what I suspected all along. It was bs.

 

He likes to control. And the one he wants to control is the person he is supposed to be intimate with. He will also control other aspects of life, but it will never cross the line into the socially unacceptable except with his mate. Not even his adult children.

 

(In my case, when he tried to coerce me into signing a quitclaim deed "in case we divorced" that I knew I was done being married to him. It was the nail in the coffin, because there is no point in living and working on a home I do not own, no matter how resilient I might have become.

 

I had a little money tucked away and bought myself a cheap house, which I love - even though a couple of major things need fixed. I am "dating" my husband for the simple reason that I like the sex and I am not at all interested in having another relationship at this time.

 

You will end up in my situation if you continue with this type of person. It is a chaotic way to live - even if you don't have to divide the year in two place. You won't be able to count on feeling like going to social activities because you never know when they are going to control you to the point of upset, or give you the silent treatment when they don't get their way. If you challenge them on their behavior, there will always be an argument - and eventually, rage.

 

I don't like labels unless it is a professional diagnosis. I don't think mine has "all" the traits of a narcissist, but it is clear to me that it is all about him and his needs. (Thus when he comes back he has decided that sex with me is better than finding someone new all over again. Since I have decided the same thing, it works to see him a couple times a week.)

 

IF you do stay in the relationship, make sure you have a support system. Spend ALL your time away from him building that up. Have a place to stay to get away from him until >you< are ready to come back. IF he is verbally abusive and you have no place else, know where the nearest woman's shelter is located.

 

"Useless as tits on a boar hog"

 

Thank you for your thoughtful response and advice! I can see so much resemblance in your writing to my situation and I can even see the future playing out in a similar way than your situation played out.

 

I admire you for sticking it out for as long as you did and for helping your husband find treatment and healing even though it was at the expense of your relationship.

 

I can't understand why am unable to walk from this relationship and I am stalling with my decision. I've walked from bad relationships before without looking back. I am sure I need some kind of breaking point and I am afraid of what that might be at this point.

[BaileyB]

Thing is I am 39 and have literally had 7 long-term boyfriends and I am pretty much boyfriended out. I feel like I am going to be alone for a long time again and I don't know if I am ready for this alone time. I have almost no support network.

 

It seems to me that you know exactly why you stay in this relationship. You said it earlier in this discussion. You have had several relationships that have not worked out and you don’t want to start over again. You feel like you don’t have the support you need to end it. And, you don’t want to be alone. So, you have quite literally decided that it’s better to stay in a bad relationship than to end it and be single.

 

It also seems to me that you have romanticized the situation - you admire the previous poster for sticking it out so long. When in truth, I would argue that she stayed way too long... Sure, it takes time to come to terms with the fact that an individual needs to leave an abusive relationship. But, there is no prize earned the longer you stay and tough it out...

 

Brenna, you are the only person who can make the decision to end this relationship. I know, you feel like you can’t/don’t want to do it. But, its like Dorothy discovered in the Wizard of Oz - “My dear, you have had the power all along.” You just don’t know it.

Edited August 3, 2019 by BaileyB

[BrennaR]

It seems to me that you know exactly why you stay in this relationship. You said it earlier in this discussion. You have had several relationships that have not worked out and you don’t want to start over again. You feel like you don’t have the support you need to end it. And, you don’t want to be alone. So, you have quite literally decided that it’s better to stay in a bad relationship than to end it and be single.

 

It also seems to me that you have romanticized the situation - you admire the previous poster for sticking it out so long. When in truth, I would argue that she stayed way too long... Sure, it takes time to come to terms with the fact that an individual needs to leave an abusive relationship. But, there is no prize earned the longer you stay and tough it out...

 

Brenna, you are the only person who can make the decision to end this relationship. I know, you feel like you can’t/don’t want to do it. But, its like Dorothy discovered in the Wizard of Oz - “My dear, you have had the power all along.” You just don’t know it.

 

Yes, you are right and I agree. I think it's more of my personal pride, accepting failure at this point and I need to let go of that. I know perfectly well what I need to do.

[BaileyB]

Brenna, have you considered that failure would be to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy?

 

It seems to me that success in this situation may well be making the decision to finally end it, to give yourself the opportunity to build a happier life for yourself and perhaps, to find the relationship you are supposed to have.

 

Hugs. This is hard stuff. But, you will be ok.

[BrennaR]

Brenna, have you considered that failure would be to stay in a relationship that makes you unhappy?

 

It seems to me that success in this situation may well be making the decision to finally end it, to give yourself the opportunity to build a happier life for yourself and perhaps, to find the relationship you are supposed to have.

 

Hugs. This is hard stuff. But, you will be ok.

 

No. I hadn't considered that it would be failure to stay in this relationship. But that's exactly what it is. Thank you for taking the time to clarify it for me.