The Vacillating Is SO Real!

[jah526]

I think it's because all they're thinking of is themselves. My xMM came back TWO YEARS later. Still married. He ghosted me 3 texts later. He literally came back for no reason at all just to cause me more hurt.

 

 

 

They're just selfish. They don't (really) care if we hurt. And they certainly don't care if we heal. They get bored. Or lonely. Or nostalgic. Or want to feel in control again. So they come back. And the same applies to leaving again. They don't feel like explaining, so they don't.

 

I don’t know if that was his intention, to cause you more hurt. I think he was just pinging you to see what your reaction would be. Probably looking for ego strokes.

[mark clemson]

Dazey I think you're wise to not let him try to reel you back in or impact your emotions (as much as possible).

 

Being completely done with him lets you heal to the point where you have room in your life for a much healthier relationship.

[Abetterme]

 

I don't think I quite understood why it is important to maintain no contact until now. I read somewhere "no new contact = no new hurt". Since hearing from him last, I have been strung out wondering why he was contacting me so much for a couple of days only to disappear. Then I wished I hadn't heard from him at all.

 

 

 

I don't understand it and I don't think I ever will. Whenever I feel sad, I come back here to read why it is important to stay away.

 

Dazey - I am sorry this week has been tough, but you seem to have already recognized why not being in contact is so important. You were strong enough to put an end to it, YOU must be the one to keep him from contacting you.

 

Have you thought about blocking him totally now that you’re no longer in the same workplace? I never understood this early on, but people here said many times, no contact isn’t about punishing or hurting them, it is for you. I wish I had done it earlier. It helps break the addictive cycle.

 

I just read something today about how we become addicted to the inconstancy of not having a reliable partner. This roller coaster and ends up causing us to bond to the inconstancy and try harder to get the unreliable partner to be what WE need them to be. This tension and hurt gets mistaken for passion. This is not a “loving relationship”. I thought this was a powerful read.

 

I hope this week is better for you. All the best!

[notmyfinestmoment]

Sigh....lots of tears today. I have been reading posts about this all weekend to try to get myself out of my fog.

 

 

 

When we talked, he seemed so happy with a couple of things that have happened for him this week. Half of me was happy for him..., the other half felt sorry for me (pity-party). Felt sorry for me in a sense that all of these great things seem to be happening for him, and his world doesn't seem any different, actually, it seems better while my world is kind of a mess right now as I try to move forward without him.

 

 

I get the feeling that he is upset with me...in his eyes, I pushed him away that day and that I ended things with him and that I am no longer initiating contact. I couldn't have been any more loving when we did talk about parting ways. He said he did'n't have it all figured out yet as far as what to do, but I don't think I could have handled all of the in and out while he did. It was the right thing to do even though the last thing I wanted was to not have him in my life. The truth was, we kept getting closer and closer.... We were in love and parting ways on weekends was getting too hard for both of us which is what drove him to have that conversation with his wife. But then, everything changed after that, so I knew what I had to do for his sake and mine. I pictured what my summer would be like....wondering what they were doing to try to work on their marriage. Seemed like it would be pure torture for me. I have kids and I want to be there for them, not just physically, but mentally too. They deserve my full attention and his situation was such a huge distraction for me mentally and was getting worse by the day. Of course him being cut out of my life is also horrible, but I am hoping the mental/emotional strain is shorter-lived than if we would have continued on. This is the hardest part though (I think)...the not hearing from him. No more I love you's or I miss you's or even a check-in to see how my weekend is. It's heartbreaking and my own fault.

 

 

 

Thank you for listening....You have all been amazing and I appreciate you trying to keep my head on straight during this difficult (albeit self-imposed) time.

[PhoenixRising8]

Dazey, you are in love. He is in love with his wife. He may have feelings for you but it's the idea of being validated as a man, the excitement of the secret that has him coming back. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. Take it from a former OW. We broke up 2 weeks ago. Mine told me he doesn't love his wife and has no physical attraction to her. He felt awkward and uncomfortable with ther. He told me about her breast surgery and lipo and described it as a "surgery gone bad". He told both of us he was leaving the marriage. Until at least end of January he wasn't even trying to resurrect the marriage. Then the Hawaii trip and I noticed a change. I wasn't the priority I had been. We broke up for a month and he came crawling back in tears. Realized I was the one he wanted to be with and he would make it happen in the next 2 months. He had some things to tie up. I gave it one last shot until he started waffling 2 weeks ago. That was it for me. Today is their anniversary and the happy couple celebrated with dinner out complete with pictures of hugs and kisses. So much for awkward and uncomfortable.

 

If he has told you he loves her, you can't compete. You can't compete with the marriage certificate, their history or their family. If you could, he would have committed to you. I wasted the last year on this miscreant and the last 7 months on a roller coaster. It isn't worth it. It hurts to leave and stay gone, but it hurts more to stay. Trust me, I know. I'm going through it now.

[Naivewomen]

As Lilkat points out, it hurts much worse to stay. I am many months out and emotionally more stable. I still miss him and think about him but I do NOT miss the rollercoaster nor do I miss his control of the entire thing. It's all about them. Woman tend to be more givers than receivers its inbred like nurturing a child. These MM dont deserve too have their cake and eat it too. I believed in his every word until the pullback of action. I am the furthest from conflict avoidant and he is weak. Not for me! Give it time, I promise you that you will heal. Your life and thoughts will eventually stop revolving around his life. My MM got the very best of me while my marriage suffered and it was all because I acted on impulse and I thought we were great friends.

[notmyfinestmoment]

The Dreaded Setback!

He reached out again earlier in the week. He was traveling for work and this was his first trip without me in a long time (said he was hoping I would show up at the airport?). He said he missed me and said the past two weeks have felt empty and that I am what is missing in his life. I met him at the airport when he returned and drove him home. He said he wanted to spend some time with me but his child (8 year old) was having a difficult time that week since both parents were traveling for work. I dropped him off without much fanfare. It was a little odd for sure.

 

 

Yesterday was his going away party for work. I attended and we ended up being the last two there. We went for a walk and he kissed me (a few times). Then, his child called him asking when he would be home. He felt guilty because she is having such a difficult time with the two of them traveling for work so much and not being home (she was with the nanny). He got very flustered and grabbed the first Uber home. I was left standing on a dark street in the city trying to find my way home on the train or Uber. He never sent a text to make sure I had found a way or if I even made it home (this is something he used to do).

 

 

I was really upset, no, mad. I was mad that he didn't care about my safety. I was mad that he has said he can't leave the marriage because he is worried how it will affect his child, but then I see the damage they are doing to her by not being there for her. I snapped! I sent him an IM saying I didn't want him to contact me again (something I have never said). I told him that if he loved me, he would care if I made it to the train/home safely. I told him that if he cared about his daughter, they need to get their **** together as a couple and start making her priority. I told him what kind of love I deserve and that I am going to find someone eventually who will truly love me. He will make me a priority and I won't just be a twisted convenience in his life. I said a few more not nice things, but basically told him Goodbye and that I hope he finds some balance in his life and that he figures out what really matters (clearly it wasn't me). Again, I have never really done anything like this. I am always a very calm, rational person. Not my finest moment for sure, but I have held back so much hurt, trying to stay on my white horse and not upset him for fear of losing what we had. What we had.....silly girl, we didn't have anything. All I had was a very part-time relationship with a man who belonged to someone else.

 

 

 

I do believe I have nailed the door shut, that he won't be coming back. I am not one to cut people off in my life, so this is a first. I have also removed him as a FB friend because he watched my page regularly and he doesn't need to know what is going on in my life.

 

 

Sorry for the long read, just trying to digest all of this.

[heartwhole2]

He was not prepared for her reaction (complete shock and sadness).

 

I can relate to this comment from the other end, and I'll elaborate because I think this causes a lot of confusion and false hope for OW in this type of relationship.

 

Our "marital problems" were minor but were blown out of proportion because my husband didn't know how to communicate. On DDay he told me his gripes . . . that I didn't ask about his day enough, and that I didn't walk to the shops with him on the weekends any more (I was suffering from undiagnosed chronic fatigue at the time). I would ask, which came first, the desire to have an affair or the dissatisfaction with the marriage? Certainly marital issues as "egregious" as ours would not be solved by a secret girlfriend?

 

So on DDay he had convinced himself so fully that I was already checked out that my reaction of horror and despair completely floored him. Surely I was sending him messages that I wanted out of the marriage by my actions (which were obviously just the result of my own health struggles and limited energy)? But if so, then why was I reacting like I had just suffered a horrible, unthinkable trauma?

 

So then it was back track city. Oh, no no, see, the OW had feelings for him, but he didn't have any for her. So then I was like, I don't get it, why would some single woman who lives thousands of miles away want to have a secret relationship with you where you don't even reciprocate her feelings? You're not that great. He was obviously lying about his side of the relationship and I wasn't buying it.

 

Anyway, from the OW perspective, they see the MM who has his long list of dissatisfactions, who is positive his BW has checked out. So they are thinking, well why isn't he leaving this awful situation already? And then when the BW reacts to the absolute trauma of having their sexual autonomy taken away from them and being betrayed by someone who vowed fidelity, they say, oh, she's being manipulative now because she wants to keep her marriage. And oh, how convenient for him that now the BW is trying.

 

In my opinion, no cheating dope should ever be treated like some prize to be fought over. I certainly have no intention of ever being a willing participant in a love triangle. I deserve so much better than that. Don't we all?

 

Re your latest update, you are absolutely right that he's not prioritizing his daughter by channeling his extra energy elsewhere. We tend to rationalize these things . . . oh, this is about how much time I would spend with her if I weren't having an affair. But there's no way to account for how we would act if we weren't distracted by other things.

 

I'm glad you stood up for yourself. Now he may come back, so prepare yourself. He may want to shower you with attention until you stop making waves again, and then it will return to the status quo. You can only change your role in the dynamic and be firm on what you won't tolerate.

[PhoenixRising8]

This post really resonates. Another light bulb switches on.

[mark clemson]

Being firm is half the battle. Letting the emotions subside and then moving on with your life is the other half.

[whichwayisup]

I do believe I have nailed the door shut, that he won't be coming back. I am not one to cut people off in my life, so this is a first. I have also removed him as a FB friend because he watched my page regularly and he doesn't need to know what is going on in my life.

 

You block him too. Make it impossible for him to reach you in the future.

 

You found self love and respect for yourself by putting YOU first and not him/his needs.

[notmyfinestmoment]

I am still slightly haunted with how I ended things. I am a classic people pleaser and avoid confict, so for me to give him an earful about how I felt he treated me and how they aren't putting their daughter first, is out of character for me, 100%. Instead of him remembering me for how loving/kind I was to him the entire time we were together, he will remember that email and hang proverbial his hat on that instead. Not sure how to make peace with that, but I'm sure I will get there. My girlfriends were happy that I finally got mad. They thought he deserved every word because everything I said was true.

 

With that being said, this weekend was an easier weekend for me to get through because I have already been through a week without hearing from him during the NC period prior to this. I wasn't checking my phone to see if he had IM'd and I didn't crumble at the thought of the fun weekend he had planned with his friends. While I had many sad moments, I didn't cry. I hate to wish time away, but I can't wait until the thought of this man no longer enters my mind.

[Naivewomen]

Sounds like you are doing so much better. It will hurt for awhile. Continue to process and walk through the pain. There is light at the end of this tunnel for sure.

[stillafool]

Being firm is half the battle. Letting the emotions subside and then moving on with your life is the other half.

 

^^This! and if you're really serious about moving on with your life you would block him from contacting you. Until you do this you are still in hopes that he will return to you. I don't believe for one minute that he told his wife he is losing feelings for her. Husband's just don't do that unless it is in a fit of anger. If he is so in love with you why didn't he tell her that he has lost feelings for her because he is in love with you? He wouldn't be the first man to divorce and have shared custody with his child. It sounds like he only sees her part time now because of his career. He is full of it. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't eventually end up with another mistress at his new job.

[heartwhole2]

It's not healthy to avoid conflict, so your confrontation shows that you are making progress and growing. For you, conflict may feel unbearable, but for most people it's just a part of life. I doubt it will change how he viewed your relationship except to make him realize you have more of a backbone than he realized. That's a good thing.

[notmyfinestmoment]

It's not healthy to avoid conflict, so your confrontation shows that you are making progress and growing.

 

 

I agree, and for the entire time we were together up until me sending that last IM when I told him how I really felt, I would always say that I was fine or that nothing was wrong. I never wanted to argue with him because our time was always so limited as it was. I was suppressing my feelings/wants. So he is definitely seeing a different/new side to me. It's funny, had he sent an IM or called me on that very long train ride home, I probably would have gone back to ignoring how I felt because him reaching out would have been enough for me. Talk about breadcrumbs!

[notmyfinestmoment]

Update

Every time I start to think that I am going to be ok with this, the weekend comes and OMG! Silly because we never spent time together on the weekend anyway, so I'm not sure why the weekends affect me so much?!

 

He has reached out a couple of times since that awful IM where I snapped (questioning his priorities as a parent and addressing what I deserve in a partner). He has told me that he had been waiting for me to apologize for what I said. He has also told me that I took some low blows (my bringing up them leaving their child behind while they want on vacation during a major holiday - she was crying missing them, etc). He told me that even on his worst day, he wouldn't have said those things to me. It's funny, he has really put me through the emotional ringer over the past few months (flip/flopping, push/pull). How does he get to be the victim? He did say several times that he self-reflected and wondered what he could have done to drive me over the edge like that (while I said things that were pointed, it didn't get as crazy as he is making it sound). I re-iterated why I finally broke...that maybe this is the wake-up call we both needed to focus on our families. After that, he had called to see if I was ok. The next day, he followed it up with a joke text. I mean if he is so upset with me, it puzzles me why he keeps reaching out.

 

In any case, it is a tough weekend. Still feel incredibly guilty that I snapped like that (completely out of character). Also just dealing with the aftermath of the loss. I know I did the right thing by ending things, I am just on the roller coaster of emotion and it stinks. Then I ask myself what exactly I am missing. When I think about what a soul-sucking experience this has been, I should be happy to be rid of it. I feel good for 10 minutes after that thought, then start thinking of his absence and feel sad again, no tears though. Wash, Rinse, Repeat! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Edited June 1, 2019 by dazey72

[Abetterme]

Hi Dazey - I think the weekends are tough because it can be slower and forces more time for self-reflection. Even though my A has been over for some time, when I have too much time on hands I seem to use it to beat myself up even more.

 

I say this gently as I know it is tough to cut contact, but as a bystander I don’t feel you’ve ended things as you’re still engaging him. It is allowing the push-pull dynamic to continue and set you back. You just have to decide when enough is enough. He will not leave and will string you along like this for years if you allow it. All the best and hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend.

[mark clemson]

The contact is triggering for you at this point. Eventually it won't be (or wouldn't be since it will probably stop) but that takes a long time unfortunately.

 

Other activities (both purposeful and distractions), spending time with friends, exercise, spending some time in nature (to increase your serotonin levels) all will help. But time what it takes most of all. Much more than one would like, but it DOES end.

 

In the meantime, minimizing contact will help decrease the triggering. Consider blocking his texts, etc. If it was me I would tell the other person that I'm going to block them so they (hopefully) don't try to get around the block for something non-critical. Not sure he'll respect a NC request like that but probably worth trying.

[mark clemson]

I feel good for 10 minutes after that thought, then start thinking of his absence and feel sad again, no tears though. Wash, Rinse, Repeat! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

 

This sounds like limerence. You may wish to read up on it (if you haven't already) to confirm whether it is and understand what it is if you have it.

[notmyfinestmoment]

Update...

He has been reaching out randomly with a friendly IM here and there, mostly just about work. One time, we did both say that this is really difficult. I keep being reminded that NC would be better because honestly, it hurts when I think of how close we were to where we are now.

 

Today was not good though. He knew I would be in the city today for work, and sure enough, I ran into him on the way to my building. We exchanged hellos and how are yous. It was very brief and extremely awkward, like talking to a stranger. The adoration we used to have when we would look at each other was gone. All that was left as we stared at each other was hurt. I don't think I was prepared for it because I cried the entire morning once I got to work. All I could think of was 5 weeks ago, we were in each other's arms saying I love you and this is where we are now. I know I have to go through the hurt, but days like today are awful. I wish I hadn't run into him.

[BaileyB]

I’m sorry you are having a h are day. If you can, think of it this way... it’s just another step - perhaps a necessary step - on your path to healing... on your path to a better and happier future. Hugs.

[Abetterme]

@Dazey - I am sorry it was a tough day and that the run in hurt. Those thoughts of “what was” can be so detrimental as it is a romanticized view of the situation. No doubt, I was guilty of it as well in early days. I continue to urge NC, but I know you’ll do that when you’ve finally come out of the fog.

 

My therapist and I set a mantra one particularly tough week that I think might apply for you when you have those feelings bubbling up - “I’m moving forward”. It hurts, but you are...

 

Tomorrow is a new day!

[mark clemson]

It will probably be several months before you can see or be near him without it re-triggering feelings unfortunately. Suggest you continue to stay away and be LC as much as possible until you get to a place where it doesn't cause issues emotionally. Will be a while but you WILL get there.

[notmyfinestmoment]

Thank you everyone for your support and kindness.

 

I keep hoping I am going to feel better, but unfortunately, the pain seems to be getting worse, but I guess that is to be expected from everything I have read involving the break-up of an affair. I find myself crying daily...the loss feels intense because we also used to work together, so there is a pretty big void. Of course I am sure it didn't help that when I was at the store on Saturday, 3 of the songs from our playlist were played....3 not mainstream songs (talk about a trigger). I walked out of the store holding back tears.

 

He called me the next day after we ran into each other last week to ask if I was ok...that I seemed pretty upset. I told him that I was just having a really difficult time with all of this right now and I don't talk to him about it because what would be the point. I asked when will it get easier, and he said that he didn't know...that he wants to know that too. I told him it seemed like he was doing better than I was, to which he said, no, I am just better at faking it than you.

On Saturday, he sent an IM sharing something that reminded him of one of my kids (he never met them, just knew what I had told him of them or what he had seen on FB when we were friends). It was friendly, nothing intimate. I guess I don't know what to make of the contact. Does he feel bad and is just trying to make sure I am ok? Has he moved past his feelings (if he had them?? He seemed very close to me though) and wants to be friends (which I am too hurt to do right now)?

Edited June 17, 2019 by dazey72