The Vacillating Is SO Real!

[notmyfinestmoment]

But you are because you are at a place where you no longer want him I am stuck on still loving him and wishing things were different, but know I need to walk away. I guess it means you have come to terms with the loss and now you are processing the grief. I want to get there! I haven't kept anything he has written to me or any of the small gifts.

 

 

 

The reason I think he will come back to is because of all of the vacillating he has done with you so far. It could be that he wants to take your temperature to see if you will take him back, it could be that he is sorry and will apologize for hurting you, it could be a lot of things. It just seems like with everything I have read (and boy have I read a lot on here) that they always re-surface at some point....2 months, 6 months, 2 years.

[elaine567]

I have read (and boy have I read a lot on here) that they always re-surface at some point....2 months, 6 months, 2 years.

 

Because finding an OW, isn't that easy.

Most women will tell him "No thanks, go play with your wife" and even those interested lose interest when he doesn't leave. He thus ends up back trying to persuade his ex OW to have him back.

[Beentheretoooften]

@elaine. Boy I hope I don’t do this. Gonna do my hardest not to for AP and myself.

[notmyfinestmoment]

@Beentheretooften - I think you and my xMM were in similar positions. I don't know if it is naive, but I don't think either of you intentionally set out to hurt anyone and that you never thought you would find yourself in this position, but someone was going to get hurt. As the OW, I would rather it be me than his wife or daughter.

 

We are on Day 4 of NC, and this holiday is hurting like hell. I do not sit here thinking he is blissfully going about his day. I know he is struggling just as much as I am today. BUT I know it is for the best.

[Beentheretoooften]

@dazey. Thank you. I always want to feel like I’m not the only mm to feel this way. Mine last a decade. It has gotten easier, but there was so much I loved about her. Things I can’t even explain where people would be able to even begin to understand our relationship. But I know everyone says that. A decade. The girl of my dreams. I was too late. I’m jealous, but I just love my family too much. I’ll always think what if I had left. I know the %’s etc. MC is killing me. Killing AP too. It doesn’t make sense that we felt like we did about each other. It was much deeper than anything I have read on here in the few months I’ve been on.

[notmyfinestmoment]

@beentheretoooften... A decade is a really long time, so your pain is very understandable! Can I ask if she was married as well? Like you, I believe he also may be in MC. He said he is also tortured by the What If's (like I said, you guys seem to be in the same place). The way you talk about her is how he talked about me. He loves his family as well, which is why we are all in this situation and have let each other go. How long have you been in NC?

 

I saw on another thread that you may be starting your own thread. I hope you do....I like hearing your perspective!

[Beentheretoooften]

@dazey. Hi again. She was single. Totally inexperienced. And to point out, I’m not in MC but rather IC. No Dday. I can’t imagine how your mm got to this point in under a year. WOW. NC has been less than 6 months, and there are just so many other factors to consider. I hate not being able to see her or talk to her. But I don’t want to anymore (at least this is what I tell myself) From what Ive read, from those that leave, it has such low % chance of working out past 5 years. Like 2-3%. Unlike others, I adore what I have. There are some that don’t think that’s possible considering what I have done. But it’s true. This whole thing is Such a mess. It’s out of my control. I just could never ever leave.

[Beentheretoooften]

@dazey. Oops. My 8:58 post has MC is killing me. That was autocorrect that I didn’t pickup until I just realized you said something about it. I think I just meant to to say it’s killing me. The low % of it actually working out. Sorry about that slip. In the meantime, I just went back and read all your posts from this thread. I see how similar. I actually feel like my feelings were a million times stronger, but I guess that because it’s me saying it

[spiritedaway2003]

@beentheretoooften, it's refreshing to have the perspective on a MM on this thread. My situation is similar to dazey's but mine has ended. Except there was a D day. As Dazey said, I'd rather limit the hurt but it's too late. In some ways, I'm glad it was exposed because it gives them a real chance to work on things. What we felt for each other was as intense and deep as it can get; I've never connected with anyone like that in my entire life.

 

10 years is a long time to be in a A (not typical and some real relationships don't even last that long), and I might be angry if I were in her position. Part of it is her choice, but that's 10 of years of her life she couldn't get back. 10 years she could've spent with someone who could love or be with her wholeheartedly.

 

I have these questions in my head, and I meant them in a respectful (and hoping to understand better) kind of way. Actually, I hope you might consider starting a thread someday if and when you're ready since you are coming in from a different perspective. It's quite refreshing.

 

1) Were you unhappy in your marriage? What prompted you to look outside of your marriage?

 

2) If there were so many things you loved about her and she was the girl of your dreams, did you ever thought to leave your marriage and family for her? Did she ever ask? How big did that age gap play into your consideration?

 

3) If you knew the chance of success of leaving for an AP is low, was leaving something you never really considered? Or is the reality is that you love your family more than you did her and the idea of leaving was merely in the fantasy realm of "What if?" While I don't doubt love and the deep relationship you had with her (after all, 10 years is considered a "long term" relationship by all standards), would it be fair to say that you've strung her along?

 

4) What's helping you to not waver in your NC? Did she ask you not to contact her ever again? Do you think you will? Do you think she will?

 

Thanks and good luck. I know these things are messy (I'll never get myself into such a situation again). I'm really glad you're contributing to this thread. It really helps to read and learn from similar situations.

Edited July 5, 2019 by spiritedaway2003

[Beentheretoooften]

@spirited. These are all fair questions. I’ll try and answer all. I was very happy in my marriage, it’s one that others appreciate because of the family we have. I Was not looking for any sort of A. I almost feel like we were in too deep before we knew what had even happened.

I never really considered leaving. Ever. AP never directly asked, but would say things like Can’t we just be together, I’d go anywhere in the world to make it work etc. but it was never really an option. Age gap was big, but never played any role in anyone being uncomfortable or such. The disaster that would have been left behind would have been too much for me to handle. So leaving was never ever considered. In my wildest dreams only I thought about it.

AP was extremely mature/smart. After A few years, maybe more, we knew she would have to start looking elsewhere. So, when she thought she had met somebody that she could see herself with for marriage etc, she would have to take it. I really pushed her on this. Guided her. Supported her. Did everything in my power to give her strength. And that day finally came. It must have been impossible for AP. she gained great experience along the way, and knows what real love is. I keep thinking, this new person has literally no idea what he just caught. Literally won the lottery. Nobody knows AP as well as I do. Not 1 person in the world. Best friends too. Funny, she wanted to try and keep some sort of friendship still, I think she wanted to keep both ea/pa going but on a much less level. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t have AP tell me, oh I’m not available tomorrow to talk. Lol. Imagine that. She had a very tough time for many of those years because I am MM, many many tears. I understood, but I really didn’t understand until we were through. Lastly, I think because our situation, she will reach out at some point. I won’t. It’ll bring back too much for me. I can’t really imagine her having a relationship again that was as great as ours. That initial spark fades within a year/ maybe 2. Ours was going as strong

As ever. Just sad. I miss her.

[notmyfinestmoment]

@Beentheretoooften - How did things officially end (i.e. on good terms)? You have been in NC for a good amount of time...that is something to be proud of.

 

@spiritedaway2003 - I feel exactly the same way about mine (a connection like I have never had - he also felt the same way) and worry I won't find that again, but I am trying not to go down that road in my head. Same question for you too...did you guys end on good terms? How long has it been since D-Day/NC started?

I guess I am just trying to gauge how long everyone has been suffering since the end. This has been a really tough holiday weekend. I have a huge work project to get through and literally I feel sick from the heartache.

[Beentheretoooften]

@dazey. We left on great terms. Love you forever. Maybe we cross sometime down the road where we can continue the dream. Maybe spend our life together in our next lives. Goodbye was impossible. I almost think writing about it is making it worse. If I knew she struggling ( I know she has to be), I think I’m a weird way, it would make me feel better. Just ridiculous thoughts. It was so incredibly different with her. But I know why it was different, everyone here tells us. But try explaining that to your heart.

[notmyfinestmoment]

@beentheretoooften - We left it as I love you forever too. Maybe it makes things worse worse when it does end so peacefully and with love. I can tell you as a SOW AP, she IS struggling, so so much. And I get why you would feel better knowing she is. He and I just went through that on this last break. When he called to tell me how much he was hurting, it felt better knowing I wasn't the only one.

 

Even though I am REALLY struggling, I won't reach out to him. There is no room for me in his life. I know he doesn't want to lose me (I have seen him break down in tears several times during our relationship over how conflicted he is with all of this), but there is no alternative at this point. I wonder about what will happen to him though. Will he find a way to re-invest in his marriage (again, it is not bad, just lacking in connection) or will he bury his head in the sand to forge on and end up doing this again down the road because ultimately he has not come to terms with why he did this in the first place. I know I can't spend time thinking about that because I need to focus on me and my recovery (easier said than done).

 

I love and miss him so much. All I can do is look forward to a time where my heart and mind don't think of him constantly.

[Zona]

She knows what real love is. I keep thinking, this new person has literally no idea what he just caught. Literally won the lottery.

…

I think she wanted to keep both ea/pa going

 

You do realize these two statements are completely contradictory, right? If she was engaged to someone and was willing to continue to sleep with a married man on the side, I would say he didn't win the lottery.

[Naivewomen]

@Zona, I dont think she wanted to be intimate with two people. She more than likely wanted to hold onto the friendship. The emotional attachment is where she is struggling. Most women do not do well with multiple partners.

[notmyfinestmoment]

@Zona - I think all he was saying was that when it came time to ending things, she may have been willing to carry on at a lower level (bargaining). I didn't see anything that said she was engaged. In any case, he loved his AP and thought she was perfect. Is it necessary to tell him what kind of person you think she is (you aren't familiar with her or the situation). We are here to listen and support each other through these massive, life changing mistakes.

 

It appears you are a BS, so your perspective would be completely different than what we go through and there is a completely different forum for people in your position.

 

I'm sorry, but it is really tiring watching people comment on all these threads who have nothing productive to say, but simply come here to chime in with judgement. We are all struggling! That is why we come here!!

[Naivewomen]

I applaud you Dazey72!! Well said..!

 

The struggle is REAL and it will all come down to finding your inner strength to survive. A survival for your children's sake. I am a year out this month, I am strong again but still live with the damage done. It's a matter of managing your time, energy and efforts into making yourself happier.

[notmyfinestmoment]

@ Naivewomen - thanks! I will ask you as well...how did you end things (good, bad?) and when was the last time you were in contact?

[Beentheretoooften]

@dazey. Thanks. you get it as do the others. I understand his point and what he was saying. If any of my AP’s new relationship partners knew about her relationship with me, nobody would ever start or stay with her imo. I do believe that both ea and pa could continue, we almost stated it. But at the end knowing she could be intimate with somebody else, at the same time, makes me less interested for many reasons. She is truly perfect. The perfect one for me. Hands down we were meant for each other. For something so magical to happen so accidentally, no words could ever describe. And for her to slowly buy away from me while starting another relationship I don’t think makes her not a perfect catch.

[Beentheretoooften]

@amethyst. It’s cool. That stings a bit, but its ok. I love them differently, but love them both. In addition, I don’t think they are cooing, I think they are at least trying to be supportive at the moment. I’m sure they don’t condone it. The entire situation is so difficult. And believe me, I know how awful it is. Just trying to move along. Dazey, naive and the rest ARE helping. Right now that’s what we need. I do appreciate the honesty of your post.

Edited July 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Beentheretoooften]

@amethyst one more thing. I’m thinking about what you said. And it actually helps me see that I am making the right decision. You are correct about some things you have said. I know what’s right I know what’s wrong. My execution has been poor. And now I’ve made it to where it’s possibly a lifetime struggle. But I deserve that, don’t I? I have grief and remorse and regret like I have never ever felt. It’s impossible to think that others have gone through the same. As I hear of other stories, it makes me feel as though I am not alone. And right now, that’s the most important thing that I need.

[Beentheretoooften]

@dazey I wish I could be like you!! My hero.

[BTDT2012]

But at the end knowing she could be intimate with somebody else, at the same time, makes me less interested for many reasons.

 

 

Ultimate double standard.

[Beentheretoooften]

@dazey there are other specs that I would be Interested in telling you, but there is a reason, as you can probably figure out, as why I would never post my story in detail. I actually just emailed the site and asked what the process is for pm etc. I need to take the rest of today away from here. But I will be looking forward to hearing more from you and naive. Thank you for your posts. They do a mean a lot.

[Amethyst68]

No the ultimate double standard is that he has stated he would divorce his wife if she had an affair.