The Vacillating Is SO Real!

[spiritedaway2003]

........

 

I would say understanding how one gets into a situation or hearing someone's position is not the same as condoning a behavior. I appreciate his perspective as a MM, since his thoughts and rationalizations are different from my own experience. There are some some double standards there, but I really still appreciate that he's frank enough to share how he feels (including his feelings for the OW) even though he probably know it would subject him to criticisms.

 

FWIW, I've not condoned my own behavior either. While I don't regret the feelings and love I had with that certain someone, I also recognized that it was the single biggest mistake I've ever made in terms of getting involved with someone who's unavailable. I see the damages and the devastation it caused.

 

And now, I'm working backwards from a behavioral standpoint to understand what happened and to make sure it won't ever happen again. As it is, there is very little support out there for the OW/OM (because we "should have known" what we had gotten ourselves into, and so we deserve everything that is coming to us). I understand the lack of empathy, because hey, "look at what you've done".

 

I get it. I struggled after D day and went for a IC session and prefaced by letting her know that I am having a hard time because I know no one would look kindly to an A situation, but I really needed help and support. And thank god for that person on the other end who was willing to listen and provide the occasional insights. I've done everything right all my life. And for the first time I screwed up badly, I just needed support to help me get back on track. To make me feel not so alone. Because the love, the loss, the guilt, the remorse, the hurt, the personal growth, the up and downs - there is so much there that needs to be sorted through.

 

Even though I'm someone who's not usually bothered by being alone, reading this this forum has helped me not feel so alone.

Edited July 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Naivewomen]

@beentheretooften,

 

PM access is granted after you post several times. I am not sure about the count but once you achieve that PM is granted. I have access so once you gain access feel free to reach out.

 

I do apologize on behalf of others harsh comments. Dont take it personally! You loved her so its not as if you were in it to use her. Two very different scenarios. Hang in there!!

[notmyfinestmoment]

Back to our original conversation.... I really do appreciate you guys sharing your story. Like all of you, it makes me feel less alone. When the heartache wells up, I feel better coming on here. I have a couple of really good girlfriends who have been wonderful (holding my hair back so to speak) during this whole ordeal. From the excitement of the first kiss, to the pain of every break-up, they know everything. And as much as they said I deserved better, that everything happens for a reason, and that I needed to be strong, I have never been able to hold onto it. My mind knows exactly what this is, but my heart aches. Not looking for sympathy...more looking for others who have been through it (my friends haven't) and can tell me how they processed it.

 

I have looked for happy endings on this forum (not the kind where the WS is now with the AP), but where they moved on to find an even better love....the kind they had with the MOM and never thought they could find again. Sigh, those are hard to find, but I have seen a few.

[spiritedaway2003]

@spiritedaway2003 - I feel exactly the same way about mine (a connection like I have never had - he also felt the same way) and worry I won't find that again, but I am trying not to go down that road in my head. Same question for you too...did you guys end on good terms? How long has it been since D-Day/NC started?

 

Dazey, yes, we ended on very good terms, full of love and understanding. We've since gone complete NC (no bumping into each other, no calls/texts/emails). I have no more view into his life just as he no longer has in mine. And it's been hard because I miss everything we had, not just the connection, but the friendship and companionship long before the A started. My timeframe is roughly the same as yours (still fresh), which is why I relate to your posts so well.

 

I still think of him often, even though I keep myself plenty busy. I knew it was a bad start when I woke up thinking about him (what's wrong with me!) There are so many reminders of him everywhere. These intense feelings we had for each other are reciprocal. The vacillating is so real because I don't want to let something so rare go, but I need to. I love him so much that I hope he could still find his happiness or contentment, even if it's not with me.

 

I didn't think it was even possible, but I might love him even more after D day because he turned out to be exactly the person I fell in love with. He could've dumped everything on me after D day. When **** hits the fan, he stepped up and owned up what happened with his family, himself and with me (he apologized for what he put me through).

 

He's going through a world of pain and hurt and I really wish I could help him lessen the burden. Cognitively, I know the most loving thing I could do is to let him work things through, so NC is what we both need. What hurts the most is that I care so much for him, but I can't be there for him.

 

The struggle had always been: Do I trust my heart or do I trust my head?

 

If he contacts me, I know I'd be conflicted. My heart would be happy to hear from him because I miss him terribly. On the other hand, my head knows that talking to him would set me back and un-do the progress I would have made.

 

That will depend on why he's reaching out, and I'll cross the bridge when I get there.

 

When your MM reached out, he just wanted to share that he's having a hard time? That's hard to re-open feelings again like that but not get anywhere. We had that once, but we were at the same place because nothing's changed (and there was no way I could go down the path of a longer term A once I realized it for what it is).

 

Hang in there.

Edited July 5, 2019 by spiritedaway2003

[Zona]

@dazey. Thanks. you get it as do the others. I understand his point and what he was saying. If any of my AP’s new relationship partners knew about her relationship with me, nobody would ever start or stay with her imo. I do believe that both ea and pa could continue, we almost stated it. But at the end knowing she could be intimate with somebody else, at the same time, makes me less interested for many reasons.

…

She is truly perfect.

 

OK so I was right about how she would be willing to continue the EA/PA after getting into a new relationship. Anyway I was not trying to be annoying, but I was trying to make the point that people in affairs almost ALWAYS completely idealize the AP. As many have found out in the end, the AP could have been anyone and the affair was mostly fantasy. They are like a placeholder for the feelings coming from them and reflected back. They feed each other's egos and fill the empty voids they have.

 

Anyways, I think most BS's here are actually very gracious about it all and are offering good advice, whether or not you are at a point where you can accept it. In fact, most waywards who have had the time to recover and reflect back say virtually all the same things. That should tell you something.

 

 

Knowledge is power, and understanding (very) common affair dynamics may help you disentangle easier. That is really the whole point of finding a good I.C.

[Beentheretoooften]

Back to our original conversation.... I have looked for happy endings on this forum (not the kind where the WS is now with the AP), but where they moved on to find an even better love....the kind they had with the MOM and never thought they could find again. Sigh, those are hard to find, but I have seen a few.

 

Hi Daze. From what I have been reading. And I have read tons over the last few months, and that reminds me, Naive said 1 month and 50 posts to have pm privileges, thought I was easily there. NOPE. 11 days. Lol. Feels like way more, but I digress.

I don’t think it’s possible to have these soulmate feelings in a normal relationship. Everywhere where I read, when the relationship is secret, it changes the stakes. It’s a fact that after that initial period of open relationships, they all lose that lust. It’s human nature. When the situation like ours arises, every meeting, every text, phonecall, FaceTime, it feels so good because partly it’s so wrong. I really believe that. After ten years, my AP would text or call me and I would still light up. Every time. You’ve been married, you know that’s impossible. I don’t think going forward I’ll ever feel that way again, and that is depressing, so depressing, but knowing AP won’t either is at least a little comforting.(selfish) You still have that chance and at least can be optimistic about it, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. Classic reason why when the MM leaves for the AP, it never works out. Once it’s “in the open”, that lust that was always was there now begins to fade. There’s a reason why 75%+ of these don’t last more than 5 years. (Ltr starting in A’s). I keep bringing this up to myself when I feel down. Not to mention all the other chaos that would ensue. One final thing, the poster that mentioned his cousin that passed earlier (post has since been deleted , so not sure you saw it). But one of the reasons why I left AP, and didn’t want to share is exactly that. Has nothing to do with double standard. For that to be said without any knowledge of how I felt made me sad. I hope my opinion on your original question doesn’t get you down.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

I have looked for happy endings on this forum (not the kind where the WS is now with the AP), but where they moved on to find an even better love....the kind they had with the MOM and never thought they could find again. Sigh, those are hard to find, but I have seen a few.

 

Possibly because they've found so much happiness with their new love they no longer think of. xMM or feel the need to post here about him.

[notmyfinestmoment]

Dazey, yes, we ended on very good terms, full of love and understanding. We've since gone complete NC (no bumping into each other, no calls/texts/emails). I have no more view into his life just as he no longer has in mine. And it's been hard because I miss everything we had, not just the connection, but the friendship and companionship long before the A started. My timeframe is roughly the same as yours (still fresh), which is why I relate to your posts so well.....

 

I miss his friendship as well (just like you, we had a platonic friendship prior to the A). That paired with intense romantic feelings are so hard to let go, because you are right, it is so rare. Sounds like we were like you guys in many ways.

 

We were never quite full NC. After pushing him away, he would still try to stay friends, sending funny IM's, calling to talk about work, etc. Here and there we would both say we are struggling. But his call a couple of Sundays ago when he was falling apart, took me off guard. When we thought we should spend the day together to talk (I think how stupid now), I honestly thought he had sorted something out in his head by what he was saying. He is so conflicted and confused, but I can't let him do that to me again. I guess that is why I didn't respond when he said everything in that last IM and I'm sure he isn't sure what to think of that because I don't think I have ever gone dark on him. I would have to think he knows I'm sad and a little upset with his flip/flop. I'm working my way through it. Dragging myself out tonight to have dinner with friends when all I really want to do is lay in my bed and cry.

Edited July 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[notmyfinestmoment]

Possibly because they've found so much happiness with their new love they no longer think of. xMM or feel the need to post here about him.

 

I hope you are right!!! Then there is always the possibility that they went back and are too embarrassed to come back for an update (I get it, I have hated having to post that I didn't just let everyone's initial advice sink in and dust myself off and now I have totally forgotten about him). Lets hope for the former!

[notmyfinestmoment]

I don’t think going forward I’ll ever feel that way again, and that is depressing, so depressing, but knowing AP won’t either is at least a little comforting.(selfish) You still have that chance and at least can be optimistic about it, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. Classic reason why when the MM leaves for the AP, it never works out. One final thing, the poster that mentioned his cousin that passed earlier (post has since been deleted , so not sure you saw it). But one of the reasons why I left AP, and didn’t want to share is exactly that. Has nothing to do with double standard. For that to be said without any knowledge of how I felt made me sad. I hope my opinion on your original question doesn’t get you down.

 

@Beenthere - That is what scares me too. I went out with some friends tonight and there was a really nice single guy who was interested in me and I really tried to socialize with him, but there was no connection on my end. All i could think of was HIM. I can't imagine kissing or laying next to anyone else at this point...is is WAY too soon (but I know I am being foolish, because he lays next to his wife every). My girlfriends had asked if I had heard from him (since that last IM) and I said no. One of them said, when a man loves a woman, he pursues her. He wouldn't be ok with you going dark on him. I told her that as far as I was concerned, the IM from him was a goodbye. And maybe if he does love me, he knows to just leave me alone because he knows it can't go anywhere. It kind of made me think of your situation. You are leaving your xAP alone because you know it can't go anywhere.

 

I didn't get to see that post about the poster's cousin passing (must have already been removed), can you tell me what it said and what the reason was with your AP?

[notmyfinestmoment]

They feed each other's egos and fill the empty voids they have......Anyways, I think most BS's here are actually very gracious about it all and are offering good advice, whether or not you are at a point where you can accept it. In fact, most waywards who have had the time to recover and reflect back say virtually all the same things. That should tell you something.

Just to clarify, I wasn't looking for an ego to be fed. Mine was maybe a large void that needed to be filled.

I agree, there are some great WS's that are on here (Heartwhole being one of my favorites) that have great wisdom and have an amazing way of delivering a message.

[divegrl]

Hi!!!

 

First off I’m so sorry for your pain and loss. This must be really tough for you.

 

The only insight I have is that you must be the one to go full NC. You must block and delete him in all communications. From my experience, the MM will never have the strength to do it. ( With the exception of the affair being in the open, which I don’t think yours is.) He will ping pong between wanting to be with his wife and wanting to be with you.

 

Please go NC. It’s hard.... so hard. But worth it. You will regain your sense of value and respect. A sense of calm and peace.

 

You can do this!!’ Big hugs my friend!!!

[heartwhole2]

.....

 

I have looked for happy endings on this forum (not the kind where the WS is now with the AP), but where they moved on to find an even better love....the kind they had with the MOM and never thought they could find again. Sigh, those are hard to find, but I have seen a few.

 

Hi Dazey, thank you for the lovely compliment.

 

I wanted to reply to this statement. I believe that happiness is the result of practicing gratitude and being at peace with yourself. And when you have that and you're in a relationship with a person in a similar place, then yes, it's a happy union. But it's based on the perspective that you bring to it.

 

Of course, a different person will come with different habits and hobbies and all of that. Life with them would naturally be a little different than what you had/dreamed of having with your xMM. And that's OK. If you are blessed to fall in love more than once in your life, then you accept that this means some things will be different.

 

My husband went into the affair thinking that a different person could make him happy because he didn't realize that his happiness was his responsibility, and more than that, that the more he focused on being a healthier person and contributing to the happiness of others, the more he would be happy himself. Today he is grateful and joyful even though he is focusing much less on making himself happy (during the affair he ramped up all his hobbies and time going out because he was believing the fallacy that happiness only happens when you're selfish).

 

The good news is that we are wired to be attracted to others, to fall in love and to bond. So you will not have trouble replicating that a dozen times over in your life. The problem is when you pick an unsuitable person to develop that bond with, someone unhealthy who will only you mire you in dysfunction. And then your wiring says, "This is my person, I have to stick it out!" when really it would be better to be alone than to be in an unhealthy relationship.

 

I do think you are capable of a great love story, just like my husband and I could both have one with other people as well. When you are full of joy and peace and gratitude, that spills over to those around you. Similar people will be attracted to you like a magnet, and if there's a little spark of attraction too . . .

 

If you find yourself thinking, "Here's this wonderful man who wants to love me but I'm not hot and heavy for him like I was for xMM," then that may be because affairs make things so much more exciting and passionate. I do think that attraction is important, but you will not be able to recreate the excitement caused by the illicit nature of affairs in a non-affair setting. Of course, that's also part of our wiring. Once we secure our mate and produce our offspring, we're much less likely to be in heat all the time. And that's OK too.

 

Take heart. The world is full of many people with loving hearts. You may be single sometimes when you wish you weren't, but I have no doubt that if you are open to love, it will find you in time.

[notmyfinestmoment]

Thank you Heartwhole..again, you have been on the other side of the fence and I appreciate your insight. It makes me really think of his wife. Also, everything you say seems to be him to a tee!

 

I think you hit the nail on the head. He said he had been feeling unhappy for some time. He tried moving, taking different jobs, etc.. After meeting me, he concluded that he is unhappily married. I tried to explain that marriages go through luls. When he had initially told me how he felt about me, I even said maybe you are just reaching out for something and asked if I just happen to be the person in front of him while he is going through all of this (he insists not...saying I am the best person he has ever met and that I have opened his eyes to a lot of things). After we spoke last week, had said that he has been dealing with our time apart by keeping busy with chores and hobbies to avoid what is going on at home (i.e. still focusing on himself). So I'm not sure if he is even tackling the issues he is having with his marriage or if he is just burying his head in the sand. I guess that is easier to do with no D-day. He hasn't found his way to be greatful and joyful and is still focusing on himself. So I am guessing he will continue to stay in the cycle.

 

When I miss him, I think of so much more than the passion. Last night when I was out, I was talking to someone and I was joking around (he and I had the same sense of humor which is why we were always laughing, except when he was breaking my heart flip-flopping), and that moment just made me sad because I thought of how much he would have been laughing and the person in front of me wasn't.

 

All I can do is focus on my recovery. I am very hopeful to love again (the proper way).

Edited July 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[notmyfinestmoment]

....The only insight I have is that you must be the one to go full NC. You must block and delete him in all communications. From my experience, the MM will never have the strength to do it. ( With the exception of the affair being in the open, which I don’t think yours is.) He will ping pong between wanting to be with his wife and wanting to be with you.

 

Thank you so much for the encouragement. Your ping-pong analysis is exactly what he has been doing (there was no d-day for us). I can tell you it was a HUGE thing for me not to respond to that last IM from him. That was almost a week ago and while I feel sad, I know that we can't be friends, there is no way for us to move forward, and we can't talk anymore. I love him, I miss him, but I know we have to be no contact and I think he gets that now too.

[Lurker123]

....When I miss him, I think of so much more than the passion. Last night when I was out, I was talking to someone and I was joking around (he and I had the same sense of humor which is why we were always laughing, except when he was breaking my heart flip-flopping), and that moment just made me sad because I thought of how much he would have been laughing and the person in front of me wasn't.

I get this so much Dazey. When you have that connection with someone it’s impossible to find it with someone else. Well it probably seems impossible at the moment given our hearts lay elsewhere. All you can think about is them and you end up comparing everyone to them. It’s so ridiculous. You sound like a lovely lady with loads to give and I feel so sad that you are in this position, when actually you probably could give all this love to someone who would reciprocate it entirely. Do you think you will hear from MM again? You were so brave not to reply to his last message. I can imagine that has thrown him completely.

 

HeartWhole- what an amazing woman you are. It’s so brave of you to give advice to all OW when you were in the opposite position. Like Dazey said- it really does make you think about the wife and the fact that they are a person with feelings and are a part of this situation as well. It’s so easy to block that out when you don’t know that person and they feel like the reason that you can’t be with MM, even though he is rightfully theirs. I have a lot of respect and admire you completely x

Edited July 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[notmyfinestmoment]

I'm not sure what he thinks. Maybe he didn't expect a response, maybe he is mad that I didn't respond, maybe he is thinking I am mad and is staying away, maybe he knows how much it hurt me and is just trying to let me go. It could be any of those things. I do know that we have never not been in contact this long, so there is something to be said for that. As for if I think he will contact me again.... If he did, I don't think it would be to re-engage because he knows I won't. And I don't think it would be to re-start our friendship because we have never been able to stay just friends. If anything, if he ever does say something to me, it will be in the form of an apology for all he put me through. There is always the possibility that he may never say anything again. I do know that I am at a place where I can live where it was left (that is important to me, that his last memory of me will be a peaceful one).

 

 

You should watch the video and listen to the lyrics for the song by Lady Antelbelum "What If I Never Get Over You". Hits really close to home!

Edited July 7, 2019 by dazey72

[Hope71]

Hi Dazey I’m a new poster. I just read your thread. Wishing you the best. I totally get how you’re feeling.

 

I listened to that Lady A song...awesome.

Keith Anderson “I still Miss you” ..and Sugarland “Stay” are good too.

Gotta watch the video for Stay though...gut wrenching.

[Beentheretoooften]

@Beenthere - That is what scares me too. I went out with some friends tonight and there was a really nice single guy who was interested in me and I really tried to socialize with him, but there was no connection on my end. All i could think of was HIM. I can't imagine kissing or laying next to anyone else at this point...is is WAY too soon (but I know I am being foolish, because he lays next to his wife every). My girlfriends had asked if I had heard from him (since that last IM) and I said no. One of them said, when a man loves a woman, he pursues her. He wouldn't be ok with you going dark on him. I told her that as far as I was concerned, the IM from him was a goodbye. And maybe if he does love me, he knows to just leave me alone because he knows it can't go anywhere. It kind of made me think of your situation. You are leaving your xAP alone because you know it can't go anywhere.

 

I didn't get to see that post about the poster's cousin passing (must have already been removed), can you tell me what it said and what the reason was with your AP?

 

What a great idea to go out with friends, and even better that you were actually able to socialize. Sometimes just going through the motions is a good first start. I’m baffled as to how my single AP, moved Into a new relationship with virtually no break. Although she has been preparing likely, AND, we both knew this day would eventually get here. But it still hurts the same. I just reread your post and noticed for the first time it written as xAP. I still can’t believe it. It doesn’t make any sort of sense that I can grasp. I was able to keep busy over the last 24-36 hours, and actually had a lot of hours not even thinking of her. but now i am back to thinking about her nonstop. I hope today was ok for you. I was actually thinking about how you were doing while on my run this morning. How disturbing is that.

[Beentheretoooften]

{snip} I do think you are capable of a great love story, just like my husband and I could both have one with other people as well. When you are full of joy and peace and gratitude, that spills over to those around you. Similar people will be attracted to you like a magnet, and if there's a little spark of attraction too . . .

 

If you find yourself thinking, "Here's this wonderful man who wants to love me but I'm not hot and heavy for him like I was for xMM," then that may be because affairs make things so much more exciting and passionate. I do think that attraction is important, but you will not be able to recreate the excitement caused by the illicit nature of affairs in a non-affair setting. Of course, that's also part of our wiring. Once we secure our mate and produce our offspring, we're much less likely to be in heat all the time. And that's OK too.

 

Take heart. The world is full of many people with loving hearts. You may be single sometimes when you wish you weren't, but I have no doubt that if you are open to love, it will find you in time.

 

I absolutely love this response. The happiness will be different, but you have to try and just let go of the negative, and take the rest to grow. I don’t believe the feelings can be as Intense when you are in A, but can still be something very special. But we want what we can’t have, right? A friend of mine just sent me a book, the gifts of imperfection. It’s a must read. Just the preface made me shed a tear. I also want to thank everyone for there thoughtful posts. I read them throughout the day. I feel for everyone. I wish strength to those that need it. It’s so hard.

Edited July 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[notmyfinestmoment]

@Hope71 - Thanks for the encouraging words and welcome to the forum. I will check those songs out!

 

@Beenthere - I wish I could say it was my idea to go out. My friends really pushed me. They know I am struggling with this. I was doing some work tonight (preparing for tomorrow) and I just sat here in tears. The finality of it all is really sinking in. I know I need to get through this part, but DAMN!

 

Not disturbing that we all think of each other on here. No matter what side of the fence everyone is on, we are all going through the loss. We can all empathize. I wonder how everyone is doing on here too!

 

If you and your xAP are in NC, you probably don't know what she is doing at this point (she may not even be in a relationship). Maybe she forced herself so that she could get some distance. Hard to do though when you still have all of those feelings. I wish I could flip a switch and move on, but my normal MO is that that I take time in between relationships. I don't think it would be fair for me to date anyone at this point because I am still in love with someone else. I need some time to heal. That is just me though.

 

I know you said that you haven't been in contact for several months and still think about her a lot. I know you said that you love your family and can not move forward with the AP. What do you think about when you thinking about her? The good times? What could have been? Or is it something else? Do you think she will contact you again?

[spiritedaway2003]

@Beenthere - I wish I could say it was my idea to go out. My friends really pushed me. They know I am struggling with this. I was doing some work tonight (preparing for tomorrow) and I just sat here in tears. The finality of it all is really sinking in. I know I need to get through this part, but DAMN!

 

I'd say take your time with dating again. I keep myself distracted to go into the deep, but the ache of missing him is just . Not doing so well this morning, but I'm going to focus on things I need to do. I tried online app dating shortly to see if I can move on, and then I realized, that's not me. I can't do it yet when my heart is with someone else. You can't rush through it. You'll know when you know.

 

One thing I had been thinking of is that if I'm feeling so much pain and I've only known him for x time; the devastation caused to his family must be Y times worse. That just kills me too.

 

Also, a more general question: I've never been married but marrying someone is a big deal. So, one thing that's been on my back on my mind: If you say that you've never felt that way before for your AP/MM/MW, have you not ever feel that way for your spouse/ ex-spouse the way you do for AP? What's different?

[notmyfinestmoment]

Hi Spirited....

I am sorry you are having a rough morning. One of these days, we are going to wake up and not feel the heartache. Seems like a long time from now though, doesn't it?

I am the same way as you are, I just can't jump to someone else. There are still too many feelings for him. When you love someone, how do you just turn it off?

 

I haven't had to go through a D-Day, so I can only imagine what that must be like for you. They are all going through a lot right now and I'm sure that must hurt even more than just dealing with the loss of your relationship with him. Can I ask how it was discovered? Also, how long has it been since you have gone NC?

 

My EH was not the right person for me. Prior to him I dated someone who was fun, but not the most responsible. After him, I wanted someone more responsible/career focused. The pendulum swung too far the other way! We weren't compatible at all...and he had a bad temper to boot. Lots of red flags before we got married but I ignored every single one of them. We were only married 6 years. We did have 3 kids though. And for that, I would never regret it because they are such great kids! I have been divorced for 10 years. So no, I never had this level of compatibility/chemistry with anyone including my ex-spouse. That is why I am really struggling with it being over. He also said that he had never felt this way about anyone, including when he met his wife. He also had a similar situation where he had dated someone crazy and met his wife who was very responsible/safe, but not necessarily compatible in many ways. My ex is not that great of a person, his wife seems like she is. My marriage was not good, so I do not have any regrets about it being over. His marriage seems pretty good, they get along (with the exception of me). So, I'm sure he would have a lot of regret if he had left.

[Beentheretoooften]

What do you think about when you thinking about her? The good times? What could have been? Or is it something else? Do you think she will contact you again?

 

@Dazey. Even though it wasn’t your idea to go out, it seems like you have people that know what you need and are trying to help you. That’s really wonderful. I hope this week gets a tad easier for you. I felt like each week was a little better, although I feel stagnant the last few. My gut is that AP will end up, long term, with current relationship. I am full NC, but have this gut feeling that AP will do whatever it takes to make this work. But as you said, I really don’t know. And that’s when my mind wanders. If they weren’t still together I think she would reach out. Maybe.

When I think about her, sometimes it’s the smallest most ridiculous thing that her and I laughed about for days. Sometimes it’s certain times we were Intimate. Sometimes it’s specific serious conversations we have had. We were so in sync it was scary. Then, of course it makes its way to could it have worked. Could we make it work. Would the value be worth it. There is no easy answer from my head and heart. But what I go by is the raw information that I have. The statistics. I think about having a second family. And it’s too much. The excuses I see here, about splitting the assets, never seeing your kids, those things are not a consideration for me. What it all boils down to, is that I can’t take a 1% risk that the spirited mentioned. I think it was spirited. Finally, because of the unique situation that surrounds us, and how/where we met, I do believe at some point, somewhere down the line, AP will reach out. I know it would hurt both of us.

[Beentheretoooften]

I've never been married but marrying someone is a big deal. So, one thing that's been on my back on my mind: If you say that you've never felt that way before for your AP/MM/MW, have you not ever feel that way for your spouse/ ex-spouse the way you do for AP? What's different?

 

This is a great question. Something IC talked to me about. I think for me, at that time, I did feel that way. HOWEVER, in a normal relationshipship, that feeling goes away rather quickly. As short as a few months to maybe, maybe a year or so. In my case with AP, after 10 years, I can still say I have never felt this way about somebody. It’s just different when it’s a secret. Every time i saw her, it was like the first time. Every time. It’s hard to explain, but everyone that’s had that feeling KNOWS exactly what I’m talking about. It’s the most incredible indescribable feeling ever.