The Vacillating Is SO Real!

[elaine567]

I’m baffled as to how my single AP, moved Into a new relationship with virtually no break. Although she has been preparing likely, AND, we both knew this day would eventually get here.

 

I guess because you are both viewing this split from a different perspective.

 

You are going back to an unsatisfactory marriage, which is no doubt depressing for you and making you miss her more.

Whereas for her, her new found freedom has meant a new lover accompanied by excitement and no doubt joy.

 

You will look back on these ten years with affection, she on reflection may feel you stole her youth...

You need to stop wallowing and appreciate what you have, not grieve for someone you strung along for 10 long years. Had she been that important to you you would have treated her better, not used her for your own selfish needs...

Face facts had you loved her you would have left your wife for her and truth is she may now in fact deep down hate you for wasting so much of her time, so stop romanticising and get your life back on track.

[notmyfinestmoment]

I guess because you are both viewing this split from a different perspective. You are going back to an unsatisfactory marriage, which is no doubt depressing for you and making you miss her more. Whereas for her, her new found freedom has meant a new lover accompanied by excitement and no doubt joy.

 

 

There is some truth to this. He doesn't have the anger towards her that she may have towards him. I know I go from feeling sad to mad. While I have amazing memories when I am sad that I am reflecting on, I also have moments of anger towards him because I kept trying to push him away (trying to save myself) only for him to keep coming back only to follow it up with indecision. I ended things very nicely, but how he handled things can get upsetting to me (and he has no idea I feel that way). So there is an element that she may have that he doesn't. I almost envy her for the fact that she was able to move on so quickly. I wish I could do that.

[Beentheretoooften]

I don’t even know how to respond. I know some of these things are true that are being said. I also know some that are just so far from the truth. But to be fair, the intricate details of mine and others A’s are just not fully known, and they are all so different yet have the same basic theme. You used the word hate, so right there, to me, you just don’t know. And that’s ok. Tbh, I feel a bit worse now, but I’ll be ok. You’re right about just getting over it and getting back on my track. I just felt the need to share part of my story, face it, and get some compassion and truthful advice which I have received.

[notmyfinestmoment]

@Beenthere....

 

I'm sorry you are feeling worse, please don't! No one knows your situation like you do. PERIOD! You know your truth. We all just have "cheap seats" into each other's lives. But you are right, the theme is the same. We loved someone, wanted to be with them, but just can't. That is where we all come together in one form or another.

 

As much as sometimes the situation is upsetting to me (when I think of how he handled it), I could never hate him. I truly love him...I think I always will. She loves you, you know that. You don't spend 10 years with someone and not love them. I was just saying that he has no idea that sometimes my mind does wander and gets upset because I wish he wouldn't have pulled me back in and I don't think I would ever tell him that. I have some accountability too....when he would come back, I could have said no, but my love him would override everything else. That part is on me.

 

 

Maybe she is forcing herself to move on....I know that is what I am doing. I won't reach out to him again, but not because I don't want to. I want to...several times a day. But I know that without telling me, he made his choice and I am just trying to do the right thing (one awful day at a time). Just curious, (and I know you or I might get blasted by other posters), what if she came to you and said I love you, I want to be with you, can we make this work? What would you do??

Edited July 8, 2019 by dazey72

[Naivewomen]

@beenthere,

 

I know exactly the feeling you are referring too!! It an intoxicating experience and one that can NEVER be duplicated with another! A very rare experience. I know ALL about how you feel for her and I can relate. She thinks about you everyday trust me!!

Cant wait for you to get PM access.

 

@Dazey, I have been completly NC on my end since last August. He has since reached out several times. He and I do not discuss ever restarting this again. For me, it was very painful, ruining my marriage and after 5 years causing more sadness than happiness. I think we r both just trying to process the end. I guess the words goodbye werent enough. I know what I have to do now and it's to completely change my focus and energy away from XMM and onto my H and family. One day at a time things do get easier. I never believed anyone on this thread but they are right. Time heals many wounds and it's still a process but I no longer feel so entangled in the mess!

I wish you ALL peaceful joyful days ahead.

Edited July 8, 2019 by Naivewomen

[Beentheretoooften]

@beenthere,

 

I know exactly the feeling you are referring too!! It an intoxicating experience and one that can NEVER be duplicated with another! A very rare experience. I know ALL about how you feel for her and I can relate. She thinks about you everyday trust me!!.

 

I went back yet again and read the first 4-5 pages of your story (I will finish but there are just so many and I always forget where I left off). So it’s no wonder you totally get me. Sometimes, I want to just feel better than have the truth. But I also need the balance of being put in my place. These last 3-4 posts have made me feel again like people care. So thank you, and I hope you’re right about AP still thinking about me. Deep down I know she does.

 

@dazey. Sometimes in our serious talks, she would say quite often, I don’t know why we can’t just run away and be together. I know at any point she would have if I had just said let’s go. Now that I don’t have her...I would answer the same way. But it’s harder now, because we(She) can’t console each other (me). And hug each other. And just make that pain go away instantly. We had this ability to go from high emotional alert, to just outright laughter. Because we got each other.

[spiritedaway2003]

@dazey72: Me too. Well meaning people might suggest meeting other people, but I can't flip a switch like that either. I'm not quite ready to share how D day happened, though I wish I could have spared his family the pain. We've accepted that these things have a way to coming out, so it's better this way. I know now that our break-up wouldn't have worked. We were like magnets drawn to each other. It would have just escalated into a full blown A. At least now, there's no more to hide and he could work on the real issues.

 

You've said it before, but most MM stay where they are once they see the devastation. I think that's what will happen here. I owned up to my part; he apologized for what he put me through (which is hellish; but I still love him). I think we are both disciplined enough to stick to NC, which started in July. NC will help me heal and give him and his family the chance to sort things out. It's the only decent thing I could do after the mess. I am starting to accept where things are.

 

@beentheretoooften: It wasn't me who quoted the stats, but I know how dismal the numbers look. I will say this: If we both decide to give "us" a try, I'd take a gamble for love, stats be damned. I know the odds are stacked against us, but I'd be willing risk it all for him. For us. (Of course, he doesn't know this).

 

I'm sorry for what you're going through. (((HUGS))) You have to know that your AP loves you so very much. No one in their right mind would stay in the AP relationship for 10 years unless she really loves you, so take solace in that.

 

I know that Elaine's perspective may be harder to absorb, but the truth is rather calming, too. If I had been involved with someone for 10 years with no ending in sight and a new budding romance comes along, the excitement, hope and love of the new relationship would feel better than one where I know I'm always second best. I'd think, "If you really wanted to be with me, you had your chance...in those 10 years."

 

Not that there isn't love. But she's finding the strength to move on, just like we are. It's hard to let go, and that's why we're here. We know. I hope she find that happiness too.

 

One more thing about those stats - I know it's dismal, but I wouldn't use those stats as a reason for not pursuing someone I love. It is still an excuse, though it's a legitimate fear. There might be other reasons for not pursuing a relationship, but those stats alone itself would not stop me diving in head first and taking a chance with someone I truly love.

[Beentheretoooften]

@spirited. It’s post like yours that I’m so happy I decided to share parts of my story. It gives me strength, courage and hope. So I thank you, thank you. This was wonderful to read tonight, and boy did I need it today.

[notmyfinestmoment]

Just wanted to post a quick update...

 

We ran into each other on the way into work yesterday. We talked briefly and decided to meet after work to clear the air since I hadn't said anything since the last text a week ago. We just walked around talking....talking about the sadness and the disappointment (the push-pull) and reflected over our time together and how we got here. He acknowledged how unfair this has been to me. He talked about what he struggles with (loves me and the people that count on him and vacillates between the two....worried he will miss out the best thing that has happened to him vs how it will affect the people he loves). I talked honestly about the different thoughts I have been struggling with. After all the talking, I looked him in the eyes, told him that I'm not angry, that I love him (always will) and I understand. I told him that I hope he finds peace with his life (after talking with him, I know he has a lot of work ahead of him). We both just stared at each other with tears in our eyes. We hugged and said our goodbye. It was peaceful and while it may not be popular with some posters, I am glad I did that. Sitting with that silence between he and I was just eating at me. I am glad we talked in person vs. texting.

 

I needed that kind of goodbye...the kind where there are no questions looming. The kind where it is peaceful and loving. I hope it makes letting go easier.

[BTDT2012]

I hope you cut off all contact now.

[Hope71]

Ilove now posters just say “ I hope you cut off all contact now”...lol as if saying that just makes it magically easier!! Gee maybe we wouldn’t be here if it worked that way!!

 

Dazey I completely understand how you feel...I get it. If MM punched you in the face when he saw you..yeah, run!!!! This is/ was someone you fell for n love with, right or wrong....if this gives YOU closure and helps YOU then I’m all for it.

 

Are you doing anything else yo help you besides LS? Make sure you’re doing self care stuff. Get out and be around people...especially people who care about you outside of the affair. You need to start breaking that bubble.

 

Hugs xoxo xoxo

[elaine567]

It was peaceful and while it may not be popular with some posters, I am glad I did that.

It will not be popular because you just opened the door for more of the same...

You feel so much better as you just got your "fix"...

[Orokotikki]

They don't say it because its easy, they say it because it works.

 

For example, leaving them access to see your FB posts of fun with the new guy also can just be used down the road to allay BS suspicion and more importantly make AP jealous to goad them into trying to reel you back.

 

Because it works, and has been seen to work, many posters try to frame it and explain it in different ways.

 

Over and over, the same thing is suggested and rejected out of hand, even though it is the thing that worked.

 

I hoped for some magical supplement to work for my weight loss.

But the only thing that worked was what I had been told over and over - diet and exercise.

 

I wanted the patch or pill or gum or cutting back to help me quit smoking. But the only thing that really worked was what I was told over and over - quit cold turkey, support and accountability.

 

Anyways best of luck to you both.

[Naivewomen]

@dazey,

The same ending happened to me, while it does feel peaceful and with love, you will still crave for something again and again. It's a major addiction but please continue to hold your power and self worth now and never land in the bedroom with him again. It's your only way to self worth. He may even understand how you felt mistreated but I can tell you that he is hoping to have and continue the experience with you again. You must close that box. He doesnt deserve you!

[spiritedaway2003]

Just wanted to post a quick update...

I needed that kind of goodbye...the kind where there are no questions looming. The kind where it is peaceful and loving. I hope it makes letting go easier.

 

@dazey. It's not popular thing to have done, but people mean well. I don't judge you for that at all; you've got to do what's right for you. Personally, it wouldn't sit well with me to have an open-ended text hanging out like that. I cringed a little when I read your update, though, because that had also happened with me. You will still crave for it in some ways. You need to be wary that he will very likely come back to you again. You have to be very careful of that.

 

In my case, I am grateful that we talked and ended things in a loving and understanding way, especially after the fallout from D day. My MM shielded me as much as possible, even though things were so hard on him too. By its very definition, an affair is a love triangle -- it's got one extra person in it so you can never really get closure. Closure has to come from within. Having some semblance of peaceful closure helps going into NC. You have to be careful not to open up Pandora's box over and over again. It's best not to continue these types of conversation...unless he decide to divorce and be with you and you still want to be with him at that point. (Sometimes I honesty know if I would have the strength to resist if he reaches out).

 

I'm sorry to say...it still doesn't make letting go easier. Thanks for sharing the update and hugs.

[notmyfinestmoment]

Just wanted to update. When I look back at my last post a month ago, I sounded so certain, but alas, I had stumbled down the rabbit hole yet again.

 

Long story short, we started talking again for a couple of weeks, and started getting very close again (probably the strongest feelings we had felt towards each other). But then I quickly realized I can't do it. I told him that I can't be this girl. I asked him if this is the strongest he has felt towards me, he said yes and asked me the same question. I said yes. Then I said, ok, would you be able to share me with someone else? His response was "no, I couldn't do it". Then I said "why would you expect me to". I told him the easiest path for him is to continue on with his marriage (fix it). He said that just because that was the easiest thing, doesn't mean it is the right thing. I told him that I am a nobody in his life to anyone that matters to him....and said I want to more than to be "somebody's nobody". He tried to tell me that I was everything to him, but I just can't believe that based on his actions. I told him the only way he can move forward is for us to never contact/see each other again. We both cried, knowing what needed to be done even though we both love each other.

 

Different than last time? I think so! I went on vacation with my kids a week ago and posted a few pictures. He sent me a note saying that he was getting off of social media because it is too hard to sit back and watch me. He has never disengaged in the past, but I think seeing what all of this is doing to me and knowing he is the one inflicting it has made him realize that he can't keep doing this. That is the last time I have talked to him.....almost 2 weeks ago. I am not going to lie, it hurts so bad, but I couldn't keep going. I want/need so much more.

 

So there it is, my pathetic update. I want so badly to get to a place of indifference. I wish I knew how long that will take (weeks, months?). In the meantime, I am just going to keep forging through as painful as it is.

[elaine567]

... I went on vacation with my kids a week ago and posted a few pictures. He sent me a note saying that he was getting off of social media because it is too hard to sit back and watch me. He has never disengaged in the past, but I think seeing what all of this is doing to me and knowing he is the one inflicting it has made him realize that he can't keep doing this.

He could have just stopped watching your pages, silently come off SM or blocked you but no, he decided to send you a breadcrumb...

"Hey Dazey I am over here!"

He has realised nothing...

[Naivewomen]

I agree with Elaine here. He had no reason at all to mention that he was closing down SM. He is still looking for a reaction from you. He wants you too believe this is a truly sad love story. Don't give him that power! His time is right now, right here, right at this moment and if he will not leave his wife for you than you have all of the answers that you need!! He wants you to continue believing in this fantasy world. Its manipulation at its finest. Please continue to find the strength to move on!! Moving on requires a great deal of strength and it's easier and more fulfilling to give up and get your fix becasue of your cravings for him. It's a never ending cycle of emotions but you have to fight through. Fight through it for the sake of your children. He simply doesnt care if this is hurting you. He cares more because you see outside of the bubble and he wants you to remain in that bubble!!!

 

Sending you hugs and strength. As time goes I you will see it much clearer.

[mark clemson]

So there it is, my pathetic update. I want so badly to get to a place of indifference. I wish I knew how long that will take (weeks, months?). In the meantime, I am just going to keep forging through as painful as it is.

 

 

Many folks have setbacks. It will be months at a minimum, but now you know the setbacks just make it worse.

 

There are some ways to help ease the distress somewhat. You've been around a while and I'm sure have seen the advice of various posters. Hope you are putting some of that into practice. Better times with less distress ARE ahead, it just takes much longer than we'd like to get there.

[notmyfinestmoment]

His timing for that declaration was horrible, that is for sure (at the beginning of my trip). I am inclined to think that seeing my post upset him somehow (which was confusing to me because the pictures and videos were just of me, my kids, and my family that we were visiting. But before I left is when I told him that we shouldn't talk/see each other anymore in order for him to move forward, so I guess he was just following through.

 

I have been reading so much on this forum for the last 3 months. It is filled with great advice and cautionary tales. While you may know what the right thing to do in your head is, the heart certainly makes things hard to follow through. I feel confident (I know, famous last words) that this will stick this time. While time together felt so good, the time apart (which was the majority) has increasingly become too much to deal with especially with how strong the feelings have grown.

[karmaisabitotch]

His timing for that declaration was horrible, that is for sure (at the beginning of my trip). I am inclined to think that seeing my post upset him somehow (which was confusing to me because the pictures and videos were just of me, my kids, and my family that we were visiting. But before I left is when I told him that we shouldn't talk/see each other anymore in order for him to move forward, so I guess he was just following through.

 

 

 

He's upset because seeing those pictures and videos of you and your family on vacation which made him thinking that you have moved on and it hurts his ego big time. He may expect you to be crying, or texting him that you missed him and it was a mistake to call off the A, not instead of seeing you on vacation with your family having a good time.

 

He told you that he'd be off SM to "alert" you that you should pay attention to him because he's sad now (ugh).

 

 

He will contact you again (trust me) unless you ignore all his calls and messages next time and he will be gone for good, otherwise you will be heard from him again and again and the pain cycles will be continued.

 

 

Take care of yourself dear *hug*

[notmyfinestmoment]

I keep pouring through the threads of what one feels during NC, and I know what to expect at this point, but the sadness is overwhelming me.

 

While I have pushed back on him several times in our 10 months together, he has never been able to stick to it. We have been strict NC for two weeks (a first for us). It hurt being together and it hurts being apart. I guess in my head when we were together, I would think walking away would be better than dealing with this pain. Now that it is final, it almost feels like being together was better than the pain of being apart. I know that is just my mind/heart playing tricks on me.

 

I know all of these feelings are normal, but damn, I didn't expect this level of hurt. I know it was the right decision, but it is so hard to keep that perspective when I have never had a relationship end like this. Every time I had broken up with someone before (including my divorce), I was ready for it to end (things weren't going well, didn't feel the same way, etc.). But that wasn't the case with him. I wasn't ready for it to be over (my feelings for him only kept getting stronger), but I needed it to be over for my own self-preservation. I only wish I could remember that in my head/heart when I cry every day.

 

Sorry for the vent....I just can't seem to self-soother. Just missing my love/my friend. And do not worry, I will not contact him.

[mark clemson]

You have to wait it out. Suggest you use some of the techniques mentioned in various threads to help ease the distress. They only make it more bearable, they don't by any means take it away, but every little bit helps while you are waiting it out/going through it.

[InvisibleLady]

Now that it is final, it almost feels like being together was better than the pain of being apart.

Hi Dazey. The difference is the pain of being apart is temporary (albeit long and difficult) but the pain of staying in the affair has no end until/if he has a D-day and ghosts you. That pain is much much worse.

 

These A relationships, unlike the 'real' relationships you've had, never get to come to a natural ending. It ends while feelings and emotions are still strong. That's also why the temptation to go back or seek closure is so common on these threads. It feels unfinished. YOU have to just decide it IS finished.

 

Stay busy, work out, go out...etc

 

I am sorry you are hurting. It gets better. Keep going, two weeks is awesome!!

Edited August 15, 2019 by InvisibleLady

[BlindsidedTwice]

It hurt being together and it hurts being apart. I guess in my head when we were together, I would think walking away would be better than dealing with this pain.

 

You are so strong for walking away. It is the best possible decision for your life.

 

My A ended after some sort of DDay, so I didn’t even have the self respect to leave for myself. I’m at 3.5 weeks of NC and it’s already getting sliiiightly easier. Journaling, exercise, reading advice on here - it all helps. When memories creep up in my mind, I literally picture myself walking into woods that are dark and scary, then I picture myself stopping in my tracks and turning around back out of the woods. Once I’m out of the woods, I can search for a clean honest happy feeling to go to. Having a visual helps a lot too.

 

I’m sorry you are hurting. You are strong and determined and you will come out better at the end of this.

Edited August 15, 2019 by BlindsidedTwice