The Vacillating Is SO Real!

[notmyfinestmoment]

A quick update and support needed...

 

I am now at 4 weeks of NC. I wish I could say it has gotten easier, but the truth is I feel worse than I did 2 weeks ago. I'm sure that is part of the coming to terms that it is finally over. I continue to hope that things will start to get better. Time is no friend of mine right now.

 

Today is his 40th Birthday. I feel a lot of guilt and sadness being silent (not wishing him a Happy Birthday). He mattered to me and still does. But, I know the ramifications of breaking NC. Just looking for some words of encouragement to get through this day (it's already been an emotional one).

[BlindsidedTwice]

I am now at 4 weeks of NC. I wish I could say it has gotten easier, but the truth is I feel worse than I did 2 weeks ago. I'm sure that is part of the coming to terms that it is finally over. I continue to hope that things will start to get better. Time is no friend of mine right now.

 

Today is his 40th Birthday. I feel a lot of guilt and sadness being silent (not wishing him a Happy Birthday). He mattered to me and still does. But, I know the ramifications of breaking NC. Just looking for some words of encouragement to get through this day (it's already been an emotional one).

 

 

Congrats on getting to 4 weeks of NC! As many people have said, progress isn't linear, which is why you may feel worse than 2 weeks ago. Things WILL start to get better. Just because it's not linear doesn't mean it has to be stagnant. Your general growth is still moving up and forward.

 

Try to remember that today, his birthday, is just another day. It has the same amount of time in it as any of these other NC days that you have survived. If you are able to, try to do something for yourself today! Get your nails done, or go for a run, or retail therapy, or whatever makes you feel good.

 

Hope you are able to find those feel good moments today. And if not, tomorrow will be here before you know it.

[DKT3]

NC is a catch 22, really. See in a normal relationship, when it goes bad the other person is there while you grieve the end, there to reinforce just why the relationship is bad.

 

In affairs they aren't there, so you get stuck focusing on the highlights and all the things that prevented from working the way you wanted.

 

Now add in nc, and those questions and reasons eat at you. Really it's not the person that you miss, the reality is most people in affairs really don't know the affair partner, not in a real world light, you miss the possibilities. It's hard to give up on possibilities so NC is difficult. I believe convincing yourself that the possibilities were actually poor goes a long way to making nc easier.

[Allupinnit]

Congrats on maintaining NC!!

 

Just remember when you want to reach out to him today that he's likely spending his birthday with his wife and daughter. Imagine that she's got something special planned for him today. Maybe a night together out somewhere in a hotel. Maybe they've got Labor Day plans as a family. I don't say this to hurt you further, but just to drive home that while you're wanting to reach out, he's probably going about his life as usual as a married man turning 40. Maintain your dignity and stay away.

[InvisibleLady]

Today is his 40th Birthday. I feel a lot of guilt and sadness being silent (not wishing him a Happy Birthday). He mattered to me and still does. But, I know the ramifications of breaking NC.

Hi Dazey,

It is birthdays and holidays that make NC hard. In our humanness, we want to wish someone well on their special day. Here are some reasons to help reaffirm your decision NOT to reach out:

1) NC starts over, back to day 1

2) He may not reply. That's a BIG set back in your recovery. He may reply... BIGGER set back to moving on.

AND

3) If you think about it, we get birthday wishes from many people (due to social media and cell phones), but it's often the ones who DIDN'T wish us well that stand out, especially when it's expected. Let your silence be heard LOUD & CLEAR!

Congrats on FOUR weeks - you'll now be counting months!!

Edited August 29, 2019 by InvisibleLady

[Abetterme]

Hi Dazey - I don’t really have any additional words of wisdom, I love what others have offered as guidance. DKTs message rang very true and I encourage you to put it in your notes and refer back.

 

I just wanted to send you, and others some encouragement, that you are doing the right thing staying firm. You’re doing well! Stay the course - you know what happens when you don’t. The day is nearly done! Thinking of you.

[Lurker123]

Hey Dazey. Hope you managed to get through the birthday day- I can imagine it was tough. Just wanted to say you are doing amazingly going NC for so long. Although I know you say each day gets harder rather than easier, I think what you have to remember is that each day that passes takes you a day further from the pain and hurt that you felt during the A. You have said yourself ‘no new contact means no new pain’ and that is SO true. MM could not offer you what you need, which is true happiness and a relationship that is worthy of your time and efforts. I always think that the sad fact is that our fate was in their hands, we are here waiting for them, the choice is completely down to them about our whole lives and futures and it seems so unfair. They have the choice to leave. We don’t have that choice, but by maintaining the NC you are fighting back and taking control of your life once more. Stay strong! You are worth so much more than this I promise you that x

[JessicaJones]

Hi Dazey,

 

Just wanted to say that reading your post has really helped me.

 

I am going through it over here too. But like BlindsidedTwice, I didn’t leave for myself either. It was decided for me.

 

I am on about week 2 of NC, but had a glitch this week, and am now back to the beginning of NC again.

 

It is his Birthday in 10 days, and mine just after. So I will be in the same boat as you. Any tips?

[gettinoverit]

Hey Dazey! How's it going now? If you managed to stay NC you're going to be at about 6 weeks now! Feeling any better??! This is post #41! So only 9 more before we can start chatting and honestly the more I read the more I feel we are in such similar situations (along with Spirited and a few others!) and we can all really help each other get through all this.

 

I have literally just spent the morning reading this entire thread end to end. So much good advice, and it helps so much - so thanks! I have had some setbacks. Don't beat yourself up too much about them. I'm trying to see them as all part of the process, and it's the mental place we are in, and our ability to see through it all and continue heading in the right direction overall that is more important than one or two or five setbacks!

 

I met my MM yesterday. Some bad stuff had happened the day before. Not between him and me, but me and a friend had a bad experience when we tried to go out for a quiet drink and got hassled by some very drunk men who wouldn't leave us alone. Someone stepped in to help us and a fight broke out. It was awful. He heard about it all, and got in touch, concerned. We met very briefly and I explained it all, and we are fine. But quite simply in my head now, he had his chance, and he's made his choice, and now I have no other option but to move on. Which I am trying hard to do. NC is VERY hard for me. Maybe I will get to that point.

[notmyfinestmoment]

I have hesitated updating what has happened with my xMM since my last post at the end of August.   Most of you that have been on LS have seen the concert and have the t-shirt (so you are already familiar with the ending) but for those who aren't, I wanted to tell you how my story ended.

 

Where I had left off at the end of August was I was conflicted about reaching out on his birthday, but it got the best of me.  If it had been longer after the b/u, I would have let it go, but I didn't want him to think he didn't matter to me, so I left a very brief closed-ended, pre-written message.  I truly did not expect that to ignite anything.  That one second message came at the cost of my heart and sanity for 3 more months.  Not looking for sympathy here....just wanting to confirm what so many others have said on this board.

 

He called back after hearing my message and we started LC for a week and he made the decision (without telling me) that he was tired of not being happy and talked to his wife.  He said he told her he wasn't in love with her anymore (if you read my earlier posts, he had done this once before in April, but couldn't find the courage to follow through).  He said he didn't want to fake it through the holidays.   When she asked if there was someone else, he said no.   I think he was hoping she would make the decision (avoiding the conflict and the guilt of it being his decision).   But that is not what happened.  She wanted to work things out.  She was distraught and upset and wanted to save the marriage.   He started flip-flopping.  Why I didn't have the self-respect to back away at that time, I don't know.    I stayed on his roller coaster of indecision for weeks.   He was still vacillating between wanting to be with me and not wanting to leave his daughter (which I understand).  He repeatedly told me that he has never felt this way about anyone in his life and that I was his best friend.   While the indecision had us pumping the brakes, we spent time together and got closer than ever before.     

 

Then, the ceiling caved in....  he had been reaching out telling me how he wished we could share these holidays together.  That while he was surrounded by neighbors, he could only think of me.  He called the next day and said that he had struggled being away from me and knew more holidays were coming.  He admitted that he had been avoiding telling me about an upcoming family trip that was planned to another country.  That it had been planned while we were on our break over the summer.   Needless to say, I was really hurt that he had known this all along.   Had I known about it, I would have walked (and he knew that which is why he didn't want to tell me).   It was the breaking point for me.   We parted ways for 5 more weeks.  When he got back from his trip, he started contacting me again.  I wasn't quite sure what he wanted.  After a couple of days of friendly fire in phone calls and IM (all initiated by him), he called to tell me he was struggling and that that talking to me always makes things better.  He said that he loved me, without me there was a huge void in his life, and that I was his best friend.  He then said something about deciding to stay in the marriage for his daughter.  I was like, wait?  When did you decide that?  He said he had talked to me about it when we parted ways.  He never said those words, in fact, I had said if you need to stay for your daughter, I understand, but just say it.  He could not say it.   But now that I think about the ambiguity he uses with his wife, it only make sense that he is that way with me.  I asked if he had made the decision that he couldn't move forward with me, why was he calling me?  Why say all of those things (love, best friend, etc.).  He basically said he was hoping we could get each other through it.   So basically he wanted me to help him get over me.   I thought how selfish...I would never break someone's heart and then ask them to make me feel better about it.   I felt really angry with him and myself.  Ultimately, I am responsible for letting him back into my life at the beginning of September (and through the whole relationship really).  At the end of the 3 hour conversation (he cried through most of it), we agreed to never talk again.   

 

It's not the ending I wanted in terms of it being angry.  I always like it to be peaceful, but it was far from that.   There were no I love you's and I hope you have a happy life...just a lot of silence, tears, and disbelief.   But maybe that was the only way it could end.  I am going to have to have the perspective that I was somewhere I didn't belong and I gave my heart to someone that wasn't qualified to take care of it in the first place (I have to own that).  Eventually, I am going to find a way to be happy for him that he realized the importance of his family and that they won't have to suffer through the pain of a D-Day or divorce.   At the end of the day, while this hurts a lot, I think if anyone was going to be broken over this, I would rather it be me than his wife or daughter (they are the innocent ones).   

 

 

Edited December 11, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
User request.

[elaine567]

27 minutes ago, dazey72 said:

 he called to tell me he was struggling and that that talking to me always makes things better.  He said that he loved me, without me there was a huge void in his life, and that I was his best friend.  He then said something about deciding to stay in the marriage for his daughter.  I was like, wait?  When did you decide that?  He said he had talked to me about it when we parted ways.  He never said those words, in fact, I had said if you need to stay for your daughter, I understand, but just say it.  He could not say it.   But now that I think about the ambiguity he uses with his wife, it only make sense that he is that way with me.  I asked if he had made the decision that he couldn't move forward with me, why was he calling me?  Why say all of those things (love, best friend, etc.).  He basically said he was hoping we could get each other through it.   So basically he wanted me to help him get over me. 

I don't think he wanted you to help him get over you, he wanted you to stick around so that he he didn't have that "huge void" in his life.
He then gets to keep his wife and his daughter and his nice life AND he  gets to keep you too, so his life is then complete...

He was devastated as his plans did not come to fruition.
He thought he could schmooze you with  "I love yous`` and he could then persuade you to stay as you too would have a huge void in your life, and you would do almost anything to keep him around...
He hoped you would learn to accept the wife, the daughter, the Xmases and the other family events, the new car, the new dog, the new house, the great vacations.... and all the other trappings of his marriage, like a good little OW who knows her place...  
He gets to carry on with his life, whilst you sacrifice yours.

[TinyCastle]

Dazey - I'm sorry you are hurting so badly. I just read and got caught up on your thread. I'm new around here. You can read my thread. I'm six months into a physical affair that built on an emotional affair/friendship of three years. My AP will never leave his wife. I'm in the process of separation for reasons that pre-dated the affair. I'm trying to maintain a FWB relationship, because I would rather that than nothing at this point. I'm not emotionally available for a real relationship. But I know I'm also kidding myself. I'm falling in love and based on my AP's patterns of hot/cold, suspect he is at risk of falling in love as well. I see the hurt waiting for me. The train wreck is coming but I can't seem to get out of the way. But enough about me....

 

I hear you saying all along that you don't want him to leave his wife, at least not for you. But in truth you do want him to leave; it is what you need to maintain a relationship with him and there is nothing wrong with needing him to be single to carry on the relationship. You need to make it very clear to him that he is not to contact you until he has made real, tangible progress toward divorce/separation. He may never take those steps. But that has to be your bottom line. If you don't make that crystal clear to him and to yourself, you will both hold the door open in your hearts and minds that there is another way to be together. For some people, maybe  they can be happy short term or long term in an affair. I'm trying to explore that myself for the short term (I know I want more and deserve more long term). But your thread makes it very clear you want and deserve more. Don't be afraid to say it to him and make it a condition of future contact. I know we don't want to be the ones to break up a marriage, especially when there are children. But our actions in the affair risk this outcome everydy and we need to own that.  We do, in fact,  want them to be our partners. Tell him it is your bottom line. If he leaves her, it will be his choice, not yours. If he doesn't, and they rarely do it seems, you will know his choice. But make him choose, for both of your sakes. 

 

Good luck and keep us posted. 

[mark clemson]

19 hours ago, Dazey said:

... I gave my heart to someone that wasn't qualified to take care of it in the first place (I have to own that)...

 

To be fair, many, many people have done this at one or another point in their lives. It sounds like you are preparing to pick up the pieces and move on with your life. No doubt the best and only thing to do. Hopefully at some point you can find another, unattached man who'll love you just as much and who you can actually have.