The Leaver or Leavee

[Haunani]

Does it make it any easier if you are one or the other? If you are the Leavee, you are the "victim" in the case, everyone feels sorry for you and want to reach out but don't know how.

 

If you are the Leaver, you are looked at differently now. Even though people don't know what happened in your relationship, they all judge, especially if it's something that's not concrete evidence - Physical abuse, an affair. An emotional abuse is just the same - it's abuse.

 

It hard for me as the leaver, I'm consumed with guilt at what I'm doing "to him", that "his" life is out of control and he can't do this. Which is why, I need to be stronger. But the fact remains that divorce or separation is not from any isolated incident, it stems from years of disconnection, discomfort and basically unhappy being together, not in sync.

 

Just wondering what everyone's thoughts are on this subject.......

[Ladyjane14]

I'm not sure why this particular aspect would make much difference in your case, Haunani.

 

When it comes down to generalized opinions, why should YOU care what other people think? They haven't lived in an unhappy marriage for 25 years.

 

You children's opinions are the only ones you need to address. And that doesn't necessarily mean that you waver in your decision. It just means that you recognize their feelings, keep them informed, and talk with them in a way that is open and supportive.

 

Has your eldest had a change in his feelings? Or is he still reacting negatively?

 

 

.....the fact remains that divorce or separation is not from any isolated incident, it stems from years of disconnection, discomfort and basically unhappy being together, not in sync.

 

You've been posting on this subject for well over a year here at LS. That's not inclusive of all the journaling you've done in the years past. You've spent a long time weighing the consequences of this decision. You haven't acted in haste.

 

There isn't an OM coloring your perceptions or swaying your judgement.

 

At a personal level, I'm very pro-marriage (particularly when there are little ones involved) But, I've also lived unhappily in my own marriage for great spates of time. So I know how painful it is, and how you feel like your life is just wasted on this person who WILL NOT make a connection in true partnership with you.

 

I believe that almost anyone is capable of great change in regards to their relationship, even a husband who has behaved poorly for YEARS at a time.

 

That said, I don't think your decision is at all precipitous. I think you've taken great pains, as well as plenty of time, in weighing all the factors.

 

So, the question is turned back upon you....why do you CARE what other people think?

 

You've already answered the ONE question which truly matters when one is considering divorce, which is: "Would I be willing to spend the rest of my life ALONE, rather than to spend it with this particular person?"

[Haunani]

Wow LJ - this reply brought tears to my eyes. Leaving and making that decision was very difficult, funny how you remembered my being in limbo even though I hadn't posted in ages.....I guess I was feeling some guilt as we went to a party surrounded by our friends and the guillt had slowly come into play. It's not like its the first time I went alone either, just the questions I guess.....

 

My eldest is actually being very supportive, and he still is in contact daily with his Dad, something I'll never take away. My other 2 kids seem to be fine, there is peace and harmony even though I know they are sad of the fact, but I know they understand. That was was biggest obstacle in the decision to leave all this time., how it would affect the kids emotionally, so far, I think they are doing well.

 

In answer to your last question.....Yes, I would rather live alone, than live for the rest of my life walking on eggshells. Thank you for the wake up call.

 

~H

[Ladyjane14]

If it helps you at all....I think your story is inspirational for those who are in the same predicament.

 

It's a really difficult decision to make. And it affects ALOT of people in your life. So, when I say "inspirational", what I mean is....that you did NOT make this decision lightly.

 

Unfortunately, there are too many who do make a precipitous decision. You're just NOT one of them.