BettyDraper Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 op, when talking to your young daughter, I would be simple. Something along the lines of "sometimes, moms and dads can make bad choices and hurt each other. they don't mean to and are sorry, but it does happen. Mommy did hurt daddy. She hurt him a lot and feels really bad about that. They are working hard to help him feel better, and she loves him so much. Families are made in all sorts of ways, and your sibling ( brother or sister?)came to our family in a different way than you did. She is still every bit your sister. You dad and I love each other very much, and we love all of you too. That's the most important thing to remember, that, and that none of this is your fault and it's not for you to worry about. That is the grown up's job. If you ever have any questions or you are feeling angry, scared or sad, come and talk to us right away. You can ask us anything." About your mother in law? I would suggest that you ask your husband to see if she would be willing to take some family counseling. You're going to be in this for the long haul, so it makes sense to work towards forgiveness on her part. I seriously doubt that Rainbow's MIL would be interested in family counseling. In fact, I could see her becoming very angry with Rainbow's husband for even suggesting such a thing. She already thinks that her son is weak and foolish for staying with Rainbow and she also feels that she has every right to show her anger. I'm not saying that Rainbow's MIL is right. I'm only deducing the MIL's response to the suggestion of therapy based on her actions. Rainbow, as much as I feel sympathy for you, I also understand your MIL's rage. I can't imagine how I would feel if I saw a loved one tolerating serial cheating and raising a baby who was the result of an affair. I would be concerned for my family member's self esteem and mental state. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jspice Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 From the perspective of someone in your child’s position : I found out about a parent’s infidelity at around 8/9. I’d always heard arguing but it hadn’t been confirmed till then. My blood ran cold when it came up and I was so disappointed about this but it was what it was. I have a younger sibling who found out after the parent’s death. We were in our mid thirties. Three years later she hasn’t recovered from his fall from Grace in her eyes. We don’t know which your child is. Like suggested above, see a child psychologist. I wish parents considered their children more BEFORE things get out of control. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted June 21, 2019 Author Share Posted June 21, 2019 I seriously doubt that Rainbow's MIL would be interested in family counseling. In fact, I could see her becoming very angry with Rainbow's husband for even suggesting such a thing. She already thinks that her son is weak and foolish for staying with Rainbow and she also feels that she has every right to show her anger. I'm not saying that Rainbow's MIL is right. I'm only deducing the MIL's response to the suggestion of therapy based on her actions. Rainbow, as much as I feel sympathy for you, I also understand your MIL's rage. I can't imagine how I would feel if I saw a loved one tolerating serial cheating and raising a baby who was the result of an affair. I would be concerned for my family member's self esteem and mental state. I understand where she is coming from. I feel bad and I wish I could take it back. I hate to see who was and who probably still is a great grandmother, nice person who is having a hard time dealing with the result of a selfish daughter in law who she tried to accept. I get it. I can't change it, but I understand it. You're correct that she wouldn't go for family counselling. I think the only thing I can do is give her time, and hopefully the anger lessens. She'll never like me, never trust me and I accept that. We have decided to talk to her sometime this weekend. She is out of school and we have arranged some counselling for Monday morning and if she needs some space, my mother has already booked off ten days of vacation, and we can send her there if she needs to cool off. Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 A one night stand before the wedding? Rainbow where was your head at luv. The consequences for you action with both children, are going to have a life long affect on you, your husband as well as his family ‘MIL’ included. I take it hubby has accepted your actions and is wearing the brunt of the onslaught from his family for supporting you and you children, as they are not his. As I have said children are the innocent regardless of your actions. Please think before you sleep with another. How much does your husband have to bear? Good luck with the family and the birth. Make your mind up now hubby or every one else. No more pain! Give him a break! Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted June 21, 2019 Author Share Posted June 21, 2019 A one night stand before the wedding? Rainbow �� where was your head at luv. The consequences for you action with both children, are going to have a life long affect on you, your husband as well as his family ‘MIL’ included. I take it hubby has accepted your actions and is wearing the brunt of the onslaught from his family for supporting you and you children, as they are not his. As I have said children are the innocent �� regardless of your actions. Please think before you sleep with another. How much does your husband have to bear? Good luck with the family and the birth. Make your mind up now hubby or every one else. No more pain! Give him a break! I take it you didn't read my original post. 2 out of my 3 kids are his. The Middle one is all ready 17 months old is the result of my LTA with my boss. I'm so ashamed and his family don't know the half of it. They don't know about my two affairs ( one was an emotional affair) before marriage or how long my affair was with my boss. It was 4 1/2 years over a 7 year period. If the baby was his, we'd have taken this to our grave. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 No. If you remember my original thread here, I was wanting to leave my marriage and wasn't sure if he was the father. I had the other man take a DNA test because I thought my husband c was going to be the father and had no intentions of telling him anything if he was. My husband found out in may last year. The in laws found out last year because we told them because they suspected it. My husband demanded a paternity test on our youngest. The real anger didn't happen until they found out about the one night stand the night before my wedding. Okay, thanks for clarifying the timeline. Just remember that once your oldest daughter knows the truth, you’ll have to worry about if/when she’s going to tell the affair baby. I think your MIL just made an impulsive outburst due to some strong trigger (whose exact content you haven’t told us). She had been trying to be civil to you and kind to the affair baby up to that point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted June 21, 2019 Author Share Posted June 21, 2019 (edited) Okay, thanks for clarifying the timeline. Just remember that once your oldest daughter knows the truth, you’ll have to worry about if/when she’s going to tell the affair baby. I was told it will be best to tell her when she is young in an age appropriate way so she'll always know, and won't know any different. Edited June 21, 2019 by TheRainbow Link to post Share on other sites
emotionallybroken9 Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 IM going to chime in just from a parent’s point of view: you’ve hurt her son, and she will always want to protect him. If this was the wild, no amount of reasoning would stop her from taking down the threat to her offspring. And as she seems to care, you’ve truly hurt him. Saying she was out of line or she shouldn’t have done anything, that’s when you know you haven’t been in the same position as her. To watch someone you’ve raised, been with, and loved for however long he’s been alive... there’s no way to contain it. The anger you have to wards her for the potential damage she’ll do to your kids, it’s so much more from her point of view. You keep protecting your kids, and she will keep protecting her kid. I’ve read this story and just felt so bad for the mom. You’re pissed off she’s messing up your kids lives? What do you think you’ve done/ARE doing?? Your husband has the luxury of getting remorse from you (I hope), but what did she get? Are you remorseful to HER? That’s HER child you just stabbed, and you want her to control her emotions and think rationally?? It seems that you’re all trying your best, which is great! I just hope there’s a LOT more sympathy for the poor mom that has to watch her son stay with the woman that stabbed him. Let us know how it goes, because I might have to do this with my daughter and my wife’s affair that may break/has broken our marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 IM going to chime in just from a parent’s point of view: you’ve hurt her son, and she will always want to protect him. If this was the wild, no amount of reasoning would stop her from taking down the threat to her offspring. And as she seems to care, you’ve truly hurt him. . It's sad that this mother is has to watch her son her hurt, but this being said, the choice was his and he made it. While I can understand the husband's mother being incredibly hurt and angry, she has no business bringing that down, in any way shape or form, on her granddaughter. I don't care how hurt or angry she is. If she has a problem with the op then she needs to act like an adult and speak to her privately about it. If she feels she can't right now, then it may be best for her to step back for a brief time while she works though her emotions. This about the children here, not the adults. Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 My half brother (paternal) and I found each other via a common DNA testing site a few months ago. Until he and his sister did that on a whim, they both thought they were full siblings. Turns out neither of them is biologically related to the father who raised them, and they also have different fathers. They have not told their parents that they know, and they struggle daily with the news. My brother and I are looking for our biological father but have had no luck yet. My mother passed away when I was young so I can't ask her, I was raised as an only child, and I have no other family who knows. Don't let your daughter find out like my brother did. Though I am very happy to have him and my wonderful sister in law and nieces in my life now, I am heartbroken for him that he has to deal with this. Link to post Share on other sites
emotionallybroken9 Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 @pepper You’re asking for an awful lot from the mom. First she has to learn what self control is. Then she has to somehow cut ties with her boy, and trust me that he will always be her baby boy until she dies. You see how we’re trying to tell her to get her **** together because it’s about the kids? That’s LITERALLY how she’s thinking about her boy. I’m 33, and my folks are 72 and 84. When I’m with them, I travel back in time. I don’t know what family rules exist in this world, but to ask her to not protect her son as this mother is protecting her infidelity baby is unreasonable. Who wrote the rules on adulthood? In a different culture, this situation would be handled so differently. The mother clearly grew up in a culture of love and caring for family. His business IS her business. I’ve been with a cheater and I fought hard for her. It took me MONTHS and YEARS before I saw sense. Who’s to say this man isn’t confused as well? Like I said, what this mom is doing is fine by me, because that’s her reality. If we expect her to understand and respect this couple’s version of reality, the. This couple has to understand and respect his mother’s reality just as equally. It’s sickening to think that just because he’s now an adult that he’s separated from her. This wife left her husband to **** another man and get impregnated by him. This mom is fighting tooth and nail to save her son. If this wife wants to make it up, she should face these consequences. No mother EVER wants to be in this position. This couple need to truly be remorseful for this poor mother. It’s easy to say “think this way,” but they’re not able to do it for her sake, so how can they expect her to do the same? Hey OP, did you go kiss the mom’s feet for the pain you’ve brougt? Did you apologize every day and show true remorse? Did you show her that you can love her son even more than she loves him? It’s not just about the kids. It’s about everyone. EVERYone. I don’t know. I grew up in a very communal and loving culture, so maybe that’s why my people feel strongly about love, respect, and honor. Maybe that’s the biggest issue. Either way, good luck to everyone in this mess. I hope everyone gets love in the end. She’s a person too. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 While I can understand the husband's mother being incredibly hurt and angry, she has no business bringing that down, in any way shape or form, on her granddaughter. I don't care how hurt or angry she is. If she has a problem with the op then she needs to act like an adult [period] Exactly ^^^. She has no right to insert herself into this. The son decided to keep the family together, and she should be supporting him and the family. I understand that she has feelings toward OP, and maybe the child too, but that doesn't give her the right to interfere. If I were them I'd consider moving away from her. MILs are difficult enough when they have the best of intentions. The son should inform his mother in no uncertain terms that her behavior is completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated. He chose to keep the marriage and love the child. That is the long and short of it. No one should be allowed to undermine. I think 11 is too young for the eldest daughter to be told. As someone else said, she may end up spilling it to the younger kids. The larger question is, when to tell the middle child. This decision should be made in the best interest of this child @emotionallybroken You don't have a clue. You should zip it. Link to post Share on other sites
emotionallybroken9 Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 (edited) I’m only responding one last time because I don’t want this to be hijacked, and I want to say that the irony is being lost here >.> Empathy, sympathy, pity, and compassion. These are what make us human. In order to feel empathy, you must have the shared experience. Sympathy is giving compassion and doing an action. It’s impossible to teach these things without their own experience. The concept is truly impossible to fathom until it is shared. I hope that you can sympathize and someday (or not?) empathize with the young girls and the mother of the husband. That’s pretty much it. A lot of people are hurting in their own way, and to ignore some while only helping others is just, sad. I personally would first help the mom. Of corse she may never understand, and that’s something that she will have to learn. But from theninformation from OP, I don’t believe there was enough sympathy to help her move on to the healing process. She’s in constant turmoil, and just throwing them away because they’re not getting over it is yet another betrayal she’s dealing with. Her son is now betraying her. How long did it take the husband to get over this? Has he? Does any BS? I really hope the damage is reduced as much as possible, and real efforts are made to all involved. The little girl may end up holding herself accountable for the separation of her family. “My dad and grandma aren’t a family because of me.” “My dad isn’t happy or as happy as he could be because of me.” That’s a pain that lasts forever. Good luck OP, I really mean it. Your position is difficult, but you reap what you sow. If you put in the effort, the mother WILL recognize it. Again, this is an online thread so the information and story is limited. Kinda makes you wish we can get to hear the husband’s point of you, heh. Ah well. Guess a one sided story is good enough for healing to begin... Good luck, and best regards to all. I’m just another point of view, not a love doctor. Get as many perspectives as you can in life, just in general, not even for this situation only. BUt again, I’m just some guy who’s looking at t and giving you the calm (one of the many possible) perspective of the mother. Hopefully that helps you see her in a different light, as you expect the world to not view you as the woman that tore the son/mother relationship, or whatever other titles you’re beating yourself with in your mind you’re a person too OP <3 To the above poster, I’ll post when necessary Edited June 21, 2019 by emotionallybroken9 Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 Like I said, what this mom is doing is fine by me, because that’s her reality. If we expect her to understand and respect this couple’s version of reality, the. This couple has to understand and respect his mother’s reality just as equally. I will be very blunt. I've been the BS, and I saw what it did to my mom and dad. I couldn't care less about the adults in this situation. Sure, the OP may have acted badly, but does that mean her mother in law gets to bring that down on the kids because she;s hurt and angry too? If she can't put her grand kids first over her own feelings, then stepping back for a little while may give her a bit of time to come to terms that this decision is out of her hands and that by taking her anger out at inappropriate time is bad for the kids. If she wants to hash it out with the OP, there is a time and place for that, and when the kids are around or it could hurt them that isn't the time. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 I Good luck, and best regards to all. I’m just another point of view, not a love doctor. Get as many perspectives as you can in life, just in general, not even for this situation only. This is good advice. I can only give my own point of view, and it may be crap. @emotionallybroken9 - I can understand where you're coming from- it's sort of a more holistic approach than I am I guess. I'm not saying you're wrong, just that I'm most worried about the children here. How long should the OP allow her mother in law to lash out because she is hurt and angry? I cold be wrong, but I think part of her angst is that she feels betrayed by the OP as well. Not in the same way as her son, but in her own way. Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 I was told it will be best to tell her when she is young in an age appropriate way so she'll always know, and won't know any different. I understand. But how can you be sure that she doesn’t hear from her sister (or other relatives, for that matter) first, perhaps not even in an age appropriate manner? Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted June 21, 2019 Author Share Posted June 21, 2019 I understand. But how can you be sure that she doesn’t hear from her sister (or other relatives, for that matter) first, perhaps not even in an age appropriate manner? That is a bridge I'll have to cross when it comes. But the younger she is, the easier it'll be to explain in a way she'll understand. That at least is what my therapist said when the topic got brought up for when that day comes. Link to post Share on other sites
emotionallybroken9 Posted June 22, 2019 Share Posted June 22, 2019 I truly hope you never have to cross yet another betrayal bridge. If she finds out this HUUUUUUUUGE SECRET from someone else, I can promise as the child of parents that kept stuff from them, she will lose her trust in you, and probably all other humans too, all because the same information came from a stranger instead of the source. Your husband will probably never trust you again, or another person. Do you want your daughter to potentially go through that too? And at a young age? And what if she hears it but never mentions it? What if she keeps the secret too, and just internally hates on her family? If she doesn’t yell outside, where do you think the yelling will go? Inside. Tread carefully. These consequences can shatter persons and personalities forever Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted June 22, 2019 Share Posted June 22, 2019 ^^^ You have a lot of catching up to do. Her husband trusts her 200%, and in fact begged her to stay. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted June 22, 2019 Author Share Posted June 22, 2019 For anyone who doesn't know the back story, here is my original thread. https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/656506-i-keep-cheating-but-my-husband-doesn-t-want-divorce I still can't believe the **** I put him through? How detached, in denial and selfish I was. But here it is. Link to post Share on other sites
emotionallybroken9 Posted June 22, 2019 Share Posted June 22, 2019 DId you hear that from him? Also, he begged her to stay, HE begged HER to stay, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he “trusts” her 200%. Is that trust? Or desperation to not lose the thing he begged to stay? I’m not him so I can’t speak for him, but even in my posts in my own thread I “trusted” her because I didn’t want to lose her, yet here we are months later. But we’re not talking about the adults. We’re talking about the kids that don’t have life experience of true betrayals. We’re talking about kids that will internalize this stuff forever, potentially. We DONT know what will be the new consequences. Waiting for the damage to occur THEN to deal with it means they’re still not taking actions for the cheating. If she can guarantee the kid will be okay, great. If she can guarantee the kid will come calmly and say “hey mom, I heard my sister is not my real sister, please explain it to me so I can process it,” great. But how often does that happen? This isn’t betrayal from a friend or a husband (outsiders), this would be betrayal from the person that gave her life. Her blood. That’s a betrayal she’ll never get over. But hey, counsellors will help when/if t happens right? How are the BS adults handling life now? I can tell u my trust is shaken forever, and I’m experienced and an adult. I don’t like lies and secrets, especially when this one is NOT CONTAINED AT ALL >.< Waaaaay too many people know, and that’s the biggest problem of all Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 22, 2019 Share Posted June 22, 2019 Exactly ^^^. She has no right to insert herself into this. The son decided to keep the family together, and she should be supporting him and the family. I understand that she has feelings toward OP, and maybe the child too, but that doesn't give her the right to interfere. If I were them I'd consider moving away from her. MILs are difficult enough when they have the best of intentions. The son should inform his mother in no uncertain terms that her behavior is completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated. He chose to keep the marriage and love the child. That is the long and short of it. No one should be allowed to undermine. I think 11 is too young for the eldest daughter to be told. As someone else said, she may end up spilling it to the younger kids. The larger question is, when to tell the middle child. This decision should be made in the best interest of this child @emotionallybroken You don't have a clue. You should zip it. Why should he "zip it"? Is he not entitled to his opinion even if you don't agree with it? This is an open forum. FWIW, I agree with you to some extent. I don't believe that parents have the right to interfere in their adult children's relationships. Family members can share their concerns but that is all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted June 22, 2019 Share Posted June 22, 2019 Her husband shared his side on another forum, which a few here have followed. In his mind, OP was the victim. No, I didn’t make that up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 22, 2019 Share Posted June 22, 2019 Her husband shared his side on another forum, which a few here have followed. In his mind, OP was the victim. No, I didn’t make that up. Whaaaaaaaat?! Which forum is this? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
emotionallybroken9 Posted June 22, 2019 Share Posted June 22, 2019 So the current plan is to: 1) wait and hope the kid doesn’t find out on her own, then tell her when she’s older 2) she finds out from grandma or another person that’s unknown, then deal with the damage and hope to heal it Both of these mean the secrets will continue. Let’s hope 1 works out, AND let’s hope the kiddo doesn’t ask, “but mom, this happened so long ago, why didn’t you tell me?” Which we also hope doesnt lead to her thinking, “if my parents hid that from me for so long, what else could they be hiding from me, and for how long, and how bad, and are they gonna share more dark secrets as I grow up, instead of trusting me now?” Is there a plan 3? Or is it down to the ones I outlined. I’m not arguing, I’m just getting them to think in a new way. There’s now info that exists on another forum that only few people know of, so yay more omissions >.> Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts