schlumpy Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 Rainbow: Do you have any plans to win over the MIL or at least move her into a neutral corner? Depending on her core beliefs this may be impossible and I'm sure that right now your own feelings may be against it. I don't think you can rely on time to do the job for you because she is a significant impediment to what you indicate you want to accomplish. If you show her through actions you mean what you say, she should be more accepting even if only for the children's sake but that's a time strategy and you need results now. Is there some skill she has that you can learn about? I'm thinking along the line of cooking, or crochet but it could be a more intellectual pursuit such as art, music or history. Anything that she has a mastery of that she can teach you about. She may come to view you differently in the setting of teacher and pupil. Does she like to shop or visit the malls or outlet stores? Volunteer to take her. Don't fight with her just listen to what she has to say. Maybe she won't say anything but she may have a different perspective in a different environment that she feels comfortable in. I think you get the idea. Best Wishes to you and your family Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted June 27, 2019 Author Share Posted June 27, 2019 Is the AP is wanting to be part of the little ones life? That would be hard to fathom. He had his chance to fight, and he chose to sign away all rights once and for all. If my daughter wants to see him before the age of eighteen we can possibly arrange something or after the age of eighteen when it's out of control then we can go from there. My husband knows that it is a possibility, but will wait for it for when the day comes, if it comes. Do you have any plans to win over the MIL or at least move her into a neutral corner? I'm hoping now that the paternity is no longer a secret, it'll help. My husband is feeling a bit guarded and a bit pissed off at his mother in a way because he felt like we were forced before we were ready to tell our daughter because of her. But knowing how my mother in law is, that time is the only thing to loosen her up. There are things we had in common before all this hit the fan, but she has never really cared for me from the beginning so if we hit cordial that be a blessing. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 Unfortunately I believe you will never be cordial...She had an idea of who you are the whole time and you've done nothing to disprove her feelings. I suspect the she will attempt to protect him from you until the end, even if he does nothing to protect himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted June 27, 2019 Author Share Posted June 27, 2019 DKT3 I believe you are right too. All I can do is show that I'm no longer that kind of person. Because I don't want my daughter's to always look at me as being that girl. Because I don't always want to be viewed as a stripper, the stupid girl, or the whore, or any of those other derogatory names. And my husband deserves a faithful wife. Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 Now the older child knows, the secret is out. She may be telling all her little friends as we speak, all about how the middle sister is not really her sister... The middle sister may indeed want to see her real father at some point, as she is the odd one out... The adults here can assume nothing, as they have an agenda and it suits them better to think in certain ways to protect themselves. They need to think from the child's point of view. Kids tend to absorb and try to please, it doesn't mean they are necessarily coping well... Of course she's really her sister! Not only are they still half sisters by blood, but they are being raised as siblings. Would you call an adopted child 'not the parents real child'?? I understand your point but that was a very unkind thing to say and I hope you did not mean it the way it sounded. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 I said that SHE may be telling all her little friends that her middle sister is not really her sister. i.e. from HER point of view having been fed the info only days earlier. We do not know how she has processed this, she was IMO hurried out the door before she had time to really speak to her parents about it... She may have kept schtum or she may have decided to offload to her pals... Had I been told at 11 that my sibling was my halfsibling, I am not really sure how I would have felt about that, to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 What is your plan going forward? How are you going to help your daughter not make the same mistakes you made? Does she know the length of your infidelity? I knew several female strippers, two left the men in their lives and became a lesbian couple. The last time I heard from them was through their lawyer who had contacted me about putting my house up for a bond to get them out of custody(they got involved in a drug deal and were awaiting trial). I said no and haven't heard from them again. The other stripper I knew was only 37 and had already been married 4 times(I worked with her husband who she has since left). Does your daughter now think stripping is a possible career choice. What have you taught your daughter, you are her most important influence after all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted June 27, 2019 Author Share Posted June 27, 2019 I'm not into in drugs and never been arrested and only married once. All I can do b is work toward showing them a good example and show them what honesty and loyalty will get them in life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 What is your plan going forward? How are you going to help your daughter not make the same mistakes you made? Does she know the length of your infidelity? I knew several female strippers, two left the men in their lives and became a lesbian couple. The last time I heard from them was through their lawyer who had contacted me about putting my house up for a bond to get them out of custody(they got involved in a drug deal and were awaiting trial). I said no and haven't heard from them again. The other stripper I knew was only 37 and had already been married 4 times(I worked with her husband who she has since left). Does your daughter now think stripping is a possible career choice. What have you taught your daughter, you are her most important influence after all. I don't see why Rainbow needs to tell her daughter that she was a stripper. That detail is irrelevant. The length of her infidelity does not need to be shared either....at least not right now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 DKT3 I believe you are right too. All I can do is show that I'm no longer that kind of person. Because I don't want my daughter's to always look at me as being that girl. Because I don't always want to be viewed as a stripper, the stupid girl, or the whore, or any of those other derogatory names. And my husband deserves a faithful wife. FWIW, I admire all of the positive changes you have made, Rainbow. I don't know you, but I'm proud of you. I know it's not easy, but you really are doing your best, which shows a lot of great character. Keep up the good work. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 27, 2019 Share Posted June 27, 2019 FWIW, I admire all of the positive changes you have made, Rainbow. I don't know you, but I'm proud of you. I know it's not easy, but you really are doing your best, which shows a lot of great character. Keep up the good work. I could not agree more. It’s not an easy road, but you are walking it with grace and dignity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted June 27, 2019 Author Share Posted June 27, 2019 My mom called and my daughter is doing pretty well. She said that my daughters best friend from her is school came over and had so much fun.when she gets back we'll sit her down and find out how she feels. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 28, 2019 Share Posted June 28, 2019 My mom called and my daughter is doing pretty well. She said that my daughters best friend from her is school came over and had so much fun.when she gets back we'll sit her down and find out how she feels. You're handling this very well. Rainbow, I think you have been asked this question before but I don't remember what your response was. Do you think that you are truly finished with being unfaithful? I'm only asking because serial cheaters often have difficulty changing their behavior. I am also concerned because it was your husband who pushed for reconciliation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author TheRainbow Posted June 28, 2019 Author Share Posted June 28, 2019 Do you think that you are truly finished with being unfaithful? I'm only asking because serial cheaters often have difficulty changing their behavior. I am also concerned because it was your husband who pushed for reconciliation. He always wanted reconciliation, but it was ultimately me that chose to move back in with him. He had started to step back and accept it, but I felt how alone, and how much I actually missed and regretted how I treated him and our marriage. As for finished being unfaithful, in my head and heart yes I'm finished. I'm trying and working really hard to deal with my insecurity and issues that led me to stray in the first place. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted July 1, 2019 Share Posted July 1, 2019 I don't see why Rainbow needs to tell her daughter that she was a stripper. That detail is irrelevant. The length of her infidelity does not need to be shared either....at least not right now. Yes, that part can wait until she's older and, even then, only if she asks for some reason. The main thing is being a person that she will always respect. Then it won't matter anyway and could even make her respect you more. But you can't expect a child to handle that complexity of moral thought. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted July 1, 2019 Share Posted July 1, 2019 What is your plan going forward? How are you going to help your daughter not make the same mistakes you made? Does she know the length of your infidelity? I knew several female strippers, two left the men in their lives and became a lesbian couple. The last time I heard from them was through their lawyer who had contacted me about putting my house up for a bond to get them out of custody(they got involved in a drug deal and were awaiting trial). I said no and haven't heard from them again. The other stripper I knew was only 37 and had already been married 4 times(I worked with her husband who she has since left). Does your daughter now think stripping is a possible career choice. What have you taught your daughter, you are her most important influence after all. I hope that opening up the truth to everyone in the family will keep you from hiding anything from any of them again. You can't fool people twice. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted July 1, 2019 Share Posted July 1, 2019 (edited) Yes, that part can wait until she's older and, even then, only if she asks for some reason. The main thing is being a person that she will always respect. Then it won't matter anyway and could even make her respect you more. But you can't expect a child to handle that complexity of moral thought. Hi again Merrmeade, I have read the prior post, now I think I have a better understanding. I still believe in you and Hubby R. Your prior employment is irrelevant, as it is the past. Please keep it that way, nothing wrong with that line of work, but please focus on hubby and remove that trigger place. Regardless of your finances. Can I ask what are your goals regarding maintaining the R, how you continue to support this with and for your BS? As well as the little ones, how are they going with the MIL? When identifying this planning process goals a way ahead can help your focus for the day. Remember you and BS first butterflies for the children, those who don’t support you an your family miss out on your three gifts �� (children). IC for the both of you no more rug sweeping please it doesn’t address the underlying issues. Good luck in with anger out with love! Edited July 1, 2019 by Buffer Fine tune the thought process Link to post Share on other sites
SpiceCat Posted July 8, 2019 Share Posted July 8, 2019 This story really caught my attention and I'm wondering how your daughter is doing. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Buffer Posted July 11, 2019 Share Posted July 11, 2019 Rainbow ? how is it all going? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts