How to break a pattern of moving in and then breaking up?

[ohso]

I was just talking with my friends and I see this very often in others and in myself.

You meet a guy or a girl and you fall in love and you move in together after some time and it's all great. After few years you get in the routine and even if you try hard to spice it up (I'm not only talking about sex, but about going on dates and doing activities together) it get boring and not fun anymore. You both became frustrated and distance each other. You don't feel the connection anymore, you don't understand each other anymore, you annoy each other.

 

Then one day after years of living miserably together you two have a talk that is the best as a mutual decision to take a break and move out and live on your own. Maybe you'll miss each other and appreciate it more. Then you either somehow stay together living apart or you break up. Or you move in again after few years just to be at the same point once more, you want to move out again, because the same issues reappear.

 

Or you meet someone new and repeat the same pattern with the new person. Luckily you don't get married otherwise it would be even more complicated to end it.

 

I know me and my friends really want a LTR and marriage, but can't seem to get pass this. Living apart together as a solution is not something we want and it doesn't makes us happy. I know relationships are work, but what about this pattern? Why does it happen? We really chose good people to date and we avoid drama, so there isn't any reason to break up besides this. Any advice how to have a healthy relationship without this happening?

[d0nnivain]

What do you mean you get in a routine & you get bored?

 

Honestly I have never had that happen. I lived with a guy for 10 years & we split over our different views on marriage & our future. I have been married for almost 11 years, no boredom. Yes, there are stretches that are dull . . .get up, go to work, come home make dinner, do some chores, pay bills, TV, go to bed, repeat but we have nice discussions, we go on date night at least once per week, we take weekend trips & longer vacations, we interact with friends. Sometimes all it takes to add a new element is to try a new food recipe; the sense of accomplishment helps add a bit of zest.

 

Life has routine aspects. To stay together, you need to celebrate the fact that you have somebody by your side for the boring stuff & stop thinking that life is a non-stop whirlwind or that your SO is required to make your life exciting.

[schlumpy]

I know me and my friends really want a LTR and marriage, but can't seem to get pass this. Living apart together as a solution is not something we want and it doesn't makes us happy. I know relationships are work, but what about this pattern? Why does it happen? We really chose good people to date and we avoid drama, so there isn't any reason to break up besides this. Any advice how to have a healthy relationship without this happening?

 

You are in a cycle of negative reinforcement where you are accepting the failure of your on and off relationship as something normal because after all that’s what’s happening with your friends. You guys are feeding each what you want to hear. I think you should step out of the bubble you live in and take a wider look at the world. There are many people with very successful long-term relationships that you can study with no more effort than making a new friendship. Find better role models.

[Mr. Lucky]

After few years you get in the routine and even if you try hard to spice it up (I'm not only talking about sex, but about going on dates and doing activities together) it get boring and not fun anymore. You both became frustrated and distance each other. You don't feel the connection anymore, you don't understand each other anymore, you annoy each other.

 

Well, here's the Catch-22 - you present this as though it's an inevitable occurrence. Which it is, unless you value the relationship enough to ensure it doesn't happen.

 

I have friends that buy cars and then neglect the maintenance and upkeep on them. And then they want to tell you the XYZ sedan is a piece of crap, just doesn't last.

 

My Dad drove a '65 Impala for 20 years, looking showroom new and running like a top. He not only kept it up, but enjoyed doing so.

 

All relationships lose that "new car" smell and a point arrives where it's about commitment, consideration and personal responsibility. I'd venture the real cause of demise in the situation you describe is the author's laziness, neglect and lack of effort. YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Happy Lemming]

To ohso:

 

Are you male or female??

 

What do you think marriage will bring to your life?? Why do you want to get married??

[Beendaredonedat]

Been married to the same man for 42 years and all I can say is that you guys in this "pattern" don't know what love is and you are coming across as too immature to outlast anything past the new relationship energy stage.

 

Lust and infatuation will ALWAYS wane and it's up to the two people in the relationship to keep the calm love going. Calm love is the product that is left when lust and infatuation has worn thin.

 

I suspect that a whole lot of millenials are going to end up dying alone because of this inability to keep their relationships going after the new relationship energy wears down.

 

Sad!

 

Maybe you all ought to stop living together and only get married when you are past that honeymoon period. How long is the average dating period before y'all move in together?

Edited June 21, 2019 by Beendaredonedat

[somanymistakes]

Why do you want a LTR/marriage though? Just because you think you should? Or is there something specific you're looking for?

 

You don't HAVE to get married. If you enjoy being a serial dater, you can do that. Just be honest with people.

 

@beendaredondedat - you realise 'millenials' are already almost 40 years old, right?

[Beendaredonedat]

Born between 1983 and 2000. I'm talking about the younger ones. The older ones don't generally have the mentality that this Op and friends seem to have.

 

Nielsen Media Research has defined millennials as between 21 and 37 years old in 2018.

The United States Chamber of Commerce, a business-oriented lobbying group, uses 1980–1999.

In 2014, U.S PIRG described millennials as those born between 1983 and 2000.

[BaileyB]

What you describe as a negative, I would describe as a positive.

 

The beauty of a long term relationship is that you settle into a familiar comfort with your partner, a place where you can be together and you know each other well... that’s not a “boring routine” to me, that’s love.

 

But even at that, you still have to put effort into the relationship. It’s still important to spend time together, to have new experiences together, and to grow together. And then, it’s nice to come home to that comfortable love.