tell me I’m doing the right thing and I will get over it.

[Secretgal34]

I am a married woman with two children my husband and We have had many problems over the years we’ve split up four times and there were two counts of infidelity on his part neither one was intercourse one was a happy ending at a massage parlor and the other was an emotional affair that almost ended in a three-way with him and two other people. I’m not going to sit here and say that I’m perfect I’ve made my share of mistakes in my marriage. I have been difficult at times making things hard for him but I have never had sex with anyone else the only time I ever so much is hung out with someone was when we were separated. I’m not making myself out to be this great person I’m just saying to give you a little bit of background. Two months after we had gotten back together after our fourth separation someone had messaged me on social media that I’ve gone to school with wishing me a happy birthday and saying I looked amazing. I thought he was just being nice so I messaged him back and asked him how his family was doing we had a conversation and he sort of hinted that he was not happy in his marriage. We spoke briefly in on the conversation roughly a week later I got another message from him on social media where we had just spoken briefly. The conversation ended and about two weeks later he posted a picture of himself and to other people we graduated with one of them I knew. I sent him a message and told him to tell them I said hello. After that we started talking he told me he had been out with them and had a few drinks we were making jokes about how when we were young we used to be able to go out more and do more but now we have kids and we don’t really do that anymore and I told him the last time I had had a drink was about two months ago with friends. It turned into a joke about texting people and that he wanted me to text him he gave me his number. I took it down and he asked for mine. We began to text every single day none of it was flirtatious but we really got to know each other and we spoke about our marriages he told me he was unhappy that he hadn’t loved her in years and that he didn’t want to wake up one day 50 years old and regret not having done it. I expressed to him my unhappiness and things that I’ve gone on in my marriage as well. That conversation was pretty brief it was mostly joking around, talking about things like for children our families just stuff when you get to know someone. there was just a bond and a lot of chemistry it was only through text two weeks and he disappeared just without a trace didn’t say anything just vanished. I couldn’t stop thinking about him two weeks later on his birthday I decided to text him I figured I would do it and I was going to close the door put closure on it and tell him we could be friends. After I had text him the floodgates came out he just kept saying how much he’s missed me how much he’s been thinking about me I have busy he was with his family the past few weeks but he was always thinking about me we continue to talk for another three weeks the talking turned into sex texting I didn’t really know what was going to happen but then he told me he wanted to see me. I agreed. The time came and the day we were supposed to he canceled because of work then he wanted to try for the day after then something else came up for him and he couldn’t. After that I figured I don’t think he really wants to do this so I told him I hope everything’s OK and I left him alone. One week later he reached out to me telling me how sorry he was that he canceled plans and we spoke again for another week and a half we talked about trying to see each other again I don’t remember what day it was but he disappeared for another two weeks. We didn’t speak and then he reached out to me saying he was sorry but he didn’t have any time alone we talked for three or four days and then he had asked me to see him for two hours during the day to go for a walk in the park or something like that I made arrangements to see him to be able to make it but then like before last minute he canceled his child was sick and he needed to stay home with him. I didn’t get mad or anything just said I hope he feels better. After that it’s been almost 3 weeks and we have not spoken I’m very upset I know this is hard to believe considering we never really have seen each other but I felt very strongly about this person I felt like I had fallen for him and it doesn’t make sense it’s been almost 3 weeks since we’ve spoken and I will not reach out to him for many many reasons but I’m sad and I cry and I’m just thinking what do I need to do to get over this? I read what you guys have written in all of your stories and it’s giving me strength not to reach out to him because I don’t think he really wants out I just don’t understand why he had to do this to me for months when he could’ve been honest with me and we could’ve ended it along time ago And I wouldn’t be on this forum asking for support and advice. I feel stupid because I should’ve never entertained it to begin with I need you all to tell me that this is for the best and that one day I’m not gonna think about him anymore I just need you guys to share with me that it would’ve been worse have gone through with it.

Edited June 20, 2019 by Secretgal34

[Starswillshine]

Understand what you were feeling was just the excitement of beginnings of a relationship that most people feel. It's alluring and exciting, especially if you have been married more.

 

Be thankful you dodged a bullet. Basically you are just missing that interaction but there are no true feelings there. Just a feel good high.

 

Stay far away. And for the record, when any guy, married or otherwise, sends you a private note and tells you you look great, assume they are looking to hook up.

 

It is pretty gross the amount of married men who send notes.

[mark clemson]

I need you all to tell me that this is for the best and that one day I’m not gonna think about him anymore I just need you guys to share with me that it would’ve been worse have gone through with it.

 

 

Yes, it's for the best that don't contact him anymore.

 

Yes, one day you won't think about him any more.

 

Yes, it DEFINITELY would have been worse if you'd gone through with it.

 

 

I know this is hard to believe considering we never really have seen each other but I felt very strongly about this person I felt like I had fallen for him and it doesn’t make sense it’s been almost 3 weeks since we’ve spoken and I will not reach out to him for many many reasons but I’m sad and I cry and I’m just thinking what do I need to do to get over this?

 

It sounds like this may have triggered limerence for you. Might or might not be full blown. Processing it is difficult - it's a bit like an addiction. Suggest you research it on wikipedia.

 

Do various things to keep your mind off of him - consider including distractions such as novels or good TV shows, socializing with platonic friends (boosts dopamine), time in nature (boosts serotonin), and exercise (boosts endogenous opiates) among other things.

 

He will probably contact you again at some random time that is convenient for him. Suggest you be prepared and try to stay strong. IMO, this would just make your life more complicated than it already is.

[Aloha123]

Without reading your thread in detail, you are doing the right thing and will get over it.

 

My god do I wish I had found this forum during the early days of going down the rabbit whole. Don't know that I would necessarily have been receptive to the message but at least I would have gone into it knowing what to expect, and not feeling like I was losing my mind or that something was "wrong" with me once the cycle of lows and highs kicked in.

[Aloha123]

Something else came to mind in glancing over your post. My affair started out as an online thing where he actively pursued and groomed me much like yours, difference being that I did not know him.

There seems to be a subcategory of mm who very much get off on and prefer affairs that are primarily "online" . The in person meetings are few and far in between, they always come up with excuses, etc.

So just know that that is likely what you'd be signing up for. If you are looking for anything more than that, it will become incredibly frustrating to you. And it's very hard when you inevitably become emotionally attached and even obsessed with somebody who you barely even see . Which you are already experiencing.

[Secretgal34]

I appreciate everyone’s comments I’m trying to find strength to stay away. He really threw me for a loop. Texting me telling me how much he wants me, saying things like “I wish you were with me” or “I wish I was coming to see you” we used to talk about what it would be like to actually go out on real dates. When I would talk about my goals in life he’d say things like “I’m proud of you” I don’t know the whole thing confused me. Why say stuff like that if you don’t mean it? I’d never play with someone’s head. As far as limerence or infatuation I’ve looked into it. I hope to god it was just that. The way I felt about him was weird to me any imperfections didn’t matter I didn’t care about how he looked how much money he made or the fact that he has children. The big issue for me is the wife, that’s what keeps me from reaching out. It’s that voice that tells me stop. I wish I had stopped it a long time ago. I hope in a few weeks time I will come to terms with all of this

[devilish innocent]

As a sometimes lurker on this board, I would suggest you read through the threads on this board. Affairs lead to misery, and they don't end easily. There are people who have lost decades of their life due to an affair. There are people who keep coming back to post year after year about how much they hate being in an affair and how they want to let go. So from where I stand, you are not one of the pity cases. I know this emotional affair has caused you pain and you are hurting right now. But in a year from now, this will have been one more blip in your life. Not a source of on-going pain as it would be if you stay in contact and meet up with him.

 

You aren't asking about your relationship with your

husband so I won't speculate about what the best course of action is for you in that regard. Clearly there are issues there that are still ongoing. I hope for the sake of your family that the correct solution, whatever it may be, comes sooner rather than later.

[SpiceCat]

You are ABSOLUTELY doing the right thing..and good for you!!! Stay strong

[NotADayGoesBy]

You did the right thing; now finish the job and block him from your phone and social media. He will try to suck you back in at some point and it will be hard to resist, so you would be doing the future you a huge favor by making sure he can’t contact you. It will take longer than you think to get over these feelings but hang in there and stay away from him. You really did dodge a bullet.

[Secretgal34]

Last night I was on social media and saw that his wife updated her profile picture to the 4 of them I guess from Father’s Day. They looked happy, so it’s either he’s just a big liar or she has no idea what’s going on in his head. Technically he was the one that ended it by breaking plans for the third time and not even making an attempt at contact it’s just me that’s not taking that extra step and trying again. I don’t see him trying or reaching out. For me now it’s not understanding why he couldn’t just say goodbye or tell me “I can’t do this anymore I want to work things out with my wife” he just leaves it so open ended. I’m not going to get any kind of closure.

[Starswillshine]

Everyone has issues in their marriage. Everyone. Even the happiest of marriages, both spouses can complain about something. When a man is trying to get with a woman, he surely wont discuss all the great things about his wife/marriage, he is going to complain about all the complaints. So he may not be fully lying, he is just omitting everything else.

 

A married man should know that sending notes to a woman out of the blue is inappropriate. Given what he said to you, he was on the prowl. This is not a case of you guys working side by side and over time getting closer and closer due to forced interactions, but this was a sought out thing. And when a guy is acting inappropriately, women should start to ask... no wonder his wife seems unhappy, miserable, etc she has a prick for a husband. The issue we women fall into is feeling sorry for the poor chap... when really, he is likely the reason for his own darn misery. If he even has it.

[heartwhole2]

No, you're not going to get any closure, not from a "friend" who is fine with ghosting you for weeks at a time. If he were good at difficult conversations, then he would talking to his wife about why he's unhappy, and he would be telling you the truth about why he keeps skipping out you. It sounds like his marriage is fine and he's having cold feet about having an affair.

 

Are you seeing a counselor? With all the stress from your four separations, I think it would be helpful for you, and you can also get some feedback on this situation.

[SpiceCat]

Last night I was on social media and saw that his wife updated her profile picture to the 4 of them I guess from Father’s Day. They looked happy, so it’s either he’s just a big liar or she has no idea what’s going on in his head. Technically he was the one that ended it by breaking plans for the third time and not even making an attempt at contact it’s just me that’s not taking that extra step and trying again. I don’t see him trying or reaching out. For me now it’s not understanding why he couldn’t just say goodbye or tell me “I can’t do this anymore I want to work things out with my wife” he just leaves it so open ended. I’m not going to get any kind of closure.

 

Closure is not something someone else can give you..it's something you have to give yourself.

[Secretgal34]

I actually just called a bunch of therapists right now. No one picks up the phone so I have to wait for call backs. I guess I have to own up to my marriage being a mess. I’ve only been married 5 years and I’m the time there have been four separations countless fights and infidelity. I feel very disconnected from him and have for a long time. First step is therapy for me then next is marriage counseling. One day at a time. I wish I could blame this MM but I took my part in it. I expressed to him that I was scared of going forward because we were both married and I also asked him if seeing me was something he really wanted to do. He kept saying how much he wanted it and how he wasn’t going anywhere. I may have to learn a harsh lesson that people lie and don’t ever mean what they say. I take accountability for my actions as well I couldn’t see past my feelings for him and wanting to be happy. It’s obvious I need some help in dealing with what’s going on in my life and I’m going to get it.

[mark clemson]

Sounds like a plan SG34. A question - if there was infidelity on your H's part, why is therapy just for you? Sounds like he could use some too? Not to mention the fights and separations. Consider not waiting too long doing your own therapy before starting up the MC (but I guess see what the therapist says).

[heartwhole2]

Sounds like a plan SG34. A question - if there was infidelity on your H's part, why is therapy just for you? Sounds like he could use some too? Not to mention the fights and separations. Consider not waiting too long doing your own therapy before starting up the MC (but I guess see what the therapist says).

 

From my experience it's better for couples to do individual counseling first after infidelity. Some therapists will approach the affair/s as a marriage problem rather than a wayward spouse problem. The wayward spouse(s) need to understand why they chose such an inappropriate way to deal with their issues before they can start dealing with issues together.

[Secretgal34]

I need therapy for myself I guess to figure out what I want. I know it sounds ridiculous but 3 weeks later and I still think about MM all the time. I need to figure how to make peace with it and move on then I need to figure out what keeps going wrong with my spouse because right now I feel no sexual attraction to him at all. I need to figure out where that is coming from. My husband has cheated twice but neither ended in actual intercourse it was a hand job and an EA with a man exchanging pictures and masturbating to them he planed a three way with this man and another woman I was disgusted. He was confused about his sexuality for a while. We fight about our kids, we fight about money and we just don’t understand each other. I felt as though MM really understood me and he even told me at one point “I get you” that is why this devastates me so much. But I guess the reality is he wants to be with his wife so I have to let it go and I need to figure a way to rebuild what my husband and I have been lacking and try to rekindle something. I feel like I’m going through the motions right now just trying to get through everyday. I hate this feeling.

[heartwhole2]

We're emotional and sexual creatures; we are always capable of falling in love if we allow ourselves to. I try to have very good boundaries in my relationships with men because I'm just a human. Those hormones start flowing and you are attached and addicted before you know it.

 

It may be that a divorce is better for you and your husband, but you should certainly figure that out before you start a relationship with someone new, and you only consider available men as potential partners. Nothing good comes from illicit affairs. Sure, the forbidden nature heightens the excitement, but you'll pay for it later, one way or another.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

"I just don’t understand why he had to do this to me for months when he could’ve been honest with me"

 

It's because he was enjoying the escape fantasy while it lasted without having to deal with any consequences or disruption to his life. Count yourself lucky that he never met you in person. It's harder to break free after physical contact.

 

You are doing the right thing. Things could have been much, much worse. Keep moving forward and it will only get better from here. Block him from future contact so you won't get sucked back in.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Oh, and welcome to LoveShack! You found a good supportive community here.

[MustbeloveNot]

Well seeing that he’s cheated twice and I bet he had sex plenbut didn’t tell you which a happy ending is sex FYI... I think with all of your problems you should just get divorced.

The kids know and feel unhappy homes and I’m sure they’d rather a healthy happy Divorced parents than the alternative.

And then you can start dating and he can do whatever he’s been doing.

[mark clemson]

OP, this is all just my opinion, but it sounds like you want therapy to get validation of the fact that you're not happy (understandably given what you describe) and/or drum up the courage to leave a bad marriage.

 

Nothing wrong with any of that - just saying what I'm seeing in your post above. It's too bad and FWIW you have my (and I suspect others') sympathy for your situation as it sounds like a difficult one...

[Secretgal34]

He wants to work things out I feel an obligation as we have children and a house. He cries sometimes talking about his guilt I have nothing to loose to at least give a shot. I hate what happened with this MM I wish he never contacted me and I wish I had the courage to be the one to put a stop to it. I kind of saw this coming. Love just seems so complicated there has to be a better and healthier way. I read all these posts about these people having affairs and it’s mind boggling to me. I long for simplicity someone to love that doesn’t involve so much drama and my husband and the MM just came with it. I definitely need to let go of MM and as far as husband time will tell I guess.

[mark clemson]

Fair enough + hope it goes as well as can be hoped for.