How to accept it's not meant to happen?

[LightWave93]

Not a rant thread. Genuinely want advice on "giving up".

 

Some of you know me, some don't. The short of it is; can't get a woman interested in me, for dating or a hook-up. I've seen therapists, dating coaches, posted pictures online etc. More recently I made yet another attempt at online dating, had people comment saying my pictures and bio "great" and that I was "handsome", and here I am sitting with no matches. My career has kicked off and I still go out 'n about, but there's not a lick of interest in the real world either.

 

I feel the need to give up entirely. Forever. Not being depressive, just accepting the facts; I am not a man that women want to be with.

 

How do I accept this?

[Foxhall]

Ton up-I am pleased to get 100 likes-thanks to all who have given me a like!

 

lol just realising OP your other thread I was half reading it and assumed you were a girl!!

 

anyway not to worry- guys or girls happy to help out!

 

there is no magic solution on this-only to not throw in the towel- keep going out meeting people, just chatting to girls normally wherever you can, trying the online scene,

 

you will eventually click with someone- it can happen completely unexpected too,

 

my favourite ever girl- I met her randomly on a train and just said hello.

 

joining in clubs and groups- you might get chatting to a few ladies casually and build up rapport with them,

the old tried and tested way of bars and clubs going out with mates and chatting to girls in a group- this is probably still the best way- and if you have a few buddies who are good at this.

 

not advocating this forum as a dating mechanism but there are clearly plenty of ladies online here who would be a good fit for you,

 

my post on your other thread, I was actually assuming you were a girl and throwing out a little fielder to you!,

 

so not telling you to start bombarding ladies on here but if you come across a post you like- well no harm in saying hello.

 

anyway small steps start making connections - in real life/online and eventually it will happen for you- maybe sooner than you think.

[Happy Lemming]

Do you have any sports or hobbies where you could meet someone of like interests??

 

I have a very low opinion of on-line dating and prefer to meet people in "real life".

 

I met my present long term girlfriend while swimming in an apartment complex pool. Swam up to her chit-chatted a bit, asked her out for drinks later that evening and we started dating from there.

 

You never know when or where you'll meet someone that you click with.

[chillii]

What sort of age are you op , how long's this been going on have you had a relationship before or ?

What's your town or area like would that have anything to do with it?

 

Anyway , without knowing anything the only thing l can say is try to stop wanting it, try to relax on the whole thing, loosin up and just live.

Often wanting something so bad somehow just pushes it away, yaknow.

Then ya get fed up with it and think to effg hell with this and boom, things start happening.

[LightWave93]

As I said, thread is about accepting the inevitable, not to work out strategies to meet someone. We've had those discussions before and I've tried everything suggested.

 

I want ideas on how to accept it. Do I get therapy and ask to focus on that? Get head down and focus on work?

[The Outlaw]

As I said, thread is about accepting the inevitable, not to work out strategies to meet someone. We've had those discussions before and I've tried everything suggested.

 

I want ideas on how to accept it. Do I get therapy and ask to focus on that? Get head down and focus on work?

 

I just get out there and focus on my work, come back home, kick back and relax and don't worry about really anything at all. And again, I should take my own advice, but you shouldn't give up because of a few bad experiences or unreciprocated interest. It's tricky and frustrating, but not impossible. Just a word of advice, but your decision entirely. You can be happy either way you choose to go, but you've got to make that choice to do it.

[chillii]

As I said, thread is about accepting the inevitable, not to work out strategies to meet someone. We've had those discussions before and I've tried everything suggested.

 

I want ideas on how to accept it. Do I get therapy and ask to focus on that? Get head down and focus on work?

 

 

As l said, try to relax loosen up and just live for awhile, hell forever if you want, you just haven't tried it long enough to find peace.

Or as outlaw said focus on other things , go make money, why not, start a business, travel the world , develop property, who knows, whatever floats your boat.

Edited June 21, 2019 by chillii

[healing light]

Yeah, I think this might be one of those paradoxes when you want something so badly you don't get it because the vibe unconsciously seeps off of you.

 

Best thing to do is just let it go in your mind completely.

 

There was another forum that someone had stated they did a "timer exercise" in order to help them from obsessive thoughts about a person or a topic in their life. They would set aside 15 minutes to think about only the topic at a specific time each day, and when the timer went off, they would put it aside. So any time during the day that they caught themselves thinking about the topic, they would mentally stop themselves and say they would ponder it during their allotted time. Anyway, a couple people swore it helped them because they still knew they would allow themselves to think about it and often they got tired thinking about it for 15 minutes straight during the time they selected. Eventually they set the timer to be less time and by that point they weren't having as many intrusive thoughts about the subject.

 

That may feel too clinical for you but that's the best I have other than just saying, "let it go" or "relax" or "do things you enjoy."

 

My other suggestion is going on YouTube and finding Brad Yates and doing EFT. I use it for all sorts of emotional stress and it really helps me. You'll feel silly at first but it's been used to help veterans with PTSD and I've had good results with it. It helps me detach from active sources of stress or beliefs that aren't serving me.

 

I do feel, however, when you're able to actually forget about this stuff is when you'll likely meet a partner.

[5x5]

Its really simple. If you want to accept something, choose to accept it then act accordingly.

[Gretchen12]

As with most things in life and death, reality forces you to accept it. There is no "how to accept". It is reality. If you start having delusions then you are losing your mind.

 

But really what is the difference between giving up and not giving up? Are you talking about a state of mind or about not renewing your online dating subscription?

 

If it's the state of mind variety, that's rant-ish because there's no concrete decision being made, no change in behaviour externally. It's just your mood which can change anytime anyway.

[gaius]

First off I would launch a massive self examination to figure out why you don't put out the kind of sexual energy women find attractive. It's something every male with a primal desire for sex with women can do, so what exactly is it with you that's causing the energy not to be there?

 

Are you really gay, are you uncomfortable with sexuality, do you have abuse in your past? It could be any of a million things. Once you figure out the reason you can decide from there the best way to give up.

[HiCrunchy]

First off I would launch a massive self examination to figure out why you don't put out the kind of sexual energy women find attractive. It's something every male with a primal desire for sex with women can do, so what exactly is it with you that's causing the energy not to be there?

 

Are you really gay, are you uncomfortable with sexuality, do you have abuse in your past? It could be any of a million things. Once you figure out the reason you can decide from there the best way to give up.

 

So true the sexual vibe and energy is soo so soo important. People usually frame this as having comfi dance and flirting and it isnt something can fake.

 

If a man and a woman attracted to each other, u should be able to feel that, and others around u can feel it too. I'm pretty shy and awkward but still gave off that vibe when interacting.

[HiCrunchy]

Also OP,.I thought u wanted hookups not relationships/gf?

[LightWave93]

First off I would launch a massive self examination to figure out why you don't put out the kind of sexual energy women find attractive. It's something every male with a primal desire for sex with women can do, so what exactly is it with you that's causing the energy not to be there?

 

Are you really gay, are you uncomfortable with sexuality, do you have abuse in your past? It could be any of a million things. Once you figure out the reason you can decide from there the best way to give up.

 

No I'm not gay or uncomfortable with my sexuality. I'm not the most masculine of men but, hell, I don't even know how I would achieve that anyway. I'm more empathetic than most, but at the same time I also know how to hold my own etc.

 

I have a high sex drive.

 

Also OP,.I thought u wanted hookups not relationships/gf?

 

It was a case of having opportunities. I was sick of going out all the time and being the only lad in the club not to have a girl with him. I'll never know what it's like to have a girl want me so badly, and I'm 26 now. I've missed out.

 

 

I just need to accept that it's not an aspect of life I can achieve. I ended up texting an escort not too long ago but I felt the only way I would experience anything remotely similar was to pay. Unfortunately I have a strong sense of morals and self-value, so I didn't in the end.

[guy45]

OP, I’ve had probably the worst luck with online dating. It too made me feel like giving up on dating. But don’t give up on dating. You need to start meeting women in the real world through hobbies and other social activities. Considering all the years I wasted using online dating I could have meet someone by now in the real world to have a meaningful relationship with.

 

Even if I never meet anyone, I would still never stop trying. Although the truth is, the people who are trying to find relationships and are looking rarely stay single.

 

Take a break from online dating it’s not a good representation of reality.

Also I’m 26 so we are the same age.

[BaileyB]

How do you accept that it’s not meant to happen... you tell yourself that nobody is entitled to anything in this life. You are not entitled to good health, or wealth, or love.

 

Which is why, when it happens to come along it is such a gift.

 

Love your life. Be the best person you can be and stay open to possibilities. Life has a funny way of taking you places you never thought you would go sometimes... best wishes.

[preraph]

I would suggest you may seem unbalanced because you are hyperfocused and hungry/desperate to have a relationship. I suggest you focus on something else, your work, a new hobby or passion so you don't seem so unbalanced and intense about it. Balance is everything. People can sense when someone is too intense. I once had a guy at a bar come up and tell me, I'd be talking to you more but honestly, I can tell by watching you that you're going to fall in love with the next guy you meet. In other words, he was telling me I looked too intense and it was scary.

 

Maintain an active life with varied interests. Also have a varied home life: Read different books, articles, not just one type. Have a pet, take up a craft or build a birdhouse. It will change your energy.

[HiCrunchy]

I think acceptance is understanding u shouldn't compare your life experience to others. U arent missing out on opportunities that didnt present themselves in your life in the first place.

 

Not all of us are gonna have people that are 10s chase us. Not all of us can hookup casually with multiple women, which is what I believe u desire. We just have to work with what life brings us. We arent entitled to anything.

 

I hope u find happiness within what u have.

If u are looking for something deeper than the physical, like love.I'm confident u can find it but maybe not in the way u expect.

[LightWave93]

Four years worth of threads; it's really simple, guys...it's not happening for me.

 

And again, I do focus on my life. I've got an amazing career going which helps improve lives, and I do numerous hobbies. Focusing on myself never improved my love life. Sex it looks like I'll have to pay for.

 

So again, just looking for strategies other than "focus on yourself" that may work to accept the (harsh) reality. Hypnotherapy? Any books to read on the subject?

[Blanco]

Individual counseling.

[Osho]

I’m at a loss to know that you went to therapy and still are having issues in some area that is affecting you dating..

 

I worked in the field of electronics for a while. This is a horrible field for dating and keeping up on social interaction. I’ve seen all likes come in that building and lose all skill in that area. Not to mention it’s a anti social job. Not much communication between co workers. Sitting at a bench all day and finding problems on electronics devices and fixing them employs the logical side of the brain. Causes most techs to become over serious and to the point. Losing the ability to just have fun and be sarcastic..

 

It took me over a year to snap out of it after leaving. I’m still kinda rusty to be honest. But what helps me the most is to actively do what I love. Like today while I was at the flea market I was chatting it up and flirting with another vendor about how she manages to fit all of her merchandise in her short bed pickup truck. Something I wouldn’t have done a year ago. Had her smiling and laughing just because with no intention of dating. I know that is what I’ve been missing in my life. Making random women smile and engaging in conversation that doesn’t need to go anywhere. Plus nothing is better than getting servers and cashiers to smile and laugh especially when they are having a crappy day.

 

Kind of like driving bumper cars. Crash as many times as you went and eventually you’ll be driving around the track like a pro. That way when you actually need that confidence it’s there.

 

Another thing I learned from that job is when we were stuck on problem. Say we fixed some traces and found the faulty components ok a board and the product should be working right but isn’t and it doesn’t make sense. Our supervisors would allow and almost encourage us to get up and go for a walk or come chat with me in my isolated work area about life. I can’t tell you how many times the answer would come to techs while in the middle of our conversations. It really does help to take your focus away from what’s wrong.

[ZA Dater]

I agree with the OP. I think dating is possible for most but impossible for some.

What do you do to accept that, well keep yourself busy is one way to distract yourself from feeling lonely, granted this can be difficult to do. People say go and work on yourself, well for me that's akin to say go build a house using no plans and hope the client will like it.

 

in short I don't think you can ever accept it but you also cant really change it either, all you can do is go about life and enjoy each day on its merits.

 

There also comes a point where as a person who hasn't dated you fall so far behind the rest that you cant ever catch up and this inexperience will always be held against you. In my opinion of course.

[LightWave93]

Individual counseling.

 

I’m at a loss to know that you went to therapy and still are having issues in some area that is affecting you dating..

 

I've seen a fair number of them. Early on it was to deal with depression / anxiety, later on it was to resolve issues with dating / relationships. Towards the end, the last four counsellors were basically at a loss as to why I was struggling. They said I came across as articulate, kind, have a sense of humour, confident etc, and that there was no reason I should struggle the way I have been.

 

I've stopped going since because it became apparent there was nothing that could be done. Rest assured, however, that I genuinely have tried.

 

People say go and work on yourself, well for me that's akin to say go build a house using no plans and hope the client will like it.

 

"Damned if you do, damned if you don't".

 

I work on myself anyway and have a fulfilling life regardless. I'm successful professional and make a difference, and I enjoy doing lots of different activities (outdoors, creative endeavours, socialising), but I'm in disagreement with anyone who says that doing all of this will result in improve dating circumstances; it's been my focus for at least three years now, and nothing has changed in the aforementioned department.

 

When you get as low as having to consider escorts, you know you've got a problem. Unfortunately, my problem isn't something that can be fixed, so I really do need to get into the mindset that I am simply not a desirable male.

 

Hence this thread. This is the only option left for me, and I need it to work.

[guy45]

Are you physically fit? I don't think I've ever seen a fit guy have trouble attracting women.

 

Are your standards too high? Maybe you can attract women just not the ones you are going for.

 

Try talking to women from other countries. US women are really difficult to talk to, not all, but most from the dating sites.

 

Regardless of your current circumstances you have to remain optimistic, which is also an attractive personality trait to a lot of people.

 

And remember many people have the same problem.

[LightWave93]

Are you physically fit? I don't think I've ever seen a fit guy have trouble attracting women.

 

Are your standards too high? Maybe you can attract women just not the ones you are going for.

 

Try talking to women from other countries. US women are really difficult to talk to, not all, but most from the dating sites.

 

Regardless of your current circumstances you have to remain optimistic, which is also an attractive personality trait to a lot of people.

 

And remember many people have the same problem.

 

I'd rather focus on giving up, if you don't mind, but so I don't see ignorant...

 

"Physically fit" << Not buff, not lean, about average with some muscle. I've taken a break from the gym but will be getting back into it. I've been described as "tall, dark and handsome". Standards aren't high.