How to accept it's not meant to happen?

[Trail Blazer]

Well, there must be a reason for it, but for some reason you are blind to it.

 

Why do you think women reject your advances? Why do they approach your friends, but not you?

The cold, hard truth of it all, in general and not specifically to this case, is that a dude who's overlooked by women is due to vibe he gives off which says, "I'm not worthy."

 

If one did a root cause analysis, it could come down to many factors. Most likely being he's down on one or a combination of variables; looks, money, status, intelligence.

 

How a guy conpensates for his perceived weaknesses is how successful he'll ultimately be. There does become a tipping point where he's just too unattractive (where even having thr social awareness to compensate just doesn't help).

 

I agree that many people do not see the opportunities present in any given situation in life. I always try to live by the principle of having an open mind to every situation I'm in and try to draw as much positive experiences I can from every day.

 

I get that to some, that might sound like fluff. However, I can say from experience that coming out of a challenging marriage where I was pretty down on life for a long time, having a positive mindset and outlook on life has turned my fortunes around dramatically.

[Blanco]

I feel like I see more women start conversations with guys who have a vibe to them than simply guys who are really good looking. OP, you seem a bit tense, maybe uptight; certainly not happy. Whether we realize it or not, all of that can sort of leak out in day-to-day life.

 

You're probably a decent enough looking guy, but that paired with the above vibe is not going to make you enticing to most women.

 

I know it's frustrating, but I really just don't buy that there's really NO reason why you're running into this problem again and again. We tend to be our harshest critics, but we can also be a bit oblivious to some shortcomings because they're so much a part of who we were are that become blind spots of sorts.

[HiCrunchy]

 

I went on one date and had sex with someone. Big whoop. She'd just go out of a long-term relationship so was probably emotionally vulnerable; never saw her again after that.

 

 

Well, to be fair, you got the hook up you wanted. Plus you have had dates and sex with someone which is more than some can say.

 

Now I know your not looking for a relationship or marriage, but I think women would be more open to dating you if that is what you were looking for.

 

I know ur physically attractive so its not the issue for sure.

Heck ur cute, I'd go on a date with you but sadly ur across the pond~

[chillii]

The cold, hard truth of it all, in general and not specifically to this case, is that a dude who's overlooked by women is due to vibe he gives off which says, "I'm not worthy."

 

If one did a root cause analysis, it could come down to many factors. Most likely being he's down on one or a combination of variables; looks, money, status, intelligence.

 

 

 

Struggling guys have it soooooo, wrong.

That up there is just the superficial fluff.

You haven't even mentioned personality, personality and connection is what does it, and connection above all, even the dullest of personalities can find connection with one specific person.

Same thing happens with women a lot lacking all that too, they say what does she have , but so often what she has is personality and a way about her that the guy just plain likes.

Look down any street or mall l get that effg sick of sayin this bs but you'll see any combo of any guy and girl you could possibly imagine, many many of either without any of that bs.

These guys understanding and idea of things is what brings them down.

Edited July 12, 2019 by chillii

[LightWave93]

Your descriptions of yourself are kinda.... bland.

 

Let’s say your causal clothes - can people tell by looking at you what you are into? Like oh yeah that guy looks like he mountain bikes and goes to rock shows, or he looks like he is into jazz and smoking cigars.

 

What sets you apart from the crowd? In what ways are you special, or what are some unexpected traits?

 

Why do you think women reject your advances? Why do they approach your friends, but not you?

 

I don't have any image that belongs to a particular stereotype. I don't have tats and long hair, or am built like a truck etc. I'm a normal looking guy, with clothes that fit and that I feel comfortable in. I'd argue the point there's nothing wrong with that seeing as how plenty of others do the same.

 

I don't know what sets me apart. I'm always the one to approach and introduce myself, and in group situations where people perhaps don't know each other...I'm usually the one to ask questions, throw a few jokes in...get everyone a bit more relaxed.

 

I honestly couldn't give you those answers. As I've said, I'm generally a likeable guy (and people have told me as such), but even the grumpiest looking man in the room is more likely to be positively received than I am.

 

I feel like I see more women start conversations with guys who have a vibe to them than simply guys who are really good looking. OP, you seem a bit tense, maybe uptight; certainly not happy. Whether we realize it or not, all of that can sort of leak out in day-to-day life.

 

You're probably a decent enough looking guy, but that paired with the above vibe is not going to make you enticing to most women.

 

I know it's frustrating, but I really just don't buy that there's really NO reason why you're running into this problem again and again. We tend to be our harshest critics, but we can also be a bit oblivious to some shortcomings because they're so much a part of who we were are that become blind spots of sorts.

 

I've never said there's no fault in me. I've just highlighted what others have told me. Easily a "lack of confidence" in this area, but how does one have that if they keep coming up short? Academically and professionally I'm very successful. Socially not so much but that's a result of finally cutting toxic people out and not yet having the opportunity to work on that (been focused on career). Romantically / sexually, I still fall short.

 

If it's my vibe, great, but how do I change it? Because I can be in a nightclub dancing away, smiling, and genuinely not giving a ****...and it changes nothing?!

[5x5]

I'm sick to death of this community being hostile towards me. Cut it out; I'm genuinely looking for advice.

 

Yet time and again, over and over people keep trying to help you. Yet as always it doesn't take long for you to get hostile to those here who are honestly trying to help you.

 

At every turn you claim you are perfect, blah blah blah. Yet here you are with what appears to be an over inflated sense of entitlement. Combined with great hostility to people here, who are affording you the decency and dignity of not blowing smoke up your backside.

 

While ever you continue to be this way, without having a good look in the mirror and addressing those enormous issues. You should expect more of the same failure.

 

I wish you luck.

 

Yet you come across to me as a person that in real life I would give up on. Since no one needs to be attacked for trying to help someone.

[LightWave93]

At every turn you claim you are perfect, blah blah blah.

 

I stopped reading here.

 

If you choose not to believe the information I've conveyed to you, which is what has been relayed to me by those in my life including professionals, then that's your decision.

 

I have never once claimed perfection, nor have I ever said that I feel this feedback I've been given is accurate. All I've ever said is that I'm not a hideous human being with nonexistent social skills. I have tried every suggestion this community has to offer.

 

Stop spouting lies, please.

 

Also, booked another therapist. Easily approaching twenty now.

Edited July 12, 2019 by LightWave93

[nospam99]

I have a different 'take' on acceptance.

 

Backstory: I'm a guy, but at the other end of the age scale (at 65) from OP. I started 'dating' (trying anyway) again a little less than two years ago following divorce from a woman who was in my life for 33 years. The first six months were so fabulously successful that I thought 'this dating stuff is EASY'. Then I had a painful breakup from a woman I thought was 'the one'. For another six months I continued to meet new women about once a month. Then things started 'winding down' and not only was I meeting new women less frequently but I was also finding myself not interested in the ones I met. Because the pool of age-appropriate women in my area really 'looking' is largely stable, most likely I had reached the point of 'scraping the bottom of the barrel' and waiting for 'new entries'. Conclusion: in the last six months I met only one woman and she was a 'lowering my standards mistake'.

 

So I too have to consider the subject of this thread. But my nature is to never give up. Something my high school coach was fond of cornily saying was 'Reach for the stars. You won't get there but you'll land pretty high.' Yeah, not directly applicable. But it establishes a don't quit standard. Me and romance? If 'it' doesn't 'happen', I'm 'okay'. If that's some kind of acceptance, fine. I don't (currently) 'reach out' as much as I used to. But I'm not quitting. I'm 'keeping my eyes open' i.e. sending OLD messages, though not as frequently as I was about a year ago. And I figure I'll keep doing what I'm doing.

[Rayce]

LightWave93... your thread is making me depressed. It woke me up in the middle of the night... Can we today try a different approach and talk about the things that you think work well for you? Let's talk about the positive things in your life. tks!

[Happy Lemming]

@LightWave93

 

Can you name a celebrity you most closely resemble??

 

"normal looking" is a vague descriptor.

[Blanco]

To me, normal = unremarkable. Which, mind you, isn't necessarily a bad thing. Better to be another face in the crowd than some goon. But if that's the case, then you need something more if you expect to entice a woman you don't know.

[Blanco]

I honestly couldn't give you those answers. As I've said, I'm generally a likeable guy (and people have told me as such), but even the grumpiest looking man in the room is more likely to be positively received than I am.

 

Observations like this make me think there's a disconnect somewhere. It just doesn't add up if it's really true that you are basically guaranteed to be "last to be picked" of the guys in any room you're in. I've know guys who are basically invisible because they're so milquetoast in both appearance and personality, but you insist that isn't the case, yet it must be something beyond just the worst luck imaginable.

 

If it's my vibe, great, but how do I change it? Because I can be in a nightclub dancing away, smiling, and genuinely not giving a ****...and it changes nothing?!

 

To be honest, this is something I struggle with myself. I can be really engaging with people I feel comfortable around, but if I don't, I tend to be a bit more quiet and probably come off as a little standoff-ish, if not aloof. That, in turn, can make the issue worse, as people are less likely to engage with me.

 

I've got a buddy who's no Adonis, but a decent enough looking guy. Yet of all my friends, he is easily the most likely to have some random woman talking to him. We've all determined it's because the vibe he gives off is so relaxed and self-assured that there's no real pressure. Women don't feel like he's only talking to them for the sake of eventual sex; he's just talking to them as people. The ironic thing is, that low level of tension can often make these women interested in him.

 

Not saying this is your issue, but I do think it's a good look into how some guys do well with women where as others do not. It doesn't come down strictly to strong jawlines and an amazing body. For most women, intangibles are far more important assuming the guy is at least decent looking.

[LightWave93]

@LightWave93

 

Can you name a celebrity you most closely resemble??

 

"normal looking" is a vague descriptor.

 

I linked you my Insta in last PM I sent. The users that see me usually say I'm okay looking.

 

Not sure on celebrities. I have been compared to many but I can't remember names.

 

To me, normal = unremarkable. Which, mind you, isn't necessarily a bad thing. Better to be another face in the crowd than some goon. But if that's the case, then you need something more if you expect to entice a woman you don't know.

 

Then define "more". I'm told to live my life for me and not give a damn, but then I get told to do something to get attention. Conflicting advice.

[Happy Lemming]

I linked you my Insta in last PM I sent.

 

Yes, I needed a login to view and didn't have one. I was going to borrow my girlfriend's login but then I got an error message when I clicked the link.

 

It could be my older computer.

[LightWave93]

Yes, I needed a login to view and didn't have one. I was going to borrow my girlfriend's login but then I got an error message when I clicked the link.

 

It could be my older computer.

 

See PM's. It should work now.

[Blanco]

Then define "more". I'm told to live my life for me and not give a damn, but then I get told to do something to get attention. Conflicting advice.

 

It varies from person to person, but to me, "living life" means making a continuous effort to grow, to learn, to experience new things and work to improve myself in different ways.

 

For instance, I've been mindful of working to improve my social skills with people I don't know well while also keeping in mind how I may look to someone else (i.e. do I look approachable?). I'm still living my life, but stuff like this makes sure that life doesn't get stagnant and that I'm slowly improving myself.

[clia]

There's absolutely a disconnect. The "vibe" thing was discussed at length on OP's last thread and he got upset about it, IIRC, and the thread got locked. Personally, I think there is something to that theory because it doesn't add up. He says he's attractive, funny, likable, gets everyone around him more relaxed, and yet he's not positively received by men or women. He doesn't have many friends, and described himself as an outcast in his class and never connected with anyone in his class. It just doesn't add up. These things are all related, at least IMO. I don't know what's going on, but either OP is deluding himself about how he really comes across (e.g., hearing what he wants to hear and throwing away the rest), or we aren't getting the whole story about what's really going on or what he's expecting out of people.

[LightWave93]

It varies from person to person, but to me, "living life" means making a continuous effort to grow, to learn, to experience new things and work to improve myself in different ways.

 

And with all the things I've mentioned, do you not think I am already doing this?

 

There's absolutely a disconnect. The "vibe" thing was discussed at length on OP's last thread and he got upset about it, IIRC, and the thread got locked. Personally, I think there is something to that theory because it doesn't add up. He says he's attractive, funny, likable, gets everyone around him more relaxed, and yet he's not positively received by men or women. He doesn't have many friends, and described himself as an outcast in his class and never connected with anyone in his class. It just doesn't add up. These things are all related, at least IMO.

 

I've also mentioned how the people I -used- to hang out with were incredibly toxic and, in some cases, abusive. I have a much smaller social circle now of good, quality friends...but I just don't see them due to work, relationships etc. So, normal adulthood. I feel lonely, yes, because I don't really connect with any new people, but that could also be added up to circumstance, they're not open to friendships etc etc.

 

I don't know what's going on, but either OP is deluding himself about how he really comes across (e.g., hearing what he wants to hear and throwing away the rest), or we aren't getting the whole story about what's really going on or what he's expecting out of people.

 

Maybe, just maybe, I'm actually telling you the truth, and that this constant assertive that I'm being dishonest is only serving to paint a negative picture of me and, thus, influence responses.

 

I am not "deluding" myself because the opinions of myself I post here are what OTHER PEOPLE have said, not me. I have repeated this over a dozen times. Happy_Lemming just saw my pictures and told me I'm good-looking...how many more LoveShack members do I have to reveal my identity to before I'm actually believed on this aspect?

 

I have given you the full story.

 

Take it or leave it, but please, please, please, please, PLEASE stop making false assumptions.

[Blanco]

In that case, acceptance is probably your best course of action since there is not anything you haven't done that will alter your relationships with women.

[mr_ybor]

Not a rant thread. Genuinely want advice on "giving up".

 

Some of you know me, some don't. The short of it is; can't get a woman interested in me, for dating or a hook-up. I've seen therapists, dating coaches, posted pictures online etc. More recently I made yet another attempt at online dating, had people comment saying my pictures and bio "great" and that I was "handsome", and here I am sitting with no matches. My career has kicked off and I still go out 'n about, but there's not a lick of interest in the real world either.

 

I feel the need to give up entirely. Forever. Not being depressive, just accepting the facts; I am not a man that women want to be with.

 

How do I accept this?

 

Man, that sounds like a bummer, O.P. Dafuq is it so hard to meet someone halfway decent? There are trailer parks full of guys with G.F.s. I've got to be cooler than that, right? LOL! Nah, I'm sure there are cool cats in trailer parks.

 

I've kinda felt the same way as you at points (so much for meeting people when you're not looking, haha! Biggest lie ever!), but ultimately, I hate being alone and not having a future as a partner, father, and so on. It's just not how I was built.

 

I mean, I do the things that I enjoy, get out of the apartment, but I just don't meet people I'm interested in... it's ROUGH. I fly solo a lot as I'm new in town and don't have many friends, so the only advice I can give you is get out... a lot... to the kinda places that fit your vibe. It's a drudgery sometimes when you're half-introvert like myself, but pounding the pavement seems like the only way to meet anyone anymore.

 

I was chatting with a girl the other night at a hip hop show, that I'm pretty sure was into (unfortunately, she wasn't my type), but even if you're a freak like me, someone is eventually going to show interest. I kinda have gone back to the mentality of when I used actually get dates at least a few times a year (and mostly just found girlfriends) back when I lived in Phoenix... I was basically out every Friday and Saturday night.

 

Last few years, I've been bogged down with career, focused on that... at the office, doing things with co-workers, work-related junk and it was the worst. You don't meet anyone that way... at least I couldn't.

 

Dating apps mystify me. Everyone will tell you that's how everyone dates now, but they don't work for crap. You swipe and swipe-and-swipe-and-swipe, no matches. Try different pics. Repeat. Different bio. Repeat. Get advice. Try to apply it. Repeat. I seriously don't get it.

[Tristian]

Noticing a familiar trend here so I'll say that this thread has run it's course and shut it down.

 

 

Thank you all for your participation.