31 year old male virgin and a loser

[Lonelyloser1987]

So I am a very lonely guy who is very lonely because of the lack of self confidence, body image issues, weight issues, a whole list of medical problems like thyphoid/ptsd from a car accident(drunk pedestrian hit me) I also require to wear a respirator in the night when I go to sleep and have trouble staying up late.

 

I don't do drugs or have ever or even drink or smoke but I am a virgin and have never asked a lady out or even kissed because I have a fear.

 

I don't think I'll ever fix myself fully because of the mental and physical trauma suffered but I am getting help to try to fix myself up.

 

I am 31 turning 32 later this year, I don't think I'll find love with the way things are going. I haven't looked because I don't like the way I look. I have tried to better myself but something has always done to set me back 10-20 steps.

 

The only thing that's keeping me going is the love for music which is my true love

Edited June 21, 2019 by Lonelyloser1987

[d0nnivain]

Have you ever gotten therapy for the PTSD & self confidence issues? Start there.

 

Now work with your doctor about crafting a sensible diet & exercise plan to address the weight issues. If you have physical problems from the car accident, find a local pool & do water based exercise which is easy on your joints. The local YMCA by me has a special therapeutic pool with exercise classes for people in your situation.

 

When you lose the weight you will gain some confidence. The sense of accomplishment will help. Plus it may reduce your dependence on the night respirator. That obviously is something for you & your doctor to decide.

 

 

You can do this. You need to make a commitment to try. It won't be a linear process. .Two steps forward one step back but you have to make the effort. Doing so is the only think that will change your situation.

 

As you are traveling this journey maybe you will find a nice lady on the same path

 

Best wishes!

[JEG88]

Agreed with donnivain.

 

You have to take the first step toward loving yourself by improving the obstacles that are holding you back from having confidence.

Taking some kind of physical therapy class is a great way to start, and you can meet people with some of your same circumstances. It always helps to have some sort of support system when you're trying to address issues.

Once you are able, I would highly suggest going to the gym consistently. Another great way to meet people, and less pressure since the interaction is focused on an activity rather than straight-up relationship building.

 

I was in much the same boat as far as body image issues. I was about 40-50 pounds overweight, and started reading up on exercise plans and weightlifting. Got into it at home at first, but decided to take the step to join a gym. Have met several great people there, and it did wonders on my image and confidence.

 

The hardest part is the initiative, but each time gets "easier" to keep doing it. Just have to tell yourself not to stop, or you will fall into the pit again. Look forward, never back.

[Lonelyloser1987]

Agreed with donnivain.

 

You have to take the first step toward loving yourself by improving the obstacles that are holding you back from having confidence.

Taking some kind of physical therapy class is a great way to start, and you can meet people with some of your same circumstances. It always helps to have some sort of support system when you're trying to address issues.

Once you are able, I would highly suggest going to the gym consistently. Another great way to meet people, and less pressure since the interaction is focused on an activity rather than straight-up relationship building.

 

I was in much the same boat as far as body image issues. I was about 40-50 pounds overweight, and started reading up on exercise plans and weightlifting. Got into it at home at first, but decided to take the step to join a gym. Have met several great people there, and it did wonders on my image and confidence.

 

The hardest part is the initiative, but each time gets "easier" to keep doing it. Just have to tell yourself not to stop, or you will fall into the pit again. Look forward, never back.

 

The body image issues is caused by the car accident. Trust me, when I tell you that don't hit a drunk pedestrian no matter what. The Insurance company are being stubborn pieces of crap and won't pay me until I am clinically dead for 12 months.

 

The world is becoming a sick perverse and money grabbing place and you are now the product so you are going to get mined to hell and every single last cent will be sucked out of you until there is nothing left and that will be given to the corporate gods.

[Logo]

1.

 

 

 

Stop calling yourself a loser. You're not a loser. I bet you know more and can do more than many others who seem to have their life together. So don't be so hard on yourself. Never, ever, put yourself down. Never call yourself names. I'm not kidding. Every morning, look in the mirror and tell yourself that you're smart. Tell yourself that you can do this. Tell yourself that you are the master of your fate. Empower yourself.

 

 

 

2.

 

 

Break it down to parts and work on it one step at a time. No human is like the big hulk. Everyone starts somewhere, one step at a time.

 

 

 

3.

 

 

 

Consult with a doctor and a therapist. If you don't like them, find others you do like.

 

 

 

4.

 

 

Workout and see a nutritionist. Come up with a plan together.

 

 

 

5.

 

 

 

Think of something that you've always wanted to achieve or learn and keep doing what you're doing with music. Music is beautiful and amazing.

 

 

 

6.

 

 

For the next few months, keep this in mind: We always want what we don't have. We envy others who have it. But sometimes it can be a blessing. Look at it this way, there are couples who have been together for 5 or 10 or 20 years, but they are miserable. I'm not knocking relationships or having a girlfriend, or kissing a woman or having sex. They are all incredible to experience and feel. I'm saying they are not the be all and end all.

 

 

 

But I will say that everyone deserves romantic love at some point in their life. Everyone deserves to experience love and sex and all that other stuff. It's an amazing feeling, unfortunately heartbreak is part of the package. But I digress.

 

 

 

Coming on here and trying to improve your situation is a huge step in the right direction.

 

 

Stay strong!

[d0nnivain]

The body image issues is caused by the car accident. Trust me, when I tell you that don't hit a drunk pedestrian no matter what. The Insurance company are being stubborn pieces of crap and won't pay me until I am clinically dead for 12 months.

 

A car vs pedestrian accident never works out well for the pedestrian. I get that.

 

Do you have a lawyer, fighting for you with the insurance company? If not, get one. If you do, have some faith that the lawyer will get this resolved eventually. Some times the law moves like molasses in January. Do go see a mental health professional who specializes in helping people deal with their new reality of post accident limitations & physical changes. Your lawyer can help you find such a doctor / therapist.

 

No matter what it's all about taking that 1st scary step.

[Foxhall]

Make the most of your love of music,

 

could you write songs or play an instrument, put your pain and emotions into music

 

music is usually a really good way of bonding with girls so try to get into group settings involving music,

 

meet up groups, song writer meet ups, playing a guitar at local gigs etc,

 

you mention medical difficulties, are you taking any physical rehabilitation classes where you could meet with and get to know some girls,

 

get out there push yourself and take a chance.

[rightondude]

remember this brother, you only lose or fail if you give up. Doesn't sound like you're ready to do that, sounds like you're fed up and want things to change. let that motivate you. Don't let the circumstances that have you where you're at be your defeat. They should not have that power over you. You control what you're able to control and focus on getting yourself better. the women will come after you get yourself where you need to be.

[mortensorchid]

Eat better and work out. This will do wonders for your physical and your mental health. Once you have dropped some of the weight (if that's what you're looking to do) and gotten yourself into better shape physically and mentally, then you can put yourself in a better position within the world and within yourself. If it never happens, be happy with yourself and work on yourself as much as possible. Because in the end all you have is you, and you must make yourself a priority. Being an adult means a lot of things, and some of things you must do as an adult is to eat like an adult and exercise like an adult.

 

As for other things? Once you're in a better physical / mental place, then you can think on those things.

[Lonelyloser1987]

A car vs pedestrian accident never works out well for the pedestrian. I get that.

 

Do you have a lawyer, fighting for you with the insurance company? If not, get one. If you do, have some faith that the lawyer will get this resolved eventually. Some times the law moves like molasses in January. Do go see a mental health professional who specializes in helping people deal with their new reality of post accident limitations & physical changes. Your lawyer can help you find such a doctor / therapist.

 

No matter what it's all about taking that 1st scary step.

 

 

I do but I don't think they are going to help because I am not high in the hierarchy. I can try and cling myself to hope but I don't think anything is going to happen. Now, I have random strangers reading my medical notes.

Edited August 4, 2019 by Lonelyloser1987

[Inflikted]

I can relate to the conundrum of being a 30 year old guy that's never been able to start dating, with no real prospects in the future. Granted, your circumstances are different than mine, and my issues lie in the fact that I can't seem to get out of my own way and self sabotaging myself. I'm of the opinion that I've doomed myself to a life of solitude, and I don't really have any faith anymore that I'll ever know what it's like to have a "special someone" in my life.

 

Unfortunately, I don't really have any good advice to give. But there's a lot of good sensible people here that do. I only wish I were better at processing their advice and applying it to my own life. I suppose the biggest thing to take away from me is, don't be like me. I guess if I can be anything around here, I can be there poster boy for what NOT to do.

 

Theoretically, "most people" do find someone. Just not everyone. At the very least, even with your own issues, I'd estimate that you're far more likely to eventually find someone than I ever will be, so perhaps you can take solace in that.

 

Either way, I'm rooting for you. As much as it's pained me to try to learn to accept my own fate, I've been trying to learn to move on, and be happy for the people that do get to experience love and romance and intimacy. So, I hope you push through your issues and find someone. In all honesty, you probably deserve it more than I ever will, haha. Good luck!

[guy45]

OP just keep trying. Finding the right person and being the best version of yourself is hard, but you should always work towards such goals.

 

If I've learned anything from dating it's that meeting a person you are compatible with is rare but it does happen, maybe like once a year assuming you are looking.

 

Make a list of all the good qualities you have, I'm sure there's a lot.

[LuckyM]

You are too young to call yourself a loser.

The next 5-9 years are crucial. By 40 so many girls will be married with kids and or divorced already and another social landscape opens, not to your advantage. You will have even less in common then. So the sooner you shake your pessimism the better.

 

 

You could create your own self fulfilling prophecy. You imagine yourself a loser or no good and this becomes your expectation and end result.

This doesn't mean that happy optimistic guys will be successful, necessarily.

 

 

As a last resort, move to another city or neighborhood. One with more singles.

[d0nnivain]

I do but I don't think they are going to help because I am not high in the hierarchy. I can try and cling myself to hope but I don't think anything is going to happen. Now, I have random strangers reading my medical notes.

 

That is part of a lawsuit. You put your medical condition in issue so other people get to read about your injuries.

 

Even if you don't think you are high on the hierarchy of your lawyer's priorities, assuming you retained the lawyer on contingency, remember the more money the lawyer makes you, the more money the lawyer gets. The lawyer will absolutely have the lawyer's own financial interest at heart & they align with yours so have a bit of hope.