Lizzy123 Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 My husband, who is not really a texter, had been spending alot of time on his phone. I was curious, so I checked it and saw that he had conversations with some friends about me. More specifically, complaining about aspects of our sex life with various put downs about me (sex related and general). I confronted him about this, we fought, and didn't speak for a few months (we live and work in different countries). He realized the level of betrayal and began seeing a therapist. While his attitude and behavior generally improved, a few months later we were together and got into a fight about his family and how I was not invited to his grandmother's funeral. We were on the brink of divorce but then made up. I wasn't sure about his sincerity towards me, I know he suffers from insecurities and requires alot of external validation (which is why he goes to other people, so they can validate his pain and offer sympathy), so.... I checked his phone again, and saw that he had written to someone "I'm close to divorcing her, but I can't because I'm afraid I'll never meet anyone or have kids". I know people will blast me for checking his phone - I can't help it. I did it the first time and discovered he was talking about me in a disrespectful way which I couldn't tolerate. The second time, I guess I realized his feelings about me? I personally do vent to my friends, but I try to focus on the problem rather than my husband as a person, after all, we do all need an outlet and advice. My questions are: 1- How am I supposed to know when/if he is being sincere? It seems he says one thing to me, to please me, but then says the opposite to his friends. I know I can't keep policing his phone, but I find the truth there. 2- When he said he was staying with me only because he was afraid he's never meet anyone else - should I be disturbed? I am. However I think okay well we're all afraid of loneliness, so perhaps he mistakenly said something a bit raw and didn't really mean it. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 If this happened to me and I found the second message when we're supposedly trying to work things out after being on the brink of divorce, it would be the nail in the coffin. That last message kind of encapsulates how he feels about you and your marriage. Why would you want to remain with someone who admitted that he's essentially staying with you because he's afraid of being alone??? No thank you. At this point, trust is compromised. You're having to check his phone to find out how he's really feeling about your relationship. Do you really want to live out the rest of your marriage like that? If you desperately want to try and save your marriage, then seek out marriage counselling. But it requires you BOTH to be in it with both feet doing the work. Remember that. Otherwise, I would take this as my cue to end things and see if a friendship couldn't be salvaged if nothing else. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 This sounds tough. In your place one course of action I might take is to first verify he has really been seeing a therapist... other stuff I guess. But (and this is colored by my experience as a BH) I'd be inclined to confront with D papers. I mean unless he was texting like his brother, father, or uncle, but sounds like he is fishing for female sympathy. And I would rather be divorced several times in a row than deal with infidelity again. Again - my POV biased in this regard. If you relationship has been faithful and fulfilling thus far, I would recommend couples counseling or maybe a marriage retreat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 Sadly, if what he says was more than just venting some temporary frustrations (it sounds like it was more) then you're lucky (in a way) that he's insecure. Otherwise I suspect he'd be taking advantage of the LDR aspect to cheat or he'd simply leave you. It's too bad he's so unhappy. Are you unhappy? Agree you should strongly consider MC and/or a joint, committed plan to improve things if you wish to prevent this from fraying further. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 I think the root of your problem is that you live & work in different countries. Unless you are talking a few miles apart where you can cross a border to have dinner, I doubt you can fix much about your marriage from a distance. When can you close the gap & live together? At minimum living together should improve your sex life & your communication. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 (we live and work in different countries). Why is that? What kind of a marriage can that be? Is there an end to this long distance situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 I personally do vent to my friends, but I try to focus on the problem rather than my husband as a person, after all, we do all need an outlet and advice. I'm just going to offer were he to get transcripts of you "venting" to friends, he might be equally hurt. And I'd also guess his tenuous connection to the marriage, given the circumstances, wasn't a surprise to you. Lots of challenges in your relationship - distance, history, snooping, poor boundaries and competing agendas. Unless you can both be in the same place and perhaps begin MC as a path forward, hard to see a happy ending. Tough situation... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted June 22, 2019 Share Posted June 22, 2019 "I'm close to divorcing her, but I can't because I'm afraid I'll never meet anyone or have kids". You're worried about being 'blasted' for looking at his phone when he's sayin crap like the quote above???? All I would need to see is the disrespectful, dismissive sentence quote above and I'd be at my lawyer's office in the morning. Why are you still with someone who made this remark? And stop making excuses for him that he does what he does because he 'needs validation' and all that psycho-babble nonsense. Stop making excuses for his UNACCEPTABLE behavior just so you can feel better about continually disrespecting yourself by accepting it. I'm not trying to be mean or snarky but you seem to have very little self respect or dignity. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 22, 2019 Share Posted June 22, 2019 Looking back at your posting history, this is only the latest concern you have about your husbands behavior... I’m assuming since you mention the grandmothers funeral that your husband has finally told his family that you are married? People can only treat you badly if you allow it. Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted June 28, 2019 Share Posted June 28, 2019 So it's ok when you vent to your friends but not when your husband does? You violated his trust by spying on his conversations and your the one who feels hurt and violated? I understand why you are hurt but you take away from the legitimacy of your feelings for doing the same thing to him. Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted June 28, 2019 Share Posted June 28, 2019 I think the root of your problem is that you live & work in different countries. Unless you are talking a few miles apart where you can cross a border to have dinner, I doubt you can fix much about your marriage from a distance. When can you close the gap & live together? At minimum living together should improve your sex life & your communication. I agree. The distance is not helping your marriage, OP. Couples need to spend time together in order to truly grow together. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted June 30, 2019 Share Posted June 30, 2019 So it's ok when you vent to your friends but not when your husband does? You violated his trust by spying on his conversations and your the one who feels hurt and violated? I understand why you are hurt but you take away from the legitimacy of your feelings for doing the same thing to him. Check her post history. He won't admit he's married to her. They've been married over a year and his own family has no idea. He told her once before that he married her in a hurry in order to bring her with him so that he wouldn't be alone. He really is with her so he doesn't have to be single. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted July 1, 2019 Share Posted July 1, 2019 He really is with her so he doesn't have to be single. Except apparently when he wants to be. The OP’S husband seems comfortable toggling his marital status back and forth... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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