Surfer24 Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 Hi Guys and Girls, I’ve been spilt up with my ex for about 6years now but even though I’m in a new relationship (3years now) I cannot stop thinking about my ex. I think about her all the time and I’m worried I’m still in love. We have spoken, met up a fair bit after we split up but only once during my current relationship. She did help me through a patch of depression about 6 months ago although we never met. I quite often dream about her and even check her social media. My question is this just a sexual thing or do I really still love her? How do I stop thinking about her or is this a sign I need act on? Link to post Share on other sites
Kitty Tantrum Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 Kinda depends on what sorts of thoughts you're having. I broke things off with my last boyfriend coming up on three years ago. Haven't had any contact since (aside from one email I sent a while back, apologizing for how I ended things - didn't hear back), but I still think of him sometimes. He was a significant person in my life for a couple of years and even though it became gradually obvious that he wasn't actually a suitable match for me, he did bring a lot of positive change to my life/outlook. No need to try to bury those memories, in my case. However, "all the time/can't stop" sounds like it might be a bit more than passing acknowledgment/appreciation. You might be a bit hung up. That's not fair to the person you're in a relationship with now. I'd never advise you to try to get back with your ex, though. There was a reason it ended, yes? I'd suggest cutting contact with her. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 If this is a problem for you, suggest you see a psychologist. If it's not a problem, consider seeing a therapist anyhow to talk it over. If you want to try to get her back, well - there is no law against trying. Just don't set your expectations too high and respect her wishes if she doesn't want that. And then set your sights on moving on fully (if you haven't already). Sometimes making it virtually impossible to contact the other person helps, but not sure if that's right for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 We have spoken, met up a fair bit after we split up but only once during my current relationship. She did help me through a patch of depression about 6 months ago although we never met. I quite often dream about her and even check her social media. Both reaching out to her and checking her social media might be considered violations of trust by your current partner. How much does she know? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 I got back together with my ex after a long separation and in the process we caused a pretty big trainwreck, since he was in a relationship with someone else but still in love with me. And yes, his new partner knew all about me, knew that he was still hung up on me, knew that we talked occasionally, and knew when it moved to more than that. Being open about it did not make it less of a mess. If you've got unfinished business with an ex, you are probably not in a good place to commit yourself to your new/current partner. REGARDLESS of whether your ex has any interest in ever getting back together with you or not. Your heart isn't 100% in this new setup, and that is likely to cause a problem someday. If you can't stop thinking about your ex, you probably need to break up with your current girlfriend, at least temporarily, and sort yourself out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Surfer24 Posted June 25, 2019 Author Share Posted June 25, 2019 Current partner knows nothing, the thoughts are sexual most of the time but do sometimes extend to relationship. I don’t think it’s because of closure. I’m fed up of her constantly being on my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 Suggest you research limerence, e.g. on wikipedia to see if you think that's what's going on. Regardless, IMO if this is a problem for you, you probably want to talk to a therapist and/or psychologist as six years seems like a long time for this to be going on... Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 How long were you two together and how long have you been apart? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 Current partner knows nothing, the thoughts are sexual most of the time but do sometimes extend to relationship. I think these thoughts are more about what the experience represents rather than the actual person, especially after 6 years. Maybe you were then at a freer, less encumbered point in your life or she was a more enthusiastic, less inhibited partner.. So your id is pointing you towards that which you're missing, a roadmap for the future rather than a lost piece from the past. I went through a period in my 40's where I had a series of vivid, technicolor dreams about my first serious girlfriend in high school, each one bringing such a sense of yearning and longing that I'd wake up with a real sense of loss when it was over. But upon reflection, I realized not only was she young in the dreams, so was I. And like many guys hitting middle-age, the regret was for the loss of youth and that feeling anything and everything was possible. I'd guess your ex is a similar stand-in as a concept, not a person. Might be something to think about... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 After a relationship ends we tend to think more fondly of the person/relationship rather than dwelling on the things about them that made it end in the first place. I think you’re normal unless you’d rather be with your ex than your girlfriend now. Then you got some probs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted June 25, 2019 Share Posted June 25, 2019 It's hard to shake any history we have with someone, but if you're in a committed relationship, she needs to remain just that-an ex. You're not over her. And should your GF find out, it's just going to cause problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted June 29, 2019 Share Posted June 29, 2019 Is your current GF less attractive to you than the one you dated 6 yrs ago? Could it be, compare and contrast in your head. I think you may have to live with it in silence. I think about a lot of women. My ex-TK. In my head she was the best and we were really incynch at 16-19. Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted June 30, 2019 Share Posted June 30, 2019 Enjoy the dreams for if you try to get back with Ex you will discover they were exactly that - dreams. Work with what you have or move on. Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted June 30, 2019 Share Posted June 30, 2019 I can relate to you, and this is an addiction you just have to stop. There is no way around it. If you have 11 mins, watch this. Some of it may not be relevant to you, but it tells you how to stop your compulsion. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts