Need direction- feel like I can't focus

[TammyFLA]

I've been burned twice by the same flame. About 18 months ago a guy I dated reached out to me 4 years after things ended (poorly) between us. I have since met and moved in with my current boyfriend. We also moved to a new city around the same time OM reached out.

 

OM and I met up over drinks and rekindled a friendship. (At this time he also told me he was living with his girlfriend.) The first time around OM and I only dated for a few months but it was fireworks. It ended because he said we were moving too fast and he wasn't over his ex. I chose to walk away.

 

Once we established our new friendship it was innocent at first. Then about 3 months in he came to my city for a concert with another female friend. During the concert he told me I was 'the one that got away' and that he screwed up and wanted to know if I was happy. We fooled around the rest of the night and left things up in the air when he went back home.

 

We continued to flirt and kept in touch daily. A few months later I stayed with him in his city and we went to a concert together. This is when we slept together. I told him this was really hard for me because someone who I had really strong feelings for came back into my life and tells me I am the one that got away? And I am living with someone I care about but feelings are coming back for OM. We didn't end things because there wasn't a connection, it wasn't the right time. At the concert he said he liked me and we should just see what happens... but no definitive action was taken regarding the A we ended getting into.

 

Since then we have had a rocky relationship. We had plans to meet in another city and I cancelled a few weeks before because he was dragging his feet on the travel arrangements. I tried to cut him off but it only lasted a few weeks and we were friends again.

 

I've seen him a few times since then and we have fooled around as well as had several conversations about how I like him and we have a hard time expressing how we feel and that other people will get hurt if things continue the way they are.... but we never really end it.

 

Until today. I tried to tell him I couldn't see him in a few weeks when I come to visit friends in his city. I told him it was because I still have feelings for him and I can't handle it. It's too hard to see him and miss him and want to spend more time together and not be able to.

 

His responses have been one lines and not very forthcoming. I need help trying to end these feelings I have for OM... I don't know how to get over this guy. He is the one that got away from me. I cannot control my feelings for him even though I know he is not the right person.

 

Any advice would be appreciated.

Many thanks...

[Amethyst68]

The fact you don't seem to feel any guilt or even feel bad about cheating on your BF is very revealing. You should tell your BF what's been going on and give him a choice to decide what action to take in his own life. Let's face it you don't appear to have any concern for him at all, or for OM's GF for that matter.

 

You write as if your actions don't have consequences when you have already inserted yourself into another woman's relationship and may have fatally damaged your own (although nothing your post suggests you care that much).

 

I know I'm being harsh but I'm trying to pull you back to reality of the situation. This is not some star crossed lovers or twin flame nonsense. This is two people lying and going behind the backs of the ones they're supposed to care the most about.

[TammyFLA]

Thank you Amethyst68 for your feedback.

 

You are right, I haven’t felt like there are any consequences because there haven’t been any and life has continued on as normal with my BF at home.

 

Of course I feel guilty about the lies and cheating. I didn’t look for the OM, he sought me out and I was selfish and let things develop because he was the one that got away. I will say, that I never felt I wanted to leave my BF for him.

 

I think ultimately I am looking for advice on how to move on from this situation and leave the OM for good. I don’t know how to cut the cord.

[somanymistakes]

Are you and your current BF exclusive? If he believes you are, and you've slept with someone else, you need to tell him. It's unfair to mess with his sexual health and safety.

 

Focusing your attention on your real relationship might help you to figure out what you really want.

[DKT3]

Like most unfaithful, she wants both.

 

I believe you know how to get yourself out of this, you just don't really want to.

[d0nnivain]

You are infatuated with the one who got away. It was hot & steamy then. It's hot & steamy now, or at least it is when he shows up. You care far more then he ever will. To him you are a good time. To you, he's The One. He's not. He's just a good time. What you do with him is your business but you really need to cut your poor BF lose. Your BF doesn't deserve to be cheated on. He's your 2nd choice. Have enough compassion to give him his freedom rather then keep using your BF when you really want to be with another guy.

 

You cut the cord by cutting it. Write a list of all the reasons he's wrong for you. Read it when you feel weak.

[BaileyB]

You need to block the OM. No more communication. That’s the first step in moving on.

 

And then, you need to get your head on straight. What you have with your boyfriend is love. You have a relationship. What you feel for OM is infatuation. You want a relationship, he wants sex. If you are ok with a man coming/going from your life whenever he wants sex/ego boost then that’s one thing... that fact alone would put him in the “bad men I shouldn’t associate with” file. I don’t like to be used and mistreated by men. I don’t talk to those men.

 

If you slept with someone else, you need to at the very least get yourself tested. Although, I too think your boyfriend has a right to know. He has a right to know that you put his health at risk. And, he has a right to know that his partner has eyes for someone else...so he can make his decisions accordingly.

[anika99]

You are having a big romance, but it's all in your head. You are writing your own script while ignoring the facts. You say that everything was great with this guy four years ago and things only ended because he wasn't over his ex and wasn't ready for a new relationship. Okay then why didn't he come looking for you when he was ready? Why start a new relationship and move in with a new woman without so much as giving you a phone call to see if you might still be interested?

 

If he thinks you're the one that got away (a cheesy line) then what's stopping him from being with you now? He's not married? Couples break up all the time so why don't both of you break up with your (in)significant others and be together. Instead of lamenting to each other about being the one who got away why not take the necessary steps to be together?

 

And what about you? You broke up with him 4yrs ago because he wasn't over his ex. Something about dating a man who was still dealing with the ghost of a past relationship was unappealing to you but when the guy has a real live live in girlfriend you're all like "let's get in on!" Doesn't make sense. Looks like you have tossed your principles to the side.

 

You say you have burned twice by this guy. How so? You dated him for a few months years ago and decided to walk away because he wasn't over an ex. I wouldn't call that getting burned, I'd just say that you made a wise decision to protect yourself. Four years later you decide to start bedding this guy again all while knowing full well that he is cheating on his live in gf and you are cheating on your live in gf. How did you get burned? The only people getting burned are his gf and your bf, they just don't know it. They are the ones who have mistakenly given their trust and loyalty to people who are deceivers and cheaters.

 

I think you need to break up with your bf regardless of the OM. You are not in love with him and you don't respect him. Breakups are hard but he will get over it . Your bf might take it hard but if he knew what was really going on he wouldn't want to be in the relationship either so think of it as doing both of you a favor. He will be freed to go find himself a woman who really wants him and who won't deceive him, and you will be freed to chase your fantasies. Everyone wins.

[anika99]

You need to block the OM. No more communication. That’s the first step in moving on.

 

And then, you need to get your head on straight. What you have with your boyfriend is love. You have a relationship. What you feel for OM is infatuation. You want a relationship, he wants sex. If you are ok with a man coming/going from your life whenever he wants sex/ego boost then that’s one thing... that fact alone would put him in the “bad men I shouldn’t associate with” file. I don’t like to be used and mistreated by men. I don’t talk to those men.

 

If you slept with someone else, you need to at the very least get yourself tested. Although, I too think your boyfriend has a right to know. He has a right to know that you put his health at risk. And, he has a right to know that his partner has eyes for someone else...so he can make his decisions accordingly.

 

I don't think what the OP has with her boyfriend is love. She barely even mentioned him except to say that she's living with someone she "cares" about..That may just be a word but it speaks volumes. Care and love are worlds apart and if she loves her boyfriend she would have said love. I'm living with some I love, not I'm living with someone I care about. Two totally different meanings.

[stillafool]

You need to block the OM. No more communication. That’s the first step in moving on.

 

And then, you need to get your head on straight. What you have with your boyfriend is love.

 

Sorry Bailey but I disagree. This woman does not love her bf or she wouldn't be sneaking around behind his back having sex with another man. Her bf is safe and convenient and some people would rather hold on to someone they don't love in order to not be alone. Isn't it funny how OM was so "you were the one that got away" until he had sex and then started talking about all the people who would get hurt? Me thinks he got what he wanted, thought how easily it was for him to get OP to cheat on her bf for him. He decided she isn't relationship material and will keep his gf.

 

OP it's simple. If you want to get over this go home confess to your bf what you've done, move out and find a man who you want to be with. Block and delete the OM because he is just going to use you.

[Zona]

If you think there may be a future with your BF who you are living with, you are destroying it. Chances are he will find out, either soon or possibly years down the road when the guilt gets to you and you finally confess. It's likely he already suspects something is going on, and this will eat away at him for as long as you are together, forcing you to continue to lie to and deceive someone you claim to care about.

 

If you don't think you have a future with him, set him free so he can find a woman who he can have a stable future with. Sorry to be so blunt, but at this point in your life you are not LTR/wife material because, as can be seen by your actions, you are selfish and immature.

Edited June 22, 2019 by Zona

[heartwhole2]

In life we have to turn down things we'd really like to do or have because we know they're not good for us. It's part of being an adult. We need self-awareness, maturity, and resolve.

 

I highly recommend seeing a therapist to help you with these issues. Growing into the person you want to be is a life-long process, and it's always good to get outside perspective on how you are doing.

 

I've been married more than a decade, but there's still an old boyfriend of mine whom I know would cross the line with me if I wanted it. So I avoid having any contact with him. I'm a sexual and emotional person, so I avoid putting myself in a position where things will snowball. I do that for several reasons:

 

a) to avoid blowing up the good things in my life

b) to respect my husband, who deserves honesty and my full heart

c) to respect my potential AP, who doesn't need his life blown up either

 

At this point, you've already crossed all the lines. You cannot pretend that you can be friends with this person. You will need to cut him out of your life completely.